"Who would you have chosen?"
That question had haunted me ever since Amanda had said it. I knew the answer and it scared me.
Because it wasn't the man laying in bed next to me.
I quickly got up as I got sick. I hurried to the bathroom, just in time, and threw up into the toilet.
I hovered over it, breathing hard.
That was the latest addition to the experience of being pregnant. It was no perk though.
"Honey, are you okay?" Josh mumbled eventually after he had probably woken up from all the puking.
I winced "Not really"
"Oh I'm so sorry" he gave me a kiss on the back of my head
"I'd bring you a cup of tea but I'm already late for work" he said as he got into the shower.
Really?
He got ready and dressed before giving me another kiss on my hair.
"Have a good day, baby" he winked before leaving.
How had this become my life?
When I finally felt a bit better I got up and put the kettle on. I checked my phone as I waited for the tea to brew.
There was a text from Taron and my heart jumped just reading his name
<<Can I come by on short notice? It's important>>
I frowned. He surely wouldn't ask if it wasn't important.
I texted back <<Sure. I'm at home>>
I heard the bell ring a second later and jumped. That couldn't be him, right?
"Hello?" I asked through the intercom
"It's me" Taron's voice had me shivering.
"Can I come up?"
I pressed the buzzer before I knew what hit me. And what I looked like.
Instead I opened the door for him and smiled.
How was he so handsome all the time? He was dressed in a black jeans and black hoodie. I don't think I had seen him in all black before. But I noticed bags under his eyes and his eyes were red.
Had he been... crying?
"Hey" he said as he pulled me into a hug.
I forgot all my thoughts as I wrapped my arms around his back and breathed him in.
I loved how we were into hugs now. Because he was the only person who actually hugged me really tightly.
I sighed but let go of him before I could start to feel sick again.
"Hi" I smiled "Come on in"
His eyes lingered on me for a second "Are you all right?"
I could ask him the same question.
"Morning sickness" I rolled my eyes
"Oh I'm so sorry" Taron frowned and put one hand on my shoulder "Anything I can do to make you feel better?"
I smiled "I already got tea and some meds"
I had gone to see a doctor days ago and was currently on sick leave.
"Okay good. Well –" he paused "Let me know if I can make you feel better"
I could think of a few things.
I lightly shook my head "Why don't you tell me why you're here? What's wrong?"
He inhaled deeply "I don't really know how to tell you"
My eyes stayed fixated on him. His elbows on his thighs, his hoodie slightly riding up as he leant forward.
"Just tell me" I said quietly.
He looked over to me and my belly flipped. What was it about the way he looked at me? I had thought about what Amanda had said but he didn't look at me in a special way, did he?
Taron frowned and it was then that I realised his chin wobbled and tears formed in his eyes.
"Heey" I whispered as I wrapped my arm around him and pulled him into a hug.
What had even gotten into me? We weren't that close.
Yet something had seemed to change since the ultrasound.
We pulled apart eventually and I already missed his body heat against mine.
He sniffled "Emma paid someone at the gynaecologist's to inseminate you instead of her"
It took a moment for me to register what he had said. His eyes were flickering between mine, waiting for my reaction.
Then I threw my hand to my mouth and hurried to the bathroom, throwing up again.
Why would his girlfriend pay someone to not get pregnant? It didn't make any sense to me.
I looked up as Taron appeared in the doorway.
"Please just go" I whined.
"I told you I'm here for you" he said, his voice full of determination as he brushed my hair out of my face and held it back.
I sat back on the bathroom floor. I felt better already.
Taron didn't though.
He looked so hurt and broken.
"Tell me what happened" I said quietly.
"Well –" he laughed ironically "Let's see. She took the pill even though we tried for children for years while I blamed myself. And she paid someone to inseminate anyone else but her"
I frowned and put my hand on his shoulder blade, moving it up and down, trying to soothe him.
How was he so muscular?
"Why would she do that?"
Taron's eyes met mine and suddenly I saw what Amanda had meant. His eyes were looking right through my body, as if he was looking into my soul.
I shivered.
"Are you cold?" he asked "Let me get you a blanket"
He came back with Josh's duvet and I had to smile at the irony.
"So?" I asked.
Taron sighed "She never wanted children. She just let me believe she did"
I frowned. "Who would do that?"
"Her apparently" he said quietly.
"Hey" I whispered "None of that is your fault"
He looked at me and all I wanted to do was kiss him.
What had even gotten into me?
"I blamed myself" Taron said slowly, not meeting my eyes this time "for not... getting her pregnant"
My heart jumped at his words.
For telling me such personal things and trusting me with it.
For thinking he wasn't... Oh I bet he was great in bed.
"Thank you for trusting me with this" I said quietly.
He met my eyes again and smiled, but the smile didn't reach his eyes.
"You had a right to know. You know, with being the victim in all this" his voice was low.
Victim? I didn't feel like one.
"No, Taron. That's not –"
He interrupted me "You can still have an abortion if that's what you want"
Did he think this would change everything?
It didn't. Not for me.
I glanced over to him and shivered. He seemed so truly hurt and sad. And abortion would be the last straw that would crush him.
I never ever wanted to get rid of that baby. I already loved it more than myself.
And that fact had nothing to do with Taron.
I shook my head "No. I'm keeping the baby"
Taron met my eyes and it was as if a weight had been pulled off his shoulders. It was as if he didn't allow himself to smile though.
My belly fluttered whenever he smiled and I missed it.
"Where's Josh?" he asked "If you don't mind me asking"
I looked down "He's at work"
"And he left you alone? Like that?" he looked down my body and my heart started racing.
I was just casually hanging around with my baby daddy, who I was attracted to.
In my PJ's, hugging the loo, smelling of puke.
And what was I supposed to say? Yeah, he was at work, instead of being there for his fiancée. He chose work over me and it wasn't the first time. Even though it would be no big deal if he started work late.
I shrugged "Yeah. I'm fine on my own"
He wrapped one arm around me and held me. It felt too good to be true. I closed my eyes.
"Nobody should be alone in that situation. And I'm here for you" he said quietly, brushing my hair out of the way.
My body was in sensory overload. Was this about Taron? Or just because a part of him grew inside of me?