Dionne was still clinging to me as we rode the yacht. Ayaw niyang pumayag na iwan ako kaya isinama ko siya sa paghahanap kay Orion. I needed to talk to him.
Unfortunately, there was no Orion in sight. Sunod kong hinanap si Kuya Hadeon. He was sitting alone at the side, preoccupied with his phone.
"Kuya," I called. His head raised to my voice.
"Hi, Tito!" masiglang bati ni Dionne.
A big smile plastered on Kuya Hadeon's face. He reached for Dionne and placed her on his lap. He pressed a kiss on his cheek.
"Kuya, where's Orion?"
"Hindi sumabay," he answered and pressed a kiss on Dionne's cheek. He curiously raised a brow. "Why?"
My shoulders slumped in disappointment. I bit my lip. "I just need to talk to him."
My brother chuckled. "Goodluck to that." Kumunot ang noo ko. Umiling siya at matapos ay sumeryoso ang mukha. "Are you and Ali back together?"
I could feel my face heating by the second. "N-No, Kuya."
"You plan on getting back together with him?"
Hindi ako nakasagot at nag-iwas ng tingin.
"Do you think it's smart? With your past and all? All wounds can heal overtime but no matter how faint, there will always be a mark. It might not hurt physically anymore, but memories can hurt, too," Kuya Hadeon said. My chest tightened painfully at his words.
"If you choose to be together again, you'd be constantly reminded of the past. Won't it be better for the two of you to just get a fresh start?"
Napakagat ako sa labi ko. Tears built in my eyes. I tried my best to stop it from it falling.
"I love you and I just want you happy, Hyon. Maybe it's time to give your chance to be happy with someone else," he ended his speech.
A single tear rolled down my cheek. Agad ko 'yon pinunasan.
Dionne let out a small gasp. "Tita Hyon!" Kumawala siya mula kay Kuya at lumapit sa akin para yumakap sa binti ko. "Did Tito Hadeon make you cry? I will tell Daddy so he can tell Tito Ali!"
Iyak tawang niyakap ko si Dionne. "I'm okay."
"We're not bati, Tito!" she angrily said with her cute frown.
"What? Hindi ko naman siya inaway," natatawang angal ni Kuya Hadeon.
She ignored him and grabbed my hand, pulling me with her. "Let's go, Tita."
Dionne's cuteness wrapped on my sadness like a blanket. She brought me to her parents. Nagsumbong sa ginawa ng kanyang Tito. Pati ang ilang mga sinabi ni Kuya ay sinabi niya rin. Nagawa niyang tandaan 'yon.
"First of all, don't listen to your brother. He's an idiot," Kuya Xavi smugly said.
"X!" Tinampal ni Ate Lavie si Kuya sa tyan. Nakatawang sinalo ni Kuya Xavi ang kamay ni Ate.
"Ang ibig sabihin ng Kuya mo, 'wag kang makinig kay Hadeon o kahit sino." Ate Lavie glared at Kuya Xavi before looking at me again. "Do what will make you happy. It's your life. Alright, Hyon?"
Hindi na ako sumagot. Hindi na rin nila sinundan pa 'yon. They went back to their bubble while I just played a gaming app with Dionne hanggang sa nakatulog na ito at kinuha ni Kuya Xavi sa akin.
After the boat ride, van naman ang sinakyan namin pauwi. Another nearly three hours ride. Itinulog ko ang byahe na 'yon.
It was past lunch time when we reached Manila. Instead of heading to our own houses, we went to Mosaic Latin for lunch.
"You okay?" a voice beside me asked. I turned my head and saw Dashiel.
I didn't realize that he was sitting beside me. I didn't know it was possible to be trapped in your own mind without even having thoughts until this moment.
Ngumiti ako. "Nand'yan ka pala."
Tinitigan niya ako nang matagal. His eyes scanned my face for any disparity. He frowned a little and lifted the menu. "What's your order?"
Inangat ko ang menu na nasa harapan at nag-umpisang pumili kagaya niya. Hindi na niya ako kinausap pagkatapos.
Pagkatapos ng lunch ay tumayo ako at lumapit sa aking parents para magpaalam para sa aking plano.
"Hindi ka ba pagod sa byahe? Magpahinga ka na muna, Hyon," malambing na sabi ni Mommy.
"I'll just be quick po, My," I promised.
"Kikitain mo ba si Alister? You can just tell him to go to the house," sabi ni Daddy.
Of course, my parents would think I'm seeing him. They saw us talking to each other for the very first time since we broke up. Siguro iniisip nila ay nagkabalikan na kami.
"Daddy, hindi po," nahihiyang sagot ko.
"Oh," Dad deadpanned. "Just be home before dinner."
Mabilis na nagpaalam ako sa lahat. Nag-taxi na lang ako dahil may mga naghihintay naman sa labas. It will take time if I book using Grab.
Nagpadaan muna ako sa isang flower shop bago tumuloy sa pupuntahan. The sun was out and biting my skin. I couldn't do anything about it 'cos my white dress was off shoulders and the sleeves only cover up to my elbows. I'm just thankful I have my round shaped sunglasses to shade me from the harsh light.
I felt the heavy weight settling over my shoulder. My chest was tightening by the second and it made it difficult for me to breathe. I bit my lip and slowly crouched and brought down the bundle of flowers that I bought.
"Hi, Atticus," I greeted softly. My heart squeezed tightly. "I miss you. Everyday."
I brushed away a few dried leaves from his grave marker. My lips quivered. "Napatawad mo na ba ako, Atti?"
I heard a heavy sigh from behind me. I had goosebumps all over my body. My body turned in reflex to see who the sound was from. I breathed in deeply when I saw Dashiel.
I remained in my crouching position. I craned my neck to look at him. "What are you doing here?"
"What are you doing here?" he returned the question.
I licked my lips and faced Atticus' grave again. Slowly, I traced the dates with my fingers. September 1, his birthdate and August 25, the date he died. It's his second death anniversary in less than a week.
"Do you miss him, Dash?" I asked in a tiny voice.
Hindi sumagot si Dashiel kaya muli ko siyang nilingon. Huminga siya nang malalim at humakbang palapit sa tabi ko. He comfortably sat down on the grass. His knees were slightly bent. Iniyakap niya ang mga kamay sa kanyang mga binti.
"Yes," he finally replied.
Natahimik ako. Ibinaba ko ang tingin sa pangalan ni Atticus. I circled my fists tightly as my eyes heated with tears.
"Do... Do you think he hates me now?" I croaked.
"No, Hyon. He loved you and I'm sure... that even in the afterlife, he still loves you," Dashiel murmured.
Hindi ako sumagot. Nanginig ang mga labi ko at umagos na ang mga luha sa aking pisngi.
"I can still remember the way he looks at you. He worshipped the ground you stepped on," he began. I looked at him. His eyes were in front, looking at nowhere. "Seeing it on the sideline was amusing. He'd fetch every ball that you'd throw."
Dashiel chuckled. "It's funnier 'cos you were so naive and he's helplessly stuck in the friendzone."
"Hindi ko naman alam," imik ko at pinunasan ang mga luha gamit ang isang kamay.
Sumulyap sa akin si Dashiel at marahan na tumango. "I know. You genuinely saw him as a friend." He brought his eyes back in front. "I've always known that you liked someone when we were in high school, but I didn't know that it was his older brother that you were pining for, until your debut."
"I didn't tell anyone that I liked Ali because it was embarrassing. I always thought he was out of my league, kaya sinarili ko na lang," I explained.
Dashiel didn't answer and long silence followed. My eyes dropped to the hem of my dress. I played with it and wiped my cheeks simultaneously. Hindi pa rin tumitigil ang pagtulo ng mga luha ko.
"Pumunta kami ni Ate Laurene nung araw ng libing. We waited until everyone was gone. We thought it was just us, pero biglang dumating si Tita Agatha. She said it was my fault that Atticus died; that I'm the one who killed him. Sabi niya, gulo lang ang dala ko at dapat ako na lang ang ang namatay."
Dashiel inhaled sharply. "Damn it, Hyon. That's not true."
Bumilis ang pagpatak ng mga luha ko. Pinikit ko ang mga mata at umiling. Nanatili akong walang imik.
"If we'd be pointing fingers, then it could be my fault 'cos I chose to not come with him. The boatman's also at fault for failing to save his life. It's also his parents' fault 'cos they allowed him to come to the beach. And since we're at it, it's Atticus' fault 'cos he chose to get on that boat," Dashiel dreadfully exclaimed. His expression was viscious. "No one wanted that to happen. It was a misfortunate and terrible accident and it's no one's fucking fault."
"Sinisi ko rin ang sarili ko nung umpisa. I was angry and guilty for a while, until I finally accepted the reality and let go."
I sniffed. I covered my mouth to silence the sobs that were coming out from it.
"You asked Atticus if he had forgiven you—how about asking yourself that?" Dashiel continued. "You need to forgive yourself, Hyon. Stop being a prisoner of the past and give yourself a chance for the future."
Hindi na nasundan pa ang sinabi ni Dashiel. Tanging mga hikbi ko lang ang nagsisilbing ingay sa gitna ng katahimikan.
I never saw it that way. For the past two years, all I ever wondered is if Atticus will ever forgive me. Now, Dashiel made me realize that I needed to forgive myself, too.
For not being kinder to myself. For choosing the easy way out instead of putting up a fight. For breaking my own heart 'cos I thought it was for the best. For making mistakes and being too scared to learn. For depriving myself of happiness. For abandoning myself and not loving myself more.
I removed my sunglasses and tilted my head back to look at the sky. My tears were still continuously rolling down my cheeks.
I'm letting you go, Atticus.
Pumikit ako. I stayed like that for a while until my tears slowly ran out. The heaviness in my chest unloaded and my shoulder feels light.
Maybe it's just in my head but I could feel my heart healing, one broken piece at a time.
I smiled.
♡ ♡ ♡
Dashiel treated me ice cream before driving me home. Sinigurado niya na kalmado na ako bago ako inayang umuwi. It was seven when we reached my house. I tried to invite him over for dinner but he said, may kailangan pa siyang puntahan.
I don't know why everything feels different now. I feel lighter and at peace that it's kinda scary. I was so used to carrying all of the weight in my chest that I feel like I floated somehow.
Is it because I finally talked to someone about everything that happened and heard everything that I needed to hear? Maybe.
For two years, I kept my emotions and thoughts bottled up 'cos I didn't wanna burden anyone. For the past two years, I always say I'm okay 'cos I didn't want them to worry. Now that I've let go of everything that I've being holding on to, I feel freer than I was yesterday.
Although there's still one thing that I need to do...
Mula sa gate pa lang ay nakita ko agad ang isang pamilyar na sasakyan. Sinakop agad ng kaba ang dibdib ko. I know that car very well. Kabisado ko pa rin ang plate number niya hanggang ngayon.
Huminga ako nang malalim. I thought releasing a deep breath will ease the anxiety. The air left me but the uneasiness didn't.
Instead of heading up to my room like the usual, dumiretso ako sa living room. No one was there though. Sunod akong pumunta ng dining area. Wala pa ring tao. I saw Gina, one of our house helps, who looked like she came from the roofed patio.
"Ay, Ma'am!" maligayang sabi ni Gina. She looked giddy and extremely excited. "Kanina pa po sa inyo naghihintay si Sir Alister. Nasa patio po sila, doon na raw po kayo magdi-dinner."
I caught my breath at the mention of his name. Alam ko naman na, but hearing it still makes it ten times real. I nervously licked my lips before making my way to the back of the house.
Nakita ko agad siya. He's not wearing the white shirts and shorts that I saw him in this morning. Now, he's all dressed up with his white long sleveed shirt that was folded to his elbows and black fitted slacks.
He was sitting beside Kuya Zeno. There's a vacant chair beside him. My parents were there and I didn't expect to see Kuya Xavi and his family since sa condo sila nakatira, but they're also here. Si Kuya Hadeon lang ang wala. Ate Laurene's not counted 'cos she's still in their honeymoon.
Sumulyap siya sa direksyon ko, the only way coming from the house. Startled, hs eyebrows raised.
"Hyon! You're here!" si Mommy ang unang bumati. Napatingin ang lahat sa akin dahil doon.
"Tita Hyon!" Dionne cheerfully sang.
"Good evening po," I meekly greeted before closing my distance to them. Una akong lumapit sa aking parents para humalik sa pisngi nila.
"Bakit ngayon ka lang? Kanina pa naghihintay si Alister!" pagalit ni Mommy nang humalik na ako sa kanya. Halos mabingi ako dahil nakatapat ang bibig niya sa tenga ko.
Hindi ako sumagot at napanguso lang. Daddy didn't comment anything.
"Oh, well. Go and sit beside him. Let's have our dinner," pagtuloy ni Mommy.
Huminga ako nang malalim. I paused for a few seconda before mustering the courage to approach him. Our eyes were locked as the space between us lessened.
Tumayo siya para salubungin ako. He licked his lips again and bit it. He only does that when he's antsy and something's bothering him.
Huminto ako sa paglakad at hindi na muna tumuloy sa paglapit sa upuan na katabi niya. I kept my eyes on him.
"Hi," he lowly murmured.
"What are you doing here?"
His eyes were warily searching my face. He swallowed hard and anxiously licked his lips again. Yumuko siya nang bahagya na parang may inaabot. Doon ko lang napansin ang isang magarbong bouquet ng bulaklak na nakalapag sa bakanteng upuan. Hindi ko nakita kanina.
Umayos siya ng tayo at inabot sa akin ang bouquet. "Here."
My face warmed. "H-Huh? Para saan 'yan?"
He grunted. "Baby... didn't I tell you?" He bit his lip until it curved into a boyish smile. "Nanliligaw ako."