Graduation was stupid. I didn't like it.
Two weeks after and Connor and I are just fighting about everything.
The reason is because I had a fan come up to me a week ago and it was a guy. He asked for a picture and I of course agreed. I went to take the picture and at the last second he kissed my cheek.
Of course I was smiling and then the fucking picture was leaked.
The reason we're fighting is because Connor doesn't believe me. Everyone has been listening to us bicker for a week straight. It only ends when I get mad and lock myself in my room.
"-and you don't even have any proof that you didn't want him to kiss you!"
"I shouldn't need proof! You're my boyfriend! You're supposed to trust me!"
"Well you've given me no reason to trust you!" he yells. "I don't want you to be a repeat of Christen!"
The thing with Connor is he has trust issues in relationships since the girl he was absolutely head over heels in love with cheated on him.
"God! I wouldn't do that to you! Keep it up and I'll leave."
"Fine." He snarls. "Fucking leave. You won't be missed."
I feel like a hot fire poker was just shoved into my heart. All signs of anger leaves my face.
"Connor!" Mama Ava gasps.
I let out a breath and tears well in my eyes. "Fine. Fuck you. Your officially single."
I turn around and go upstairs with rivers of tears flooding my cheek. I know he's following me.
"Wait. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. I love you. You know I get all hot headed."
"Just fuck off!" I shout at him. "Get out!"
"Amanda." He whispers.
"No. Go the fuck away."
He walks out without a word.
I wanted him to stay and beg for me to be his.
In our fights I've warned him every day that I'm gonna leave.
I didn't think I was, but I am.
I start packing.
I lock myself upstairs. I'll sneak out tonight.
I pack everything. I have sixteen suitcases in the end.
I get a piece of paper.
Connor,
I warned you every day that I was going to leave. I didn't think I was going to, but I changed my mind. I didn't let him kiss me and it hurts a lot that you don't trust me. I'm not Christen. I'm Amanda. Don't try and find me. You won't. For future reference, when a girl tells you to leave, that normally means she wants you to stay. I wanted you to stay and beg. But you didn't. So fuck you. I knew it was stupid to try and date my best friend anyways."
I take a photo of me staring right into the camera flipping it off, I print it and then I tape it to the page.
I sit on my bed until four in the morning and then I slip downstairs. I leave the note in his shirt pocket. He's hardly sleeping but he'll find the note.
I take my time loading the car and then I get in and drive off the property.
I text Abby who seems like the only person who ever cares anymore.
Me: I'm running away
Abby: wtf
Abby: why
Me: connor and I broke up and I'm just done
Abby: take me with u
Me: no sorry but I need to go alone
Abby: keep in touch
Me: I will
****
I bought a house in Florida. I'm here now and it's furnished already. I'm sitting on my bed. I changed my Facebook status to single.
The whole world is freaking out.
My phone vibrates with a text.
Mike: I didn't do anything to u so can u at least tell me where u went
Me: no because connor will find out.
Mike: so we r never gonna c u again?
Mike: wht about the band
Me: idk anymore. Just announce I left.
Mike: Amanda.
Mike: if you ever come back you can be back in the band. Promise.
I don't reply. I've been driving for three days and I just woke up from falling asleep. I slept an entire day, no joke.
Now I'm scrolling through Facebook. I see a link to Connor on David Letterman.
I stare at the blue link for a few minutes before I click on it.
"Please give a warm welcome to Connor Ryder!"
Connor walks out and he looks horrible.
It's been three days and he looks like he was revised from the dead.
They shake hands and take their seat.
"You're not here to talk about a new album or a new tour." David says quietly. Connor shakes his head.
"Amanda um...she left the band."
People scream in protest.
"Why?" David asks.
"Because I made the biggest mistake of my life." He mutters.
"What mistake?" David prods.
"Well you know that we were um..." he trails off.
"In a relationship?" David asks gently. He nods.
"She took this picture with a fan. I overreacted because a few years ago I was head over heels in love with this girl and she cheated. Amanda knew. Our families are joined into one and we're just one huge family so it's five families into one. The dining room table at Mama Julie's house fits forty and that doesn't even start fitting kids yet."
He lets out a low whistle. "Wow. Who's Mama Julie?"
"She's Amanda and Andrew's Mom." He says. "Anyways, Amanda took this picture with some fan and he kissed her cheek right when she pressed the button. She told me that she didn't know he was going to do that and...I believed her but I just kept going. I kept telling her I didn't believe her. I wouldn't listen. She warned me six times she was going to leave but I didn't believe her. I never thought she would actually leave." He sighs. "But she did. She left. Three days ago she told me she was going to leave for the seventh time. I know she wanted me to beg for her to stay, but I was stupid and I didn't." he takes in a shaky breath. I can see tears welling in his eyes. I know this wasn't part of the script. I bet Dad told him to make himself look good so he wouldn't ruin the bands image. "Anyways she said she was gonna leave, and even though I was begging her to stay with my mind, the hothead part of me told her to go. I told her she wouldn't be missed." The whole audience is dead silent. "I love her. I can't even sleep anymore. I know people say heartbreak gets better, but I don't agree. It's not going to get better. I've loved her for a very long time and I blew it before we were even together two months."
"Do you know where she is?" David asks gently. Connor shakes his head. "She hasn't spoken to anyone but Mike." He admits.
I realize just now that this is live.
"Mike asked where she was and she wouldn't say. She knew if I found out Mike spoke to her I would take his phone and read the messages." He pauses. "She was right. She knows me better than anyone. I know everyone thinks that I messed up and I should be forgiven but I disagree. I did mess up and I will never forgive myself and forget, but I don't deserve to be forgiven. I don't want pity. I want people to realize I'm an asshole."
"Oh Connor, your not an asshole. It was a mistake."
"No." Connor shakes his head rapidly. "I was rude to Amanda. I lied to her and told her I wouldn't miss her. I made her cry. I don't care if it was a mistake. I want everyone to hate me. I deserve to be alone. I-"
I get off of the interview and hurl my phone at the wall and burst into sobs.
Even though I technically ended things, it was still him. It he just stopped yelling at me and apologized I would've stayed but he didn't apologize until after I broke things off.
I feel like I'm trapped underwater and I can't get out, or I'm locked in a chest.
It still feels like that fire poker is in my chest.
Even when I think of him I feel like that poker is shoved in my chest again.
God, I miss him so much!