I was exhausted. Mentally and physically. Everyone told you it got easier, but I don't think Zane Charlemagne had ever heard of that philosophy. To him, if it was getting easier than I wasn't pushing myself hard enough.
I didn't blame him for asking a lot of me though. And I never made an excuse why I couldn't. I had missed almost three days from flying back and forth between Michigan to handle the crisis. And now, a week later, my hands were peppered with paper cuts and there were indentions in my fingers from writing so many notes, but I wasn't going to stop. It was Wednesday night. I had two more days left in my internship. I wanted to make everything count. Even if that meant working as late as him and Ember.
Zane saw it as my need to make up for lost time. I wasn't about to tell him I was really only throwing myself back in my work so I wouldn't have to face the fact that I hadn't talked to Blake since I got back and most likely never would again. Working morning to night assured that I would never be checking my phone for the text or call that wouldn't come.
However. Skylar and Jake had finally talking me into coming home tonight. More specifically, over to their penthouse to join them for movie night. Though I knew immediately by their reluctance that my own date would not be present.
Oh, what a lonely movie night this would be.
Skylar embraced me when she opened the door. "I've missed you," she whispered.
I hugged her back, tightly. "Yeah," I said, "me too."
She ushered me into the penthouse.
I gave a little wave to Jake, who was draped lazily across the couch. He sprung to his feet when he saw me.
"Alexa," he exclaimed, "you actually came."
"I answered your texts, did I not?"
He pulled me into a hug as well. "Sure," he said, "for the first time in almost a week and a half."
"Oops?" I tried.
He chuckled and shook his head. "Not a nice way to thank someone who lent you their plane."
"It wasn't on purpose," I tried to assure him. "And I'm grateful. Seriously."
"You're here," he breathed. "And that's all that matters. For a while, Skylar and I were worried you had been lured to Michigan and Blake was killed trying to save you."
I knew it was a joke, but that didn't make it any easier to hear.
"Yeah," I said uneasily. "That definitely didn't happen."
Skylar grabbed myself arm, sensing my discomfort. "It's okay. We're all okay. Because you're back in one piece," she smiled. "And now, we can all watch a movie."
I allowed her to guide me to the couch, where she sat me down and covered me with blankets and pillows until only my head was showing.
"What movie are we watching?" I asked.
"You'll love it," she giggled. "It's a horror movie."
My stomach churned. "Because that's appetizing right now?"
Skylar was confused. "You told me once you loved horror."
I shook my head, terrified by the thought. "No."
Realization dawned on her face. "Oh," she said quietly. "Actually, that may have been Gracelyn."
Now that fit the description.
Jake laid a hand on my wrist and looked at me with doe-like eyes. "What's wrong?" He asked.
Crap. He was seeing right through me.
I ripped my hand away. "Nothing's wrong."
"You look like you've seen a ghost."
"Maybe I have. Maybe that's why the thought of a horror movie is more terrifying than the movie itself."
Jake shook his head. "No. Something happened, Alexa. You're so much more alive than this, so much happier to be around people. But now, you're pulling away."
I stared down at the blankets, unable to meet their questioning eyes. I had no desire to talk about this. This wasn't what I wanted. For my last couple days of my internship, the point was to distract myself from the devastation, not confront it head on.
But I understood why they pressed me. I would do the same in their shoes. I knew I was troubled. I was knocking on death's door. And I certainly wasn't enjoying my time like I should be. So maybe, after months, they deserved even a fraction of the answers Blake and I had both denied them.
"Blake didn't follow you," Jake realized after staring at me for a long time. "This is about your past. The one that both of you were so scared of in the beginning."
I meekly nodded. "It involves both of us. And while it was frightening in the moment, the only good thing that came out of last week was that it's all over now."
"It may be truly in the past now, but where does that leave you?"
My shoulders sagged. "I don't know. I haven't talked to Blake since that night. When we had dinner, and we had an argument, and he stormed out."
Skylar furrowed her eyebrows. "You two were doing so well," she said. "Was it really that bad?"
"Yes."
"Oh. Please, will you tell us?"
I shook my head. "I'm sorry," and I genuinely meant it, "it's too personal."
Skylar was unhappy by my reluctance to share things with her, but deep within jake, I could see that he understood. He may have known that Blake had a past, and it was this past that made him who he was. And if it was true, and it was that was cruel, then it was best left alone.
Though I wanted to leave the topic alone as well, now that everything was resurfacing, I couldn't help the burning desire from reaching my tongue. "Has he mentioned anything?" I asked suddenly. "Anything about it? About me?"
I think he could see the raw need in me. Which is why he hesitated. Because we both knew the answer, and it would hurt.
After choosing his words carefully, Jake replied, "He hasn't had the chance. Ever since his return, Blake's taken every company travel opportunity and has been traveling nonstop. I think the last time I saw him was the same for you—our dinner night."
I had been bracing myself for the truth. But it still didn't ease the sting.
"Oh," was all I could say.
Jake watched me carefully. "I'm sorry, Alexa."
I sniffed. "Why? It's not your fault. Besides, I'm sure he'll be back soon enough."
"That's what I'm sorry for," Jake mumbled. "Blake left this morning for Spain. It's a two week assignment."
If the first news was a dagger, the second surprise was the twist into my heart.
Because not only did that mean it would be longer until I saw Blake, it actually meant I wouldn't see him at all. I am supposed to leave Friday night. He wasn't just missing my flight by a day, he was ensuring there was no possibility of coming home early and having to make it work.
Deep, deep down, in the dark parts of me, I wasn't sure if I blamed him for his decision. Wether it was truly the events of Michigan that pushed him away, or it was because he never reconciled with me in the first place, it didn't make sense for him to be there for me at the airport. Not a second time.
That still didn't ease the pain that came with the acceptance that he never cared about me. Not enough to forgive me. Not enough to want me to stay.
I tried to shrink further into the blankets, depressed by the news.
Of course this didn't sit well with Skylar. She had meant for me to come over so she could cheer me up, not bring me down further.
She wriggled out of Jake's arms and over to my side of the couch where she pulled me close and engulfed my sadness. "Don't worry," she whispered. "This internship wasn't a waste. Because without it, we wouldn't have been neighbors, and you, Jake, and I wouldn't have become best friends."
"I know," I smiled weakly. "And you're right. Which is why I will never regret any of this. Because if led to more than Blake being my boyfriend again. It led to something better. It led to you being my friend."
"Good. Because we don't. In fact, we'll fly you out all the time to visit. You can come watch my shoots and then we'll all go out to get dinner. It'll be like an expensive lunch break," she said determinedly.
I shook my head. "That sounds amazing. Really, it does," I assured her. "But I don't think I can do that. It'll be too painful to come here knowing Blake will want nothing to do with me."
"Hey," Jake objected from the other side of the couch. "That's not true. Just because things are a little rough now doesn't mean that everything you did was for nothing."
I scoffed. "Why do you say that?"
"Because I saw a real change in Blake," Jake frowned. "I saw this man leave with his foot tapping holes to China into the ground, and he came back with a smirk even the Grinch couldn't coax off his face."
I sighed. "Came back from where?"
"Your weekend away."
I swallowed, desperate to keep my cheeks from flaring at the memories. "Oh. That."
He nodded. "Exactly. You really think it's that easy to change Blake Baron? As his first choice if he ever turns gay, I'll tell you honestly, it's not."
I shook my head. "If only it was enough."
Skylar suddenly jumped to her feet, as if the couch had been lit on fire. She grabbed me too, and to my surprise yanked me out of my pitiful pile of fabric. I gaped at her.
"I won't stand you talking like that."
"I'm not trying to cause a scene," I protested. "We can watch horror if that's what you want that bad."
"While you have a pity party of one? I don't think so."
"You have to admit it's pretty convenient when it's only one person."
She shook her head. "Alexa and I are going to the other room to talk," she declared.
Jake's mouth dropped in objection of being disinvited. "But, babe, it's Scary Movie! You're really going to miss it?"
She shot him a nasty glare. "It's most definitely not a priority."
And to my horror, she firmly dragged me out of the room and to her own. Don't get me wrong, I was appreciative of her desire to help me, but I also didn't want to be helped. Because helping meant talking. And talking meant acknowledging the genuine pain of everything that had happened so quickly over the short period of a couple of days. And I wanted to do anything but that.
Skylar never cared about the pain though. She cared about the impact of the end result once you fight through it. Which is probably why she was such an incredible person and friend, even though it still sucked.
"Look," she said, and she sat me down on her bed. "I know you were holding back because of Jake."
"That's not true," I argued.
She rolled her eyes. "Wether I like it or not, you two are somewhat of ex's. It's weird. You're holding back. But if I'm going to give you the truth you need right now, good or bad, I'm going to need some honesty from you in return."
"I am being honest. I'm just omitting certain parts."
"Alexa," she groaned. "Let me be concerned. Let me be concerned for you. Just tell me what happened."
Give it up. You won't get a single bite of your cheesecake-for-one at home if you don't.
I sighed, deciding that I could give her a brief overview without going into any details that Blake could get mad at me for later on. "Okay," I muttered. "Back when Blake and I were in high school, we became involved in this terrifying incident. It's magnitude drove me away from Michigan, and ultimately away from Blake, because I didn't want to accept the responsibilities that came with damage control."
She pursed her lips. "That's what you were cleaning up last week?"
I nodded. "It was hard to revisit, but it's over now."
"Good," she agreed. "But that's not the bigger issue here. I meant what happened in the Hampton's?"
I wish I had learned from my actual police investigation—stick to the minimum. I could never keep it simple. Even though simple was what could end my misery quicker.
Finally, I couldn't stifle the blush that crept on my cheeks as I thought about the night. The food, the honesty, the passion. Blake's words still echoed quietly in my ears on the loneliest of nights. There was no hiding the happiness that filled me whenever I thought of that weekend.
Skylar grinned as she took my blush as my response. "That. That right there," she said. "That's special."
"It's silly," I denied.
She scoffed. "It's an inevitable reaction. As inevitable as the sun rising in the morning."
"This isn't some kind of destiny, Sky."
"No. It's better. It's love."
I was dumbfounded at the word. At its foreign sound. "That would be very naive of me to assume."
"Love is the only way to describe what you've been through together."
I struggled to respond. I just knew that it would be foolish to let myself believe that such a good thing was true. I had to be honest myself because apparently nobody else would be.
I shook my head. "How can you even say that?" I questioned, my voice cracking slightly. "If he loved me, he would be here. Right here and now. If he loved me, he would drive me to the airport. He'd walk me inside. And if he loved me, he'd beg me to stay. Just like he did years ago, when I blindly, stupidly, took his love and his promises and threw them away, ensuring that he would never trust me with his heart again."
She stared at me with her widest, most ambitious eyes. "If you loved him, you wouldn't give up on him. You'd still be thinking about him, years after you thought it was all over. If you loved him, you'd fight for him. It'd be the thing that consumes you and everything you do and will ever do until he's yours again."
I buried my hands in my face, trying to keep the tears from coming. Her words hurt. Not because they were mean. But because she was right.
"Skylar I can't," I choked. "He's gone. He left so he can't come back. And I have no say in the matter."
"Maybe Jake and I could persuade him—"
"Honestly, I was just lucky to get the chance to fight for him again, even though all it's done is leave me more hurt than I was before," I said. "So right now, I can't afford to think about such empty dreams like love. I just have to accept that I may never find forgiveness with him."
Her chest visually deflated with my words.
I held her hand. "It's been fun," I whispered. "Really."
She hugged me fiercely. "It has. I'm sorry. I think I'm just trying to find any excuse for you to stay."
"I appreciate you always believing in me," I told her. "Please, I hope you never stop."
"You're capable of so much. I think that's why it's so hard for me for you to leave."
We were both tearing up. "I love you, Sky."
"I love you, Lex."