I want to be myself again.
How?
Waiting. Asking. Feeling.
What do I do?
I'm floating.
Floating through the days.
Like floating on water.
I lose track of time.
Forgetting how I used to be.
Only knowing who I am now.
The mirror sees imperfections on my face.
Looking at the face in the mirror,
I look through my soul.
My deep, dark mind.
Haunting me.
Shield the girl I once was.
Changes her.
Layers are around her like a blanket.
My true self is locked up in a casket.
In memory of......
Me.
Who am I?
Who was she?
Do I dig her up.
Nurture her.
Fix the cracks.
No glue can fix that much damage she says.
But I have to at least try, right?
She says it's too late.
Irredeemable.
She disappears.
Gone. Missing. Vanished.
Never to be found.
Never to be seen again.
Searching for this girl.
A maze of mirrors.
The girl keeps running ahead.
Like illusions.
Magic.
A phantom.
I can't keep up.
The dead end.
The maze stops.
The girl is nowhere.
I'm sure she was here.
Certain.
I notice her.
Right at the dead end.
Looking directly at me.
So I run.
She's running too.
Right towards me.
Like trains destined to crash.
Closer and closer.
Until....
CRASH.
Head first.
I look at her.
Familiarity.
She looks like me but isn't me.
I see everything.
This girl is damaged.
This girl...
This girl is me.
I want to be myself again.
How?
BLAZE
I jumped in the lift, going up to the top floor, going towards my hiding place. I stepped off the lift and went towards the stairs where there was a latch to the roof.
No way would Nicola Casen find me here.
The breeze seemed to consume my body and calm me down. I liked it up here. On the roof. It was calming. I found how to get up here my first week of college. I could see everything from the shops and businesses around college and the car park. I could also see the people that come in and out.
I always come up here when I have a hangover on a college day as the air clears my head. Or if I want to avoid everyone, which nowadays is all the time.
I waited until Cori texted me to say the coast was clear. Which was a while. Nicola is quite persistent in her ways. Once he texted me, I got down from the rooftop and made my way to the sofa areas around college.
I was walking around a corner when a girl, with Pepsi in her hand came crashing into me, spilling the fizzy, sticky drink all over me.
"Seriously. Can you watch where you're going!" The girl shouted, huffing and rolling her eyes in my face. "Are you stupid or something, you bitch!"
I was calm. Before I heard her whiny, squeaky, irritating voice, that seemed to spark the rage in me.
"Watch your tone." I glared, my hand gripping on the straps of my bag.
The girl tried barging past me, pushing me so I'd move. She messed with the wrong girl. Hasn't she heard about my bad reputation. I don't know who she thinks she's pushing, but she won't be doing it again when I've finished.
The girl started whining once again, although her voice was incoherent.
I grabbed her by the collar and punched her in her cheek. She tried, miserably, at punching me back. I slammed my fist into her face once again and began pummelling her. A crowd had gathered around us, everyone egging the fight on. The Pepsi spilling rude girl fell flat on the floor, although I didn't stop. I just kept on and on, battering her already bloodied and bruised face. I was blinded with rage.
Suddenly, and unexpectedly, I was dragged off her. They were holding me around my waist. I pushed the unexpected person away from me and stormed away, not waiting to be shouted at by teachers who seemed to be at the scene.
"Wait. Blaze wait up." Cori called behind me. So he dragged me off her, did he.
"What do you want?"
"Why'd you do that?" He asked just as he caught up to me, breathless.
"She was a rude, infuriating bitch. What did you want me to do? Shake her hand and bid her good day?"
"Blaze you shouldn't have—"
"Shut up. Don't you start with me."
"Maybe my mom's right. Maybe you do need some help."
"Kiss my ass, Cody." He infuriated me even more with that statement.
I walk away from him, not bothering to hear him correct his name like usual and not wanting to moan at me even more. I was done. I make my way outside, where hopefully I'd get some peace from those around me.
The sun hit me in the face as soon as I got outside. The heat burning me up, making me warm. But no amount of sun would fix the coldness inside of me. A bottle of Jack probably isn't the best, but it's the only answer I've got.
I sit down on the steps, sipping on the bitter liquor. I knew this is not who I was. Who I was before. But it's my only option now. I can't get who I was back.
I was busy drinking, getting slightly intoxicated, when a shadow blocks my view. Standing in from of me is Nicola Casen, her arms crossed staring down at me.
"What?"
"Don't what me. What do you think you're doing?" She scolds like a mother would.
"Drinking, obviously."
"No, I mean beating a girl up. Drinking like some alcoholic on the steps."
I just shrugged, which didn't seem to please her.
"Get up now. You are going to sit down at home, listen to what I have to say and look at a list for some mentors."
"Don't mother me. You're not my mom. Nor will you ever be. So don't try to manage me." I stand up, sliding past her, towards her car and opening the passenger side and slamming the door shut.
I'm sick and tired of everything now. I feel like there's no way out. My life is in shambles. It's like I've been floating, and I've lost all form of time. Just watching my life go downhill. Watching it all happen like a sad little movie.
Where will it all end?