Matty
When the ambulance arrived at Ross's flat, both George and I jumped to our feet to let them get to Alyssa. I couldn't tear my eyes away from her lifeless body as she lay on the ground. This was all my fault, everything is my fucking fault.
The paramedics begun working on her, checking for a pulse. George did all the talking since he seemed to be a lot more coherent than I was. I couldn't bring myself to speak. "No pulse." One said. It felt like my breathing was being restricted, I couldn't seem to hold a breath to save myself.
"Her breathing is shallow but it's not improving." The other said. I looked at George with pain in my eyes. This was a nightmare, just a stupid dream I was going to wake up from at any moment now.
"George, the sniff." I whispered to him. He looked at me and nodded towards his pocket, indicating that he had the rest of it on him.
"She's getting weaker, we need to get her to the hospital now." One of the paramedics said. I didn't know what to fucking do, the whole thing was scaring the life out of me.
We had to get an Uber to the hospital because they wouldn't let any of us go in the ambulance with her, I don't understand why though. George came with me but thankfully the police didn't get called out or we'd all have been in the shit.
The drive was sending me into a full state of shock, what the fuck was going to happen to Alyssa? Was she going to be okay? I don't think I could live with myself if she died because of this.
"It's gonna be okay, she's going to be okay." George tried to reassure me.
"But what if she's not?" I snapped. "It's my fucking fault, I shouldn't have let her take so fucking much." I felt the blood in my veins boil.
"How do you fucking think I feel Matty? I gave her the drugs." He spat back at me.
"This isn't right." I shook my head.
"We need to keep our shit together, she needs us to stay hopeful and take care of her when this is over." George lowered his voice. "I won't be able to live with myself if this is how she dies."
"I can't lose her, I just can't" My voice was wobbly due to me being on the verge of tears again. "I don't think I'll be able to deal with it if I do."
"I know." George looked away, masking the fact he was now crying. And that's what set me off. If my best fucking friend that I've only ever seen cry 3 times in my life, is now breaking down. There was no hope for me, the most sensitive soul in London right now.
The Uber arrived at the hospital and we got out, both bolting into the A&E entrance. I got to the desk first. "Alyssa Stevens, where is she?" I blurted out a little too obnoxiously. "Sorry, I didn't mean to sound rude." I mentally slapped myself.
"She's being treated right now, take a seat and we will keep you updated." The receptionist said politely. It made me feel much worse for barging in so rudely.
"Thank you so much." I forced a smile, it was painful. I shouldn't be smiling right now.
We walked over to the waiting room chairs and sat down, my leg was bouncing nervously as we sat there in silence. This wait was going to be the death of me.
-
"Mr Healy." A voice brought me out of my thoughts, I looked up to see a nurse standing at the doors of the triage area. I shot up to my feet and ran over to her.
"Yes, that's me." George followed in tow.
"Alyssa is awake now, you can go in." She nodded for me to follow her, we both did though.
Every twist and turn in the hospital corridors made me more and more anxious but at least Alyssa was alive, that's better than anything else. When we got to the room, the nurse opened the door and I ran in as quickly as I could. Alyssa was sitting on the bed with her legs crossed in front of her. She looked dead behind the eyes, staring at the wall in front of her. "Alyssa." I said softly, she didn't look up though.
"She's still a bit out of it but she'll be okay." The nurse said from the doorway, I looked at her and gave a weak smile. George walked into the room and stood beside me. Alyssa's eyes finally tore away from the wall in front of her and into my own. She looked broken, like genuinely broken.
"Are you okay?" I asked her, words didn't seem to be forming in my head right now. I just didn't know what to say to her. Of course she wasn't okay but it seemed like the only thing I could think of to say.
"I'm alive so..." She shrugged.
"I'm sorry." I whispered, walking over to her on the bed. I sat down and stared at her, she didn't say anything.
"We both are." George spoke up, walking over to us.
"Why are you sorry?" She gave us both a confused look.
"It's our fault, you did it with us." George said, I looked up at him and frowned.
"I chose to do it." She shrugged. "It's no one's fault but my own."
"Did they tell you what happened?" I asked her.
"Apparently I took so much that my heart couldn't handle it, went into cardiac arrest and my body shut down." She said softly. "I was dead for 3 minutes."
"What?" I scrunched up my face, she was dead?
"Yeah, they had to revive me. Didn't work first time but unfortunately the second attempt dragged me back onto this shit hole earth." She laughed bitterly.
"It's not funny." I shot at her.
"I have to laugh or else I'll fucking cry." She sighed.
"What's it like to die?" George asked curiously.
"Just dark, like being in a void of nothingness." She said softly.
"Was it scary?" George continued on, I understand why he wanted to keep her talking but she was clearly not taking this as seriously as it is.
"Not really, it was kinda peaceful in a way. What was scary was waking up in here with a bunch of strangers." She said.
"That's mental, least you can say you've died." George chuckled lightly, Alyssa smiled briefly but then I could feel her eyes on me.
"George can you give us a minute?" Alyssa asked, George nodded and slipped out of the room. "Why are you being so quiet?" She frowned. I didn't want to say anything that would upset her but she can't seriously think that everything is okay right now.
"I just don't know what to say right now." I mumbled, unable to look at her. Every time I looked into her eyes I felt like crying all over again. She was trying to put up a front right now but it wasn't right. She nearly fucking died. That isn't okay.
"I'm okay Matty." She said softly. "Please don't make this more difficult."
"You nearly died Alyssa, right in front of me." I furrowed my eyebrows at her. "I didn't know if you were going to be okay."
"It's okay though, you guys did the right thing and I'm alive." She gave me a small smile. "At least look at it that way, I'd be dead if it weren't for you."
"You wouldn't have went through it at all if I hadn't let you do drugs." I said, her eyebrows raised in shock.
"You didn't let me, I shouldn't have to ask." She glared a little, it hurt to see her getting angry now. "You're not my dad, I can do what I want."
"That's not what I meant Alyssa, all I'm saying is that if I didn't do it then you probably wouldn't have and now look at you, I could've lost you because of that choice I made." I rubbed my face with my hands.
"So you're going to blame yourself for this?" She asked, her eyes looked at me with so much pain behind them.
"How can I not blame myself? It's all I'm ever going to do." I looked up at her.
"I don't think you quite understand how it could've happened whether you were there or not." She shrugged. "I could've done it with George or Adam, any other time."
"It's not the point, I feel like I brought you into this group and showed you the worst sides of our lives." I said quickly.
"So you regret even meeting me then?" Her face turned angry.
"I don't regret meeting you, I just think I've brought something into your life that is so damaging that you nearly fucking died." She closed her eyes and groaned in frustration.
"If that's how you feel then I can't exactly stop you." She said. "But it wasn't your fault Matty, there are too many factors for you to be the issue here."
"Like what?" I frowned.
"I have a heart condition." She whispered, my eyes widened.
"And you still did cocaine? Knowing that it could fuck up your heart?" I was shocked, why didn't she tell me this before.
"I didn't really think about it, I just did it." She shrugged, her face was completely blank now. Did she want to die or something? Like really die?
"I don't know what to fucking say Alyssa, that was so fucking reckless of you." I spat at her, feeling my blood boil in my veins. "Did you not think about how this might actually kill you? What would your family do? Your friends? You have so much to live for and you're out here being this fucking reckless?"
"You're one to talk." She retorted. "You do it, much worse than I ever have."
"I don't have a heart condition though, it can't kill me that easily." I said.
"It doesn't make it anymore fair for you to throw it in my face, you could die from it too but it doesn't stop you." She said bluntly.
"This is ridiculous Alyssa, you need to think about this more carefully." I stared at her, waiting for her to take it seriously but she just rolled her eyes.
"Maybe you should practice what you preach before you sit there and lecture me on what substances I chuck in my body." She said with a harsh cold tone. I stood up and stared at her.
"This isn't about me, you didn't need to watch me bleeding and turning blue. Trying to feel if I was still breathing or even had a heartbeat. I did. I had to see that tonight and it was the most terrifying thing I've ever seen in my life Alyssa." She just looked at me with cold eyes, like nothing I said mattered.
"But I might one day." She mumbled. That hurt. Did she really think I was that fucking stupid? That I was going to take so many drugs that some day it would end up killing me.
"I've never used your struggles against you." I whispered. "Kinda breaks my heart that you would do it to me."
-
Guilt is one of those feelings that can really weigh you down. And that's all I've felt for the best part of a week now. Guilty. I was the reason this happened to Alyssa. If I didn't agree to do lines with George, she wouldn't have done it either. It doesn't help that my mind likes to wander further back than that, like maybe if I never invited her to my party all those months ago she would be happy and in her flat with Kara, not in this mess. Not messed up in my bullshit.
She barely spoke to me though, whenever we were alone in the flat together she would just stare at the walls completely void of any emotions. What she said in the hospital haunted me a little. Did she really think I was going to end up killing myself with drugs? I didn't think I was really that bad with it but maybe I am. Maybe there is something wrong with me.
The worst part though, which I can't understand why, is the urges to do it more now. My body was telling me to get high to forget the scenes of that night. I didn't want to remember it but every time I would look at her all I could see was her face turning blue and the blood.
She was currently in her own room, completely isolating herself from me. She didn't seem to want to talk to me either. George was sat next to me in silence. We didn't really seem to know what to say to each other since it all happened.
"Things will be okay." George spoke up.
"I don't think they will be." I mumbled, playing with a stray curl that had fell into my eyes.
"It's not even been a week since it happened yet, you have to give her some time." He said reassuringly.
"It's not just her George, I don't know how I'm going to handle it." I sighed, pushing the hair out of my face. "It's haunting my dreams what happened, I'm glad she's alive but she isn't okay."
"She isn't going to be for a bit, that's to be expected but what you need to do now is just be there for her. If she needs the space to process it then you have to give her that." George said.
"I'm trying to but I can't sit here much longer and see the sadness in her eyes, it's destroying me." I put my face in my hands and groaned. "I don't know what to fucking do."
"Give it time, that's all you can do." George put a hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze.
"I just feel like this is all my fault, if I hadn't of even tried to be her fucking friend she wouldn't have even tried it." I sighed, pulling my hands away from my face. "She never tried drugs until she met me, except weed but that doesn't count."
"So you're going to sit here and wonder what would've happened if you never met her, is it worth thinking like that? You wouldn't have had all these experiences with her." He mumbled, pulling his hand away from me.
"But she wouldn't have almost died." I said frowning at him.
"She's still here, alive. You can't beat yourself up forever over this. There could be other things she could've done and almost died because of." He replied. "Thinking about these things will only drive you mental."
"I just can't think of much else right now." I said firmly.
"It's not going to change what happened though, that's all you need to remember." He nodded. "She needs you to stop the wallowing in self pity and make sure she's got someone with her that can remind her why she is still alive."
"I feel like she's slipping away again but this time I can't even be angry about it, she shouldn't be with someone like me that can bring so much chaos to her life." I groaned. "I just wish I wasn't such a wreck with drugs and said no to you that night."
"What's done is done, you can only learn from it." He smiled. "I'm gonna head out now, why don't you try and chat to her for a bit. Maybe suggest watching a movie or something."
"Yeah, maybe." I grumbled. He got up off the couch and gave me a warm smile.
"I promise you, this will get better as time passes. Just try to be there for her." He said. I nodded and he walked out the door.
"Bye George." I called out, he said bye and left the flat.
-
Alyssa
I sat on the balcony in my room, staring at the darkened sky above me. My eyes were heavy from crying and lack of sleep but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to sleep or stop the tears. I felt numb.
The door of my balcony opened and I felt Matty sit down beside me. "Hi." He said quietly. I glanced at him and nodded.
"I heard you and George talking." I stated, he frowned a little and sighed.
"How much did you hear?" He asked.
"Enough." I whispered, feeling the tears prick my eyes.
"I'm scared Alyssa." He whispered in return. I looked at him and could see the tears in his eyes. I've never seen him cry, not properly. It hurt my heart to see him in this much pain because of me.
"Of what?" I asked.
"I feel like I'm losing you." He said softly, dipping his head to look at his hands in his lap.
"I feel like I'm losing myself if that makes you feel any better." He snapped his head up, a look of fear crossing his face.
"I don't know how to help." He said in frustration. "I want to make things better but I just can't seem to be able to do it."
"I wish I could help out with that one but I can't even keep myself in check right now." I said a little too bitterly.
"I don't want to lose you." His voice shook a little, it sounded like he was going to break down any second now. "It's not fair, I just found you in this fucked up excuse of a world but now it feels like you're drifting away from me and there's nothing I can do."
"I'm not." I snapped. "I'm just trying to process it all Matty, I've fucked up here and it's not been easy."
"You didn't fuck up anything." He shook his head.
"I upset you, I've caused you emotional trauma and there's nothing I can do to take it back now." I said staring at him but his eyes were glued to his hands like they had been since he got out here. "You can't even look at me."
"I'm scared to, all I see is pain in your eyes and it breaks my heart." He mumbled, sniffling a little.
"You want to know what I thought about as I was dying?" I asked, he still didn't look up. "It wasn't just complete darkness, I kinda lied about that bit. I didn't want to tell George what I really saw."
"What did you see?" He asked me, fidgeting with his hands.
"You." I whispered. "I saw you, smiling. You were happy and it made me feel safe. I don't know if it was my brain freaking out and trying to give me something to hold onto so I didn't panic even more." His head snapped up and looked at me. I saw a tear fall down his cheek.
"Really?" He quickly wiped away the tear.
"Yeah." I nodded. "Although I could hear you all fucking screaming at each other, I don't know how accurate it was but you kept telling George I was going blue and it kinda freaked me out a bit." I chuckled.
"You were." He shrugged.
"I'm sorry for what I said in the hospital, I was still a bit out of it and my head was trying to convince me that it wasn't serious to stop myself breaking down." I sighed, I put my head in my hands and closed my eyes. "I don't want to die, Matty."
"I don't want you to either." He said, his voice was quivering from trying not to cry more. I felt him put his arms around my waist and lean his head on my shoulder. "I love you, so much."
"I love you too." I said, my voice was breaking a little. "God, we're a mess." I chuckled.
"At least we have each other to help clean up the mess." He mumbled. I felt him lean in and kiss me on the cheek. "We should go inside, it's getting cold."
"What do you want to do then?" I asked.
"Let's watch a movie, you can pick." He sat up and smiled at me.
"You're gonna regret giving me that power." I smirked at him, it was the first time in a week I smiled for real.
"The offer is limited so use it while it's still available." He winked. We both stood up and I went to go inside but he pulled me back and put his lips on mine, there was so much need and emotion behind it. I put my arms around his neck and held him closer to me. We rested our foreheads together and stared into each others eyes. "You're so beautiful, okay?"
"I feel like if I disagree here you're going to have a fit." I chuckled.
"No but I'll just keep saying it until you agree." He grinned.
"Let's go watch a film then, Mr Cheesy." I rolled my eyes and pulled him into the flat. We walked through my room and out into the hallway when a knock at the door brought us both to a halt. We looked at each other confused. "Did George forget something?" I asked, he shrugged and walked towards the door.
When he opened it I couldn't see who was on the other side. "Rachel?" He said in shock. I pushed past him to see my sister standing on the other side of the door, mascara tears covering her face.
"What are you doing here?" I took in her distressed appearance. "How did you even find out where I live?"
"I stopped by your old flat, Kara told me." She said. "Everything's a mess Alyssa." She stepped forward into my arms, crying. I looked at Matty who had a look of confusion that probably mirrored mine. He nodded to bring her inside.
"Come on, we can chat inside." I told her. She pulled back and followed us both inside. Matty stood awkwardly at the door of the living room, clearly unsure of what to do.
"I'm gonna go call my mum." He said randomly, I gave him a thankful look. I doubt he was actually going to ring his mum but the fact he made an excuse to give us some space was sweet.
"What's wrong?" I asked as soon as he was out of earshot. She looked at me and started crying again.
"Everything has just been a fucking mess since Christmas Alyssa." She wiped away the tears but they kept on falling. "Dad left mum for a start." She sobbed. "She's been a wreck and Liam is caught up in the mess."
"Is he okay?" I asked.
"Yeah, he's been fine but he doesn't really seem to understand what's going on. No one told him." She sighed.
"Why are you here though? I'm not saying you're not welcome but I'm just shocked." I said.
"Mason cheated on me." She glared, I wasn't shocked. She knew exactly what he's like but it was sad, she clearly believed he had changed. I'm glad I never trusted him again, he was a mistake.
"I'm sorry." I sighed.
"My lease was up and we decided to move in together, I had a feeling it was gonna be a mistake because it all happened so fucking quickly but I saw how happy you are with Matty and decided to risk it." She told me. "But then I found out he was shagging a bird from his work and it all kicked off. I realised how fucking shitty it all was for you, for mum."
"Yeah." I nodded.
"I had to get out of there and you were the first person I thought of." She frowned even more. "I'm sorry to just show up like this but I didn't know what to fucking do."
"It's okay, you're welcome here." I grabbed her hand to reassure her. "I'll talk to Matty, see if he's okay with you crashing for a bit."
"Are you sure?" She gave me a sheepish look.
"He offered me his spare room because I was in need of it before we were even together, I think it'll be okay." I smiled.
"Thank you." She whispered. "I'm so sorry I've been a shitty sister to you."
"Don't apologise, you're my sister and I love you no matter what okay." I pulled her in for a hug, she just clung to me. The drama never seems to end in my life, does it?
--