Anxiously he scratches his head, almost hoping the tips of his fingernails would dug into his skull and ruin his brain enough for him to actually die. To die from a sort of lobotomy would be a lot more appealing than what he had ahead of him.
Connor Walsh was a confident young man. He was popular along his co-workers and fellow students, he was handsome, successful. Connor Walsh was the typical young man who had everything going for him.
However, just like with any other person who seemed to have it all, there was a lot under the surface. Like his fear of water and heights, like his obsessive behavior with his facial hair and how not even a single hair could be in the wrong place and like his insecurities with real emotions.
He had always been surrounded by friends, his schedule had always been busy and he was never around much. If you wanted to meet him you'd have to be prepared for that he might not have the time to do so in a week or two and Connor was more than pleased with that. It meant him never being vulnerable. It meant him never being home for his father's beating and his mother's tears. It meant him closing his eyes to not being accepted as who he was at home and it meant everybody believing he was doing really good when in fact it was a real good act.
His act had been going strong until one day he had to get information out of a hacker. It wasn't just any hacker it turned out. It was a gorgeous, self-conscious man who gave him the information when he feared Connor being bored with him. He saw something of himself in the man. The same fear of not being accepted, not being loved, not being good enough.
Connor had went home with the man that night, believing it was only sex as he did. The entire plan was for it to be only sex. It wouldn't be the first time and Connor doubted it would be the last. However, when he was supposed to sneak out in the middle of the night after the other man had fallen asleep he realized how comfortable he was in that bed and he felt strangely good when he woke up with his arms around the other man.
He had promised to take him out to dinner that night. Of course he hadn't. He hadn't meant to stand him up, but it was just Connor's nature. Anything that even could mean something good for him he would screw up somehow.
He showed up at h is doorstep late that night, with a bag of take out food and hoping he'd be forgiven. He wasn't, not at first, but the part of the other man that made him question everything about himself seemed to cave in just before the rest of him did. They never ate the take out food, but they had crazy good sex instead.
That was their dance. Connor messed up, brought take out, they had sex. The take out never got eaten, at least not as far as Connor knew.
However, somewhere in the whole being comfortable with something that wasn't supposed to be real that's exactly what it got. It got real and it scared him beyond anything. Here he was vulnerable again and though he didn't seem like the classical heartbreaker-type you could just never know for certain.
Of course he knew today. Well, partly at least. Today it was exactly half a year since he'd been standing outside his door the last time with that anxiety in the pit of his stomach. It hadn't been the last time he had been afraid that he wouldn't be enough for his boyfriend. It hadn't been the last time he had been afraid that he would come to the realization that he could do better than Connor.
It hadn't happened though. He felt a pair of arms around him and he felt a pair of lips on his shoulder.
“Come on, Connor, don't be nervous. I love you”
Connor smiled every time Oliver uttered the words that he loved him. He didn't have a choice but to do so, nor did he want to. Those words made him feel just as good as multiple orgasms did, and boy did he love those orgasms. He shifted slightly, moving his weight over to the other foot.
“I'm not nervous.” He tried to keep up a brave face, but he knew Oliver saw right through it.
“It's okay to be nervous. Come on, it'll be fine” he encouraged before he pulled him with him up to the door to knock on it. Each one felt like someone banging the drums in Connor's head and he swallowed hard when he saw the door handle move before the door opened.
“Oh my god, Oli!” The asian woman who opened the door stepped forward to wrap his arms around Oliver and she held him close before she pulled back to smile at Connor. He tried to force a smile in order not to be rude, but he wasn't sure if he was actually smiling or making a random face at her. No matter what he did she smiled at him before she showed with her hand for the both of them to step inside and Connor tried to feel like he wasn't walking towards his death.
“She's nice” he whispered and Oliver chuckled at him. “It's my mom, of course she's nice. She won't bite, you know” he assured him as they stepped inside. Connor took the moment to glance around at once. He had expected this really old fashioned décor, like the ones old people had in movies, but she seemed to have good taste and somehow that calmed Connor down a bit. Maybe she wasn't one of those older people who would give you candy and bore you to death and maybe she wasn't the type of older person who would judge you.
“I'm so glad to finally meet you, Connor” the woman smiled once they reached the living room. “Please, have a seat.” Oliver had a seat in the couch and Oliver followed his example.
“Oliver, why don't you go make us some coffee and get us something to eat to it?” the woman asked and Oliver nodded. Connor grabbed his hand in a state of sudden panic, but Oliver's reassuring smile made him let go. Right, it'd be okay. Of course it would be okay.
Oliver left for the kitchen and it didn't take many seconds before the woman's smile was directed straight on Connor instead.
“You know, Oliver talks a lot of good things about you” she said and Connor nodded mutely before he forced his voice to function.
“I'm glad. Mrs Hampton” he said and she smiled at him. ”Oh, call me June” she smiled as she studied him.
”Why are you so nervous?” she asked with a warm voice and that threw Connor off guard. He hadn't expected that question at all. In fact he didn't expect for his nerves to be so see through.
”I don't really do parents” Connor answered honestly, not wanting to be caught lying.
”And why is that?”
”I just... I don't know. Busy, I guess. I uh... I really care for Oliver, you know...”
”I know” she smiled as she watched him. ”He's crazy in love with you, you know. I'm really glad he found someone like you. I can see that you care”
Connor felt bad for being such bad news for the woman's son and still hearing her say how happy she was they had found each other, but he couldn't do anything but to agree. He was happy too. He was madly in love with Oliver and at the moment he couldn't picture a world without him.
They spoke about Oliver and his childhood until Oliver actually stepped into the room.
“What's up?” he asked with a confused face. “Mom... What are you doing?” he asked and Connor figured that mischievous look in the woman's face spoke enough.
“I'm so glad that I have you, you know” Connor said out of nowhere and took Oliver's hand to tug him down in the couch next to him.
The rest of the evening had basically flown by. They had laughed, they had looked in Oliver's old baby books and through the photos of him as a chubby little baby though Oliver had tried everything in his power to get his mother and boyfriend on other thoughts. Once they left Oliver tried to act like he was upset and he kept pouting at Connor who just laughed before he nibbled at his bottom lip until Oliver seemed to give up and give in to the kiss.
“I love you, Oliver” Connor said once he pulled back enough from his lips to speak. He ran his hands along his cheek before he wrapped his arms around him to hold him and he smiled goofily as he held his eyes on him, refusing to let go of him with his eyes.
“Wait, what?” Oliver asked, seeming uncomfortable with this. “Do I have something in my face?” he asked. Connor just smiled wider which made Oliver seem even more insecure. “Seriously, what's wrong with my face?” he asked. “Stop looking at me”
“I don't want to” Connor objected. Oliver's shyness and insecurities just made him so much more beautiful. He was perfection in Connor's eyes.
“Why not?” Oliver asked, sounding slightly uncomfortable but Connor knew it was because of him being shy.
“I love you” Connor said, stroking his arm softly. “I really do. I just want to be around you all the time”
“You need me to be around” Oliver said with a teasing hint in his voice. “Don't you? I mean how else would you do your job and how else would you know how to work a computer?”
Connor grinned some at that. “I could hire someone” he stated, his arms back at Oliver's back to stroke it.
“Come on, let's go home”
“To your place or mine?” Oliver asked as he smiled at his boyfriend in that way that made Connor's knees weak.
“How about ours?” Connor asked and Oliver watched him confused.
“Why don't we sell one place and call the other one ours?”
Oliver's eyes widened at that. “You want to move in with me?”
“Like you said, I need you around” Connor smiled before he kissed him again.