Based on LOONA's "Number 1"
Gender-neutral
Fluff and angst
Warning: references to self-harm
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After spending nearly three years with (y/n), I've noticed something. Something that's bothered me for a while now. It's been happening quite often for nearly a year or so and I'm not liking it.
(y/n) became more and more stoic. A stone face that showed almost no emotion on a daily basis.
The smile that would appear on their face when I tell them I love them had never returned. I'd get no reaction from kisses. The excitement that used to show whenever we went on dates was gone.
I've been (y/n)'s girlfriend for three years and I've learned a lot about them over that timespan. I know that (y/n) is a soft and warm person. I know they get lonely quickly and need someone next to them. I know depression sets in at a horrifying pace when they become isolated and when depression looms over them, things get... drastic. With neither parent in the picture, the effects only got worse.
That's why when (y/n) started distancing themselves from us, I feared for the worst. I wanted to extend my hands to them, but they couldn't reach.
This isn't something only I have noticed either. Both Kim Lip and Choerry mentioned it to me. The four of us were pretty close entering high school. (y/n) and I were together and I've known both Kim Lip and Choerry since elementary school. I brought (y/n) into the current friend group I was a part of.
When they brought (y/n)'s strange behaviour up, they both looked worried. We planned our ways to bring back (y/n)'s old self, but they never worked. Even the embodiment of positivity Choerry couldn't bring (y/n)'s mood up, and that was a rarity.
It wasn't long after we stopped planning these outlandish strategies that I got a phone call from (y/n) late at night.
It was nearly three in the morning when I picked up the phone. The line was silent from the moment I picked up too. Neither (y/n) or I said anything. I was scared to say anything that would hurt me and our relationship even further.
(y/n) eventually spoke, but I immediately wished they didn't. They spoke the three words that would break my heart into a million pieces and bring my whole world crashing down on me.
"Let's break up."
Tears immediately started forming in my eyes and my hand shook as I pressed my phone to my ear. "Why?"
"I can't be doing this anymore." (y/n)'s words and voice didn't match, though. While the words were cold, I could hear a bit of wavering in their voice. It sounded like they either had been crying or were ready to cry.
"(y/n), what's wrong?"
I then heard the voice on the other side of the call break down in tears. My heart shattered as I heard (y/n)'s weeping through the phone. Hearing them cry caused me to have my own breakdown.
"(y/n) please, just talk to me."
"I-I don't know..." (y/n)'s voice was weak and small.
After that, we talked until the sun came up.
We talked about the fears we held.
We talked about the struggles we endured.
We talked about the strength we wish he had.
We shed tears together.
We worked out our issues.
We once again found ourselves together.
All was right again between us.
We went to school the next day hand in hand and (y/n) had a revitalized smile on their face. Choerry and Kim Lip were happy to see them back to where they should be; happy and by my side.
Our dates were also livelier again. We went to the zoo and (y/n) would smile constantly at my childish antics whenever I saw a cute animal. I missed that smile and cherished every moment it was on their face.
Our weekly picnics we'd have every Sunday were no different. The two of us would spend hours in the park staring up at the clouds or just chat about bland things. Whenever our eyes met, (y/n) would grow a serene smile on their face and a smile would appear on mine as well.
Since (y/n) lived alone, I regularly stayed at their home for the night to keep them company. (y/n) would often call me at night and I'd head over to their house within minutes. They'd always apologize about being a burden late at night, but I didn't mind at all. It only meant I had more time to spend with them.
(y/n) eventually decided to go to a psychologist about the depression that would overcome them when they were alone. I was hesitant to let them turn to prescriptions for help, but they were adamant about it.
And the early days of the prescriptions worked wonders. (y/n) didn't need me to go over to their house every night to keep them company, which brought a sense of loneliness to me, but even though (y/n) didn't need me there physically, they'd call me before they went to sleep to tell me how good they felt and to keep me some company. There was no fear or sadness in their voice when they spoke on the phone, which really eased my mind.
It was only when winter came around that I started feeling a sense of worry again.
While (y/n) was the same at school, the nightly phone calls had come in less frequently. They became every other day. Then it became once a week. Then once a month. Then, before long, the calls had just stopped.
It's not that I'm overprotective of (y/n), but knowing them, I couldn't help but worry. Being in the dark about (y/n) at night worried me a lot more than I would've thought. I knew they had their prescriptions, but I was still hesitant on saying they worked 100% of the time.
One night, I ended up calling them. I needed my worries to go away. (y/n) picked up the phone pretty quickly and sounded pretty cheerful. We talked about a few random things until we decided we needed to sleep. That conversation gave me the closure I was looking for for the time being.
The next few months were great. More dates, more love, more happiness. (y/n) smiled a lot more and my worries simply went away.
But sadly, I learned the severity of (y/n)'s depression not long after that. The two of us, along with Choerry and Kim Lip, were invited to a party over at one of Kim Lip's friends. Yves was her name and she was well known at our school as the queen of elegance.
So when we arrived at their house and were met with alcohol and loud music, we were rather surprised. It was definitely not what I was expecting from someone dubbed the queen of elegance.
The party went along smoothly, Choerry and I simply shied away from all of the noise while (y/n) went along with the excitement and Kim Lip spent time with her friend.
It was then I was met with the (y/n) of the past. Actually, much worse than the past. They were beyond the stone-faced version of themselves and became more of a completely broken version. (y/n) couldn't form coherent sentences and simply cried.
At first, I assumed (y/n) was the type of person to become a clingy, sad person when drunk, but I had realized something much worse.
The mixture of alcohol and antidepressants. That leads to dangerous things. Things including worsened depressive thoughts and death.
I quickly left the party with (y/n) and Choerry and drove to (y/n)'s house. On the way there, (y/n) had lost consciousness. Panic ensued in the car, but they were still softly breathing. With the spare key I had to their house, I pushed through the front door and pulled (y/n) up to their room.
It was there I was met with a heartbreaking sight. Cans, bottles, boxes. All alcoholic drinks like beer, wine, whiskey. The room was completely trashed. It reeked of alcohol and sadness.
Choerry also noticed this overwhelming smell from the kitchen and when she came up to see what the source was, she also was shocked by the mess.
"W-Well... at least (y/n)'s still with us... right?" Choerry managed to say nearly choking up on her own words.
We pulled (y/n) onto their bed and Choerry left me to change their clothes. I started with their jeans and swapped them with their favourite sweatpants they wear during their lazy days at home. When I reached their shirt, I noticed something again.
Honestly, I didn't think I could handle much more than that.
The scars. I rolled (y/n)'s sweater sleeves down to expose the scars that decorated their wrists. Some lines looked like they were days old while others looked like they've been around for a while.
Tears immediately came streaming down my face.
Knowing (y/n) was suffering in darkness while facing a beautiful smile to me hurt. I don't want them to be hurting more than before. I wrapped my arms around (y/n)'s unconscious body and fell asleep listening to their steady breathing and thumping heartbeat. Tears escaped my eyelids as I shut them tightly, hoping everything was just a dream.
It wasn't until noon the next day I woke up. With a drowsy head, I slowly got my bearings straight. I looked around and got reacquainted with my surroundings.
It was (y/n)'s messy room. With the sunlight pouring through the blinds, I could see everything in perfect light. The assortment of alcohol containers scattered the floor, along with pill bottles empty of (y/n)'s prescriptions.
The memories of the night before began running in my head. I felt (y/n)'s suffering. Everything that (y/n) couldn't show me was on full display last night.
Then, it shot me awake. The body I had fallen asleep on was gone. (y/n) was nowhere in sight. Maybe they had woken up before me and were downstairs.
I dragged myself out of (y/n)'s bed and out of their room. The house was quiet as I entered the corridor. I made my way to the living room, but it was also empty. So was the kitchen.
Once again, worry set in. I texted (y/n) to ask about their whereabouts and threw myself onto the couch in their living room.
The day went on and I still hadn't gotten a response from (y/n). I eventually texted Choerry as well, hoping she had a clue about (y/n)'s status, but the girl had no idea as well.
I got a few texts from Kim Lip about last night's party, wondering what had happened. I just told her that (y/n) wasn't feeling well so we brought them home. I couldn't have her start worrying about (y/n) as well.
The sun eventually set and nighttime came around, but (y/n) was still nowhere to be seen. No sign of their presence anywhere. My mind raced, trying to think of anywhere they'd be at this time.
I quickly drove to Choerry's house and explained everything to her. She knew about (y/n)'s absence, but the fact that they never came back worried the both of us.
We hopped into my car and aimlessly drove around in the night. At first, we went to locations I'd spend time with (y/n) when we had free time on the weekends. Parks, convenience stores, beaches. Anywhere I thought of when I thought of (y/n).
I eventually drove to an empty park on the outskirts of Seoul. It was a place (y/n) and I liked to visit since it was often quiet, though due to distance, we couldn't go there as much as we'd like to. If (y/n) was here, they must've walked a long time.
The two of us split up and searched the grounds.
Every step I took under the midnight sky felt dizzying. Panic blurred my mind as I walked the dark park.
All I wanted was (y/n) beside me again. I just wanted to be their comfort in hard times. When the black night returns, I want to be the one to wrap around their slumped shoulders and comfort them.
It felt hopeless. I called out their name into the night sky, hoping I'd get a response, but I got nothing. No one was in the open fields. No one was in the tree line that surrounded the park. No one sat at the picnic benches that decorated the grounds.
I found myself walking along the river that ran through the middle of the park, and there, a lone figure sat there.
The silhouette of a person with their head in their knees, weeping.
The moonlight shone off the water and illuminated the person I was searching for all this time.
"(y/n)!" With a full head of steam, I dashed to the person who sat still next to the river.
Every step felt heavy. Every step I took felt like the distance between us only grew larger. I took a step and another step under the darkness. I shouted their name a few more times until my extended out hand finally could reach them.
I tackled them into a hug as I cried into the sweater they wore from the day before. It still smelled of alcohol, but I couldn't care less.
"Jinsoul?" Their voice wavered as they looked at me. A look of disbelief was on their face and even in the darkness of night, I could see their eyes were puffy from crying.
"Yeah, it's me." I nodded onto their sweater while wiping the tears on the fabric. "Where have you been?"
(y/n) gave me a weak smile, still trying to keep up a strong front. "Here, I guess."
"(y/n)..." I hugged them even tighter. "Please... just tell me what's wrong..."
I could feel their body trembling under my grip. Their lips quivered as a tear threatened to fall.
"You don't have to hide anything from me, (y/n)." I pulled (y/n) down to the grass and hugged them tightly.
The two of us lied down in silence while looking up at the night sky. I just wanted to feel their warmth against me.
"I'm pathetic, aren't I?"
"Wha-" I pulled my head out of (y/n)'s chest to look at them.
"I can't even be alone without feeling sad. I can't even tell my own girlfriend that I feel weak. I can't even keep myself afloat without wanting to drown in my depression." A tear ran down (y/n)'s cheek as they spoke. Their eyes couldn't meet mine and instead kept looking up. "Why are you even here with me right now? There are plenty of peo-"
"Because you're my number one." I cut (y/n) off. "No matter which sky you cry under, I won't let you go unnoticed."
"I'm just a burden to you, Jinsoul..." They tried to pull my arm off of them, but I kept my iron grip wrapped around them.
"I'm your girlfriend, (y/n). It's more than just a pretty title." I strengthened my grip around their torso as I spoke, hoping it'll help get my point across. "When I walk down an empty street alone after school, I'd always think about you. Whenever I see you, I'll try my hardest to shine on you. When we walk around aimlessly on the weekends, I want to hold hands and match our footsteps like we're dancing to a soundtrack we can't hear. In the dark night, I want to be that distant light that guides you. I want to colour this world for you, (y/n)."
(y/n)'s eyes widened as another tear ran down their face. "But why?"
"Because I love you. Isn't that enough of an answer?" I softly placed my hands on their cheeks, forcing their eyes on me. "I'll be here forever. Even if the darkness finds you again, I'll be by your side. When I'm with you, there's a spreading warmth in my heart and I want you to feel it too."
Tears began running down (y/n)'s face. One by one until they couldn't hold it back anymore. They wrapped their arms around me and I did the same for them.
"You're my number one, (y/n). Now and forever."
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A/N
Honestly, I forgot what I wanted to write about midway through the chapter, so if something felt off or just seemed sloppy, I'm sorry. That's just me forgetting the idea of the chapter to begin with.
If there are any requests on songs to use or idols you want written about, let me know and I'll consider them. I have plenty of time since I have nothing to do every day. I'll consider male idols too tbh.
Stay safe, people <3 beware the corona man!