Alyssa
I hated Christmas, I always have. Ever since I was a little kid, which is weird to be honest. Most people love the holiday because they get to spend the time with their families, eating good food and sharing gifts. I didn't though, I remember the exact year that I lost the slight bit of hope that Christmas was somewhat good.
I was 11. My parents were fighting a lot, arguing over who was coming to our house for the holidays. They made it a nightmare for us. Liam was barely even aware of the occasion himself but he even felt the tension at the age of 3. He spent the whole week running up to Christmas crying. Rachel barely spoke to anyone either. It was like the whole family was ripped apart in the single week. When the day finally came though, my parents pretended like nothing had even happened, that's when I first saw how fake they were. How unhappy they truly were.
The conversation of what I was doing for Christmas this year was something I continued to avoid, no matter how many times it was brought up. I didn't want to celebrate this year, it was pointless. I hated it. That was until my mother called me and demanded that I come home this year, she gave me the biggest bullshit excuse that last year just didn't feel right because I didn't come home.
So now I'm stuck, in Brighton on the worst holiday of the year with my family that I pretty much hate at this point. Except my siblings of course. The sad thing is though, my aunts and uncles were just as fucking fake as my parents, so every single adult I was stuck with talked about their lives in such a way that made me feel sick.
I think if I never met the guys, specifically Matty then I wouldn't have really come to this full realisation. They were far from the perfect family that they tried so fucking hard to pretend they were. It was hard to go back though, after the surprise visit last month. My dad barely looked at me, the only thing he said in the first 3 hours of my arrival was, 'You still with that musician?'
Alas though, I was lying on my bed in my childhood room thinking about all the worst memories it held. It was like being back in hell, something I'd hoped so badly I'd finally escaped. My phone buzzed beside me, breaking me out of my thoughts. Matty's name flashed across the screen making me smile. At least I had him, maybe he was 300 miles away but I still felt closer to him than anyone else.
"Hey." I said softly as I pressed answer.
"Hello love, how's your Christmas Eve going?" He sounded drunk, which didn't shock me.
"Well I've only been here for about half a day and I already want to drown myself in the sea." I sighed. "What about you?"
"I'm sorry you're stuck there." His tone was sympathetic. "Mines has been alright, mum keeps feeding me wine and way too many snacks." He chuckled.
"Sounds like a dream." I smiled even though he couldn't see it.
"I wish you were here." He said softly, it made my heart sink. He did ask me if I wanted to go to Manchester and I really wanted to but I also didn't want to cause anymore friction between my family and I.
"I honestly wish I was there too." I sighed.
"I'm going to give you the biggest kiss when I see you, you know that." His drunken voice told me, I chuckled in response.
"Well I'd hope so." I replied. There was some rustling on the other end.
"Mum, I'm on the phone to Alyssa, give me a minute." Matty's voice sounded distant for a second. "Sorry, mum says hi."
"Tell Denise I said hi back and Merry Christmas." I laughed.
"This is also a bit of a nightmare, she's just running around panicking about Christmas tomorrow." I could feel him rolling his eyes over the phone, it was kinda cute.
"Well it's a big day for some people, I'm sure it'll all be fine." I said in a reassuring tone.
"I know, I know." He sighed. "I'm gonna have to go, Louis has been bugging me to play games with him so I best go and do that before he has a fucking fit or something."
"Send my love to the rest of the clan." I told him.
"I will do, I love you." He sounded so happy saying it.
"I love you too, speak later." I smiled, we both hung up and I put my phone down. How did I somehow meet someone that made me feel like I was on another planet yet I'm stuck here on Christmas with a family from hell? It wasn't fair.
I got up off my bed and decided to go downstairs to see if Liam and Rachel were about but I was met with only my dad sat in the living room, drinking whisky and watching some cheesy Christmas movie. I had no choice but to sit down on the couch with him and just watch it otherwise it would be a bit awkward for me to run back up the stairs.
It was an uncomfortable silence, something I didn't want to deal with. "How's work been?" I decided to ask him.
"The usual, boring and unfulfilling." He said in a monotone voice.
"That's a shame." I replied.
"What about you? How is work going for you?" He glanced over at me, I just shrugged.
"It's work, I've been helping the guys promote their new album mostly." I said.
"Is this what you want to do with your life Alyssa? Chasing around some band for a living?" The way he said it struck a nerve in me. Who the fuck does he think he is? I'm making a good wage doing something that makes me happy.
"I'm happy with it, make good money and doing work that makes a difference." I shot back.
"How exactly does that make a difference to the world?" He made a disgusted face at me.
"Their music helps a lot of people, it touches people in a way that gives them hope in their lives." I said. "I don't expect you to understand but I've seen it with my own eyes, music is a safe place for a lot of people and if I get to help create that for some people then it's a job that barely even feels like work."
"I just think you should be putting your degree to better use, bands like that are just silly little rockstars that drink and do drugs all the time, it's not a good environment for you." He said again in his boring monotone voice.
"I'm happy dad, the happiest I've ever been with my life choices." I said firmly, getting pissed off with his bullshit.
"I just feel like it's a bit of a joke that I paid for you to go to uni and this is the life path you've chosen, that boyfriend of yours is nothing but trouble." He shrugged. I squinted my eyes at him.
"You know nothing about him." I spat back.
"I've read a lot about him online Alyssa, he's a bad influence to be around." I couldn't hold it back anymore, I was sick of it. I've only been here a few hours and if this is what it's going to consist of, I was done.
I got up off the couch and went into the kitchen, looking for some form of alcohol. I needed something to calm me down from the rage that was building within me. Why does he always have to do this? I was living my own life, an adult now and he still tries to corner me in and talk to me like a child.
I grabbed a bottle of wine and walked up the stairs, drowning out the conversation I was just subjected to.
-
The empty bottle of wine sat on my bedside table, staring at me. I consumed it all a lot quicker than I probably should have but it was needed. A knock at my door brought me out of the train of thought I was in. "Come in." I mumbled.
Rachel walked in and smiled at me. "You alright?" She asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I lied. She walked in and sat on the edge of the bed.
"I thought I'd pop round tonight, see how things were going but dad's in a foul mood. He said you two had a bit of a disagreement." She said.
"Well he's a prick so what do you expect?" I said bitterly.
"He means well Alyssa." She defended him, I rolled my eyes. She was so blinded by the facade that he'd put up for this family for too fucking long.
"Does he fuck." I shot back, the anger was building within me. "He's a dick, always has been and sits there all high and mighty. If only you fucking knew the shit he's done Rachel." I regretted the wine as soon as I said that, knowing it was about to open a can of worms I couldn't hold back.
"What do you mean?" She asked, confused.
"This family is a lie, everything is a fucking joke. He cheated on mum." I spat. Her eyes widened in shock.
"What?" I felt myself get more and more angry as the seconds passed.
"Yeah, you didn't know that one. I was 16 when I fucking found him shagging someone in this house. So your perfectly little family vision has been going strong meanwhile I have held onto this secret for the past 8 years." I shrugged. It felt nice to be able to say it out loud. I had held this burden for too long, it wasn't fair anymore.
"You're lying." She shook her head.
"You think I'm lying?" I laughed angrily, she just looked at me like I was a fucking idiot. "Okay, I'm lying." I said smugly.
"Then I'll ask him." She stated. My stomach dropped, no she couldn't let him know I told her. She jumped to her feet and rushed out of the room, I scrambled to my feet and ran after her.
"Rachel, don't." I said sternly but she didn't stop. She ran for the stairs and I followed, with every step it felt like my heart was beating faster.
"Dad!" She called out as she got to the living room, fuck.
"What's all this running about?" He asked her, I got to the living room door and they both looked at me. I stumbled into the room, waiting for it to all blow up.
"You cheated on mum?" Rachel asked, her voice was breaking a little. He looked straight at me, his face blank.
"Of course I didn't." He shook his head.
"Why are you lying?" I spat at him. His face went from blank to filled with rage.
"You've had a bit too much to drink Alyssa, you're making things up now." He shook his head.
"Don't try and gaslight me, I'm not fucking lying and I'm sick of all this. You've lied for so many years and tried to pretend like this was some fabricated bullshit I made up." I couldn't contain it anymore, there was nothing that could stop me. "You paid me off not to tell anyone then treated me like shit because I caught you, my life was a living hell because of your mistake and for all these years I've blamed myself for how much you hate me for it."
"Alyssa." He said firmly.
"No dad, you need to hear this because I'm done lying for you to cover up your own doing. It's not fair. I'm supposed to be your daughter, you're supposed to fucking love me but yet you act like I'm a burden to your life." I spat, it was the alcohol fueling my courage to do all this. "I deserved better but you threw me away, for what? Was it worth it dad? It mentally fucking scarred me what you did, what you made me hide from my own mum."
"Alyssa calm down." Rachel tried to pull me into her arms but I pushed her off.
"No, I won't. I'm done. I'm fucking done with all this." I shook my head, the tears were beginning to build up in my eyes. "You're a monster." I spat towards my dad.
He just looked at me with rage, like there was nothing else in the world to look at. He walked over to me slowly, glaring at me. His hand raised and slapped me across the face with so much force that I stumbled backwards. It stung but not as much as the feeling inside me. Rachel ran for me and pulled me away from him. "You've done enough damage now." He spat, walking out of the room. I just stood there with Rachel cradling me in her arms, we both fell onto the carpet and the only sounds that could be heard was me sobbing and Rachel telling me it was gonna be okay. But it wasn't.
-
Matty
I couldn't be arsed with drinking at all, my mum kept trying to convince me to have more wine but it was annoying me now. I just wanted to be with Alyssa, as fucking sad as that sounds. I should be enjoying the time with my family.
The hours passed until I sobered up enough to try and sleep, I didn't want to stay up late. The quicker I went to sleep the quicker tomorrow would be over and done with.
A knock at my door made me freeze, I didn't want to deal with anymore overly enthusiastic bullshit about Christmas but I couldn't be rude to my family either. "Yeah?" I asked.
Louis walked into my room with a smile on his face. "You're calling it quits early, what happened to you?" He said sitting down on my bed, making himself comfortable.
"I'm tired." I sighed.
"Wash out." Louis chuckled.
"Fuck off." I laughed. "What do you want?"
"I just wanted to chat, you know since we rarely see each other." He shrugged.
"Okay for a bit but I wanna sleep." I said with a slight yawn.
"I need some advice actually." He said sheepishly, sometimes I forget he's still just a teenager.
"With what exactly?" I asked.
"Well, I like this girl at school but I'm kinda shit at talking to people." He shrugged.
"So you're asking me for advice with girls? Have you seen my track record?" I laughed.
"You've got a girlfriend at least, plus you're quite the shagger." He grinned.
"That's not something I like to boast about." I rolled my eyes. "What advice can I really give you, just ask her out."
"I don't have your confidence though, I'm not Matty Healy." He said as if it was some form of achievement being me.
"You don't think I've ever been rejected?" I raised an eyebrow at him. "Mate, I've had many rejections, it's shit yeah but it builds character."
"I just don't want to get laughed at." He sighed. "If she says no then it'll fucking kill my confidence."
"Look that's just how it goes mate, you need to take a chance. Just ask her to hang out sometime and feel the vibe out. If it seems like she's flirting a bit then make a move." I told him. "You need to loosen up and just go for it, you'll never know if you don't try."
"I guess." He said. "How did you get Alyssa?" He asked.
"It's a bit complicated to be honest but I just told her how I felt and she was into it, I didn't hold back or sugar coat it. I just said it how it is and somehow she felt the same." I smiled like a fucking fool thinking back on it.
"And that's it? A happy ending for you?" He smirked.
"Not quite, it was a bit all over the place but we're happy now and things haven't been better." It's best not to mention the fact we broke up for a week, that bit isn't important.
"I like her, she seems nice." He grinned.
"I like her too." I said. "Now get out, I want to sleep."
"Fine." He mumbled, getting off my bed. "Thanks for the help."
"No problem, let me know how it goes." I said sleepily. "Turn the light out for me." He rolled his eyes and walked over to the door, turning it off before he left.
I couldn't have been asleep for much more than 3 hours before my phone buzzing on the nightstand woke me up. I really should put it on silent before sleeping. I looked at the time quickly before I answered, it was 3am. "Hello?"
"Matty." Alyssa's drunken voice boomed through the speaker.
"Everything okay love?" I said sleepily.
"I kinda fucked up tonight." Her voice was shaking.
"What happened?" I asked sitting up in my bed, rubbing my sleepy eyes.
"I got into a fight with my dad, it all came out and I couldn't stop myself." She sniffed a little.
"Wait what do you mean?" I felt my heart begin to race.
"I told Rachel everything, she ran off and asked dad and then I just lost it. He tried to say I was lying about it all and I just couldn't handle it. I wasn't lying, I know what I saw." She started to sob.
"Baby, it's gonna be okay." I tried to reassure her, knowing full well it was a pathetic attempt.
"It's not though." She cried. "He hit me." My stomach dropped the second the words hit me, how could a father do that to his daughter when he was the one who made the mistake.
"Alyssa, I'm sorry." I mumbled.
"It's fine, I've fucked up Christmas. My mum is screaming at my dad now, Liam is in shock and Rachel tried to make me feel better but it doesn't matter. The damage is fucking done." She laughed bitterly. "Sorry I woke you, I'm gonna try and sleep."
"Call me as soon as you wake up in the morning, okay?" I told her.
"I will, goodnight." She mumbled and hung up the phone. I threw my phone onto the mattress and sighed loudly.
What the fuck was I going to do? She was stuck there with her dad that thinks it's okay to lift his hands to her because of something he fucking did. All she did was tell the truth for once and this is how he's reacted.
I tried to go back to sleep but the way her voice cracked on the phone as she cried was breaking my heart. She didn't deserve this, she deserved to be loved. Not treated like a liar. I tossed and I turned, looking at my phone every now and again, it was just passing 4am when I realised I wasn't going to be able to sleep.
I had to do something.
-
Alyssa
I wish I could sleep, I wish that I could switch off my brain. This was a nightmare, a living fucking nightmare. I've ruined everything but at the same time I felt lighter. I wasn't hoarding this secret anymore. The only downside was ruining Christmas for Liam.
It was around 10am when I finally decided to get dressed, the house was in complete silence. Was Christmas even going to happen now? Did my mum calm down enough for the fact of saving face in front of the entire family?
I pulled on my jeans and a long sleeved black and white stripey jumper. It wasn't at all Christmasy but at this point, what does it even matter? The family was in pieces because of me. When I got to the kitchen my mum was walking around, preparing food for the dinner later on. She looked at me and sighed. "You've caused a big mess here Alyssa." She huffed.
"I didn't mean to." I mumbled, sitting at the breakfast table.
"I know." She gave me a sad look. "I had a feeling your dad was messing around behind my back, I ignored it for the sake of you lot but what did it matter? He still did it."
"I'm sorry I never told you." I said.
"I'm just disappointed that you waited until now, of all times." She looked broken, like her entire life was falling apart.
"Where is dad?" I asked.
"He's in bed." She shrugged.
"And what does this mean for you two?" I persisted.
"Nothing? We're going to be okay." She replied.
"Are you serious?" I spat. "He fucking hit me mum."
"He was trying to knock some sense into you Alyssa." She said firmly, I was shocked. She was okay with this?
"I can't believe this." I mumbled, pushing my chair out and standing up. "This fucking family is a joke." I shook my head. I walked out of the kitchen, towards the front door and grabbed my coat and threw it on. I needed out of this fucking house.
Once I got outside the door slammed behind me, when I looked up my heart dropped into my stomach. Matty was walking up the pathway of my garden. I stared at him in shock. "Surprise!" He said a little too enthusiastically.
"What are you doing here?" I asked. He just stopped and smiled.
"I couldn't sleep knowing what was going on with you, so I got in my car and drove down. You need away from that house." He said softly. My eyes begun to water, I've never had anyone care about me in this capacity. He rushed over to me as soon as he saw me begin to cry. "Hey don't cry, it's okay." He mumbled, rubbing my back.
"I'm so fucking stupid." I sobbed into his chest.
"You're not." He said reassuringly.
"I walked away from you, threw you away over some stupid fucking feelings and yet here you are, running to save me the second I'm in some trouble." I cried. He let out a soft chuckle.
"I just didn't want you to spend Christmas with him, I couldn't stop thinking about it." He pulled back and looked down at me. He traced his fingers over the bruise that was beginning to form under my left eye.
"I fucking love you Matty." I blurted out, his face broke into a massive grin.
"I fucking love you too, Alyssa." He said in return. "Now go and get your things, if we leave now we can make it in time for dinner."
"You're mad, driving all the way down here to just turn and go back." I shook my head at him.
"I couldn't sit there and know what you were going through, alone." He said softly.
"Maybe you are my savior." I mumbled, not breaking my eyes away from him. He leaned in and kissed me with so much passion, it left me breathless. "I'll be a few." I told him and ran back into my house.
As I was running up the stairs I came face to face with my dad. He glared at me with so much aggression but even that couldn't wipe the smile off my face. I ran into my room and grabbed my phone and backpack that I hadn't even touched since I got here. When I got to the bottom of the stairs my dad was standing near the door. "Where are you going?" He asked.
"The fuck out of here." I spat at him, opening the door. He stood there and looked at me as I walked up to Matty, who just grabbed my hand.
"If you walk out of this house right now Alyssa, there is no reason for you to ever return." My father shouted out, both Matty and I glanced back at him.
"What gives you the impression that I want to?" I laughed bitterly, Matty leaned in and kissed me on the forehead.
"You're a disgrace." My dad said.
"Aw, you're my disgrace though." Matty said sarcastically, kissing me on the lips. I couldn't help but laugh. This is what I needed, he is what I needed.