“HOW?”
“Well at the time I did not have a good enough job to be able to put a shelter over her head and food on the table for her…so I had to give her to a family who can provide her that…I did not want to live with the burden of not being able to take care of my child right…but when you came along, I had a good enough job and was able to take care of you…”
“You should have told me! You cannot just keep things from me!” I snap.
“I knew you would act this way and yell at me for not telling you…I just wanted to wait till you were older”
“Oh, so you waited till I was 18 to tell me?! What happened when I was 15, 16, and 17 years old?!”
“We were not on speaking terms hardly…we would always get into fights and I knew if I told you that would make the fight progress even more…I did not want that. I want to be able to tell you things, but when it comes to someone you love and you do not want to hurt them, there are just some things you keep to yourself for awhile”
“If you are hiding something from someone then that is practically LYING to them, Mom!”
“Sweetie…”
“NO!”
She tried to hug me but I refused to hug her. I did not want to deal with this and I could not explain WHY I knew that Brookelynn was my sister before she even said anything that she was my sister.
I had this feeling that somehow we had a sister connection, even though things gotten rough.
I do not like it when people hid things from me and I am sure other people do not like it when I hide things from them, so I have to tell Brookelynn sooner rather than later.
So I get up and leave without an explanation to where I am going. No one needs to know. I will be totally fine.
I call Brookelynn and tell her to meet me at the Coffee Shop and that it is important, it took her awhile to agree to come and meet me.
I am sitting at the table waiting for her to show up and my hands start trembling because I am starting to get nervous. What happens if she does not believe what I have to say? I know my Mom would never lie about something and I know that the images I have been seeing in my mind are true and not fabricated by my mind fooling me.
The bell on the door jingles and Brookelynn comes in sight and all of my nerves become more intense.
She sits down in the chair across from me and says, “What is going on?”
“We need to talk about something…”
“Which is?”
It takes me awhile to form the words and say it out loud, “I know who your Mom is…” I say quietly.
“You do? How?” she seems surprised by my sudden words.
“Your Mom is my Mom…”
“What?! You are lying to me, aren’t you? You are just trying to get back at me for what I did!”
“No I am not Brookelynn…I swear to you. My Mom just told me and I left as soon as I found out to tell you, because I know it is important…”
“Y-Your lying…” she still does not believe me.
I softly grab her hand and tell her to look at me and she gazes in my eyes and I say, “I promise you that I am telling you the truth, I would never lie about something like THIS…”
The image of a 15 year old girl is at a house with a boy kissing him and I knew that no one knew she was there.
She sighs and she gives up, “I believe you…”
“Good,” I smile. “And I will never tell anyone that you sneaked over to a boy’s house”
“Huh? How did you possibly know that? I never told anyone that…”
“Weird…”
“Is something going on?” she asked.
“No.” I lie.
“Since we are sisters and all, you can talk to me whenever you want/need to…I will be there for you like a sister is supposed to be…” she smiles.
“Thank you so much for meeting up with me”
“You’re welcome, sister” she laughs and I laugh with her.
I head back to the apartment when we finish talking and once I walked through the door again, Matt is at me, but the kind of ‘at me’ as in you-better-be-thankful-for-your-life.
Great. :/
“WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, AGAIN?!” he snaps.
I look at the ground and say, “W-With Brookelynn, it was important…”
“Your Mother said you left all of the sudden without any explanation to where you were going and she is worried sick about you like I am! You cannot just up and leave without saying where you are going, Heather! What if something happens to you again?! I will not be able to forgive myself! And I am pretty sure your mom would disown me if I do not protect her daughter right!”
“I AM A GROWN WOMAN AND I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF! I DO NOT GIVE A FLYING CRAP IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO ME! IT WAS IMPORTANT AND WHEN SOMETHING IS IMPORTANT AND I HAVE TO TELL SOMEONE, THEN I GO AND TELL THEM!”
“Oh, so when you were pregnant you did not think that was important enough to tell me?!”
I did not tell him I was pregnant for awhile, because in fear I was afraid he would leave our son and I and never return, just like my Dad did.
“YOU DO NOT BRING THAT UP! THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! I only did not tell you for awhile, because I was scared and afraid! You cannot blame me! I mean, COME ON! And thank you for asking how my day went” I said sarcastically.
“How was your day?” he asked.
“Good, Thank You” I said sarcastically again.
“Care to tell me WHY you were with a psycho?”
“Do not call her that!”
“Why are you all of the sudden defending her?! She did kill me and she almost killed you!”
I sighed, “She is my sister…”
When the words came out of my mouth, Matt looked at my face to see if I was telling the truth just like Brookelynn did not believe me.
“Oh…” is all he said and he left.
I found myself break down crying. Lately, I have been feeling so distant from him that I do not know if it is ME or just that everything stressful has been happening and it is taking a toll on our relationship. I cannot afford to lose him.
If I lose him, I do not know what I would do anymore.
My life is better with him in it than without him in it and I wish he would realize that.
I know my sister DID kill Matt and almost me, but she is my sister and all…
I feel like I have to forgive her and forget about what had happened, because it did happen in the past and I need to focus more on my future than my past. But, lately my past keeps coming up in my thoughts and I do not want them to. I try to push it aside, but something in my mind is making it engraved in there for the rest of my life to make sure I remember it happened and that I will also never forget about.
Everyone always has told me to focus on the future and let the course take its path the way it is supposed to be. I want my future to be clean and nothing bad comes in my way, but I know that will never happen.
It will only make my life much more interesting.
I wish Matt and I can talk about things and be more civil with each other rather than rip each other’s heads completely off and stake it in the front of his apartment.
He needs to understand my point of view on this situation, but he just does not understand it and I wish he did, because I am tired of fighting with him about everything.
I am about to give up completely and forget about everything and fall off the face of this planet.
A couple of weeks have gone by and my Mom left this morning and said she would contact me soon. Brookelynn and I have been hanging out more since I told her we were sisters. Our mom and her got to officially meet each other and all is well. Brookelynn is going to stay with her for awhile to get caught up on things and get to know each other. Matt and I still have not talked much lately and things get back to the way they were before. I miss him terribly and need him.
I have been isolated in my room and have not left the room at all today and I am not in the mood to deal with him anymore. I am tired of him brushing me off like some old news and like a piece of trash. Is he not telling me something that I should know about?
If so, what? Will he tell me?
I finally get enough courage to deal with him, so I get out of bed and make my way to the living room. I sit down on the couch and watch television.
I watch television for about a couple of hours until he finally shows his face to me.
I feel so hollow and empty.
His face is just so alluring…
Nothing comes out of my mouth when I want to say hi to him or something, but absolutely NOTHING comes out.
“Hey.” He says.
Nothing still comes out.
“Hey.” He repeats like I did not even hear him even though I did.
My mouth is glued shut and all of the sudden I blurt out, “WHY DO YOU ALL OF THE SUDDEN ARE STARTING TO BRUSH ME OFF?! YOU ACT LIKE I DO NOT EVEN EXISIT!”
“I said hi to you!”
“Matt, we barely have even talked for a couple of weeks…again. It is starting ALL over again!” I start crying, because I am afraid to lose him.
I know that he is slowly slipping through my fingers.
I see it turning red, like a bullet through the chest. It’s a lover’s final breath.
He does not even come to my aid like he used to and I know something is wrong…
He is looking at the ground and does not say a word until I continue talking, “You need to talk to me! Like we used to…”
“I am sorry. I-I guess I just do not understand how and why you can forgive Brookelynn so fast, especially after what she put us through”
“I know that…but you have to understand that she is my sister! I am tired of how my past keeps coming up into my life. I want to look FORWARD, not back.”
He sighs.
“I still do care about you, more than you could know” I tell him.
“Is there something I could say? Show me how to break it down”
“Take the time and turn around! LISTEN TO ME NOW! Maybe I could have loved you better; maybe I could have shown that I still do care about you more than you could know. Do not say that it is too late to try to make things better…it is my entire fault…”
“I hate when you do this to yourself…you beat yourself up all the time and blame yourself for everything. It takes two to tango all of the time”
“Not unless one of the people wants to dance solo”
“We could run forever if we wanted to, and I would not get tired. As long as I am with you”
“Even if we are miles and miles apart, you still hold my heart”
He manages a smile, finally.
“We are inseparable!”
“I agree to that” he sits beside me on the couch and puts his arm around me and I cuddle against him.
The whole world feels like it stopped and it just feels like only he and I are on the planet and no one else. I love this feeling and I do not ever want to lose it.
He whispers in my ear, “I know you better than I know myself. I love you so much it consumes me”
I smile, “I love you too, forever and always”
“I am so sorry for all of the stress I have caused you, I hate fighting with you and we seem to be doing that a lot lately and I cannot take it anymore. If I lose you my whole world will fall apart and never go back to the way it was. I will not be myself ever again. You are the one that allows me to be myself with you and that I was I love most about you. You do not let me hold back or anything, you put up with my anger and everything. I do not see how you do it…”
“I do it, because I know losing you would be the worst thing to happen to me in my life and I will not be able to go through it again. I try so hard not to blow up on you but I am just…stubborn at times…”
“I know baby, you cannot help it. I am just glad you share how you are thinking. It is better to let it out than keep it bottled up inside you. I want you to know that you can come and talk to me about anything. I am here for you and I will listen, even though it will be hard for me at times to fully understand but I will try better next time…”
“Thank You” I whispered.
“Your very welcome” he kissed me on the forehead
and we stayed up and watched movies together since we have barely spent time together, because of everything that has happened in our life. I feel bad for Matt being dragged into all of this; it is my fault that he is in all of this mess. People are the one bothering me and he has to be in the situation to just to protect me. I know it is the right thing to tell him if anything goes wrong, but what happens if something happens to him the next time? What if I lose him forever? Will I be able to forgive myself? No.
When we finish our movie marathon, he takes me to bed and we cuddled together till we both doze off into dreamland.
I woke up the next morning to a ringing sound. It was my phone.
I was half asleep when I answered it.
“Hello?” I said sleepily.
“Your next” the mysterious voice said.
“Who is this? Jay?”
“YOUR NEXT!” the voice replied again and the phone clicked off.
I looked at my phone to see who it was but it was an unknown number.
Weird.
All of the sudden, I woke up fast.
It was all a dream, or was it?
My cell phone started ringing and I looked at it and it was the unknown number. The exact same thing happened as in my dream. The mysterious person said I was next. What does that mean? Obviously I am next, but next to do what?
My nerves are on sky high right now and half of me wants to tell Matt but if I do, he will keep me on house arrest for like ever and I will never be able to go outside and enjoy the glorious air.
I sighed. When is my life ever going to be NORMAL?
What is weird is that I dreamed this and all of the sudden it came TRUE.
The same thing happened when I lost my baby boy. I had a dream where I lost him, but I could not remember how when I woke up the next morning.
What is going on with me? Am I going crazy? Is this all in my head?
All of those thoughts kept swirling around in my head and kept bugging me.
I need to find out these answers fast. I do not want to end up in the mental hospital again.
First thing, I seriously need to tell Matt.
I get out of bed and try to find him but he is nowhere in sight, yet again.
He needs to stay in bed with me. No wonder I have nightmares.