"So Phoenix went home with Sin?" Jen questioned in awe.
"Yeah." Autumn simply answered as the two were closing down the diner. It was eleven o'clock and exhaustion began to overtake her.
Jen's almond eyes narrowed further in thought as she mopped the kitchen with ease. Often times Jen reminded Autumn of a robot in the way she mimicked the same movements each time she closed the building. The thought occurred to Autumn that maybe she looked this way as well.
"I didn't know you knew him like that."
Flushing, her pulse quickened. "Why do you say that?"
Wiping sweat from her forehead, Jenna hefted the mop into the bucket and drove it out of the kitchen and looked at Autumn. "I didn't mean to scare you-"
"I don't know him that well. Phoenix loves hanging out with him, and I don't want to take that away from him because he's been so happy lately, but you saying that makes me realize I don't know him at all. And I just sent him home with Phoenix."
"Autumn, it's okay, I didn't mean it in any way. We're almost done and then you can go home." Her hand reached over and squeezed Autumn's arm, thick lips creating a sympathetic smile.
"Okay." Autumn breathed out, and she began to scrub the tables clean.
After the two were out the door, jackets on and aprons off, they shared a hug. "Thanks for staying with me, girl," said Jen, who pulled away to lock the door.
"Of course. I'll see you tomorrow."
At eleven-thirty, Autumn trekked home, exhausted and hair a frizzy mess in the damp fog that enveloped her. Heart racing, she quickened her pace, clutching her bag tightly to her side. A breeze swept her legs, and goosebumps spread on her body from the ripped holes exposing her knees.
When approaching the last lamp on her journey home, she looked back at the misty afterglow of the stop lights behind her. This last stretch home was a problem each time.
The meow of a black cat brought her back to reality. It's one-eyed face was caked in dirt, but she saw its tail relax against the lamp post. Releasing a breath, she looked closer, checking for sure it only had one eye, and smiling the slightest at the familiar stray. "Hey, Mango. Stay out of the street, okay? It's too dark for cars to see you."
The cat only meowed in response, and she stood a little straighter, looking at the dark nothingness before her.
Your eyes will adjust.
Just don't think about it.
Walk.
Releasing the breath she held between her lungs she walked in haste, ignoring the uncertainty of what surrounded her, and she kept her eyes on her beat up Adidas that she got from Keith three Christmas's ago.
The glow of her porch light nearly brought tears to her eyes when the last three minutes of blindness was over. The usual feeling of a weight falling from her chest released her and she could breathe again.
Shoving the door open with force, as the foundation was always shifting it out of place, it creaked open, and she forced herself not to rush inside.
She saw Sin in the kitchen immediately, scribbling something on pieces of paper, his thick eyebrows knitted in concentration. He only looked up at her when she shoved the door closed, startling him.
"Sorry, I should've warned you you'd be here a while." Shedding her jacket and wrapping a throw blanket around her shoulders, she approached the chair across him and sat.
Folding up the papers and stuffing them in his jacket pocket he met her eyes and he shook his head. "Don't worry about it."
"He went to bed okay?"
Sin nodded, seeming quiet enough for her to cut back on her questions.
"I'll be right back."
Heading to Phoenix's room, she shuffled with caution to his side, seeing he was content and wrapped up warmly. A final feeling of ease settled within her, and her shoulders relaxed.
She pecked the boy's forehead and left the room, taking out her tips from her pocket and counting them one more time.
"Here," With the cash in her hands, she presented the money to Sin after sitting across from him. "For watching him."
"Please," Sin's hands enveloped her own as he pushed it back towards herself. "I offered, you don't have you pay me."
"I really do," She insisted, attempting to push the money into his hands, but his wary grip only became more certain.
"Autumn," Her name left his lips, and her skin pricked with something new. Never had she known her name could sound so pleasant, "Please don't pay me."
There was a moment where Autumn wanted to fight his modesty, but seeing in his eyes that he was serious, she lowered her hand, and watched his reserved eyes soften when holding her gaze. What to say.
It was odd having a man other than Keith in her home. Carl and his mom came every now and then, even Jenna sometimes when she dropped off cookies. But a man. A feeling in her throat tightened and she worried for what Keith would do if he found out.
There had never been any other men in her life but Phoenix's dad and Keith. She was foolish enough to almost express attraction for someone long ago when Phoenix was three, and she was even more foolish for thinking Keith would be accepting of that, but she remembers the night her friend stopped by Keith's apartment to drop off something for Phoenix.
Keith had never spoken of it. Never had he told her she could not date if he would be supporting her financially, nor had he ever told her she would belong to him forever. These were things Keith never said. Rather, he showed her. He hurt her in bed. He squeezed her a little too tight, and held nothing back. The way Autumn knew this was him communicating his anger to her was the way he left her when he was finished, pushing off of her in an instant, straightening himself and looking back at her, as if taking in the sight of his work- a broken, helpless being.
Being reminded of this, she could only stare at Sin and prey Keith never found out she allowed him into her home.
"I know it's late, but, do you want some coffee?" Autumn found herself saying, regardless of everything that ran through her mind. There was a part that nagged that she owed him. He walked Phoenix home, he took care of him, he kept her son safe, even stayed when he easily could've left, and he won't let her pay him.
"Only if you don't mind making it." The look in his eyes sent something heavy in her stomach, almost as if he knew this was unlike her to want him to stay longer. Almost as if he was unsure it was really happening.
"It's no problem." This she could do. Make coffee. "You can go sit in the living room, if you want."
Standing around the tight space of the kitchen, she started up her pot, and Sin rose to go to the living room, when she remembered the couch didn't have cushions.
"Sorry, I forgot about his fort." Following him in the open space of the living room, Autumn reached for the fort.
"No, you don't have to move it." Seeing the couch stripped of its cushions, he bent over to fully observe the blanketed fort before him. "He's got a set up and everything in here." Sin acknowledged in amusement at the snacks and throw pillows on the inside of Nix's reading spot.
Autumn watched him take interest in fort. It was especially pleasing to her to see a smile spread across his thin lips that usually only made a straight line. "Fort La Mancha, protected by the respectable Knight Phoenix," she chimed.
Standing straight and turning to meet her eyes, he questioned, "A Spanish fort?"
"A Spanish knight." Autumn said, the seriousness in her tone satisfying him as well as the smile she gave him in return.
"This isn't a Don Quixote reference, is it?" Sin questioned, his eyebrow raising at her. The look he gave excited her so, she allowed herself to internally swoon at his handsome face.
"It is."
Shaking his head with a smile, he sat on the cushion-less couch and released a chuckle, "I don't know why I'm surprised. Your kid's a genius."
Autumn found herself laughing a little, "He just reads a lot. You know books are cheaper than video games."
"Say what you want, I have never met a child who's read Don Quixote."
"You know he's trying to read Steinbeck now?" She sat beside him on the uncomfortable wooden box beneath the cloth of the couch, turning to face him.
"He mentioned that," the husky voice responded with a small thunder of a chuckle.
"I don't know how this happened, honestly, he just knows so much."
"I can tell he loves learning things, he's a curious one."
"It'll be the end of me." Autumn muttered, chuckling the slightest.
"I can't imagine." He leaned back against the couch and looked at her wrapped in a blanket and she looked away.
As if noticing he was wearing his jacket for the first time she felt embarrassed at the brisk chill in her home. "Are you cold?"
"No I'm okay-"
"I can get you a blanket, we have a lot of blankets." She added, eyes not reaching his in a hidden shame, before waiting for his response she went to the broom closet, trying to reach between the small opening for a blanket. She cursed quietly, realizing she would have to attempt to pry the panel open.
With difficulty, she tugged at the edge of the panel, trying with all her strength to slide it open.
"Here," Sin's voice made her jump, feeling his chest behind her.
His laughter echoed between the wooden walls, "Sorry."
Unable to help but laugh too, Autumn turned to face him, feeling a wash of heat as he reached from behind her and pushed the panel open with one hand, the veins on his hands bulging for a moment. "You did that so easily." She said in awe, and watched in satisfaction as his neck flushed slightly. "It's been a while since I got it to open."
"I can tell," swatting away the dust that floated from the creases of the sliding panel, Sin reached for a blanket and walked back with her to the living room.
"Sometimes I can open it no problem, but I think I just need to start leaving it open all the time." Escaping into the kitchen to check on the coffee, she came out a few minutes later with two mugs.
"Thank you," He said, taking the mug, sitting back on the couch.
Autumn didn't sit yet, instead, in attempt to suppress her nerves, peered through the sheer curtain in her house out the window, seeing the trees move in waves. "What's it like working the junkyard?" She found herself saying, the spot between her eyebrows wrinkling the slightest.
Sin took a sip while it was still scorching, but seemed to enjoy it. "It's... easy. Quiet, for the most part." Saying nothing for a while, he looked up at her, taking her in, "How is it working at the diner?"
"Definitely not quiet." She chuckled, and Sin waited for her to sit, but she looked back outside uneasily.
"You have a really good kid, Autumn." The way he spoke her name brought a tingling in her gut again, and she sunk to the seat beside him. "I'm sure you already know that. What I mean to say is you're a good mom."
She knew he didn't mean to, but he took her by surprise. Looking back at his sultry gaze, she forced herself to tear her eyes away and fixed them upon the reflection of her nose in her coffee.
"Thank you."
"And," There was a pause between his words, a breath that escaped him. "If you ever need help taking him home or anything, I'm here. You don't have to pay me, he and I are... friends now, I guess." The tinge of red came back to his neck, and Autumn noticed how sheepish he turned.
"I'm glad you guys are friends." Before realizing the words, she spoke them, and came to the conclusion that she really was thankful Phoenix found whatever it was he found in Sin. Only she hoped with everything in her heart it would be worth it. There was still some resistance she forced upon herself when thinking of how a friendship with Sin was not the best for her all around.
On one side for Phoenix, she didn't want him to get hurt if Sin moved away, or realized it was a lot to have a kid following you around with every move. On the other, she saw something in the man sitting across from her that made her want to open up like a book, and she realized she might trust Sin with Phoenix, but a part of her was unable to believe in someone like him acted with any type of affection toward her family.
However, this would be enough. Allowing Phoenix this relationship would be beneficial to him, maybe. It just could never be for her, even if she saw Sin was trying to make her comfortable around him.
"I really appreciate the help, Sin." Her voice spoke, something in her tone closed off and heavy.
Catching it, Sin only nodded to her, finishing his coffee and making his exit a few minutes after.
...
It was nine o'clock, and Autumn had seen Phoenix off to school already. It was her least favorite time of the day, when Phoenix was gone and the house was filled with sounds of the ticking Space Jams clock in the kitchen and the hissing of the coffee pot. Every now and then she'd turn on the television, just for comfort noise, but when it got too loud she worried it would cover up the sound of Keith possibly driving up.
Like a hamster on a wheel, sprinting to match her heart rate, Autumn was never at ease when alone at her own home. It was only another hour, and she'd be at work.
When the coffee pot was filled, Autumn sighed, pouring herself a cup and filling it up with cream and sugar. There were two chairs, and normally she'd find herself sitting in the seat Sin occupied the previous night, but something about his presence made her feel secure. Not necessarily safe, but she felt right with him there.
Sitting at the seat Phoenix normally sat, Autumn stared at the chair before her, remembering the caramel eyes that turned dark and chocolate when they watched hers, and tried to remember the way his skin looked in the broken lighting. There was a remainder of a tan on his skin that made her wonder how he spent his time outside. The way his large hand held the mug, knuckles prickled with hair and she could imagine the veins that ran along his covered arms.
This man had to have been nearly a decade older than Autumn, it was obvious in the way he held himself, in the way his forehead held the shadow of a crinkle, and his hooded eyes held a lifetime of memories. Yet, he acted toward her in a way she never saw him act with anyone else, not at the diner at least.
"Fuck." The sound of her voice echoed throughout her house, and her face found her palms.
It was a fight to force him out of her mind, but she demanded it of herself. Rising from her seat, she finished her coffee with a gulp and set off to shower.
Ten minutes later, when the mirror was coated in steam, Autumn made no move to remove it. It wasn't necessary for her to look at the person who lurked behind the fog. That person had sad eyes, and marks on her body. There was never a need to look at the marks Keith left on her, and she allowed herself a peak every night before going to sleep to see when they would finally fade. So far, they'd be gone be the next day.
By the time her hair was coated in her anti-frizz oil, she braided it behind her, and got dressed for work.
...
"Hello," Sin's unusually cheerful voice surprised him, and he felt himself getting warm with uncertainty. Maybe this was a bad idea. It had been years, anyway. Sure it wasn't all that long but it was still enough time for them to go without ever speaking again.
"Hello? Who is this?" Hector's voice grumbled on the other end, and Sin could picture his face, hardened with his sharp eyes, and his perfect black hair always cut short on the sides and styled carefully to the side.
Because Sin grew up with Hector, their high school selves were often how they saw themselves, young and stupid. Intimidating and fast on their motorcycles, Hector often going wild in rage on his bike, flipping off drivers and screaming at them to pull over. Sin never got in the way of his rage, he knew he only took it out on the road. It wasn't until they were just seventeen when an older man pulled over after Hector shouted threats at him, and the man pulled to the side of the high way in California. The man climbed out of his minivan and kept his distance, demanding softly that Hector take a breath, while Sin just remained on his bike, watching his friend in a fighting stance, roaring swears at him as passionately as he could.
They never knew who the man was, just a friendly old suburban dad. He talked Hector through his anger, and reminded him that he was only a child, out on the road and demanding for random people to get out and fight him. Since meeting that man, Hector applied the man's logic every time he felt rage, and Sin never forgot how impactful it was to be someone who just talked someone through their feelings. It was part of the reason he enjoyed talking to Phoenix, he got to see what helped and what triggered whatever it was in his eyes.
"It's Sin." He held back the urge to call Hector a dumbass.
There was silence on the end, only for a split second, that filled Sin with worry. Maybe not speaking for four years was better for Hector, maybe he no longer wished to know Sin anymore.
However, these doubts quickly vanished when Sin heard Hector's laughter on the other end, and he finally settled at his desk and relaxed back in his chair. "Hey dumbass."
A grin erupted in Sin, "How are you man?"
"I'm existing. How are you? It's been too long."
"It has been. I'm existing, too. I guess, you could say."
On the other line, Hector scoffed, "Yeah in that little isolated cabin you're in? I doubt it."
Sin laughed, "How did you hear about that?"
"Are you kidding? I see Mike at my tio's store every week. You once said you wouldn't be caught dead in that miserable town."
"You see my dad?" Sin sat up in shock.
"Yeah my girls love him."
"He knows your kids?"
"You lost touch with your dad too?"
"I see him once every couple months, and usually I'll ask about you and your family... he's never mentioned that he talks to you."
Only hearing laughter on the other line, Sin felt a vast amount of lightness that only could be compared to when he and Hector were sixteen, riding their motorcycles at 150 miles per hour down empty highways at four in the morning, feeling as if they were invincible. The light before the midnight darkness that hit the both of them when they were in their twenties and unsure of their careers paths in college, instead spiralling down a gloomy path each year until they broke it through strength and vowed never to mention their past vices again. There were times where Sin forgot he was that type of person, and there were times when Sin craved to be that type of person.
One thing was for sure, for Sin. And that was that he knew he would never go back. If it meant losing the pure relationship he had between Phoenix, whether Autumn would let him in or not, he would never be that person again.
"Your old man's trying to get you to do some of the work."
Sin chuckled in thought, "You're probably right."
Catching up with Hector didn't feel like catching up at all, rather the four year gap between their friendship had never existed. After Sin asked about Hector's wife, Lorena, and his four kids, it seemed so natural. They laughed on the phone for an hour, Sin losing track of time until Hector finally says, "Listen, it was really great to talk to you again. Next time your in town, come have dinner with us."
"Really?"
"I mean it. I know there's still more catching up to do, so in the mean time don't forget to call if you meet someone."
Another hard laugh escaped Sin when he heard Hector. "What do you mean, meet someone?"
"You know what I mean," Hector's mocking voice came on the other end, then he disposed of his comical tone and grew rushed, "But seriously, come have dinner with us. I've got a meeting with an asshole, I'll talk to you later."
"Bye, Dumbass."
And they hung up the phone, a small weight lifted off Sin's shoulders.
...
Because it was Wednesday, Autumn didn't expect Phoenix at the diner, especially since she made a point to convince him that he didn't need to see Sin every day.
"But what if Sin comes and I'm not there?" Phoenix's stubborn voice stressed to her as he walked out the front door with his mother tailing him like usual when walking him to the bus stop in front of their house. Stopping at the front door, he turned back to face her, but she nudged his backpack forth, making him walk outside.
"I'm sure he'll figure out that you're not coming." His mother responded, but he was not convinced.
"No, mom, you have to tell him that I don't come Wednesdays. I don't want him waiting there all night for me." The boy pleaded, turning around once meeting the ground with his small beat up sneakers.
"Oh, Nix, I really don't see why-"
"Please, mom. He's my friend, I don't want him to worry."
Finally allowing him to face her as the bus rolled up, Autumn released a breath. "Okay, goof. If he comes, I'll let him know."
The sun was still hidden behind trees when the bus screeched to a stop, and she watched with a smile as Phoenix's brows relaxed and he grinned up at her. "Thank you, I love you." And he wrapped his arms around her.
"Love you." She said, pressing a kiss on his forehead.
After receiving the big forehead kiss, Phoenix looked around, conscious of his friends around but relieved at their being distracted by the bus. "Be good for Brenda!" Autumn called as he ran around to climb into the bus, and the boy only waved her off.
Recalling this moment with a smile, Autumn finally made it to the diner, seeing it was still busy with customers taking advantage of Gary's decision to extend the diners hours and promotions. Being the owner had its perks, Autumn noted, only when it wasn't the owner running the damn place.
"So, how was it last night?" Jenna said once Autumn settled in beside her, wrapping the strings of her apron around her waist until it came to the front with a little knot.
"It was fine, actually. I had nothing to worry about." Autumn responded, tucking in her thin black long sleeve, aware that the bruises on her wrists were almost entirely gone with a hint of yellow left on her skin. However it didn't matter too much, as the cold was rushing in before they even got a proper fall.
Suddenly a noise startled Autumn, and she turned to see Jen slammed down a baking tray after she had set up scones in the display case behind them. She looked at Autumn, mischief glittering in her pretty brown eyes. "Don't hold back on details, did you fuck him?"
"Jenna!" Autumn scolded, face turning a furious shade of red, making her friend bend over with howls of laughter.
Jenna's kinky dark hair bounced as she held her stomach, dramatizing the situation further. "I'm kidding, darling, I know you're practically the Virgin Mary."
Without denying the claim, Autumn shook her head, knowing the only way to keep her secret of Keith was to go about it as if she didn't have any outside relationships whatsoever. It helped her with her fantasy of living a perfect life alone with Phoenix, too. It was almost as if Keith didn't exist. That is, until Keith would show up at her house on Sunday. Autumn shivered at the thought.
"He's Phoenix's friend, not mine."
"Don't act like he doesn't want to be your friend, though."
Taking the tray from Jenna's hands, Autumn went to the kitchen and slipped the tray in the sink, one of her favorite cooks giving her a familiar nod. "Buenos días, Tino." She said quickly, and poked her head to look at Jenna from the opening in the kitchen. "Were you not interested in him the second he walked in?" She demanded.
Jenna stood in front of the counter, stuffing napkins in the canister before shoving her hands on her hips in a playful challenge, "He's beautiful, what can I say?"
Autumn rolled her eyes, pushed through the swinging door from the kitchen and setting up a pot of coffee. "Then why are you trying to push him onto me?"
"Because," Jenna began, setting her things down once more and getting in Autumn's face almost desperately. "He clearly isn't interested in me. I know you see him watching you." Her voice turned serious, and Autumn looked up in boredom at Jenna.
It never occurred to her until that moment that Jenna did do her flirty advancements toward Sin, like she often did with the attractive strangers that would walk through the door. Jenna had a way about her, and Autumn would joke about living vicariously through her in the sex department, especially since it was no secret that Autumn had no passion in her life, but demanded that it remain that way for her own reasons.
It dawned on Autumn then with Jenna standing before her, that he had indeed ignored all of Jenna's usual advances. But why? Jenna seemed much closer in age, after all. Often times, Autumn still felt like a kid. And with her friend standing before her, Autumn couldn't deny how beautiful Jenna was with her dark skin and almond eyes. Her curly spirals seemed oiled tame, something Autumn would never have the patience to achieve, and she was almost tall enough to be a model. Jenna rarely got rejected.
Autumn only shook her head, not feeling up to discussing the man that occupied her thoughts any further.
"Tino!" Jen called, having the short cook grunt an 'eh' in response. "Tell her!"
That moment, Autumn was almost certain she had won the argument, that was until Tino poked his meaty head through the opening, looking at Autumn, "Don't kid jerself, ju know he likes you."
Autumn eyed him in shock, "Since when do you have her side?"
Returning to his work, Tino only shouted over the sizzling of the grill he worked over. "I'm on the side of the truth, sister."
Jenna laughed brightly, and Autumn settled the warmth that wanted to reach her face. She knew Sin watched her, but what she didn't realize was that her coworkers were so invested in this not-at-all-possible relationship that Autumn had been avoiding.
"You guys need to mind your own business." Autumn said, trying to sound serious, but Jenna's laughter was contagious and soon Autumn found herself smiling, too.
"Look, if that's what's holding you back, don't mind me. He'd gorgeous, but my mans only wants you."
Autumn shook her head, watching as the morning rush was about to multiply and cars parked quickly in front of the diner. "I don't have time to deal with a man right now. I only wanna focus on Phoenix."
"Autumn, you can't be single forever."
"What about you, Jenna?" Autumn teased back, going around the diner to fill up coffees and settled back behind the counter, checking on Tino's progress in meals before more customers settled in. "When was the last time you had a relationship?"
"I'm single, but I still get some here and there."
While the door to the diner chimed with the rush of morning regulars, Autumn only shook her head at Jenna. "You get some, girl," she encouraged. "I'm done talking about it."
And she went ahead to greet the customers.