Chapter 8
Admiration, Attraction then, Disappointment
Coming back home from school, I tossed my bag to the side and did the same thing to my shoes. Today was a bit more tiring than usual and the fact that I am feeling more empty makes me want to just lay in bed and sleep. Every time I meet this silence, and lonesome atmosphere inside the condo, I get the feeling of being stuck inside a prison. The same thing happens again and again and the feeling of wanting to feel like an alive person just appears to me like an itch. There isn't anybody that I can talk to about this and there is no way that I can reveal something like this to someone to knows me like a normal person would.
And the only way that I could see to fill this empty void is to feel a pleasure that would make me forget everything. And I know exactly what I am looking for.
It is when I turn off the lights and everything would be filled with darkness, surrounding me. It was soothing, calm and silent. Just when the relentless thoughts bombarding my brain all at the same time, I turn on my laptop and open a private window. Then, go into a website where most people fill their voids with lust.
And when I just randomly click even just a short video, it doesn't even take two minutes until my eyes are hooked and completely absorbed into the video. The voice of the woman screaming in my ears, her moans, her gasps and the way she tries so hard to contain herself makes me want to feel what she's been feeling. Whether it was a mixture of pain and pleasure, I didn't care as long as I could block all of my thoughts out of my brain.
The heat rushing from my feet to my pelvis, then my abdomen, then to my neck makes it hard to breathe. But the setting was there since I was on my way to obtain the thing that I've been desiring. A few more minutes into the video, and I wanted more than just steadily viewing and letting my imagination do its job. I wanted physical action.
As I watch the man doing his job, providing intense pleasure to the woman, I started to have this desire to imagine placing myself in the shoes of the woman experiencing the wonders of sex. As I was beginning to move, my toes curl, my limbs tense, and my stomach hardens as if I suddenly had an internal conflict with myself. New thoughts forced their way into my head.
Don't do it.
Don't hurt yourself again.
But, I did not dare to listen and did it anyway. Although I had this existing conflict, the reason that would always win is that, I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired.
And after a while that I would feel the peak of pleasure, the empty feeling returns. A warm liquid flows in between my legs, but I feel nothing. The void just became bigger. A snicker would escape my lips and I can't help but feel stupid. A feeling of despair just comes in without any warning and all of sudden, I would feel like I'm such a useless existence.
The thoughts that I so desperately tried to block became so unruly. It was like lifting the gates to the hungry wolves, whose teeth grind and impatiently runs towards their prey with nothing but a single goal. To devour.
The feeling of wanting to blame myself and wanting myself to pay for what I've done just comes in. It was like I deserved to be in pain. Then I warp into a portal of darkness and fall into a nightmare. I see things that mold my fear, things that seem to eat me out alive. I hear things that screech anger, wails of cries, and weepings that pierces me like a thousand times until I could no longer feel anything.
And when I wake up from this nightmare, I feel a stinging pain on the back of my fingers. It smelled like copper and just as I relaxed my fingers, a sharp blade falls on the floor with my blood splattering on it like small raindrops. My temples ache, bullets of sweat form at my temples, and tears running down my cheeks and down to my neck.
There was no emotion inside of me and that fact made my head ache with confusion. However, aside from being confused, I was glad for the fact that I can breathe. At least for now. However, at the background of my 'empty' feeling, there will always be guilt snickering at me as if it had won. From there, I never understood why I had it.
All of a sudden, the screen of my phone lit up from the side. I naturally picked it up and saw Jade sending me a message. From the message it says, 'Check this out.'
There was a link attached to the message and I clicked it without hesitation. The link automatically sent me to a Facebook profile of some guy that I have two mutual friends with, and is naturally Amanda and Jade. The name was Jay Daltrey and I could see that he has so many friends, pictures, and videos on his timeline. I figured, he was the guy that the two girls were telling me about. The main vocal of the band, I guess. He has black hair, round jet-black eyes, fair skin, wait, why am I inspecting how he looks like by detail? That shouldn't even matter.
Overall, he looks really good. And I could only sigh in defeat. Damn, this really good-looking guy is going to be my date and the loser me is going to go with all these? I should feel lucky but, damn it I can't even reach his level. Out of us, three siblings I'm the ugliest and that's a fact. Heck I can't even take a single decent selfie. All the guy's going to meet is a two-faced push-over with a disgusting secret hobby, which is.. well messed-up. Isn't that really unfair for him?
Oh, damn this shit. I don't know how this is going to go but, I'll have to put-up with it. At the very least, I just hope I get the chance to quietly disappear from the scene. However, judging from the way his facebook timeline looks, it seems that he's a bit carefree and likes memes. Well, I do like memes as well but, not to a certain point of sharing them. Just seeing them from time to time is enough and this is kind of worrying me because memes are not really my thing. I wonder if we'll get along but, judging by how bleak this looks I doubt it.
As I scrolled through his facebook posts, I saw an old video of him with his guitar. It seems that it was a video from going 'facebook live' from before. According to the video, it posted about four months ago. Hesitantly, I clicked the video. It started with him introducing himself in quite a friendly manner. A chuckle escaped my lips when he mentioned who seemed to be his friend and called him a bastard. But then, a few more seconds into the video and he began playing guitar.
The music was quite familiar to my ears. It was quite an unexpected choice of song.
"It's her hair and eyes today... That just simply take me away..."
As soon as he started singing, I felt a strong thump from my heart.
"And the feeling that I'm falling further in love, makes me shiver but in a good way.."
I wonder if it was his deep voice.. or the way he sings really softly. It was almost as if he was directly speaking and saying his deepest emotions to someone.
"All the times I have sat and stared.. As she thoughtfully thumbs through her hair..."
Or maybe it was because of the way he looks when he skillfully plucks the strings of his guitar. It may also be because the music coming out from his guitar just mixes so well with his voice that it evokes a certain feeling that draws me in.
"'Cause I love her with all that I am... And my voice shakes along with my hands..."
Or maybe it was because I knew and I liked the song very much. The song is "Out of my league" by Stephen Speaks and I especially love it since the song sounded really genuine. It was romantic and very deep. It simply describes how in love the singer is to a girl and every move she makes is wonderful to him. Kind of cheesy but, I really love it. But at the same time, it makes me feel and realized at the same time, how lonely I am.
"'Cause she's all that I see and she's all that I need, and I'm out of my league once again.."
This guy, Jay.. Just hearing him sing a song that I really like and have not listened to for a long time really made my heart thump. For the first time, after so long, I felt a genuine feeling of admiration but at the same time, sadness. Whoever he was singing it to, he must have loved her quite dearly.
My lonely ass is crying.
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It was Friday and already 7:30 in the evening and just as I predicted, the expected ringing of my phone actually happened. My parents are calling and requesting for a video call which I kind of declined by not turning my camera on. This made me really nervous however, seeing as this was what I have already predicted, I practiced for it. I cleared my throat and did a practice on my coughing. I pinched my nose, took the phone and answered the call.
"Eiddwen," my mom called from the other line. "Why won't turn on the camera?"
"Yes, mom?" I answered, faking sickness. I made a few fake coughs to make the situation a bit more realistic. "My eyes are quite tired, mom."
"You're sick?" she asked.
"Yeah," I replied.
"Oh no, that's not good. The fact that you're sick might affect your studies," she stated worriedly.
I would have been happier if she didn't care more about my studies than my actual health but the fact that she's worried makes me feel a bit delighted but at the same time, guilty for lying to get them to put the phone down. Regardless, it feels like I'm going to get my way out of this.
"Oh, no. I can manage," I said with a little muffled tone to make it more convincing.
"No. You get some rest. I'm just checking up on you. Make sure you take your medicine and don't forget to sleep eight hours since tomorrow is a weekend. You gotta get that cold out, okay?" she said in the usual mother tone.
"Sure, mom. Thanks," I replied. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight, " she said and hanged-up.
A scoff escaped my lips. I was actually quite happy and relieved that the nervousness left my body the moment I started acting on the call.
"Woah, that actually worked?!" I exclaimed excitedly.
Wait, why am I so happy over lying to my parents? Anyway!! It was a success! I'll be going out!
This is my first time going out without my parents knowing and even lying to them to get out. Wow, why do I feel like I can do anything?
All of a sudden, I hear my phone buzzing. From the notifications, I see Jared's name popping out and I can't help but sigh. I clicked on his name and the screen showed me my messenger app. He said, 'Are you out now?'
Why is sticking his nose to my business? It's annoying.
I replied him with a 'Not yet but, I'll be out in 30 mins.'
After a few seconds, of having sent the message, he replied instantly with a 'Be careful, okay? Don't hesitate to call me when you need something.'
I scoffed at his message as he looked more of a mom than a simple friend. Maybe he was a mother in his past life.
I typed in, 'Yes, mom. Don't worry.' and sent it to him without a second thought. He sent me a smiley face after our short conversation. I shoved my phone inside my small bag and ran towards the mirror. I took a last look on my face nervousness just suddenly kicked in.
How would he react when he sees me? I'm neither pretty nor sexy and he's.. really cool.
I sighed deeply, hanging my head low.
Why did I even look at the mirror?