Book: The Spare
Author: chronic_dreamer
Review Type: Beginning
Chapter One
• Your hook is in the middle between absolutely catching and boring. I'd say it's alright though, because you still have the rest of the page to hook your reader.
• Dialog tags always are lowercased(not counting when it starts with a name or "I" though). So "She sang" should be "she sang".
• Whenever someone speaks, it's a new paragraph. That might seem like a lot of short paragraphs, but that's the rule. Trust me, it may look weird to you but it won't look weird to the reader. Don't fear short paragraphs, because you can build off of them.
• When you end dialog but include a dialog tag(she said, he teased, etc.), always end the dialog with a comma, not a period. That's why the dialog tag is lowercased(although it still should be lowercased when you end dialog with a ! or a ?). So it should be: "were dismayed that you wouldn't be at breakfast," he teased.
• "Her motions fluid and graceful even slowed by age". For clarity, make it "Her motions fluid and graceful, even though they were slowed by age."
• All dialog tags are lowercased! Even when it's "the room chanted."
• You are correct, when it's an action(movement) instead of a dialog tag(which is the way someone said something) you end the dialog with a period. So when someone smiles, you end the dialog with a period, which you did. Good job!
• When Cerys adds "and full names" it shouldn't be a new paragraph. Instead, put in between her two dialogs something like "I paused" and then put the "and full names" in the same paragraph with it.
• Cerys almost crying about her little brother is too fast. Don't get me wrong, obviously she's going to mourn her brother, but she can't go from happy to suddenly crying. Unless he recently died, which then she shouldn't be able to say it so easily. My advice would be for her to close her eyes after the room gasps, and then will herself to not cry. Make it slower, in more sentences, so it's not as sudden.
• Isn't that whole story a bit much to tell in front of everyone? Especially since it seems to be more of a family secret? Now it will be royal news? My suggestion would be for her to think most of those in-depth thoughts, and only say small parts out loud. That's extreme detail for a bunch of girls who are strangers to her. Or you could have her run out and only tell Madame it. You don't need the excessive detail to all be out loud, it's a bit much.
• When Esmae introduces her name, don't put her name right after in the next sentence. Change it to "she blushed and ducked her head" instead of saying "Esmae blushed".
• Good last sentence for the chapter! It's intriguing, fitting, dramatic and perfect!
Chapter Two
• Don't have Madame list out all the times. Instead have her say "you all know your schedules?" or something like that. All the numbers don't look good in a story.
• "a voice whispered" not "A voice whispered".
• Woah woah woah. She has a boyfriend?? I did not see that coming.
• Don't suddenly change to present tense when they're talking about her eyes. Not unless she's remembering that that's how their conversation always goes. Change it to "he said" instead of "he'd say".
• Also, about the eyes conversation—don't say she'd disagree, then have her actually disagree. You don't need both. Either skip her dialog and just say she disagreed, or delete the "and I'd disagree".
• That whole paragraph with the eye conversation needs work. First, it should be like five paragraphs, because of the switching dialog. Also, end dialog sentences with a period! The sentence spoken before he kisses her should end the with a period. Then put "And then he'd kiss me silly."
• Beautiful paragraph describing his brown eyes.
• Stop making her cry so easily. People don't cry that easily. She shouldn't already have glassy eyes after one sentence. Her mind should be reeling, but she shouldn't be teary-eyed yet.
• "I sighed" isn't a dialog tag, so her dialog("I should eat") should end with a period.
* Even though his dialog about walking her to the kitchen ends with a question mark, his dialog tag should still be lowercased: "he offered" not "He offered".
• You don't need to repeat Carmen's line in italics, because it was literally just said and she immediately commented on that. You can have it echo through her head like that later, but not right away. Delete that sentence, it's not needed and adds nothing.
• Don't end the section with "and suddenly I was on stage". That seems like younger writing. Just say they hugged, and she was nervous or something. You don't need to actually say she was suddenly on stage, the start of the next section clearly defines that for us. Trust me, it's not needed.
• I like the metaphor of the applause and audience being a beast and feeding off her energy. It's excellently written.
• Don't italicize Cerys's whisper to Malcolm on stage. It's unneeded, and just not how grammar in stories work.
• Even with short dialog sentences, they are still supposed to be in separate paragraphs.
• "Silently telling me it was going to be okay" seems out of place. Why not "silently telling me that I could do it." "Okay" makes it seem like she's scared or deeply worried. Yes, she's worried, as we see in the next sentence, but it's still out of place since there's nothing previous alluding to the fact that she's nervous. If you want to keep the line, have her get nervous as they're walking on stage before he gives her the silent look. (This is during their curtain call, by the way.)
• Who's sitting behind her family? It cuts off, implying there's someone else there but her whole family is accounted for. If there's someone we have yet to know behind there and it's supposed to be foreshadowing, keep it. If there's no one else there or no one relevant, just end the sentence.
• Instead of the sentence being in past tense when she mentions how Spencer mouthed "I love you" put it in present tense. It will read better. And her heart could still be hammering before he does that, because the exhilaration of being on stage and such.
• At the moment, I'm not seeing how this chapter was needed. You want to show us her dance background, sure, but is this necessary in the long run? I don't know yet, that's up to you. From the eight chapters I read, I would say it's unneeded and should be cut. You can easily mention her dancing in shows in passing, and present Esmae later on saying that they're already friends. Find a different part to include the information about her brother.
Chapter Three
• Instead of the dad looking at the mom with "eager eyes" why not "expectant eyes"? Eager seems like he's excited for what's going to be said, while expectant just relates that he wants the mom to say it.
• After an ellipses(...) the word is lowercased. So it should be "Well... what is it?"
• Don't put "I wondered" after she asks "well what is it?" Delete the "I wondered" and start with the "I painted on a smile". We already know she wondered, based on her dialog.
• Try to avoid repeating words in the same sentence or in sentences next to each other. You don't have it bad anywhere, just a tip maybe to look for when editing.
• Change "my input, or ideas, or skill set" to "my input, ideas or skill set". The extra "or" is unneeded, we already know there's an "or" between all the words from the last "or".
• The whole thing how she can read other people's body language because people never tell her anything is very good. It's a cool idea, and I'd advise you to use that. Take it and run with it, include it in most or all of her conversations. It's a unique character thing that you shouldn't just drop.
• "Cal blurted, looking sorry for me for once" is worded weirdly. Try, "Cal blurted. For once, he actually looked sorry for me."
• "An arranged marriage," Cal agreed. NOT "An arranged marriage." Cal agreed. "Cal agreed" is a continuation of the sentence, therefore the dialogue ends with a comma.
• The sentence about princesses of Illéa being handed off to foreign princes and her sisters not thinking it would happen to them: it's a good sentence, but it's missing something. "But since no princesses had been born before my sisters and I" needs something. Are we talking born in their generation? Or in the last fifty years? I'd suggest writing something like "But since no princesses had been born in the last thirty years, my sisters and I" and continue the sentence. Leaving it as it is warrants confusion. You just said princesses had frequently been arranged weddings, but none had been born before her sisters? Contradiction.
• Don't end a paragraph with a comma!! I know there's a tendency for people to do that when it's dialog, but you still don't do that. End it with a period. Trust me, that's how it works.
• Too many people are "shifting". Put in some other adjectives. There's tons of stuff online that you could look up for "actions done when uncomfortable". Try to avoid using the same action repeatedly, like Cal and August Illéa are doing.
• I suspected Spencer and Cerys were going to end up in an arranged marriage, based off the description, but why? Where's the plot? I know we're only third chapter, but there's no stakes or intrigue right now. Hopefully this picks up quick.
• Try to veer away from describing people's eyes. Most people don't know each other's eye colours, and you don't regularly think about/recognize the colour when you see them. When Spencer and Cerys are talking about each other's eyes it works, because they're close(physically and relationship-wise). But otherwise, avoid describing the eyes unless they're close to each other, and staring right into their eyes.
• Don't double the punctuation! Instead of: I used to chant, 'Calix is the Heir, Cerise is the Spare!'. Get rid of the period. The exclamation mark suffices as your ending punctuation, and keep the single quotation mark on the outside of the exclamation mark where it is.
Chapter Four:
• "Mom smiled again, her eyes the exact shade of her gown." Thats not quite the right way to insert the description of her eyes. Try something like "Mom smiled again. The smile lit up her eyes, which were the exact shade of her gown."
• Italicize "each other" at the end of the big italicized paragraph of her thoughts. I know that if you want something emphasized when the writing as a whole is italicized you just un-italicize it, but "each other" has no reason to be given emphasis.
• I like how the mom wears sneakers. That was a good down-to-earth attribute to add to the mom's character. We don't usually get to see normal things applied to the queen or king as parents.
• "At the mercy of whoever-it-was' traffic light cycles." That line is confusing. I presume you're saying she's at the mercy of whoever designed the traffic light cycles, so phrase it more like I just did. The way you have it is confusing.
• "Hey Cer!" my sister called. NOT "Hey Cer!" My sister called.
• You can't suddenly call Celeste "Birdy" with no preface to it. You need to say something like "Birdy—her given nickname—" or just only use the nickname in dialogue. As a whole try to avoid nicknames in thoughts and descriptions.
• Avoid saying people's voices are raspy, because it automatically gives the reader a perception of the character. When I hear raspy I think of an older person, or someone who's severely dehydrated. I know you used raspy because you wanted an excuse to tell us about Caroline's activities, but might I suggest instead commenting on how she looked well-rested or calm, from painting flowers and writing poetry.
• "Driven me into a rage before by breathing" change to "driven me into a rage before just by breathing."
• I like that description, how Cal looked like a future ruler and her sisters just played dress up. I like that a lot.
• That was a very good description of Cerise's place as a princess in the world, and how she's become an advisor.
• Periods when there's no dialogue tag! So when she says "Lord Spencer" it should end with a period not a comma.
• Haha I liked the way the chapter ended. But try to put more description in your chapters of the room around them. Are the carpets plush and purple? Or is it marble white tiles? Did the doors swing open dramatically when Spencer entered? And did he enter alone, because that doesn't seem right. Are there guards by the doors, a couch to the side? These are all important things to think about to give your reader a surrounding imagery.
Chapter Five:
• Six months is quite a jump. I hope it's justified.
• Remember, it's a new paragraph whenever someone new speaks.
• "I love that, Spen" and "You're such a window shopper, Spen" are back to back dialogue. People don't use nicknames that often. Delete the nickname in one of the sentences(I'd suggest the first).
• Aaaaand she said his name again. People really don't say each other's names in dialogue that much. Please use it very very very sparingly, as in delete the next time(after the dialog I mentioned in the above point) she says (out loud) Spencer.
• Comparing her freedom/living in a birdcage to Button just took the emotion out of what she was saying. Don't compare it to how she treats her dog. Don't do it. Or, if you're going to do it, follow through. Tell us how her parents are the owner and she's the dog, only let out when convenient. That follows through with it, and sustains the emotion.
• Honestly this chapter wasn't needed either. I like the scene with Spencer and Cerise, but couldn't you include it in a smaller, more summarized fashion within another chapter? Don't include things that don't add to the story. I only point this out because the introduction to chapter six gives us a perfect transition of a timeskip. The "six months later" isn't needed if you just use the intro to chapter six instead. Then you could include the (eloquent) summarization of chapter five at the beginning of six.
Chapter Six:
• The intro's nice, and a smooth way to explain a timeskip.
• Cal and Cerise's conversation... doesn't make sense. How did it go from saying "if it weren't for you" to her saying "what do you want?" It's not a fluid conversation and I'd rework it.
• Cerise's hands being vastly different is weird. Are people's hands really so different? Maybe say both of her hands had glossy polish, and smooth skin, but the nails were bitten down and the skin covered in doodles. That would come across better, instead of her right hand being a polar opposite to her left hand.
• Refrain from describing eyes too much. There's more to people's appearances than just their eyes and hair colour—pale skin, darker skin, curly hair or straight hair, upturned nose, crooked nose, wide forehead, dry skin, smile wrinkles, thin lips, defined cheekbones, lean, thin, wide, curvy, chubby.
• Okay, where are the stakes? She had a boyfriend, and then got an arranged marriage only for him to be the one she marries. She's an advisor, has good friendships. There are absolutely no issues! Where are the stakes?? Six chapters is too much for introductions. The plot needed to pick up awhile ago, or else people put down the book. It's taking too long. Most of this you could've made backstory and started with chapter five. You need problems sooner!
Chapter Seven:
• When you split up the same person's dialog into multiple paragraphs, each paragraph still starts with a quotation mark. You don't have to end it with a quotation mark though, unless that's the end of their dialog.
• The split-up short scenes are choppy. I'd suggest for this chapter, start Cerise off in the gala. Have her describe her gown there, maybe remember Carmen chasing her around her room, then meet Spencer, and then he's proposing. We don't need another scene of Carmen wrestling with Cerise. It also would make the transition to the proposal smooth, and more cohesive as an entire chapter.
• Sweet chapter, but where are the problems? The drama! The suspense! The fear! I'm not getting any of it. So far it's just been meaningless fluff.
Chapter Eight:
• I like the aesthetic pictures on the top of each chapter.
• I loved Cerise telling off Adviser Harley. But be careful with that large paragraph of hers that it doesn't become confusing. Because the clearer she is, the better it comes across and the more awesome she is.
Overall
• I love the character collage/aesthetics/pictures in the Characters chapter. They're really well done and beautiful.
• The cover: I don't know if you created it, or someone else did, but here's a small note about it—it's too busy. The colours and pictures and the collage as a whole is beautiful, it's just a bit busy for a cover. But it's also fifteen times better than just a title hastily smacked on the first picture you found online. I'd keep it unless you're big into designing your own covers.
• Her handmaid/lady-in-waiting I don't remember which one you called it—Carmen. I'd suggest changing her name. You already have all of the Schreave siblings with a first name starting with "C". Carmen just makes it too much.
• As I've mentioned before—where's the problems? Where's the issues? You should be introducing a hint of these in chapter one or two, and they should be the centre of focus of at least, very nearly centre focused, at this point. Even her problem of being "the Spare" isn't really a problem. Add drama, add issues, or else it gets boring and the reader starts to ask "why am I reading this?"
⭐️ I loved the idea and the writing, just be careful to make sure there's a dynamic plot. And to improve your writing, just keep writing, and reading! The more you write the better your writing gets.
~Happy writing!~