Alyssa
The days were easy to deal with, once the tour was over things went back to normal for me. I went back to working regularly, it was the nights that hurt most. More so because I was back in the flat with Matty, only metres away from him at times. He avoided me as much as he could, I don't know if it was for his own benefit or mine but it somehow made the aching in my heart worse.
A part of me wanted to tell him I didn't mean it, when I woke up alone in that hotel room I panicked. I wanted to run to George's room and beg him to forget it all but there was just this nagging at the back of my head that told me not to.
It wasn't just the kiss, it was more than that. The pressure of being his girlfriend, my own down fall in my mental state and the fact that no matter how hard I tried, I'll never be able to erase who he was in the past. It seems selfish but seeing him with her made me realise, there were just too many people to compete with when dating someone like Matty, I just don't think I can keep his attention long enough to not get hurt in the end.
I don't know if I can keep living here though, it wasn't right. The temptation to fall back into his arms would surely be the downwards spiral into a routine that would hurt us both in the end. I needed to get out but my options were few and far between.
Today was just another day of waiting for the pain to hit me again. I didn't really understand how strong my feelings were for him until I ripped myself away from him. Maybe it's a good thing, break the attachment now before I get in way too deep.
I walked into the flat, the silence was deafening. It was almost as though there was no sign of life or ever had been. I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, when I turned around I saw Matty begin to walk into the kitchen but the second he saw me he had a look of panic and turned on his heels. I rolled my eyes, why was he being so awkward about this. "So you're just gonna avoid me forever?" I called out. He stopped walking and slowly turned around.
"I'm not avoiding you." He replied, barely able to look at me.
"It seems like it, we've been back almost a week and I haven't seen you once." I shrugged.
"This is difficult, I'm trying to give you some space." He frowned.
"I appreciate that but you can't just float around here like a ghost until you feel it's okay to talk to me." I told him, he looked up with sad eyes.
"I'm not trying to make things weird, I just don't know what to say or do right now." He scratched the back of his head.
"Well if it makes things easier, I'm looking for a new place." I said softly, his eyes flashed with disappointment.
"If you think that's for the best but you don't have to, this will pass." He said just above a whisper.
"I just think it's a bit hard for us to be around each other right now and I don't want to make things even more difficult for either of us, we work together and it's just not going to end well if we're going through a break-up." I bit my lip awkwardly.
"You can do whatever you like to get yourself through this but this place is always somewhere for you to stay." He gave me a weak smile.
"I appreciate that." I smiled back.
He nodded and walked off to his room again. When I heard the door shut my heart felt like it was shattering all over again. I would've done anything in the moment to run in there and tell him how much I wanted this to be over and just fall into his arms again. But it wouldn't change anything and that's the bitter, harsh reality when you love someone. No matter how much you want them, the issues that caused you to want to give up are still going to be there.
-
"Alyssa?" George looked confused to see me standing at his doorstep. "Are you okay?"
"Everything's a bit of a mess really." I mumbled, looking at him sadly.
"Come in." He opened his door wider to let me in. I followed him down the hallway towards the living room.
"I just feel a bit trapped, I don't know what to do George." I sighed, my head fell into my hands.
"It's okay, it's a difficult thing to go through." He sat next to me and rubbed my back.
"Am I making a mistake?" I looked up at him.
"I can't really answer that for you but if you think there's a reason to doubt that you should be with Matty then you have to go with your gut." He told me. "He's my best mate and I honestly wanted you two to work out more than anything but from what you've both told me, this isn't the end of the world for either of you."
"I just care about him so much, it makes me think I've made a mistake breaking up with him." He smiled sympathetically. "I just can't shake the feeling that my own mental health is standing in the way of me being happy and I can tell he's fighting his own battles to help me, which isn't healthy."
"I know what you mean, I think the only thing you can do is wait and see." He said. "Time heals a lot more than you realise. Give it some time and see how things go, it might help you both since you did jump into all this so quickly."
"It's just hard because I live with him." I slumped my shoulders, feeling so defeated.
"You can stay here if you want, I've got a spare room." He said as if it was absolutely no problem in the world.
"Are you serious?" I asked in shock.
"Yeah, I don't want you to feel like you have no options and have to face him every single day. Maybe some actual space will give you both some clarity." George shrugged. "It's an option that is always open to you."
"I appreciate that George, I do." I smiled at him.
"It's no problem, anything for a mate." He returned the smile.
After we spoke for awhile I felt more at ease, George was genuinely becoming one of the best friends I'd had in life. He didn't seem to hold an ounce of judgement for me and always seemed to make me laugh.
"I'm so fucking full." He mumbled, throwing a half eaten slice of pizza down on the box.
"You did try to eat a whole large pizza on your own." I pointed out. He rolled his eyes and sighed.
"I'm just getting too old for it, I'm defeated." He huffed.
"You're not that old, you're the same age as me George." I laughed.
"Shhh." He hushed me. "That just means you're old too." He chuckled. "When is your birthday?"
"2nd of December." I shrugged, his eyes widened.
"That's this weekend." He stated. "Why didn't you tell anyone?"
"I just didn't really see it as being a big deal right now." I said.
"Well you know this means I'm throwing you a party." He grinned.
"And that's why I didn't tell any of you." I rolled my eyes.
"Come on, it's an excuse to get smashed." He chuckled.
"You guys don't even need an excuse to have a fucking party." I shook my head.
"You're not wrong but come on, let me throw you a little birthday bash." He gave me the puppy dog eyes.
"Fine but please don't go overboard, I don't like attention too much." I sighed.
"I'll keep it minimal." He nodded. "Shall we invite Matty?"
"Of course, there's no bad blood between us. I don't want to lose him out of my life completely." I frowned.
"Okay, well it'll be a fun little night. I'll make sure your cup is always filled." He beamed. I just rolled my eyes at him, more grateful than ever for how welcoming he'd been to me in his life.
-
Matty
The hardest part of all this was knowing that I could've done more to stop this but I didn't. I walked out when she said she wanted to end things, maybe if I just stayed in that room we could've talked things through. But now I have to live with the knowledge that I was the one to walk out in the end. She was never going to let me back in now.
"Matty?" George said, pulling me out of my pit of self despair.
"Yeah?" I replied.
"I'm throwing a party for Alyssa's birthday this weekend." He said.
"Oh, that's great." I faked a smile. I knew he could see how fake it was but he pressed on anyway.
"I know you're in a weird spot with her still but I think it'll be good for you both to get your mind off everything." He said. "It's for the best, you know that right?"
"Then why does it fucking suck so bad?" I frowned.
"Mate, I know you're feeling cut up about it but she has a point. You're both struggling with some issues at the moment, building a relationship on top of that is only going to end up with someone being hurt." He sighed. "I want things to work out for you, I do but not at the cost of either of your happiness in the end."
"I know." I said flatly. "I just don't like feeling this helpless in everything."
"I get that. I offered her my spare room, give you two some space." He said softly.
"That was nice of you." I nodded.
"I think you two will get through this, maybe not as a couple but as friends. She's a great person and no matter what she's making a real impact on you in such a good way." He ranted on, I felt myself losing interest in his words. I know he's trying to help but it didn't take away the shit feeling I had. "It's all going to be okay in the end."
"I know." I mumbled, my responses were beginning to become meaningless.
"I'm gonna head out now mate, text me if you need anything." He got up off the couch and gave me a weak smile.
"I will do." I nodded, watching him walk out.
The emptiness in the flat was beginning to consume me again, the hard feeling of realising I was back where I started 4 months ago before she came into my life. It made me wonder how someone could come in and change my entire mindset in such a short space of time. She was intoxicating in all the best ways possible.
The loneliness was creeping in again, plaguing my mind with thoughts that I didn't need. I needed to take the edge off, to feel less like a sad piece of shit. I got off the couch and walked to my room, heading straight over to the wardrobe and pulling out my box. It contained the only thing that would make things feel a little less chaotic.
The ivory powder spoke volumes to me, like it was calling out for me. This is what I was always so scared of. Feeling so low that my only option was to throw myself into the world of cocaine again but this time I didn't care. I didn't have anything else to lose. I had the chance to be with a girl that made my heart swell whenever she looked at me and just as quickly as I got her, she slipped away before me.
I poured some of the contents onto my dresser and set up a few lines.
Once I consumed more of the cocaine than I initially intended to, I fell backwards onto my bed and stared up at the ceiling. And for the first time in a week, I felt like the voices in my head were fading away, leaving me completely alone as the sun set outside. I didn't want to feel anything anymore, as dramatic as it all sounds.
It wasn't just losing Alyssa that made me feel so alone, it was the fact that no matter how hard I try, I always end up in the same room. Alone. Scared. And broken.
Two updates in one night? Quarantine has me this bored. Hope everyone is staying safe out there! This chapter is more of a filler but wanted to write it out and post anyway, a lot of things are coming. We aren't even halfway done yet. Enjoy