Ivan's POV:
How do you save somebody that doesn't want to be saved?
I love Grey. I love her so much. I loved her before she was even born, and I've loved her every moment since then. Why does she have to be sick? Why does she have to die? She doesn't deserve any of this! If anyone deserves to live, it's her.
And she can't see herself that way.
I know Grey well enough to understand that I can't change her mind. She's stubborn, and she's made her decision. Throwing the vial of medicine against the tree proved that to me. And while I want to do anything I can to save her, I know I can't, because she'll never let me.
But what's the alternative? Watching her die?
Do I have any other choice?
I've thought of every alternative. Begging the sponsors for more medicine and forcing it down her throat. Giving her the ultimate guilt-trip until she changes her mind, where I will tell her how empty my life would be without her, how she would be leaving me alone in this world, how I've only ever lived for her, and dying would take my life away, too.
Grey hasn't been the same since Kyla's death. Looking back, I can see that Grey had some strange behaviors. I should've picked up on what she was planning. But now that Kyla's gone, now that Grey's feeling guilty, she's striving for her death. She's truly suicidal, as opposed to just sacrificial.
"We should stay here, make it our home-base," Ni said after the slow, silent walk back to the willow tree. No one had said a word since Grey threw a vial.
"It won't be easy," Chris said. "It's a big area, which means we have a lot to guard."
"And it's really exposed. It makes it easy for anyone to attack that wishes to. It would require a lot of dedication and a lot of defense," Grey replied, speaking for the first time.
I fixated my focus on her. It's as if she's aged ten years in the time we've been here. Her eyes are sunken in and her cheek bones are too defined. Her skin is pale. Her eyes don't shine the way they used to, and her hair appears to be thinning. I can't tell if it's a result of her sickness or the emotional toll. Maybe both. And there's nothing I can do to help.
"But it's comfortable. It's warm. There's a water source at our fingertips. And as long as we stick together, I'm confident that we can get through this unscathed."
Grey snorted and crossed her arms. "Unscathed? Really? Sure, maybe you guys could defend until it's just the three of you. But then what? Someone has to win."
I flinched on the word three. She's speaking as if she's already dead.
"How about we worry about that when we get there?" Ni replied, his temper rising.
"I'm not suggesting that you kill each other," Grey spoke softly this time, less abrasive. "I'm just being a realist."
Ni sighed. "How about you go by the tree and get some rest? You've had a long day."
Grey bit her lip and nodded, making her way over to the willow tree.
For a moment, I considered following her. Then I decided against it. What could I even say to her? Beg her to stop, to reconsider? It wouldn't matter. She won't listen to me.
"I'm hungry," Ni stated frankly. "I'm going to go search for food."
"I'll go with you," Chris replied, reaching into her holster and grabbing a knife.
"No, that's okay. I'll go alone."
Chris frowned. "You're not going alone. What if you get hurt? No one should be left alone. If I go with you, then Ivan can stay here with Grey. It works out perfectly."
"Chris," Ni placed a hand on her shoulder and looked her in the eyes. "I think you should stay here with Ivan." His eyes flashed to me, then back to her. A look of understanding registered on Chris's face. She nodded, and Ni took his hand off her shoulder, running into the woods with a knife in hand.
"So I look as good as I feel, huh?" I asked. If Ni was that insistent on Chris staying with me, then it must be bad.
"To the naked eye, you look fantastic. But from the perspective of a person that knows you, that knows what's going on with your sister, the sadness is clear," Chris replied as she approached me. "There has to be something we can do to change her mind."
I shook my head. "Grey doesn't just change her mind. There's no use."
With no warning, Chris wrapped her arms around me. I felt the tension melt off of my body, just with her touch. I wrapped my arms around her, too, resting my chin on her shoulder. She nuzzled her face into the nape of my neck. I could feel her heart beating against my own. She was warm, comfortable, soft.
I had to bite my lip to stop myself from confessing my love.
"Go talk to your sister," Chris whispered, "While you still can."
I reluctantly unwrapped myself from Chris's arms, letting my fingertips run over her skin as I did so. Then I made my way over to Grey, who leaned her back up against the willow tree. Her eyes were closed, but I could tell that she wasn't sleeping.
"How long are you going to stare at me like that?" Grey asked, without opening her eyes.
"For as long as I please," I replied, sitting beside her.
She opened her eyes and turned to me. She smiled warmly, as if nothing was wrong. Her eyes betrayed no fear, no pain. She looked completely content. I said nothing and she said nothing. We simply stared at one another, with so many things to say, but none of them being said. I was okay with the silence; as long as I'm with her right now, I don't care if we speak.
But after a while, Grey broke the silence.
"You know I love you, right?"
"Yeah," I muttered, breaking our eye contact to look at the ground .
"Do you think I'm being selfish?"
I brought my eyes back to Grey's. I hesitated before answering, because I don't want to spark an argument. However, the words tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them.
"Yes, I do think you're being selfish. You're being reckless and insane and stupid and hurtful. But most of all, you're being selfish."
Whatever mask Grey had put up, it melted away in that moment. She clenched her jaw and blinked multiple times, rapidly. The blinking didn't stop the tears from coming. She took a deep, shuttering breath, and then spoke.
"I've told you my logical already. It's not fair of me to win and live a life that I can't live fully. I don't want to win, and if I'm going to die, I'm going to do it on my own terms."
"But what about me, Grey?" My voice was getting louder. "What about your brother? I've spent almost my entire life protecting you! I've spent so much time trying to save you! And you're throwing all of that away! You're leaving me! How is that supposed to make me feel? You're my little sister, and I love you more than anything in this world, and you're leaving me!" Now I was crying too, pain grasping my heart so hard that it made it hard to breathe.
Grey looked away. "Kyla died for me."
"Isn't that just another reason to live? So that Kyla didn't die for nothing?"
"I thought about that already, Ivan. But I can't live with her life on my hands. I can't live with the idea of the people I've killed."
"You didn't kill Kyla. She sacrificed herself for you. Willingly."
"What about those other two tributes?" Grey looked at me, and the pain I saw on her face was nothing like I had ever seen before. I've spent sleepless nights by Grey's side as she deteriorated. I've seen the illness take her so deep that she couldn't move her arms. I've seen Grey in pain too many times. But this... I have never seen her like this.
"Grey..." I reached forward and put my hand on her shoulder. "This is the Hunger Games. You did what you had to do to survive. It's what people have done for the past 100 Hunger Games. Don't blaim yourself."
"They had parents," Grey whispered. "Friends. Siblings. And I snatched their lives away like they were worth less than mine."
I didn't know what to say. So instead of speaking, I pulled her closer to me. Grey rested her head on on my shoulder and I wrapped my arms around her. I felt teardrops fall onto my wet suit, as surely as she could feel my teardrops in her hair.
I don't know how long we sat like that. Hours, probably. Eventually, she fell asleep, and her head started to slip from my shoulder. I shifted my body and gently set her head down on the grass. Her eyes were swollen from tears, which was obvious even when they were closed. I moved a strand of hair out of her face, and as my fingertips brushed over her skin, I noticed that it was hotter than it should be. I swallowed hard, trying to choke back the new flood of tears that threatened to spill over. The more I observed her, the more I noticed that was wrong. Her skin was pale. There were bruises on her arms. Beads of sweat collected on her upper lip.
I looked around the large clearing and spotted Chris, walking the perimeter of the clearing with a knife in her hand. Her head was turned away from me, looking out into the woods, guarding like a mother guards her cubs. She's fine guarding without me for a little while longer. I laid down beside Grey, letting my arm touch hers just slightly. Then I drifted off to sleep, knowing that I may not be able to sleep again for days.
***
"Hey, Ivan, get up. I come bearing gifts."
I opened my eyes to see Ni, a fish in his hand.
I sat up and rubbed my eyes. I glanced over to Grey, who was still sound asleep. I tried to ignore the fact that she looked worse than she did when I had gone to sleep.
"Where did you get fish?" I asked after I reached full consciousness.
"In the lake," Ni replied, gesturing to the body of water by the willow tree. "I'm pretty sure that I've seen the entire arena by now. No life to be seen. Well, except for a tribute from District 10. But," Ni swallowed hard. "She's not exactly alive anymore."
"Oh," I paused. "I slept through the cannon."
Ni held the fish out. "Eat this. I'm going to try to catch one more for Grey. When you're done, go help Chris guard the clearing. Any tributes who've discovered this place are going to come back real soon, once they realize this is the only place with food and water."
I nodded and took the fish from Ni. I watched as he jogged back to the lake. While I ate the fish, I started to wonder if this is the safest place for us to stay. Sure, it's comfortable. But is that comfort worth the risk? We could carry some food and water with us to last a little while, and we wouldn't be under the threat of the other tributes. Then, if the situation became dire, we could make our way back here for more food and water. If we lasted long enough.
By the time I finished eating the fish, Ni was walking back toward me, bearing another one. A smile spread all the way across his face- one bigger than I had seen since I met him.
"I'm getting good at this," Ni replied. "You would think I'm from District 4 with the rate I'm going at."
I chuckled.
"Wake your sister. She should eat something."
I nodded and gently put a hand on Grey's shoulder. After a few moments, she moaned, and her eyes fluttered open. When we made eye contact, she smiled insincerely, gritting through the pain she was under. But at least it was a smile.
"Ni caught you a fish."
Grey wrinkled her nose. "I don't like fish. We had it that one Christmas when we were little as a treat, remember? I was throwing up for hours."
"I have a feeling that the throwing up was unrelated," I replied. "And you're not in a very good position to be picky. Sit up. Eat."
Grey sighed and sat up, grabbing the fish from Ni. I watched her for a few moments, ensuring that she was actually going to eat it, then I stood up and walked to the edge of the clearing with Ni. He handed me a sickle that was inside of his pack, and we split up, walking around the perimeter of the clearing.
Chris was also circling the clearing. Each time we passed each other, we gave each other a simple smile. After 3 or 4 rotations though, I put my hand on her arm and stopped her.
"Hey," I said in a low, whispered voice.
"Hey," Chris replied with a smile.
"Your brother's quite the fishermen, huh?"
Chris laughed. "Yeah, I guess so. Who would've thought? We're lucky to have him around. Can you imagine where we would be without him?"
"We may have never found this clearing. And if we hadn't, we would have no water and no food source." I looked up to the sky. It's late. The sun will be setting soon. "We're about to hit our second night. Which means that, without him, we would be dead within the next 24 hours."
"Yeah," Chris replied. "Where is he, anyway?"
I glanced around. Ni wasn't in my immediate vision, but the willow tree is so big that I can't see the entire clearing. I shrugged. "He's probably on the other side of the tree, circling."
Chris nodded.
"How are you?" I asked.
Chris raised her eyebrows. "Me? I'm fine. How are you?"
"In general or in this very moment?"
"Both."
"Well in this very moment," I swallowed hard, forcing myself to look into her eyes, "I'm fantastic."
Chris smiled at me, and I smiled back. Just her smile has a way of pulling me out of reality, out of the horrors of our situation. She makes me happy, regardless of what's happening around us. It's like she's cast a spell over me, where the rest of the world goes black and she's the only light.
"You know, when my dad was in the Hunger Games, this is what he fought with," Chris said, gesturing to the sickle in my hand. "My mom called him Sickle, and he called her Knives. They kept doing it even after they were out of the games. Until her very last day."
"That's cute," I replied. "It's a little weird that they used their weapons of choice from the games as little nicknames, but it's cute."
Chris laughed. "Well, as awful as the Hunger Games are, there's weren't so bad. If you think about, it was the best thing that ever happened to them. They found each other in the games. They fell in love. And Mom gave birth to me in the Games, and I'm pretty sure she loved me." Chris smiled to herself. "As a result of those Games, they had two children and they made a life. That kinda makes up for the scars they gathered along the way."
I rubbed my hand along her arm in a comforting gesture.
Then came the agonizing scream, so loud that it echoed across the entire clearing. The world came back into focus. I remembered where I was. Chris reacted before me, running down the hill to get to the other side of the clearing. I quickly followed behind, my heart thudding in my chest. My thoughts came at high speed.
Something's wrong with Grey.
I have to get to Grey.
No, that wasn't Grey.
The voice was too low.
Ni.
Something's happened to Ni.
There he is.
He's on the ground.
There's blood.
There's a lot of blood.
Chris skidded to a stop beside him. Words came flying out of her mouth that I was too far away to hear. Ni groaned in response, and somehow Chris understood him. I reached them just as Chris said, "We have to find her!" Then she took off into the cold forest. I followed her without hesitation, weaving between the black trees and jumping over logs.
For a moment, I wondered if I should turn around. Ni's hurt. I didn't stop long enough to see in what way. I just know that he's in pain and that there's blood. Someone needs to help him. I stopped running and turned my head, back in the direction of the clearing. Then I remembered Chris. I don't want her to have to fight alone. Ni will have to wait.
When I started running again, it became clear to me that Chris had found Ni's attacker. I could hear grunts of effort up ahead. I sped up my pace and found Chris battling some girl. I recognized her, but didn't know her district. Her back was turned to me. I took a few long strides and sliced across the tribute's back. She yelled out in pain. In her moment of disorientation, I wrapped my arms around her, pinning her arms to her sides. I felt warm blood from the tribute seeping onto my stomach. Chris took her knife and thrust it into the tribute's abdomen. Barely a second passed before the tribute went limp.
I unraveled my arms, letting the body drop the ground. A cannon went off. Chris and I made eye contact. We were both huffing from the exertion. In between my heaving breaths, I said, "Ni." Chris nodded and we started running again. I ignored the burning in my lungs and focused on the task at hand.
Ni can't die.
Chris needs him to be her brother.
Grey needs him to be a caretaker.
I need him to be my friend.
When Grey's gone, I'll be in short supply.
When we broke through the clearing again, Grey was kneeling over Ni. She had her hands on either side of her face and was speaking to him. Her face was so close to his that Ni had no choice but to look into her eyes. Pride swelled up in my throat as I approached them - my sister is the greatest person I've ever come across.
"It's not terrible," Chris said to me once I got to Ni's side. The cut started at the crook of his right arm and reached across his chest, right above his right collarbone.
"It hurts," Ni said through gritted teeth.
"I know, I know..." Grey cooed softly to him. Then she glanced over at me. "We need to wrap it up."
"With what?" I asked.
"I... I don't know." Grey stammered.
I looked down at my suit. It won't work very well, but it's the best we've got. I ripped off a sleeve of the suit and had Ni sit up. The cut's in strange place, so I was forced to wrap the cloth around his body. It would work for now.
"Now would be a great time for the sponsors to be generous," Ni suggested, his voice still thick with pain.
We all looked up the sky, hoping for a parachute to fall. Within 60 seconds, it was clear that nothing would be coming.
"Luke Corwin controls these games," Grey whispered. "Do you really think he's going to let sponsor gifts get through to us? We're on our own."
The grim truth of Grey's words settled over us like fog. Chris grabbed Ni's hand. Grey stared at the ground. I watched them, noting the pain in Ni's eyes, the sickness spreading within Grey's body, the sadness displayed on Chris's face.
Grey's right. We're on our own.
***
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