~ Virah ~
in which Radha writes a letter to Krishn after her marriage
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Dear Krishn...
As I'm writing this, tears fall from my eyes.
I'm writing this with a morpankh; one that you gave to me with your love that I've managed to treasure for so long.
Oh how cruel life is..! We never expected for things to turn out this way. Happily in love. Wishing to be married with each other.
Was it wrong?
It seems like fate doesn't want us to be together. It doesn't want us to be with each other.
Ayan has married me. It has been hours since our marriage happened.
You know that it will not be appropriate if we meet each other even after this. I need to be the ideal daughter in law for my home.
I don't love you.
At least that was what I thought.
But my heart seemed to beat and race when you played your bansuri like you always do. An smile appeared on my face without my permission.
I almost ran out of my home to meet you like I always do.
I stopped.
This can't go on anymore. I'm married and I can't meet you. Like this. As lovers.
Then why do I feel like I still love you, Krishn? Why do I yearn to see you? Why does my heart continue to race whenever I think of you? And why, oh why, does the tune of your magical flute make me want to lose my mind and dance with you forever?
Remember our raas?
Bathing in the glorious moonlight, you played your flute to my heart's content as me and the gopis danced around you in eternal peace.
I would rest my head on your shoulder with closed eyes and a smile. You would look at me with pure love in your eyes.
We would intertwine our fingers, falling asleep in the other's embrace.
And what about our colors of love?
Sure, I acted like I didn't want you to color me first but inside I was always colored in your love.
You have helped me overcome so many struggles. Fear, attraction, anger, arrogance...
You taught me the true meaning of love.
You told me that we were the true meaning of love.
If we were, why didn't we get married? Why did the universe decide to keep us apart?
Do you remember how you used to adorn me?
You would do it with so much love. Even when I was going to be married to an asur. Even now, you were the one who adorned me for mine and Ayan's marriage.
You still did it with all your love. Even as your heart was breaking.
It pains me to see you like this, Krishn.
I can't bear to see your once happy face filled with sorrow. I can't see the tear stained cheeks when I've seen your mischievous smile all my life.
Morpankh. Your morpankh has always been my favorite.
I loved fixing it on you. I would swell with pride knowing that I would be the only one who could do that.
And the many hours we spent, swinging on a jhula. It was filled with so much love. Love for you. Love for me.
And the many times you've made me kheer. You would feed it to me, smiling.
And the number of times I've made makhan for you. Krishn, you would always make me eat it before I could feed it to you.
People say that you don't realize the importance of something until it's gone.
I understand. I realize why they said it now.
When you were there, basking me in your love, I didn't understand the importance of it. Now that I'm supposed to be someone else's, I miss you.
I want to lay my head on your shoulder again.
I want to dance to the tunes of your bansuri.
I want to fix the morpankh on you.
I want to feed you makhan. I want you to feed me kheer.
I want to swing with you on a jhula in the pure moonlight.
I want to be in your love again, Krishn.
Forever. And ever. And ever. Till I can't get enough of it.
What have you done to me, oh Krishn?
You've made me yearn for you. You've made me fall for you. You've made me love you.
Everyone called you a manmohan. Everyone said that you were someone you couldn't help but fall helplessly in love with.
I denied it then. I doubted you. I would shake my head and look at you with anger.
How the tables changed...Isn't the irony funny?
I used to deny that you were a manmohan of any sort. And now..?
Now I call you my manmohan.
Krishna. Kanha. Murali manohara. Mohana murari.
All of your names do justice to you.
But I will always call you as my Krishn. You will always be my Krishn.
Just like how I'll always be your Radhe.
But what will happen to this love? Is this the end? The end of our love?
I suppose.
I am another man's wife now, Krishn. As much as it hurts me to say this, how can one be a lover when they have a husband?
"We should end this now, Krishn."
Those were my thoughts. I wanted to tell that to you face to face but I couldn't bring myself to.
I can't see you hurt.
Why should we end our love, Krishn? I have always loved you—always will love you.
This is the truth.
I know this isn't right in the eyes of the society. A woman loving someone else while being married? Truly scandalous.
I don't care.
I love you with all my heart, every inch of me loves you—and only you.
I don't care about the society. I don't care about Ayan, his mother, father or sister. I don't care what they would say. I don't even care about what my parents, Kirtida Maa and Vrishbhan Baba, would say.
I will be the ideal daughter in law, but I shall always love you.
I will never be able to accept Ayan as my lover–or even husband.
For in my heart, I've been married to you. Married to you for eons.
I feel like we are eternal lovers. Like we will be an example of true and pure love in the future.
You've always told me, haven't you?
That we are eternal lovers. We've loved each other since the beginning of time.
Somewhere through this all, I lost myself. I lost myself to your music. I lost myself in your love. In your glory. In you.
And I don't want to ever step away from your warmth. From your love. I don't want to face the reality of this world.
Our love is pure, uncorrupted. I don't want it to be filled with the dark sides of our society.
Will we meet again? Like we always did? Will you play your flute for me? Adorn me with my ornaments? Can I ever fix the morpankh on you ever again?
Will any of this happen?
Only you know, Krishn. And you will refuse to tell me. I am sure that you will.
But no matter what happens, I shall always belong to you.
And only to you.
I will always be your Radhe. I can't be anyone else's. Only yours. Forever yours.
I wonder, Krishn, did you know that my marriage had to be fixed with Ayan and not you?
Did you know and not tell me for you knew it would hurt me to the very depth of my heart?
Things have changed, haven't they?
Even if I shall always be known as your lover, I'll never be the wife. I'll never be the one who shall be known as Krishn's wife, his consort.
Because I am merely someone who fell in love with the splendid divine being called Krishn. I am merely someone who fell in love with the tune of your flute. I am merely someone who loved you.
Shall I ever meet your wife?
Perhaps I'll tell her of what an amazing gem of a person you are. Of your splendor. And how she should never lose you.
I'll never be able to see your wedding though.
Krishn, you are meant to go somewhere great. To the heights of this world. A quaint village called Barsana will never be suitable for you.
And, I have built my entire world around Barsana. Everyone I love is in Barsana. I shall always be here while you...
You shall go to great places. You shall achieve impossible feats.
You will be remembered forever.
Meanwhile I shall be, hopefully, somewhere in your heart. Hopefully be someone who you think about from time to time with a loving smile on your face.
That is all I wish for.
The thought of that shall keep me alive. It shall keep nurturing the love I have for you. It will be the reason I shall smile and be happy.
You've always said this line to me, all the time whenever I ask for something...
"Sakhi ki iccha meri liye aadhesh hai."
Well, your priya sakhi is asking you, my Krishn...
Will you promise to remember me forever? Will you meet me again? Will you keep the love I have for you safely?
Will I always be yours? And will you always be mine? As my Krishn?
Oh, what the future holds! Oh, its ways of making things happen how it wants them to be! Oh, the ways this love of ours has changed!
But I shall always be the mere girl from a little village who shall love you for eternities to come.
And I shall always be the mere girl who shall always dance to the tune of your flute.
I shall always be yours. Your Radha. Your love. Your heart. Your other part.
This love of ours is unbreakable. It can't be shattered by the harsh reality of our society. Blissful in your love. Dancing in the moonlight. Smiling at you and at your love. Our love is sacred.
And hopefully, we shall always be remembered as
RadhaKrishn.
The eternal lovers who sacrificed their love for the world. The eternal lovers who are still said to be loving the other.
If I do meet your wife in the future, I'd tell her to never let go of you. For I've learned that you must take of the good in your life while they're there. Or else, it will be too late.
This love is ours, my Krishn. And forever ours only.
With love,
Your Radhe.