At the camp, I change into fresh clothes. I don't bother looking in the mirror, I know I'm a mess. On my way to the girls' cabin, I quickly stop off at the beach to collect my things.
I'm eight minutes late to the girls.
"Did you oversleep? Honestly, what are you going to do when I'm not there to wake you?" Zoe jokes as I pant in the doorway.
"Er, yeah," I mumble as the girls rush around the room like a tornado of excitement, getting ready for the day ahead.
"What?" Zoe pries, moving towards me.
I wait to catch my breath completely before I blurt out, "I went for a swim since I woke up really early, and you won't believe who else was out there."
"Who?" She asks, her eyes lighting up.
"Ryan Jefferson. And the best part? I swam into his fricken' boat!" I sigh, feeling my cheeks colour.
"No!" Zoe squeals, drawing it out in a tell-me-everything kind of way.
I'm about to launch into the full, embarrassing story when Nellie tugs on the hem of my T-shirt. I know we're not meant to have favourites, but something just makes me like Nellie that little bit more.
"Cassie, can you plait my hair?" She holds two neon green hairbands up for me.
"Of course," I reply, silently relieved not to share my story just yet.
"This conversation is not over," Zoe smirks as Nellie takes my hand and leads me to her bed.
"How come your hair's so wet?" Nellie asks innocently as she jumps onto the bed, seemingly more settle than yesterday.
I sit down behind her and run the brush through her soft hair. "I went swimming this morning," I reply, realising that my hair probably could do with a brush too.
I divide Nellie's almost white hair as equally as possible and start to plait one side. She hands me a band and I move onto the next side. It doesn't look too bad considering I've only ever plaited my own hair before, and not very well at that.
"Are we gonna swim in the lake?" Nellie asks, pulling at a thread of her yellow top.
"Not today, but we will sometime. Do you like swimming?" Nellie shrugs and then disappears into the bathroom. I'd think it weird if I didn't already know how interactions with Nellie tend to go.
*
After a morning of warm-up activities and lunch, all groups gather on the beach where Jen and the older counsellors have set up the first games for Group Competition. As we sit the kids down, I can't help but glance across the lake. I wonder what Ryan's up to?
Ohmigod, Cassie! I turn away from the lake, cheeks burning.
"Good afternoon, Campers! We have a very exciting first day of Group Competitions! Every Sunday there will be a new activity to compete in. At the end of each day, the girl and boy from each group who score the most points will win a medal!" There's an excitable 'ooh' from the crowd. "But don't worry if you don't win; there's pizza for dinner and every Sunday night we have a campfire with s'mores!" Jen beams and everyone cheers. I can't help but join in, their glee infectious. It reminds me of Sports Day at primary school.
"Right, littles, our game is super duper hard! You're going to have ten bean bags." Zoe catches the beanbag Zack tosses her and she shows it to the kids. "And you have to throw them into a hoop. Each hoop has a different score. Red is ten points, orange is twenty and green is thirty." Zack jumps into each hoop as Zoe says its colour. "If your bean bag doesn't land in a hoop then you score zero, but that's not gonna happen because you're all awesome!" Zoe grins at the littles.
They seem pretty psyched up about the game as we line them up from oldest to youngest. Zoe hands me a clipboard with their names, ten boxes for points beside each one and a total box at the end.
"Your first throw can be a practise, but every one after that counts. Benjy, you're up first." Zoe smiles encouragingly as she holds the bucket of bean bags up for him.
Zack is stationed at the end of all the hoops, ready to call out a point for me to mark down, while Tabitha and Aisling are at the end of the line, helping the youngest littles to practise their throwing.
Benjy picks a bean bag from the bucket and eyes up a hoop, he hops from one leg to the other, deciding which position is best. He pulls his arm back and launches the bean bag, hitting Zack right in the stomach. He doubles over and the littles erupt into laughter.
"Sorry, Zack!" Benjy's cheeks redden.
"S'OK, dude. Just aim for the ground next time." Zack gasps as he rubs his belly.
"Great energy, but you don't have to put so much effort into it. The bean bags are light so if you toss them hard they'll stay in the air longer." Zoe demonstrates a gentler throw as Benjy nods beside her.
Benjy steps up to the mark again, takes a new bean bag and a deep breath. He pulls his arm back again, but not so far this time, and throws the bag much more controlled than before.
"Good job, Benjy!" I exclaim as Zack calls out, "twenty points!" I mark the score down and Benjy joins the back of the line, making way for Annie.
She gives me a small smile and tucks a strand of the strawberry blonde hair she shares with her sister behind an ear. She plucks a bean bag from the bucket and jumps as she throws it into the orange hoop.
"Great, Annie! Do you want that as your practise or shall I count it?" I ask.
She shrugs. "It's a good score, right?"
I nod. She seems happy enough with that and skips to the back of the line.
Harry takes his place at the mark and fishes around in the bucket until he finds a bean bag he likes. He takes a deep breath, places one leg in front of the other, pulls is arm back slowly and then tosses the bean bag carefully, just missing the first ring. Harry hangs his head and my heart beats for him.
I kneel down to Harry's level and smile. "It's alright, that was just a practise." I hand him a new bean bag. "Give it another go." Harry flashes his gappy grin and throws the new bean bag with more power. It lands right in the middle of the ten hoop. Harry claps his hands in delight and runs to the back of the line.
Next up is Nellie. The plaits I did in her hair this morning are starting to come out; I'll have to learn how to tie them better.
"I don't want to," Nellie whispers, she looks almost teary-eyed.
"How come?" I ask. My heart goes out to her, I just want to hug her and tell her to give it a go.
"I'm not good at it." She shrugs.
I don't think, my hand automatically reaches for a bean bag. I toss it so gently that it lands halfway to the first hoop. "Well, you can't be any worse than me." I smile and hold a bean bag out for her.
Nellie giggles quietly and takes the bean bag. Her face turns serious as she steps up to the mark. She takes a deep breath and hurls the bean bag with her eyes squeezed shut. It lands in the red hoop, just.
"Yeah! Ten points, Nellie! That's better than I did!" I give her a high five and she walks to the back of the line holding her head a little higher than before.
When I look up from the clipboard Zoe is smiling at me. "What?" I ask as Alfie takes a bean bag from the bucket.
"You're really good with them."
I feel my cheeks heat up. "Thanks." I smile slightly.
Alfie launches his bean bag, just missing Zack's head. "OK! New rule, anyone who hits me is disqualified!" Zack calls in a jokey way, I smirk across the hoops at him. The littles laugh, un-phased by Zack's ruling.
The Group Competition takes us almost up to dinner time and the littles are getting restless. The smell of pizza cooking drifts over as we settle them in front of Jen. It doesn't help that we can see the families going in and out of the Great Mess Hall; knowing that they've have some delicious pizza.
I circle the names of the boy and the girl who scored the most and hand the clipboard to Jen. I hate watching the littles with hopeful eyes, knowing who is right to feel that way and who is going to be crushed.
Zoe finishes settling the littles and comes to stand beside me, she nudges my shoulder gently. "I haven't forgotten about this morning. Let's ditch the guys tonight and get milkshakes at Old Jack's." I nod because I can't really say no.
"I have the results of our first Group Competition in my hands. When I call your name, make your way up here to receive your medal." Jen waves a hand towards two of the older counsellors who are holding up plastic gold medals. "Let's start with the littles and then you can go and freshen up for dinner." Jen nods her head towards us sensing how tired and bored the littles now are. "The highest scoring 6-8s were Noah and Annie!"
Noah and Annie run to the front and beam with pride as the counsellors place medals around their necks. Everyone claps and cheers, but it's not as enthusiastic as this morning. There are a few littles with tears in their eyes, but mostly I think they're just too hot and tired to care right now.
It's been a long afternoon in the sun, and I'm not surprised when some of the girls crawl into their beds. We have about half an hour until dinner, and if they're going to be staying up for the s'mores and campfire, then a power nap isn't a bad idea. I'm almost tempted to lie down on one of the free beds.
*
Once the littles have eaten and are somehow full of energy again, we head to the beach. The older kids and counsellors have set up a huge circle with logs and blankets around the brightly burning campfire. There is a circle of logs about a metre from the fire as a boundary, but the littles should still be able to reach it for their s'mores.
There is something so homely about campfires. The pops and whizzes it makes are like music to my ears, and the dancing amber flames are so beautiful to watch. When I was little, we'd have a campfire and s'mores in the back garden on special occasions. I don't remember when they stopped, but right now, all those memories flash in my head like a kaleidoscope of happiness.
The campfire also brings back memories from our camping trips, but I try not to loom on them for too long, otherwise, I'll start thinking about Mum and the anniversary.
The littles are excitable and struggle to sit still as Jen goes over the rules for the fire and s'mores. I feel myself looking out to the lake. The sun is starting to set and the water reflects the pink in the sky. I feel sorry for the kids at Jefferson Lakes, they've probably never seen a campfire before in their life.
Jen and Connor, one of the older counsellors, sit across the fire from us, strumming on their guitars as we help the littles to make their s'mores. Kelsey licks her fingers on one side of me, while Nellie gnaws on her s'more as delicately as possible on my other side.
"Good, huh?" I ask Nellie as I finish my own s'more.
"The best. I've never had one before." Nellie smiles contently, chocolate spread across her face.
"Have you ever camped?" I ask carefully, knowing that if I ask too many questions, or the wrong ones, she might shut down.
Nellie shakes her head. "Daddy wanted to camp, but Mummy doesn't like it. I've never been away from Mummy before."
"Me either." I smile at her. Nellie looks at me quizzically, like she's trying to decide if I'm telling the truth or not.
"What about your daddy?" My heart feels like it's been stabbed and my breath catches in my throat. But how's Nellie to know? It's an innocent enough question.
"Oh. My dad's not with us anymore," I say quietly. It's not common knowledge here and I'd prefer it to stay that way.
"Mine neither."
I don't press anymore because I know this is progress for her and I don't want Nellie to start clamming up again. I want her to feel like she can talk to me when she wants to.
The campfire songs start once everyone has finished their s'more and is seemingly content. Some of the littles start to dance and soon everyone is on their feet, singing and dancing.
Through the fire, I see Robbie dancing with one of the kids in his group, Crash is playing the air guitar, Josh is teaching some of the kids the Macarena and Zoe is making up a fist bump with Kelsey. As I watch the others around the fire, my heart fills with joy and a content feeling settles somewhere inside me. I can't remember a time when I felt so connected to so many people all at once.
Nellie tugs at my shirt and holds her hands out for me. We dance together for the rest of the night and I don't think I've ever seen her smile so brightly.