Chapter 16
I came home from work on the third afternoon to see Micah sitting on the couch with Bryan, crying on his shoulder. When he looked up, Bryan let him go. Micah ran to hug me, and I knew that something had gone terribly wrong. I asked, “What happened?”
“Nann's dead. She died this morning at the hospital. We have to go back to Texas. I can't do this without you, Tabs. She'd have wanted you there, anyway.” Micah said, his voice trembling.
“Micah, there was no way you were going to be able to stop me.” I said, my own tears of grief choking me and making my voice watery. We were on the next flight out, Bryan traveling with us. As soon as we landed, I was on the phone, dialing Jared's number.
“What do you want, Tabitha?” Jared asked. I was glad that he at least answered his phone, and he did not sound happy to be on the phone with me. I deserved it, and I knew as much.
“I'm sorry for everything, I didn't mean to be this mean or thoughtless to you. I love you, too. I want to be with you, but I'm in Texas at the moment.”
“Why?” Jared asked.
“Micah's grandmother's funeral. I'm sorry I didn't call you before we left, but I just got here. I needed to talk to you.” I explained. I realized then that I did love him, just not as much as Colin and not in the same way as Chris. I'd learn to live with it, and stop comparing Jared to my previous loves.
“Alright, doll. Give Micah my condolences. We'll talk more when you get back.” Jared said, still sounding just a bit irritated with me, though the relief in his voice was audible. We exchanged “I love you's", and “goodbyes”, then hung up with the promise of calling each other later on.
As soon as we left the airport, we went straight to the funeral home. Micah and I were a bit distraught to see that it was the same funeral home that had once hosted services for both Adam and Seth. Bryan gave both of us comforting hugs, and he seemed to know that this would be his job for the duration of the trip.
We spent the remainder of the evening making funeral arrangements, and it was only then that I realized that Micah was the only relative of Nann's that was present. It was all left to him to take care of his grandmother's arrangements, and I was glad that I'd come with him, because we were both overwhelmed by this task.
We spent the night in Nann's house, and I don't think any of us slept for more than a few minutes. I could hear Micah crying in the next room for the majority of the night, and I wished that I had brought Jared with me so it didn't feel so lonely in this room that I'd once called mine. Nann had never changed a thing about either Micah's room, or mine. I could feel Micah's loss and it only seemed to reflect and magnify my own.
The following morning, the funeral home was full of people when we got there. Micah and Bryan went to speak with the mortician about Nann's burial outfit and the makeup she would be wearing, and I stayed upstairs, looking at coffins for sale. I looked over to the steel blue coffin with the ivory liner that we had picked the night before, and I began to study the picture embroidered into the cloth of the lid. A still, serene lake surrounded by various evergreens and shrubs. It was very Nann, and I couldn't help but smile at the thought.
“Come here often?”
I spun around to see who was speaking to me and my heart froze in my chest. Colin was standing in the doorway watching me, and when our eyes locked, every minute that had passed since we'd last seen each other melted away. I was rendered completely speechless by the mere sight of him.
“What are you doing here?” I asked after a long moment, completely forgetting for a moment the he was one of Nann's kids, too. We all were.
“That's kinda mean, Tabs. I loved Nann, too.” Colin said quietly, and I wanted to throw my arms around him to take back the hurt that my words had just caused him. Then I remembered Jared, and how he'd waited nearly two years for me. I may have been thoughtless, even selfish at times, but I couldn't add heartless to the list.
“Sorry. I just didn't expect you to come.”
“I'm not that far out of touch, babe. I've gotten better about doing the right thing over the last few years.”
“I didn't mean anything by it.” I said, feeling terrible for saying anything in the first place. I couldn't bear the silence, so I asked him, “How have you been?”
“Breathing. Sober. You?” Colin said, the anguish in his expression ripping my heart out. I still had no immunity to him, even after five years of separation.
“In school. Dating.”I said quietly, knowing the reaction before it even came.
“Really? Well, first me, then Chris and now, who is it?”
“His name's Jared, you don't know him.”
“Jared Madorith, yeah I do know him.”
“How is that even possible?” I was beyond floored.
“His band did some work on a movie I worked on about six months ago. We got along great until one night when he started telling me all about his girl and how amazing she was. And then he gets serious and tells me that it's you, and that he felt bad because we'd become such good friends. I haven't talked to him since, but I would assume that you have.”
I remembered earlier in the year, Jared had left for a little over a week with his band. They'd gone to do a cameo in a movie after the director had been in town and caught one of their shows. Jared had left talking about exposure and publicity, and had come back seeming withdrawn and distant for a long while after that. And now I knew why. Jared had never said anything about meeting Colin, and I wasn't sure if I loved him or hated him for it.
“Well, Jared didn't deserve to have you ignore him, no matter how much you hate me.” I said, feeling a waspish sting of protectiveness toward Jared.
“Hate you? I've never hated you, I love you. I just can't help that it stings a little to know that your taste in men is the same as my taste in friends.”Colin spoke in a hoarse voice that I scarcely recognized.
“I'm sorry. I never intended for it to hurt you, but I had to move on. How did you know about Chris?” I asked, the thought just dawning on me.
“He's right outside. I still haven't decided whether or not to stop being friends with him.” Colin joked in a half-hearted manner. He rubbed his eyes before looking at me again, and I walked forward, wrapping my arms around his chest before I could stop myself. I couldn't stand to see him like this, even now. I wanted it to go back to when we were just friends and life was easy. But even then I knew that was a fool's hope.
“I'm sorry for everything, but Chris and I didn't know at first, and we never meant you any harm. This isn't the place, anyway.” I said, trying to ease as much pain as I could while reminding him what we were all here for anyway.
When I stepped back, his face had completely cleared, and with one hard swallow, he appeared perfectly fine. I realized then just how good of an actor he really was. By the time we left the room, you'd have had to have known us to see that we'd ever been anything more than close friends.
I saw Chris almost an hour later, and he kept as much distance from me as possible. I supposed it was for the best, but it still caused my temper to flair for a bit. I noticed with no small amount of satisfaction that Audrey Scott was nowhere to be found.
The wake was that evening, and her burial was scheduled for the next morning. Micah and I spoke with all of Nann's friends and the few relatives that ended up coming. The following morning, the number of people nearly doubled, and the funeral was carried off without a hitch. One of Micah's great-aunts hosted a party afterward, but Micah, Bryan and I went back to Nann's.
“Tabs, get ready. We're going to dinner with some friends. We all need a break from this house, sweetie.” Micah said when we got in from the funeral. Bryan was already changing, and Micah was tugging at his tie as he spoke. I got changed and threw on some fresh make up, not really sure which friends we were going to dinner with, praying that it wasn't the two I'd been avoiding all day.
Colin and Chris rode up a few hours later, riding together in the Porsche that Colin was apparently driving now. I told Micah I felt ill and couldn't go, and he just pushed me toward the front door, apparently determined for me to face the ghosts of romances past. I hated Micah yet again.
“Why are you doing this to me?” I asked as he pushed me toward Colin's car. Micah laughed a bit as we stepped forward.
“Because, Tabs. This is my circle, and I'm tired of it being broken. So we're fixing this together. I need my friends, and you’re my best. I need you to help me.”
Micah looked so sad and serious that my anger dissolved. I got into the backseat with him and Bryan, feeling like a damn fool as soon as Micah became all smiles again. Colin wasn’t the only actor present.
We went to dinner at one of the nicest Italian places in town, and somehow, Micah arranged it so that we were sitting in a booth and I was wedged between Colin and Chris for the duration. I spent the entire meal glaring daggers at Micah, avoiding physical contact with the men on either side of me, and drinking until I looked as silly as I felt.
“You know what Micah? I know what you're doing. And you can bite me. You meddle in thing’s you should keep your nose out of,” I said, a bit too loud for the atmosphere. Looking back, I realize that was the moment when I'd finally drowned my social filter in booze. I was leaning on Colin's shoulder and had my left arm slung around Chris by this point.
“And Bryan. I like you, but you're too quiet. You kinda freak me out when you just sit there and don't talk. Like right now. It's weird!” I said this a bit louder, my speech building momentum as I went.
“Alright, Tabs. Bring it back down a bit.” Colin whispered in my ear, trying to be discreet. I looked at him with a comically outraged expression on my face.
“Oh, and you! You! You're like, you're like a mental patient! It's like thirty different people are bouncing around in your head and I never know which one I'm talking to. I never know if it's happy Colin, or sad Colin, or psychotic Colin! I never know!”
Micah nearly fell under the table, he was laughing so hard, and Bryan just gaped at me, staring in his disbelief. Chris stoically awaited his turn, which came next.
“And you dear, dear, sweet Chris. My darling. You left me for his old prom date! Which by the way, where is the prom queen? I've noticed the lack of any girl with you actually. What happened, big dog? You lost your mojo?” I laughed, and then I noticed the manager of the restaurant coming toward us.
“Ohh, shh. Here comes the fuzz.” I joked, and everyone at the table looked at me with the same shocked expression that Bryan had worn earlier, and we all burst into fits of laughter. The manager told us to keep it down that first time, but an hour later, he told us to leave.
Colin drove us back to Nann's, and at one point he made a joke about me vomiting in his car, telling me he'd never forgive me for it.
“I should, you know! You remember that time you came home and puked all over me? That was my seventeenth birthday! I owe you for that one!” I yelled, my voice bouncing around the interior of the car, hurting the ears of everyone else.
“Radio, anyone?”Chris asked from the passenger seat, turning the volume up until the music drowned me out. We rode the remaining six blocks like that, with me singing at the top of my lungs the entire way. Micah pulled me out of the car and poured me into bed, then spent the rest of the evening with the other three playing their own loud and obnoxious card game. By the time I finally passed out for the night, they sounded as drunk as I was.
I woke up the next morning to find everyone passed out in the den. I stepped outside long enough to call and check in with Jared, then stepped back inside to find all four of them waking up. I muttered curses when I didn't make it back to my room before hearing my name.
“Tabs, come here,” Colin called for me with a bit more sternness. He was walking into my room before I even had a chance to close the door behind me. I should have known that pretending to not hear him wasn't going to work.
“What, Colin? I'm sorry about last night, but I'm really in no mood.” I said impatiently. I felt sick and weak, and his close proximity was not helping matters. I looked at my bed longingly, wishing I'd never left it in the first place. He must have seen the look on my face, because it was a moment later when he nudged me toward the bed. I let myself be led until he moved to sit next to me, and every alarm in my head suddenly went off.
“I'm not worried about what you said, most of it was completely true. Bryan really is too quiet.” Colin laughed, putting me a bit at ease. Then he ruined it by saying, “What worries me is how much you were drinking last night. You reminded me of, well. . . Me. Has that become like, a habit, or was last night just a once in a while sort of thing?”
“You, of all people? Really?” I asked, offended that he'd actually think that I had a drinking problem. He rolled his eyes at me, nodding as he spoke.
“Yeah, really. Me. I've been there, you left me over it, remember? I did six months in rehab after you left, and aside from a drink or two every now and then when the occasion calls for it, I've been sober for over three years now. I just don't want this to be a problem for you.”
“Well, it isn't. It was just a bit too much last night, and I'm sorry. But come on, it was just a few too many. I don't have a problem,” I said. I noticed that I actually felt a little embarrassed that Colin had to be the one to tell me I was going overboard. He hugged me and I felt better, but that little piece of me that still lived on for him cried out for more. I moved back to a safer distance, thinking of Jared.
“That's good to hear. On another note, I thought you should know that Chris and I have decided to be friends still. Last night kinda solidified that for us. Thank you for that.”
“Wait, first you think I have a problem, and now you're thanking me for last night?” I was so confused.
“Well, yeah. It's been a long time since any of us have laughed that hard. Come on, ride with me to go get some food. I don't feel like going by myself.”Colin pulled me up from the bed, smiling at me in that careless way that made me fall in love with him in the first place.
“Let me get dressed, first.” I said, shoving him out of my room so I could change. We ended up at Shipley's donuts, an old hang out when we were all kids. Colin ordered five of everything on the menu, causing the girl working the register to gape at him as he rattled off the order.
“Is this a joke?”The girl asked disbelievingly.
“No. Hungover and hungry. How much?” Colin asked, pulling out his wallet and handing her one of the many cards that lined it. The girl's eyes popped open as she read the name on the card, but she didn't say anything as she completed the transaction.
“Hey, you remember that time when Micah dared Seth to eat ten boxes of donuts?” Colin asked as we sat down at our old table, waiting for the order to be finished.
“Oh, yeah! And he was halfway there when Adam poked him in the ribs. He puked all over the table! Eww, it was this table,” I said, remembering that day with a clarity that surprised me. We both laughed until the thought caused too many memories of Seth and Adam to rise up. Thankfully our order was ready, and we were able to leave. We talked about the good times that we'd had as a group, and avoided memories of just the two of us. It seemed to take forever for us to get back.
Chris stopped me on the front porch, wanting to talk to me in private. I wasn't entirely sure that I wanted to hear what he had to say, but I deserved it after what I'd said to him the night before. He let me sit down before he took his seat. Colin left us alone on the porch, but there was a passing moment of irritation when he walked through the door.
“I'm sorry about the way it ended between us. I just thought that if I could get back everything would be alright. Then I met Audrey and I couldn't resist her. I felt something when I was with her, and I convinced myself that it was the same thing that I felt with you. I was wrong about that. But by the time I realized it, you didn't want to speak to me. And now both Colin and Micah tell me that there's someone else in your life, too.”
“There is,” I said, feeling distant. I hadn't realized just how much it had hurt to be rejected over the phone until we were sitting there in person. I thought about Jared and missed him, suddenly eager to be home.
“Well, I'm happy for you. I wish I hadn't screwed this up so badly. I wanted to keep you from ever feeling pain again, and I hurt you as badly as Colin did. You know, you were the best thing that ever happened to me. To all of us,” Chris spoke quietly, his voice quavering just a bit. He stood up and dashed into the house before I could say anything. I wondered if I hadn't been too hard on him, but there was nothing to be done about it now.
We spent the rest of the day saying our goodbyes and getting ready to go back home. By two the following morning, I was able to sprawl across my bed, where I didn't move for over a day.
“Tabitha, we need to talk. Wake up.”
I woke up slowly, not really wanting to, but responding to the urgency. I opened my eyes to see Jared sitting there in the afternoon light. He was holding a stack of tabloids in his lap, and he looked furious. I sat up, asking, “What's wrong?”
“Is this why you called me? Is this why you love me all of a sudden, or did this happen after that? They don't really give exact dates in these things.”
Jared threw the magazines on my bed, and on each cover was a different photo of the trip I'd just come back from. One was a picture of us at the restaurant together, when I was sprawled across Colin and Chris. The caption stated that I was a lush in the middle of a torrid love triangle.
The next one was of Colin's arm around me at Nann's funeral, and that caption stated that we were back together. The next one was of Colin and Chris carrying me out of the restaurant, with a caption that said I was having a three-way love affair and was apparently carrying one of their children. The captions only got worse from there.
“You must think I'm some phenomenally huge idiot. Seriously, Tabitha! Look, I don't want to know what happened, In fact, I don't even want to talk to you or see you for a while. I'll call you in a few weeks, when you can tell me how this is all going to play out.
“Think about this, though. This one hit you, and that one dumped you. Are you really going to throw away the only one that never hurt you?”
Jared jumped up and stormed out of the house before I could speak, and I was so outraged that I wouldn't have been able to if he had stayed. Micah found me lying across my bed when he got in from work. When I told him what had happened he went off on a two hour rant about Jared, the tabloids, and then men in general. He stayed with me through the night, letting me alternate between angry and depressed.
I threw myself into work immediately after that, having learned that sometimes the best way to deal with something is to not think about it and bury yourself in menial tasks. I spent the next ten days taking any and every shift given to me and taking every class I'd been missing, and I dodged questions about the tabloids every step of the way. Three days after that, we were sent home to prepare for hurricane Katrina. The last day before the storm hit, Micah dropped a bomb on me that I just wasn't prepared for.