There wasn't ever a world where I should have been in love with a man so much older than me. But it happened the moment I saw him. Being openly Gay was one thing, wanting someone I knew to be straight was another. He hadn't confessed to be straight—I'd never spoken to him. But he seemed like the type to have many girls chasing him.
I first fell for his eyes—brown, dark, mysterious. As he helped me pick up the papers I'd scattered all over the ground. His eyes reminded me of the sky right before a thunderstorm hit. They were dark, with clouds threatening destruction, a simmering fire. I'd been engulfed in them and for the longest time, I didn't want to stop staring into them.
As I waited for my sister to make an appearance, I allowed my mind to wander back to him. Strange, I was already imagining him kissing my cheeks and I didn't even know his name.
I checked the time and frowned before picking up my phone to send my sister a text message. She was always late and most often than not, because of her, I would arrive at the campus behind schedule.
I'm leaving you. I sent her a text
P'Tessssssssss! No-khaa! She'd even added a rather large crying cat emoji.
I started the ignition to stress my point. Lala came darting out of the house and flung herself into the passenger seat of my car.
"Why are you always like this?" I asked while shaking my head. "Why are you always late? You woke up on time."
"P!" she cried. "Please don't scold me. Time has a way of slipping away. That's all."
I didn't say anything. Instead, I dropped her off at her campus then turned my car toward mine. My mind slipped again and began remembering everything about the man I admired. He was tall, handsome, fair skinned, dark haired—I wished so desperately I could see his eyes again.
I wished I had a reason to approach him.
Something caught my attention from the corner of my eyes. I'd already put my foot on the brake, slowing down when someone lurched from the side and fell heavily on the hood of my car. I screech to a stop and tumbled out and around to him.
"Khun!" I called. "Are you okay? Khun?"
I glanced around but we were alone. "Where'd you come from?"
Not sure what else to do, and realizing the man was bleeding, I brought him into my car and strapped him into a seatbelt. "I'll take you to the hospital, khrap. Don't worry. It'll be okay."
Speeding all the way to the nearest hospital, I ushered him inside as fast as I could. A nurse rushed out and took over and I crumbled into one of the seats in the waiting area. Since I wasn't family, they really couldn't tell me anything about him after I'd admitted him. Still, I waited, hoping to merely be there in case of anything.
I wasn't going to make it to school. Tired, I pulled out my cell.
"Boss, I'm not going to make it to class today." I told him. "Can you take notes for me?"
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine. Had an accident and had to drive someone to the hospital. I'll explain later."
"Nong?" A man walked toward me.
"I have to go." I hung up before Boss could ask any more questions and stood. I offered him wai and shoved my fingers into my pockets.
"Are you related to him?" The doctor asked.
"No, khrap. I was driving and he kind of ran in front of my car." I sighed. "Will he be okay? I didn't know what else to do and since he was bleeding..."
"You did the right thing, Nong." The doctor's smile was reassuring. "He has been asking for someone named Tar..."
"I..."
The doctor handed me a piece of paper. "This is the address."
Without thinking, I accepted the paper and hurried out the doors. I wasn't sure why I was doing all this. Other people would have said they'd done their part and walked away. But something was pushing me to do all I could for this man. It didn't help I was studying to become a doctor and I wished to have all the practice I could get.
The address was of a house that was locked behind a tall gate. I climbed from the car and rang the bell at the side on the wall. I had to do that twice before the front door opened and a stepped through dressed in nothing but a pair of black slacks. Even from the gate, I could see he had a great body. He still had water dripping down his perfectly carved abs and from his dark brows.
And though my mind should have been panicking, I allowed my gaze to travel upward to his eyes.
When he was close enough, my breath was caught in my throat. "Brown," I whispered. "My heart's eyes are brown."
"Nong?" The man arched a brow
I offered him way which he returned before I spoke. "Pŏm chêu Tes khrap. Are you P'Tar?"
"Khrap."
"I found this man today. He was bleeding. I took him to the hospital and he gave this to the doctor."
When I handed him the letter, he looked down at it then arched a brow. "How bad was he hurt?"
"He was bleeding from his nose." I explained. "They couldn't tell me anything else. I'm not releated."
P'Tar opened the gate. "Let me get dressed then you take me to him."
"Khrap."
He hurried inside but I stopped to close the gate behind me then followed. Though the outside of the home was beautiful, the inside lacked life. There were no pictures, no flowers, just a sofa in front of a television for the living room.
I paced while I waited, wondering if it made me a bad person to not want him to cover that body with clothes. When his footsteps sounded behind me, I turned and sighed in disappointment. He now carried a helmet and I just about fainted.
"You lead." He said rushing for the door.
I wasn't sure how I got myself unglued without falling over but I did as he ordered. All the way back to hospital, I kept glancing in the rearview mirror marveling how dangerous he seemed in all black. The motorcycle was like a ghost, flying through the streets behind me.
"So, your name is P'Tar," I whispered. "It's lovely to meet you."
The words I wished I could have said to him. But under the circumstances, I couldn't be as forward.
At the hospital, he darted inside, and I was left gripping the wheel of my car trying to get my heart to stop racing. When nothing happened, I sped all the way home, stripped down and stood under the shower. The desperation to cool my body down was enough to give me a slight headache.
I'd see Tar a few times—he always looked so handsome, so mysterious, so absolutely out of reach.
The days rolled on and my life took on some semblance of normalcy. I tried not thinking of Tar or the way he made me feel. Rip asked me to be his boyfriend, but I couldn't agree. He decided he would chase me, me anyway. Each time I thought about it, it was like breaking my own heart.
Maybe I should agree to Rip. But even that thought felt wrong.
I wasn't attracted to him but what else could I do? I doubt I'd ever feel for another man the way I felt for Tar, but he could never be mine. It was stupid to put myself on hold for a man who didn't know I exist.
Lying down was beginning to make me dizzy. Frowning, I sat up and pulled my laptop closer with the intention of watching a movie, or maybe videos on Youtube.
"P'Tes!" Lala called from the foot of the stairs. "There's someone here to see you."
"What?"
"Would you come down?" Lala replied.
Even though she said I had a guest, I dawdled a little longer. It was probably Rip and I wasn't in the mood to see him. After a few minutes I figured I should get it over with, send Rip on his way. I made my way down the stairs then followed the voices to the living room. The man turned around and I gripped the door frame. "P'Tar." I pressed my palms together in front of my face. "Sawatdee-Khrap."
"'watdee." He offered me a smile. "You remember me?"
Is he kidding? How would I forget? I only think of you when I'm breathing.
"Chi-P."
"I wanted to come by and thank you for what you did for my uncle," he said. "Khot tod. It wasn't my intention to be rude when we met."
"It's okay, P." I couldn't help my flushed cheeks. "Could I offer you something to drink?"
"Um—I was actually here to see if I could take you out for a meal today."
My sister giggled behind me and for the first time I realized she hadn't left us alone. I frowned but focused on Tar. "That is not necessary, really."
"It would mean a lot to me."
"Okay-khrap." I gave in.
The truth was, I didn't want to fight him. It wasn't a date and he wasn't chasing me, but the thought of being alone with him sent my pulse racing.
"Do I have to change?" I asked.
"You look great." Tar told me.
Nodding, I turned to look at my sister who was trying to hide a smirk. "I'm going first, na?"
She nodded and waved. "Bye bye."
I allowed Tar to escort me out the door. Outside, he handed me a helmet that was sitting on the belly of his cycle and my body instantly throbbed. I'd be on a motorcycle, holding onto him, feeling him close...
"I won't let you fall, C̄hạn s̄ạỵỵā ẁā".
I realized then I had been hesitating. His promise drew me closer as I hung on to those words like my life depended on them.
Clearing my throat, I accepted the helmet. He climbed on, started the engine then reached for my hand. I couldn't hear anything over the racing of my heart, but I managed to accept his hand to get on the back of the motorcycle.
When I didn't wrap my arms around him, Tar reached back and did so himself. He pulled my left hand around him first then my right.
"Hang on tight," he told me.
"Okay-khrap." My voice cracked.