Kay was nearly at breaking point. Everything was exhausting and he couldn't see a way out. He'd been home for eight months, and things had gone back to normal. Which was what he had wanted, right? So why was he so frustrated?
Maybe it was the constant restrictions on where he could go, and when. And why. He was so close to snapping, and only able to hold it together for London. London had put his own life aside for months to help Kay get back to this position, and Kay should be grateful for that. He was. But he needed to show it, running back after just a few months wouldn't send that message.
New Years Day. The last straw.
Kay was trying – he was. No matter what his father thought. What his family thought. He was trying, and he wanted to think that he was doing well.
But how are you supposed to react when a kid touches your arm, asks you what 'faggot' means, and tells you that her daddy says that 'it's naughty to get tattoos'? In the middle of a family gathering? And having to brush it off with a laugh – continue eating? Kay was doing well, but not that well.
In another universe, maybe he wouldn't have gotten up and stormed out of the room, proclaiming that he was done. Wouldn't have ignored his parents' disapproving looks. Wouldn't have slammed the door on the way through the house, and certainly wouldn't have locked himself in his room, alone, for three days.
Kay knew he was overreacting – it weighed on him the entire time, but he also didn't know how to face any of this. Things were supposed to go back to normal. Not get worse. Then again, his normal had never been ideal.
His best just wasn't good enough right now. No amount of fancy dinners and art gallery viewings he attended made up for that. Nothing he did was enough and he was exhausted from the sheer effort of playing nice. If his best wasn't enough, then what was the point?
Kay was giving up. Giving up his life here. He couldn't say that he hadn't tried – nobody could.
Kay was sitting on the floor under the windowsill, relieved at the fresh air. It was a small respite from the stuffy bedroom. A respite from the regular, ignored, knocks coinciding with every meal. He tilted his head back against the wall, taking deep breaths as he tried to decide on a next move. Sure, he was hungry, but that was solvable. It might be time to concede, Kay thought, though it was grudging at best.
He tried to push himself to his feet, sucking in a breath as he fell back on his left wrist. Kay was up on his feet at the second attempt, easily able to brush off the wave of dizziness before it truly overwhelmed him.
The moment he'd gotten into the bedroom, all t-shirts had been tossed from the dresser, in favour of long sleeved shirts. Even seeing them lying in a pile near the bed was enough to give Kay pause. How was he supposed to stay here – and sane – if shit like this kept happening?
He rummaged in the bottom of the closet, finally bringing out the rucksack he'd brought from London's. Rather than thinking straight, he balled up two sets of clothes and his phone charger before stuffing them into the rucksack and zipping it halfway. Before unlocking the bedroom door, he also shoved in his passport and bank cards. Maybe he wasn't coming back. Or maybe he was. Not that it mattered to him, or anyone here.
Kay was quick down the hall, managing to avoid everyone else in the house. Staff would be on their break about now. That was a relief. He passed through the kitchen, grabbing two apples and a kiwi on his way through, before ploughing straight into his younger sister, who was staring at her phone instead of looking where she was going.
"Watch where you're going," she snapped, walking right by Kay.
And that was it.
That was the breaking point.
"What? Watch where I'm going?" Kay snapped. "Just –" He paused for a moment to compose himself. "Just forget it."
And, just like that, she had. She was moving through the house, leaving Kay alone again. He preferred that, if he was honest. It gave him a little time to sort himself out. He forced the zip on the rucksack closed and shoved both apples into one of his pockets. He needed air – Central Park was close.
On his way out of the front door, Kay grabbed the denim jacket his mom hated, hooking it over his arm. The door closed gently behind him and a weight lifted from his chest. Nobody knew he was leaving. Would it really hurt that much to go? Get on a bus headed out of the city? It wasn't like it mattered which direction he went.
As he walked, he took a bite into the kiwi he'd grabbed from the kitchen and tried to force himself to relax. This was fine. Things were fine. Several blocks from home, Kay made the turn into Central Park. He finished the first piece of fruit and pulled an apple from his pocket and sat down, dropping the rucksack carelessly by his side.
This was tolerable – sitting with his back against rough tree bark and watching people walk by, completely unaware of Kay paying them any attention. It was refreshing to no longer be the centre of attention. He could just relax without fear that someone would take an issue with him.
Kay wasn't ready to make a decision yet. But that was what made this so nice – he didn't have to. By the time Kay was moving again, he'd decided that he could do whatever he wanted. If he chose to get on a plane and not look back, then he was free to do that.
He didn't know how long he'd been walking, and he hadn't been paying a huge amount of attention to his direction – it didn't matter. He found himself confronted with a sign for LaGuardia Airport, half a mile.
Screw it, Kay thought, he'd tried. There had to be a point where he stopped. Kay couldn't go on forever like he was – having no freedom was bad enough, but he needed so desperately to be independent. It wouldn't happen here.
He quickened his pace, barely realising when he ended up at the entrance to the airport. Kay walked in a daze as he found his way through. He wasn't even sure what he'd asked for, but he didn't take it back, just let the woman deal with the transaction hand over the ticket and direct him to the right gateway.
He numbly headed towards the indicated door and glanced down at the ticket. LaGuardia Airport, NYC to Raleigh-Durham Airport, NC. 15:00, January 14th, 2022.
North Carolina. Of course he'd asked for there. That was the only place he had ties. Weak ones at that. He'd spent a whole hour alone with Ferris, if that. Why North Carolina? He had his passport – he could have gone anywhere. Apparently, he hadn't wanted to.
Kay boarded when the flight number was called out over the speakers, deciding that he wasn't going to change his mind. He wouldn't falter in this decision, regardless of the fact that he didn't even know if Ferris would think kindly of Kay turning up at his front door.
He supposed he could get a hotel room, just for a few nights. Maybe that was a better choice. Kay did need to call London, though. London always knew the best course of action. Well, usually. He was the one who had told Kay to continue putting up with life at home. That worked out well.
Something about being on a plane sent exhaustion coursing through Kay and he couldn't help but fall asleep, deciding that all of his problems could wait just a little longer. He only woke when they began to land and left the airport still exhausted and bleary-eyed.
Now was the part he was dreading. He had to call London, in the middle of the night once time differences were accounted for, and ask for his boyfriend's phone number, after admitting that he'd left home with no plans for the future. Yeah, that'd be taken well.
Kay couldn't put this off forever, he knew that, but he still waited. By the time he'd dialled the call to London, it was already six thirty. It would be half past twelve where London was and Kay was already bracing himself to have to apologise for waking him.
The phone rang and Kay was almost relieved – maybe London wasn't awake. Maybe he didn't have to be honest right now. It could wait until tomorrow. But no.
"Hey? Kay?" London asked, voice thickened with sleep. "Is there something wrong?"
"God – London, I shouldn't have called so late, I'm sorry if I woke you up." Who was Kay kidding? Of course he'd woken London. "I – uh – I'm sorry."
"It's fine, I've known you long enough to tell when there's something wrong. What is it?"
"Everything. I just – I tried to stay, and be grateful, and do what my family wanted, but I fucking give up. I – I'm at the airport in North Carolina. And I'm not going back. I just – what do I do?"
Kay was sitting on a grass bank, several hundred yards from the airport entrance now, not caring that the floor beneath him was wet. All he wanted was London's reassurance that he'd done the right thing.
"Okay, if that's what you want," London responded, then yawned. Kay could picture him trying to stay awake and the guilt was too much to quite ignore. Not that he would apologise again. "What are you planning?"
"I – well – I was going to ask you if Ferris still lived close," Kay admitted. "Or I was going to get a hotel room. It's not fair to ask him. He doesn't know me, and this is my fault."
"Do you want me to give you his number? He doesn't know you, but he won't turn you away. He knows that I trust you, so I'm sure he will too."
"Are you sure? Things have just gone in a huge fucking circle! I don't want to take advantage of you , or him."
"The fact that you're worried about that only shows me that you won't. Do you want his number?"
Kay took a breath before conceding once more. "Yes please."
"Okay, do you have something to write it down on?"
"No, but it's okay, I can remember it."
London paused, but read out the number slowly, not convinced that Kay would be able to recall it perfectly when it came to dialling it.
"I'll text it to you as well," London added. "Just – I know it's late here, but I want you to be safe, Kay. You've worked too hard to not be; you deserve to be safe. Can you call me when you decide where you're staying, please?"
"Yeah... Okay, thank you," Kay mumbled, trying desperately to work through his nerves. "I'm sorry I've been such a problem for you. I'll call you once I get wherever I'm staying. Or text, I don't want to wake you up again."
"Kay, call me. I'll sleep a lot better if I know that you're okay. We'll talk later, yeah?"
"Yeah..."
With that, Kay hung up the phone, bringing up the dialling screen. He typed in the number London had relayed over the phone to him, finishing just as London's text came through with the cell phone number.
Did Kay really want to be relying on another stranger for help? No, not particularly. But he also wanted to move on. If the only way to do that was with help, then he could accept that.
After staring at the phone screen for several minutes, he finally pressed the button to call and lifted the phone to his ear. It was picked up almost immediately.
"This is Ferris, who's speaking?"
"Hi – uh – this is Kay, we met in Luxembourg, I was staying with London and – uh – when you came to stay," Kay fumbled, unable to get to the point.
"Oh, yeah? I remember you. Congratulations on everything, London says you're doing really well for yourself."
"He does? I – uh – I actually need a huge favour. You don't have to agree by any means, but London said it was worth it to ask and I trust his judgement."
"What is it? I'm sure I can help."
"I'm at Raleigh-Durham Airport, and I don't really have anywhere to stay for the night..." Kay trailed off and decided to let Ferris make whatever he wanted of that.
"London said you lived in New York?"
"I did, until about six hours ago."
"Are you asking to stay with me for a couple days...?" Ferris asked slowly, "Because that's absolutely no problem."
"It isn't? You'd really let me stay the night?"
"Yeah. You're one of London's friends," Ferris said it like it was truly nothing to him. "You're at the airport, right? Do you want me to send you directions?"
"Yes please," Kay responded, beyond relieved that Ferris was being so calm about all of this. He had sounded confused, initially, but that had faded quickly.
"I'm really sorry that I can't pick you up. My car packed up last week and I can't afford to fix it until the end of next week, but I can tell you how to get here. It's a subway, then a bus, is that okay? You've got cash to cover that?"
"Yeah, I can get the subway," Kay responded, and was quiet as Ferris explained the directions. They were choppy and slightly unclear, but Kay could figure them out.
Ferris was the one to hang up the phone, and Kay decided that sitting around wouldn't help. He pulled himself off the ground and began walking, able to find his way to the subway station surprisingly easily.
It was completely packed, but Kay didn't care. None of the people gave him more than a second glance. Initially, he was able to sit down, but readily gave up his seat so that two women and their child could sit together. Considering his own familial breakdown, it was the least he could do.
Kay managed to get off at the correct stop, and ended up on the right bus. He got off a whole two stops early, but it was fine. He could walk. According to Ferris' directions, it wasn't too far from here anyway. Walking alone in the dark made Kay uncomfortable at best, considering the fact he had no idea where he was, but his newfound freedom made that okay. It was his decision to be lost. His.
He found Ferris' apartment building with ease and was directed to the fourth floor when he asked for directions from a janitor. Kay took the stairs up despite already being exhausted already. One of the elevators had an 'out of order' sign plastered on its doors and Kay wasn't entirely sure he trusted the other.
By the time he knocked on Ferris' door, having been up and down the corridor twice, Kay was almost asleep where he stood. He supposed he had every right to be tired, it wasn't like his day had been the most relaxed.
Ferris opened the door, and grinned, ushering Kay inside and closing the door behind them. Immediately, Kay realised just how grateful he was for this. He didn't want to be alone – even being with someone who was practically a stranger was better than that.
"Thank you for this, I don't know what I can do to repay you," Kay said quietly, until it hit him. "I've got some savings, I can help you get your car fixed, if you want," he offered.
"It's fine, Kay, this is a one bedroom place, but you're welcome to the bed if you want it, you look exhausted," Ferris responded. "You don't even know how long you're staying."
"I can't ask that of you – I'm fine on the couch. I've slept in worse places," Kay assured Ferris.
Trunk of a car. Bathroom floor. Park bench.
All of the uncomfortable nights were almost made up for by the fact that Kay could sleep anywhere he wanted to. Or didn't want to, for that matter.
"Okay, I'm on an early shift tomorrow, so I'll be leaving somewhere around four, so if you're not awake, feel free to help yourself to something to eat. I really need to get some sleep as well," Ferris explained. "The bathroom is through there, at the end of the hall opposite the kitchen," he made a gesture to the hallway and Kay nodded.
Kay was so tired that, by the time his words of thanks had escaped his lips, Ferris had already disappeared through the archway. Instead of staying awake, Kay allowed himself to kick off his shoes and settle down on the couch, using his arms as a pillow.
He knew what he was giving up – the easy luxury of living at home – but this was worth so much more. Or it would be, once he found somewhere of his own.
-*-
London was jerking awake every few minutes, having heard nothing from Kay since they'd spoken on the phone. Had Ferris agreed to let him stay? Or was Kay alone in some hotel in the middle of nowhere? London knew he had early classes in the morning, and the bedside clock already read 3:02am, but London couldn't help but try and force himself to stay awake. He had to know that Kay was fine.
By the time the clock read 3:06am, London was asleep, phone still in his hand as he waited for the call.