Song for the chapter: Emmylou by Vance Joy
Liz’s POV
I don’t know what time it was when we finally decided to move, I don’t think it really mattered. I think we both knew we weren’t going to class today. Too much had happened and there will still unresolved feelings and thoughts. I, in no way, could focus on Sense and Sensibility or even think about writing a paper on the evolution of speech and sentence formation. I knew Harry couldn’t either. No matter how much he loved Shakespeare, I knew he wouldn’t be able to focus on Macbeth. We would go tomorrow. Well, I would. He hasn’t been in two weeks. I knew because I continued to go, maybe in the hopes of seeing him and maybe just to get my mind off him. If I had stayed home he would’ve consumed every thought that ever invaded my head. I don’t think I’d be able to handle that. Pure torture.
I deserved that. I deserved worse than that. But I was too selfish to let myself suffer in pain like that.
What does Harry see in me?
After hours in that position, with no words said and the fading cries of Harry, I decide to open my mouth.
“Harry,” I whisper, afraid that the world will hear us and disturb the miserable bliss I found in this moment. “We need to move. Before they wake up and see us.”
He doesn’t say anything. He just nods and begins to stand. I climb off his lap. I keep my head down, not being able to handle looking at his face- so filled with sorrow. His arms unwind from my back, but they don’t leave my skin. His calloused fingers slightly intertwine with mine and it sends warm sparks through my veins- making my stomach fuzzy and my mind clouded.
“Where do you want to go?” I ask. I don’t expect much from him, a shrug or silence, but he surprises me like he always does.
“Yours,” he states weakly. He sounds tired and his voice is raspy. I nod and slowly, we begin to walk to my car.
I put the key in the ignition and the car roars to life, warm air blasting through the vents. Harry takes a deep breath and rests his head against the window. I pull away from the curb and start the drive to my home. Every couple seconds I turn to make sure he’s okay. His skin is pale, but his cheeks are flushed from the air. His eyes are closed, his lids dark like the bags under his eyes.
I don’t want to know what I put him through because it’ll hurt me tremendously. But I deserve it. I deserve to know what an awful person I am and the torture he’s endured because of me. His breaths are slow and deep and he looks exhausted. His breathing sounds forced and he sounds in pain. I feel my eyes water. I’m so close to him, but I’m so far away. I feel so closed off from him, but what else should I expect? I shake my head trying not to get emotional now, I don’t want get in another car accident. I focus on the lyrics playing in the background, soft and subtle.
“Oh, don’t go losing the nighttime
Oh, don’t feel bad
I never have
Since I got you
My emmylou
You are loved
You are loved
You are loved
You are loved..."
I want to close my eyes and I want to cry and disappear. I want to vanish into the thick air and forget. I want to forget who I am and who I want to be. I want to forget this world and the pain that comes with it. I want to forget Harry and all he’s ever made me feel. I want it all to go away, but I’m not strong enough to end it all. I’ll never be strong enough to do anything or be anyone worth something. I’m just me. Not important, not meaningful, not anything significant. I’m just here, but I’m loved. I’m loved and that should be enough.
I look over at Harry and the tears begin to fall. He’s so beaten down. He’s fading and he’s fading fast.
It’s only been two weeks. How did all of this happen?
The sun is rising higher and higher into the sky. I want to reach my apartment before the town wakes and comes to life. Fortunately, we reach the parking lot of my apartment another minute later. I park and before I can even unbuckle my seat belt, Harry is out of the car, headed for the stairs. I quickly chase after him, my legs weak and slow from sitting for so long on his lap. I walk behind him, watching the flannel that covers his skin expand and then contract. His black skinny jeans are stained in various places, his brown boots tattered and worn down.
What has he been up to?
I swiftly step to the side of him and unlock the door. The tension in the air is thick, I suddenly feel uncomfortable in my own home. I’m vaguely aware of Harry standing in the doorway. I can feel his eyes burning into my back. I swallow and let my feet carry me upstairs into my room. The door creaks open and my room is soon illuminated from the light shining through my curtains. I close them and rest my head against my fingers, tightly wound up in the fabric. I shut my eyes and inhale deeply.
Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.
I feel Harry’s presence in the doorway. His warmth making the room temperature rise twenty degrees. I turn to face him and he’s already looking at me. His forehead is creases, but not in frustration. In exhaustion. His lids cover ¾ of his eyes and I find myself a little somber that his beautiful iris’ are nearly hidden from me. His shoulders are hunched over and he looks like he may fall over.
“Harry, you need to sleep.” I nod my head over to my bed and look back at him. He shifts his eyes from me to the bed. He surprises me by shaking his head. “Harry, you need sleep.”
“I can’t sleep. Not anymore.”
“Why not?”
“You’re not with me.”
His response makes me choke on my breath and makes my heart skip a beat, but not in the right ways. I close my eyes and squeeze them hard. I want to run to him and throw myself in his arms and kiss him and I want to tell him that I love him because I know that’s what he wants to hear, but I can’t. I can’t lie to him like that and I can’t try to convince myself I have those feelings when I know I don’t. I want to love Harry the way he loves me. He deserves to be loved. But I can’t. I can’t love him. It’s too hard.
“Harry,” I beg. “Please sleep.”
“Only if you sleep with me.”
I shouldn’t. I know I shouldn’t. There’s too many feelings that still have yet to be determined and there’s still so many questions I need answered. I need to ask him why he looks so unhealthy. I need to ask him where that bruise on his jaw is from and if he’s been hurting himself. I need to ask him why he wants me and why he’s so determined to love me. I need to ask him why he’s drinking so much. I need to ask him why he needs me so much. So many questions that I will save them for later because I care more about his health than I do my peace of mind.
“Okay,” I give in. I walk over to my bed as he follows. I climb under the heavy comforter first and Harry’s body soon follows. Harry’s arms immediately wrap around my waist and he presses his face into my shoulder blades. He inhales and then exhales slowly. I sink into his arms and rest my eyes, knowing I need this sleep just as much as he does.
I listen to his breathing slow and soon, his deep breaths fill the room. I try to let slumber take me, but I have too many thoughts that will not let me rest. I have the uneasy feelings and the untamed worries. It frightens me that Harry needs me so much. I’m so afraid that one day I will lose myself and my mind completely, if I already haven’t, and destroy myself. I’m afraid that in that process Harry will be destroyed too and it will be all my fault.
He’ll become so attached to me, and one day I will become completely unhinged and obliterate everything in my path. I’m a cruel person, but I’m not that cruel. The thought of hurting someone that severely makes my chest hurt and my mind fuzzy.
Harry stirs slightly, shaking me away from my haunting thoughts. He settles back into sleep and I realize that I should try to do the same. I try to focus on the sweet songs of the morning birds and the low roar of cars leaving for the morning. I have work later this afternoon, but I push the reminder to the back of my mind. Sleep soon takes me as I listen to the soft breaths in my ear, for it’s my favorite lullaby.
***
The alarm I set on my phone soon wakes me and I remember that I need to get ready for work. My eyes are still heavy and blurred, but I feel incredibly better than I did before falling asleep in Harry’s arms. My shoulders are lighter and my mind is clear. My chest is fluttering and I feel like I’m floating on a cloud in the highest heavens. I haven’t slept this well in weeks. My limbs no longer ache and bones feel weightless. I could get used to waking up like this all the time.
I look back to Harry and he is still un-stirred. I sigh and watch the way the afternoon light dances on his cheeks, beautifully flushed from sleep. His skin is glowing just like the soft pink that adorn his lips, slightly swollen and parted from his slumber. The sunlight dances off his lip ring and I study it with admiration. I watch the slow rise and fall of his chest and smile knowing he’s getting the rest he so very much needed. I slowly untangle myself from his arms and thankfully he stays asleep. He needs it.
I move around the room quietly as I gather clothes for work. I put on a jeans and a white undershirt. I grab my riding boots and slip them on, adding an unbuttoned, plaid flannel. I throw my hair into a messy bun on top of my head. I add a few coats of mascara, grab my bag and softly shut the door behind me. The walk to work is slow as I soak in the cold air seeping through my skin. The frigid air should be shaking my bones, but I oddly find comfort in it. I walk through the heavy doors and let Chris know I’m here. I set my things down and sign into a register.
***
A few hours into my shift, I exit from behind the counter as everything has slowed down. I begin to glide along the rows of books myself; looking at the various covers always seemed to relax me and intrigue me. I hum to myself as I pick up A Moveable Feast and flip through the pages even though I’ve read them time and time again. I become so consumed in the world of Hemingway that I barely feel a presence behind me. The heavy shuffle of feet cause me to snap my head up and turn around quickly.
“Liz.”
“Hi.”
It’s Harry. He’s dressed and he looks better than ever The brown boots adorned with his tight jeans, a baggy sweater thrown over his torso. He must have left the sweater around my apartment, I guess I just never noticed. I had been too consumed in everything that was happening to clean. The bags under his eyes are noticeably lighter- almost gone. His cheeks beautifully colored, lips plump and soft. He looks nothing like the man I saw earlier this morning.
Earlier this morning… that seems like ages ago.
“What are you doing here?” I smile and tilt my head at him. He frowns and looks at his feet.
“I thought…” he trails off and I stand up straighter. “I thought you may have left.”
“And gone where?”
“I’m not sure...I just woke up and you weren’t anywhere. I was starting to think that… maybe you regretted coming back to me.”
He sounds so vulnerable and his eyes look so weak as they meet mine. His confession tugs at my heart and it makes me feel guilty. I should have left a note so he wouldn’t have to wake up alone. I should have known he would become worried. He’s so unstable. It’s all my fault.
“I’m sorry you thought that.” I put the book back on the shelf and step closer to him. My fingers touch his jaw and I make him focus on me, not wanting him to look away. “Harry, I could never regret coming back to you. I care too much about you. You’ve impacted my life too much for me to just leave you. I’m cruel, but not that cruel.”
He laughs lightly and so do I.
“I’m sorry you had to wake up alone. I just needed to come to work.”
His shoulders relax and he sighs, looking relieved. I lean on my toes and kiss his cheek. He glances at me and for the first time I’ve noticed how dark the green in his eyes really are. And it never struck me until this point that no matter how dark the color, I always saw the luminescence in them. His eyes danced around the store, reminding me of the tiny light that always breached the canopy of the evergreen trees. Everything about him was fascinating.
“I know that now.” He blushes and so do I. “What time do you get off?”
I glance at the thin watch on my wrist. “In about three hours.”
He nods understand and shifts on the balls of his feet.
“You can stick around? I mean hang around the store until I get off...if you want,” I suggest and give him a small smile.
A bright grin appears on his face and his dazzling smile makes my knees weak.
“Yeah,” he nods. “I think I might just do that.”
***
“Are you hungry?” I call over my shoulder as I reach behind the counter to retrieve my bag. The thick tan strap rests over my right shoulder and diagonally crosses over my body. I throw my hair into a high pony tail and turn to him. His eyes linger on my face for a little longer than what I’m used to, but I don’t call him out on it.
“Yes. Starved, actually,” he chuckles and rubs his hands together. “Are you?”
“Yes. Where do you want to go?”
“I don’t know… let’s walk till we find something?”
I nod and we exit out of the store, after I give Chris a quick goodbye. The wind whips around us as we walk side by side- shoulder to shoulder. He pulls a navy blue beany over his hair and I watch him, almost as if everything is in slow motion. He’s so attractive. I watch as he blinks, his tongue wetting his lips- skin glowing under the street lights. Cars fly past us, but the roar of the engines are nothing more than a buzz to me. I am too focused on him, everything else is just the background- nothing more than a soft whisper and an everlasting blur.
I finally force myself to look away, but the rest of the block doesn’t make my heart light the way he does. The worn-down pavement doesn’t make my stomach flutter the way he does. The street lamps don’t mesmerize me the way he does. And I come to think and question why I would ever want to look at anything else. Why would I look at anything else that didn’t make me feel the way he does? Nothing else and no one else can make me feel even remotely close to the way he does. He makes me feel so many things that are so wonderfully perfect; I can’t wrap my head around it. He makes me feel so many things, but not even I can pinpoint what these emotions are. He makes me happy.
I intertwine his fingers with mine and I look up at him once more. He pulls his lip ring between his teeth and his cheeks flush as he looks down at our hands. His eyes meet mine and the sparkle I see in them makes me want to stare in them forever. I see the stars and all the constellations in his eyes. I see the galaxies and everything that is beyond this Earth in everything he says and in everything he does. If I had not a care in the world, I would fall in love with him- fast and hard. But it’s not that simple, so I just smile and continue to watch my feet as we walk to the bistro.
Author's Note: Hello everyone. I hope you enjoy this update! I spent a little longer on it than usual and I really enjoyed writing it. School had been so stressful, I don't think many of you care, but I'll tell you anyway. Finals week is coming up and I'm about to freak out, but I'll try my best to stay sane. Anyway, I love you all so much.
-Alli.