"No lies or half-truths, remember? Those were the terms."
He swallowed thickly. "What do you want to know?"
The answers to that question were almost endless. There were so many things I wanted to know about him, about the things he hid away behind a wall and kept from the outside world. I wanted to know the many thoughts inside his head – to see if they were as messy as mine whenever he was near. And whether his heart thumped in his chest like mine every time we touched.
"Do you trust me, Aiden?" I asked him genuinely. "Do you really trust me?"
"I don't trust anyone." He answered, a hint of bitterness underlying in his tone.
"So, you ask that I trust you, but when I expect the same in return, you refuse? Do you realise how unfair that is?"
He informed me, "Trust is not something you give. It's something you earn."
"Have I not earned your trust?" I questioned. "Have I not given you every reason to confide in me? Have I not been there for you when you needed it most – When you were lying on the ground unable to breathe?" My heart pounded in my ears. "Do not talk to me about earning your trust."
He flinched, taken aback. He recovered quickly. "I have heard this story before, Emma. The last time I trusted someone, I got hurt! I will not make the same mistake again."
"Is that why you push me away? Why do you always find reasons to distance yourself? Because you're afraid to get hurt again?" His silence was loud. "When you do everything in your power to avoid pain, you also avoid any chance at happiness."
He turned his head away. "You have your reasons not to trust. I have mine."
"Then let's talk about them!" I insisted. I would not let him shut me out. I refused to give up on him even if he had already given up on himself. "You owe me this."
The truth was, he didn't owe me anything. I never did anything for him and expected something in return.
His profile was stiff, jaw set and eyes staring off into the wall. "I don't know how to... talk about it."
I thought for a minute. Then, "Would it help if I went first?"
He inhaled loudly and nodded once.
The room was so quiet that we could hear everything happening downstairs, from the yells and screams of strangers to the ongoing music resonating through the walls.
"A few years ago, I met a boy. He was my age and attended my school. He had light coloured hair and chocolate brown eyes. He was charming and attentive to the small details that make you feel as though he really knew you." I frowned at the memory. "No one had ever paid that kind of attention to me before, so when he took notice of me and treated me so well, I was excited. After a few months, our relationship evolved. He began to want things I'd never done before." Aiden stilled, his face turning only a fraction as he waited for me to continue. "I thought that what I felt for him..." I trailed off. "I thought he was my first love, but I'm not so sure anymore."
"What happened?" He asked quietly.
"I realised that he didn't feel the same way. All those small details were just a form of manipulation. I think he saw me as an easy target." I explained, "He was never interested in who I was. He simply cared more about the things I could give him sexually." I gnawed at the insides of my cheeks. "He was the first person I'd trusted enough to show all parts of myself. I thought I was safe with him... I cried a lot when we broke up." I admitted. "Suddenly, I had all these insecurities about myself – about my body – that I never thought of before. I never allowed anyone to touch me that way since."
Aiden turned around. His eyes had fallen against his face, encircled by dark shadows. "Did he... break your heart?"
"Yes," I said.
He leaned against the wall and slid down until his knees reached his chest. He tilted his head back and swallowed. "Thank you for telling me."
I smiled with a frown. I didn't think he'd speak for a while after what I'd told him, but he did.
"I'm not sure how it happened, but I remember the feeling of relief I felt when it did." He began, his voice fighting to stay even. "I didn't feel so... alone anymore. I thought I found someone who cared for me, someone who I could trust." He glared at the floor, his arms hanging from his knees. "I told her the worst parts about myself in hopes she'd understand me. Instead, she used them against me. She made me believe I was some kind of monster that didn't deserve anything good in the world. That I was a fuck up – a worthless thing, nobody wanted. 'You're a broken toy,' she said. And you know the funniest part?" His laugh was bitter and sarcastic. "She was right. What good do I deserve? What have I done that makes me so worthy of happiness?" His words became fast, desperate. "I tried so hard for so long that eventually, I just gave up! Everyone blames me for everything anyway, right? Myra, Lars, all my so-called friends? Everything wrong in the world is somehow my fucking fault! I am exhausted!"
My lips parted, and I inhaled sharply. Whatever front I managed to put up was torn down in a solid sweep. Every part of my heart ached at the sight of his trembling hands.
"I never wanted another relationship after that... But then I met you." He almost smiled.
He was so filled with self-hatred... He had been so desperate for someone to understand him that it ended up hurting him instead. Here, I learned that there were still things Aiden kept to himself. What were the things he told that girl? What happened to him?
"When your biggest fear is letting someone know you, you do anything you can to keep everyone away. I can't even trust that someone cares about me. I am tired of feeling numb, Emma." His body was almost lifeless. "Somehow, I manage to destroy everything I touch."
His eyes met mine.
"I'm sorry that I keep letting you down. I'm sorry that I am never good enough." His voice finally broke. "No one is sorrier than me that I keep failing...."
I started toward him, kneeling between his legs. I took his face in my hands and kissed him with everything I had. I was desperate to comfort him, to ease away some of the hurt.
His hands instantly found the back of my neck, pulling me closer into his chest. The warmth of his trembling hands set fire to my skin. Then, his tongue swept across my bottom lip and claimed it between his teeth. Then, he pulled back and let his forehead rest against mine like I was the only support he had. "I'm sorry I can't make you happy."
My fingers curled around the tips of his hair. His breath was my air. "This will never work if you keep pushing me away every time something goes wrong. Your apologies will mean nothing if you don't stand behind your words and try..." The corner of my eyes stung with tears. "Try for me. Believe in me the way I believe in you."
His thumb stroked my cheek up and down.
"I will try," He promised.