I wasn't okay.
I stared down at my open palm. I could still feel his touch. Could still feel what it had been like to have him link his fingers with mine. Warm. Soft. Gentle. So much like the real Tom that I had been torn between wanting to wrench my hand from his and not ever wanting to let go.
I was so lost in the memory that I didn't even realise anyone was talking to me until Abby waved her hand under my nose, mouthing words I could barely hear until I forced myself to wake up and focus.
'Earth to Evie,' she said. 'You getting this?'
'W-what?' I glanced over her shoulder, spotting the questioning stares of everyone as they all looked my way. I'd zoned out. Right in the middle of Taj debriefing the rest of the group about our meeting with Levi, I'd lost track of everything and instead, had found my head crowded with ghosts and guilt. 'What did you say? Sorry, I was...'
Not listening. Thinking about myself. Thinking about him.
I caught Tom's stare as he stood next to Taj. There was something about that which bothered me so much. It was as if he was suddenly Taj's right-hand man, as if he'd been one of us since the beginning, as if he was more a part of this than I was. How had this happened? How had he wormed his way in so easily?
I felt my cheeks heat with shame and my stomach flipped a spin-cycle of unease as I looked at all the people I had put in danger. My people.
'Taj was just saying how you practically had Levi eating out of your palm?' Abby said.
I balled my hands into fists and wrapped my arms around my chest as if I could curl inwards and suddenly become invisible. 'Hardly. He hasn't said yes.'
'And he hasn't said no,' Taj replied. 'I don't want to count our chickens just yet, but I reckon we've got him on side.'
He smiled, one of those brilliant mega-watt Taj smiles but I could only frown in response.
'This is Levi we're talking about,' I said. 'And anyway, even if he does agree, you heard him. He wants something out of this. It's like going into business with the bloody Devil.'
Tom's stare burrowed deeper; his lips pressed thin. Around the room, I could see a few faces dropping, hope draining. Hope was that one thing that was difficult to build, but easy to destroy. You could make it crumble with a snap of your fingers. Tumble like matchsticks, one after the other.
Taj saw it too, because he glanced at everyone, before looking back at me, his eyes reflecting his irritation. He'd come out of the meeting with Levi practically buzzing. I could almost feel the static coursing over his skin, this sense of heady anticipation at the prospect of getting Levi onside.
It's not like I didn't get it. If I had no idea who – what – Tom really was, I'd probably be thinking the exact same thing. I'd probably be like Jace – ready for something new, the chance to strike back and actually feel like we were doing something, instead of waiting for inevitable death in the Tube Tunnels. I felt their excitement. Their sense of yearning for something more. A yearning for a life beyond all this, probably a life that would never be quite the same as it once was, but one where we didn't have to live out our days hiding and running.
But the difference was, I knew the truth of it all.
How could I continue to sit back and let this happen?
A faint murmuring drifted out from the group. Doubt crept into the air, mirrored in their concerned faces, which only just moments ago had harboured the glint of a dream in their eyes.
Taj raised his hands to quieten them. 'Listen, everyone,' he said, his voice calm and showing nothing of the irritation he had directed at me. 'We all know Levi. We all know the type of man he is. The fact he even granted us an audience is something we can hold on to. It means, he's willing to listen. And he did listen. Evie is right about one thing: Levi does want something out of this. He wants leverage. He wants power. His people are not doing well. They might have the numbers, but they no longer have our strength and as they continue to lose that strength, so does Levi. If you can't protect your own people, what good are you? That's the position Levi is in right now and let me tell you, he needs us, more than we need him. Now, if we are successful – which I genuinely believe we will be – that doesn't mean Levi gets what he wants. Don't underestimate who we are and what we have achieved together.'
He glanced over at me and his expression was undecipherable. I couldn't work out if he was trying to reassure me and get me on side, or whether he wanted to throttle me. 'It might seem to some that this is like doing deals with the Devil, but Levi is no Devil. He's just a man. He's trying to survive in the New World, just as we all are. And right now, I'd say we have the higher ground. We have Tom's intel, after all.'
With my fists tightly bunched into my sides, I squeezed hard, feeling my nails dig into my palms.
If you can't protect your own people, what good are you?
What good was I?
'You're right,' I said, nodding. 'He is just a man, he's just like you and me. But it was people like you and me that destroyed this world, Taj. The Greys might have lit the touch paper, but we were the ones who let it burn. Do you honestly think he's going to do this out of the goodness of his heart? That he's somehow had some massive epiphany and found God? You think he cares one little bit about his fellow man, apart from those who reside under St. Paul's? If he agrees, and yeah, maybe he will, he's going to make demands of us. We've been fortunate so far. We've kept the supplies going the best we can. We don't look like his people do. We're well. We're relatively healthy. He's got to have noticed that and that means, whatever we have, he's going to want it. Are we really willing to risk everything just for this mission?'
Tom's mouth was open now, a picture of astonishment and his eyes, usually so blue and beautiful, were simmering with anger. Perhaps realising that people were starting to look from me to him and sensing his displeasure, he took a deep breath and gave a shaky attempt at a reassuring smile. If he looked annoyed, Taj looked positively furious.
'Evie, look...' he began, his jaw tightening, tendons in the back of his hands protruding as he clenched his hands into fists.
'Maybe she's right?' said Lenny, stepping forward. His cheeks were pinched red, those worry lines on his forehead deepening. 'That Levi is a ruthless bastard. We went to him for help and he sent us packing. He didn't want to help us then. Who's to say he isn't just going to turn us over now and take everything we have? Everything we've worked hard to salvage?'
True to form, Janey and Lewis joined in agreeing with him, and, to my surprise, so did Vik.
'Lenny's right,' he said, looking suitably embarrassed under the weight of Taj's hard stare. He cuffed his sleeve over his perspiring forehead and cleared his throat with a weak cough. 'Everything we have in the store, we've worked bloody hard to get, yeah? But it's not going to last. Every day there's less and less to scavenge out in the city. How long before it's down to the bare minimum? We can't let Levi come in here and take what we have. Maybe Evie's right? Maybe we shouldn't do this?'
The discontent and fear started out small; a tiny twisting wind, swirling around, growing, ballooning, spinning faster, stronger, until I watched it sweep through them like a tornado. I was torn between hating that I'd stripped away their hope and jubilant that they would reconsider this madness and I could thwart the Grey's plan.
Jace, who had been stood on the other side of the room, sitting back and watching events unfold - as was his way - stepped forward, raising his arms. It was stupid to hope that he was going to back me on this, I already knew what he wanted but I wasn't prepared for the way he looked at me. If I could have dug my own grave and buried myself in it right then and there, I would have.
'Wait, everyone, stop!' he said, raising his voice just enough to render them silent again. 'What's going on here? More importantly, what's going on with you, Evie?'
I stiffened, never feeling more like a deer in headlights than I did in that moment.
'You agreed to this,' he said, jabbing his finger at me. 'You stood there with the rest of us and agreed to this. Hell, you even stood in front of Levi and helped persuade him to hear us out. It's partly in thanks to you that he's even agreeing to consider this. And now you don't want to do it? Now, you don't think it's a good idea. It's too late, Evie. You can't just chop and change your mind and put the fucking frighteners on everyone now. Look what you're doing.'
Shit, he was pissed. He was seriously pissed. My chest ached. I hadn't wanted to do this. I hadn't wanted to cause so much panic, and the last thing I wanted was to lose Jace. I was picking apart the binds of our friendship day by day and all because of the Grey. All because he looked like Tom.
Except, he wasn't Tom and I needed to step up now. I needed to do something to make their faith in him waiver, and yet all I seemed to be doing was destroying their faith in me.
'L-look, Jace, I'm sorry...' I faltered, feeling overwhelmed by his anger.
'Jace is right,' Abby said, close to my side and I felt the blow of rejection from her before she even said any more. All the ones that mattered the most were falling away, a domino effect of friends lost, each tumbling one by one.
She turned to me. 'We all agreed to this. We put it to a vote. This was a group decision and you can't go against the group now.'
'I-I'm not going against the group,' I said, eyes widening. 'I'm just voicing an opinion. Since when can't we voice an opinion? Last time I checked, this wasn't a dictatorship to be ruled over by Taj or Jace or anyone for that matter.'
I looked around at them all and I saw their faces.
I saw Tom's sister Tania. I saw Monica. I saw DI Eddie McCain and his shark's grin. I saw the people at the bus stop and anyone who had stopped to stare at me as I walked past, my head down, staring at the floor and refusing to make eye contact.
Tell them, Evie. Say it now.
I forced myself to look directly at Tom. His throat undulated as he swallowed, almost as if he was trying to supress it. Who knows, maybe he was trying to supress the click-click-click of his Grey self. I willed him to do it. I willed him to finally lose control and to reveal what he really was underneath the guise of my dead husband. Then it would all finally be over.
I opened my mouth to speak, but instead it was his voice I heard, his face softening as he looked at me and around at them all.
'Everyone, please! Attacking Evie like this isn't helping,' he said, his voice loud enough for everyone to hear, but with that same Tom calmness that I knew so well. 'She's only saying what no doubt a lot of you are thinking. She's right. It's risky as Hell. Levi's group probably do want what we've got. But the chances are, if things are that bad for them, they were going to hit us at some point anyway. It was only ever going to be a matter of time. At least if he agrees to join us on the mission, there's a fighting chance he'll see we're better united than pitted against each other. If we do this, if we succeed in hitting the harvesting facility, it's the first step in our fight back.'
'To be fair, Tom mate,' Gav said, wrinkling his nose. 'When it comes to Evie here, you're a bit biased. She is your wife, after all.'
I resisted the urge to try and slam my fist into Gav's superstar face. Et tu, Brute?
Tom looked directly at me as he spoke, his eyes locked with my own.
'Yes, she is,' he said, with a strangely proud-looking smile that lit up his face. 'And she wouldn't be the Evie I know if she didn't speak her mind. But, one thing I will tell you all about my wife, is that everything she does, everything she says, comes from a good place. The best place, actually. If she has concerns, she's right to have concerns, just as she's right to voice them. She's played Devil's Advocate for me for as long as I've known her. I couldn't tell you the number of times she's talked me out of some foolhardy, madcap idea.'
He tilted his head to one side slightly, an almost wistful look in his eyes.
'She's sensible. Responsible. Level-headed. Caring. More than you could all ever know. Loyal. Kind. Loving. More than I ever deserved actually.'
I couldn't breathe. I couldn't cope with the way he was looking at me then. So much like Tom. So much like the real thing, that for a moment, it was as if none of the bad shit had ever happened.
He knew what he was doing. Of course, he did.
None of the others knew. How could they?
How could they know that he was standing there now, in front of everyone, reciting the same words he had said to all our guests on our wedding day?
I couldn't drag my gaze away from him now, even if I'd wanted to.
'Shit, mate,' Gav said, 'you're making me well up here.'
Tom chuckled, a deep warm laugh that raised a smile on people's lips. This was what he was good at. Raising a smile. Putting everyone at ease. Reading the room so well, it was as if he had some unique gift to instantly have people eating out of his hand.
'Sorry,' he laughed. 'You're right. I'm absolutely one-hundred percent biased. But if she's raising her concerns, it's only because she cares. She didn't need to say anything for me to know that you're her family. You've all become a huge part of her life while I haven't been in it. You matter. So instead of getting on her back, why don't you listen and try to work out a way we can get Levi to unite with us.'
'And if he doesn't?' Len said. 'If Evie's right?'
'Then we work out a way to get rid of Levi,' Tom replied. 'If he's going to use us to get what he wants, then we get in there first. We bring him and his people on board, and then we do whatever it takes to protect us and all that we have.'
Coldness crept down the back of my neck at his words. That definitely wasn't Tom talking. Not that the group knew that, but I could see they agreed with what he said anyway. And why not? This was the New World after all, and in the New World, you did whatever it took to stay alive. We all knew that. Even if it meant wiping out others to protect ourselves. It was cold, but it was also the reality now.
Taj was nodding, pursing his lips, his eyes narrowing as he considered what Tom had said.
'Okay,' he finally said, softly. 'Okay. I think Tom's right. An attack by Levi was probably always going to be inevitable, but we will be vigilant. We'll press ahead with the mission to hit Central Hall and we'll hit Levi just as hard if need be. Anyone have any other concerns?'
I felt the gaze of some flicker in my direction.
I was a concern. Me.
I took a breath and shoved my hands into my jean pockets, trying not to look anyone in the eye.
'So, we're agreed?' he said. 'Jace? Abby?' They both nodded.
'Evie?'
I raised my head, feeling the weight of the question and the weight of their stares pressing down so hard that I thought my legs might buckle. Tom shot me a small smile. So small, so barely-there, that for a moment I wasn't sure if I was mistaken about spotting a gleam of victory in his eyes.
'Yeah,' I said, uncertain how I was managing to force the words from my throat. They felt hard-edged, cold, like being force-fed rocks. 'Yeah. Sure.'
Tom's smile widened, just a little, turning up the corners of a mouth I'd kissed so many times that it felt like the twist of a knife in the gut to see the smirk dancing there.
'Great,' said Taj, his concerned gaze still drifting too intently over me. 'Well, I'm glad that's all cleared up then. Let's start planning this thing.'
***
I stayed for as long as I could bear afterwards, which, without a watch to go by, was probably not more than about ten minutes tops. Jace and Abby, I noticed, had said nothing to me since, but they'd gravitated towards each other, seeming to drift as far away from me as they possibly could.
The group continued without me. Talking. Coming together. Even Lena seemed to be making waves in find some inclusion into conversations.
But, me?
I was invisible. An outsider.
A greyed-out figure in a landscape to which I'd once belonged and who was now nothing but a tracing to be painted over. A pentimento.
Without wanting to look like the sore loser in a battle I had never wanted, I tried to find the right time to slip away, sticking to the edges and heading for the door. Out in the gloomy hallway, I grabbed one of the LED camping lanterns and strode away quickly, hearing the sounds of conversation die as the heavy fire-door closed behind me.
Out in the silence of the hallway, I leant my head against the wall and whimpered. This is what he had reduced me to. A whimpering, pathetic wreck, crying in the corridor, away from everyone I had come to care about, just like the same whimpering, pathetic wreck that used to stand alone in her shitty apartment, staring out the window at a world that was continuing without her in it. A world that barely even knew she still existed at all.
Cursing, I turned and headed down the corridor, until I reached the storeroom.
It wasn't locked. It never had to be. We had an understanding. An agreement that whatever supplies we found, it would be distributed evenly and fairly, and it always had.
I pushed on the handle and stepped into the small room, maybe once an office or stock room and now stacked in meticulous fashion – Vik's handiwork, of course – with everything we had ever scavenged from the ruins of London.
My eyes sought out what I had been looking for instantly, and I reached for one, before thinking again and reaching for another, tucking one wine bottle under my arm, and holding the other in my hand.
'What are you doing, Evie?'
I turned abruptly, almost dropping the bottles in the process and somehow just managing to cling on to both of them.
Tom stood in the doorway, his face solemn, his eyes soft.
'What I'm doing has got fuck all to do with you,' I replied, coldly. 'Go away. Go back to your friends. You know, the ones that you're going to kill? Go back and look them in the eyes and think about how you're going to betray them all, because that's what you do, isn't it? You look people in the eyes, and you betray them.'
'I'm not going to betray anyone.'
'Liar,' I hissed, sneering at him.
'I told you before, Evie,' he said, stepping closer and brushing back a curl that had fallen onto his forehead. 'I'm not their enemy. I'm not even your enemy, although you'd like to believe that I am. I get that. I do. But, I'm not the man you think I am.'
I scoffed at that, letting my nose wrinkle with disgust. 'Man? You're no man. You're a thing. A Grey. A fucking parasite.'
He flinched and had the audacity to even look hurt.
'I'm n-not...' he stammered. 'I'm not, I'm...'
'What?' I laughed. 'Human?'
I moved closer to him, until he was just inches away and he pressed his back against the doorframe, a flicker of uncertainty in his eyes. I let my gaze drift over that face. His face.
'You'll never be human. No matter how much you pretend. No matter how much you try to be. You'll never be anything but the animal you are, and you will never, ever be him. He would hate you. He would despise everything that you are, just like I despise you.'
Tom's mouth fell open, but no sound came out. Just a gasp of air that expired on his lips and brushed over my cheekbone. His shoulders dropped a little, his expression beaten and tired. I wasn't fooled. It was an act. Everything he did was just a poor imitation of Tom.
I shook my head at him and walked out, heading in the direction of my new room. Our room.
'Come on, Evie,' he called out. 'What do you think you're doing?'
I turned and looked at him, now a darkened figure in the hallway, almost unrecognisable in the gloom. A tracing. A pentimento for me to paint over. Erase.
'Me?' I said, waving one of the bottles in the air. 'Oh, I'm going to get very drunk. And I'm going to enjoy every fucking second of getting wasted. Maybe, if I'm lucky, I might pass out too. Anything just so I don't have to look at your face for a minute longer. Night, darling, don't wait up, yeah?'