Dumping Tommo's new wardrobe at his house, we both agreed to walk the rest of the way back to mine. The sun trekked its way across our backs as we wandered the streets. I tugged up my collar in fear of burning my neck. Tommo remained unfazed, hands in his pockets as he surveilled the near empty sidewalks and bustling cars. When we hit the bridge, Jenny texted to let me know dinner was fully vegetarian, lacking any form of pasta, and most likely ready by the time we got to the house.
"Can you handle a stomach filled with kale and broccoli?" I asked, glancing at Tommo over the top of my phone.
Busy looping his jacket around his waist and tying off the sleeves, he arched a brow over at me. "I'm guessing April's in charge of the menu tonight?" he replied, nodding that the food sounded fine.
"Thomas, actually." Tommo let out a surprised noise and I shrugged. "I'm guessing he's bringing Willow over tonight. I vaguely remember him mentioning they were on some weird health kick together."
Tommo laughed at that, rubbing his jaw in thought. "The things you do for love."
"I told you he's reading War and Peace now." I shook my head, typing a response back to my Aunt. "I asked him to explain what it's about the other night. Dude doesn't understand a thing."
"At least he's reading," Tommo said, thumbing the side of his nose as we crossed the road onto my street. "I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen a book in your brother's hand in my lifetime."
"Fair point," I noted, putting my phone away only to stop dead in my tracks at the sweatpants wearing figure making their way up my driveway. "Jeremy?"
Spinning on his heel, Jeremy turned. His eyebrows raised in surprise as an easy smile broke out across his face. Dropping twin plastic bags to the ground gently, he waved over at us from across the street. "Buenos noches mi amigos."
"Disgusting. Absolutely offensive. And it's not evening yet, idiot," Tommo said, shaking his head as we made our way over.
"Not my fault I all but flunked out of Spanish freshmen year," Jeremy gripped, hugging Tommo briefly before pulling me into his side. I jerked back when he ruffled my hair, earning a throaty chuckle from him. "Still not used to the short trim."
"What're you doing here?" I asked when he took a step back.
Jeremy kicked the bags by his feet, alerting me to their contents. "Mom asked if I could drop off the drinks today, worried she'd forget about them for tomorrow."
"You lug these the entire way yourself?" Tommo asked, eyeing the road dubiously at the absence of Mitchell's eyesore.
Jeremy shrugged, picking non-existent lint from his red crew-neck. "Grabbed the bus. Mitchell had 'business', which I'm pretty sure meant he was off to see his secret lady friend."
"You took public transport?" I stared, disbelieving, as Jeremy grew more uncomfortable, neck slowly growing red. "I was sure just looking at a bus would result in you getting a fine."
"You manage to keep your hands to yourself this time?" Tommo threw in and Jeremy rolled his eyes, shoving both our shoulders.
"Laugh it up while you still can," he grumbled, reclaiming the bags and hefting them over his shoulders. "Where we storing this crap?"
"Chest freezer," I said, jutting my chin over to the garage. Jeremy grunted, readjusting his grip as we walked along the front yard. Punching in the electronic combination, I waved him toward the fridge when the garage door finally raised, popping the lid open.
"Ugh, why do you own so many bags of peas?" Jeremy commented, haphazardly tossing cans and bottles on top of the frozen produce.
"Why do you act like I have a say over anything that happens in this house?" I scoffed at Jeremy, dropping the lid just as Tommo made to pull a popsicle loose from under a gallon-sized bottle of 7-Up. Herding them back onto the lawn I locked up the garage, double-checking my phone for messages. Spencer wasn't due for a break for a while so my notification screen was a little bleak, mainly just Iris' insistent commentary on the latest television show she was binging at home.
"Forgot to ask earlier but my Mom's still unsure if she's on potato salad duty for tomorrow," Tommo said in askance.
I scratched the back of my neck, slipping the phone into my pocket. "I'm pretty sure my Mom hasn't thought beyond meat, so sides are a definite welcome. Iris is bringing a Waldorf salad, whatever that is, so potato salad would be great."
"Iris?" Jeremy asked, head tilted.
"A friend," I said, adding when Jeremy's face shifted into a leering look, "Just a friend, from our English class. Iris Malt, I'm sure you've seen her around school."
"Eh, I'm better with faces than names." Jeremy shrugged, dropping the topic to pull out his own phone. I shared a look with Tommo at the cracked screen that greeted us, curious what the hell the guy did to create such damage.
"We should probably head inside before April starts the sprinkler system," I said after a while of standing in silence, jerking a thumb over my shoulder at the front door. Tommo was the first to move, peeling off the grass and toward the door. He hadn't made it further than the porch steps when Jeremy spoke up again, head still ducked over his phone.
"Hey, is it cool if I bring Jess along tomorrow?" he asked suddenly and I blinked back at him in surprise.
Tommo froze immediately, arm crashing into the step's side railing in his haste to spin around to face us.
"Jer–" he started but I waved him off, shoving my hands into my pockets when both pairs of eyes landed on me. One set cautious and wary of what I was about to say. The other mainly just bored and eager to look back at the texts blaring on their screen.
"Go for it. Dad has enough food to go around," I said, a breezy smile pasted on my lips. It didn't feel all that forced, though the edges of my mouth twitched in holding the muscles up. Tommo pressed a hand over his face, sighing into his palm until Jeremy shot him a confused look.
"She says she can bring Greta Myers with her," Jeremy added and now it was my turn to be confused. Why the hell would I want Greta to come over?
"I don't think that's necessary," Tommo hedged, taking slow steps back over to us.
"Dude, she's been into Beau since sophomore year. You gotta give her something for being so persevering," Jeremy chuckled, tapping his dimming screen back on.
"This again?" I groaned, finally catching on. "I already told Jessica I wasn't interested in Greta. I'm not interested in anyone. Plus dinner tonight is just family, Jeremy."
"Come on, man," Jeremy goaded. "Have some fun for once."
"Spencer probably won't like it," I blurted, eyes widening. That was not at all what I intended to say. Even Tommo threw me a weird look that unraveled into silent shock. I gnawed on the corner of my lip as Tommo's gaze bounced between Jeremy and I, waiting out the minefield I'd just walked us into. A silent communication fell between us when we made eye contact.
You're really doing this? Now? You're gonna tell him, now? Tommo said, purely through eyebrow gymnastic and rapid blinking.
Apparently, I signed back with twitching arms and a jerking right brow.
Everything? Tommo hedged, brows furrowing as the corner of his lip quirked at whatever expression flew over my face. I didn't really have an answer to that question.
"The hell's Deli Meat got to do with this?" Jeremy questioned, unaware of the exchange happening around him. Rubbing his jaw, Jeremy sent me a suffered look. "Look, Jess is trying to play nice and set you up. Can't you just let her?"
The words were less easy to get out this time. I felt my face pinch slightly, an overbearing bolt of anxiety coursing through me hard enough that I almost backed out entirely. Tommo moved until he was directly beside me, face relaxed and eyes silently reminding me that whatever I decided to do, he would support me. I smiled tightly back at him, grateful, then turned to Jeremy, who seemed to be growing more frustrated as time went by.
"What the hell's with the facial tennis match?" Okay, so apparently he wasn't entirely oblivious to me and Tommo's silent communications. I dropped my eyes to my sneakers, toeing the dented grass where Tommo's giant boot print still lingered.
"I don't want Greta to come. The dinner's family only. Jessica can come since she's your girlfriend, but that's the cut off," I said, stressing the family part.
Jeremy pocketed his phone, arms pulled tauted as he crossed them over his chest. Head reclining slightly, he narrowed as his eyes at me. "And Deli Meat is family? Since when?"
"His name's Spencer, Jeremy," I pointed out, fighting to keep my hands still. "And yeah, he is."
"You do one lame-ass play and you're suddenly blood brothers with the guy?" He scoffed, shaking his head.
"Lay off, Jer," Tommo warned.
"Spencer's my boyfriend."
There.
The words were out.
And the foreboding rush of nausea hit me like a freight train as Jeremy's jaw all but cracked off his face and collapsed into the dirt.
"Bullshit."
I shook my head, apparently having run out my speech capacity for the day.
"So, what, you're gay now?" His brown eyes darkened slightly at the accusation, face closing off.
"Always have been," I managed to get out, straightening out my shoulders when Tommo's eyes flickered over to me. "Apparently it was pretty fucking obvious, too. So don't play coy now, Jeremy."
Jeremy moved suddenly, hands balling in my shirt as he yanked me forward close enough to nearly butt heads. His breathing was tense, a rippling movement that contracted his shoulders tightly on each inhale.
"Hey!" Tommo called out, grabbing Jeremy's shoulder in an attempt to shake the guy off but in an instant, Jeremy Clark had become pure, unmovable stone. I felt my throat click as I swallowed, completely frozen in surprise by his strength. In the back of my mind, I felt a sense of unease make its way through me, cloying deep in my gut. Something was calling out to run, but my entire body had turned to lead.
"Don't fucking flip this on me, Beau," he gritted out, jaw locked tight and every word pressed out through clenched teeth. His eyes were hard, dense pools of brown that belied nothing but mild horror and disgust as he shoved me away. "Not my fault that you're a–"
"A what?" I shouted back and cut him off, regaining my footing. I brushed Tommo's steading arm off my shoulder. "A fucking what?"
"Jeremy, back the fuck off, now," Tommo warned again.
"No, I want to hear what he has to say." I held my ground. "It's not your fault that I'm what? Gay? Homo? Queer? Or is there another insult you want to slug my way?"
"Why can't you just be normal?" Jeremy sighed. His voice was chillingly quiet, hands flexed at his sides as he sent me an astounded look. "The fuck is wrong with you, Beau?"
I tensed, drawing up defensively. "Nothing's wrong with me."
"Why can't you just keep this shit to yourself, like normal people do?" he scoffed, unable to meet my eyes, as if the mere sight of me pained him. "You always have to say shit, feel shit... Always have to find a hidden meaning in everything someone does. Make things into a bigger deal than they need to be. Why can't you just realize it's better for everyone to just keep your mouth shut?"
"What did you not want to hear Jeremy? What's better for you to be left unsaid?" I goaded, a fury building up in me enough I stepped forward, shoving at his chest.
Jeremy collapsed back a step at the action.
"Beau, come on. This isn't worth it," Tommo said but I ignored him, fired up. A sudden tidal wave of anger rolled over me as years of suppressed emotions boiled to the surface.
"Nothing I say should be a surprise, no hidden meanings in my fucking feelings." I was practically yelling at this point and Jeremy's eyes widened, hands raised defensively. "Tell me, Jeremy, what fucking things are better left unsaid at this point? That I fucking loved you? That I loved you so fucking much I let you con me into thinking this could go somewhere one day? Let you kiss me and tease me, even though we both knew you were just stringing me along–?"
The punch that landed itself on my nose was brutal.
A shock to the system.
I felt my head fling back on impact, feet staggering to reclaim balance as the world tipped on its axis. The point of contact cracked and I groaned, dropping to my knees as Tommo all but tackled Jeremy. Their figures flew past in a blur of color, grappling on the grass beside me.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Tommo's voice broke through the fog.
The sound of rustling clothes and panting filled the air. When Jeremy managed to speak again, his words strangled by the hold Tommo had on him. "He can't just say all that stuff to me!"
I blinked slowly, hand automatically flying to my nose. Blood ran through the gaps in my fingers, hot and thick. I brushed it off on my jeans, getting to my feet. Standing upright was a challenge at first but soon I was making my way to the stairs. The sound of feet scrambling behind me echoed.
"Beau," Tommo said cautiously and I felt his fingers graze my shoulder.
"We should head inside before my parents send out a search party," I gritted out, words congested but legible. I looked over my shoulder, past Tommo, and to the figure still sprawled out on my lawn, catching their breath. Jeremy favored his left side as he stood, rolling the joint of the arm he landed on when Tommo took him down.
"You can't just say all that stuff, Beau. Can't just blame me for everything," Jeremy said, groaning as he shook out his hand. The skin around his knuckles looked tender and glowed a painful looking red.
"I never said I blamed you," I scoffed and I gripped the rail at the sudden headrush that rolled over me. "You're missing the entire point, as always."
Jeremy's mouth parted, ready to say something then he stopped himself. When he finally did speak I tried not to be surprised by the instant disappointment I felt. The words were so on-brand for Jeremy Clark.
"I just want things to stay the same," he said. The words were soft, like a broken whisper, but amplified by the total silence on my street. He kept his gaze on the grass, his knuckles. Anywhere but me. "Why are you always trying to change things when they're working for everyone else?"
"You mean when they're working for you," Tommo butted in as I slowly sat down on the top step. The wood was cold, seeping through my jeans but I relished the feeling. My entire body felt too hot, skin too tight as I wrapped my mind around everything that just happened. I rested the flat of my palm on the porch floor as the other pinched my nose, even though it felt like it did nothing to stem the blood flow.
Distantly, I heard Jeremy call out. "Bullshit."
"I'm happy now, Jeremy," I spoke up, glancing at him as I removed my hand to pick at drying blood on my jeans. "You never asked, but I need you to know that. Spencer makes me happy."
Jeremy tucked his swollen hand into his chest, throwing Tommo a nervous look as he moved forward, only stopping when his feet hit the bottom step. He all but collapsed onto it, turning on his side to look up at us. Tommo followed suit, settling in the space between us, ever the moderator, with his back on the rail.
"You say that like you weren't happy before," he whispered. Hurt brown eyes stared at me as he asked, "Weren't you?"
I shook my head, annoyed when I felt my own eyes prickling with tears of frustration. Crying was the last thing I wanted to do in this moment. "Not like this."
"Did you really love me?"
I floundered at that, staring down at my twitching hands. I felt my body sag, my shoulders caving in on themselves. In tiredness, in discomfort at the topic of conversation, I wasn't entirely sure.
"I think I did," I admitted, not lifting my eyes to meet Jeremy's. "I don't even know at this point."
"Why?"
"Jesus, Clark. My entire world revolved around you from the moment we met. You were my best friend, I would've followed you to the end of the earth if you told me to, no questions asked. Loving you was second nature." Frustrated, I rammed a hand through my hair, pulling at the strands until the pained sensation almost outweighed the chronic thudding of my nose. "On some level, subconsciously or whatever, you had to have fucking known that."
"It wasn't ever supposed to get to this," Jeremy said, quiet enough it felt like he wasn't just saying this to me but to himself on some level. "I miss..." he trailed off with a frustrated groan, seemingly searching for his words. Tommo's lips part, most likely in an attempt to get this derailed conversation back on track, just as Jeremy regains his train of thought "God, I just... I miss when it was just me and you and Tommo, no drama. Me and you goofing around, messing around, or whatever you seem to want to label it as. It wasn't ever supposed to be treated so seriously."
I saw more than heard the sigh that Tommo let out, forehead drooping to rest on his palm as Jeremy's words washed over us.
None of this was helping. Jeremy was being stubborn in his denial and his unwillingness to be open and honest for once in his goddamn life. I could feel my anger rising again and rather than cave in like every ounce of my body was pulsing for, I just slumped further back against the edge of the steps and breathed out slowly through my mouth. At this rate, we would be spending the entire night running the conversation around in circles, and without an outlet for my anger, it died into tiredness again.
Getting to my feet I nudged Tommo's back to get him to stand up. "Look, you obviously have your own shit you need to work out, Jeremy," I said, lifting the edge of my shirt to wipe the bottom half of my face. "Whether you do that tomorrow, in ten years, on your deathbed, whenever, I just hope you can make peace with whatever comes out."
"Why now?" Jeremy implored, still nestled on his step. I had never seen him look so small. The weight of the world seemed to be pressing in on him, but no sympathy coursed through me at the sight. "If things have been shitty for so long, how come you never said anything until now?"
"I needed time."
Jeremy rolled his eyes. "Bullshit. You found someone better, and now you're just going to throw away ten years of friendship. Why, because I don't like you back the way you want me to?"
"I don't make this into something it isn't," I bit back, not taking the bait to start another fight with Jeremy. I threw my keys to Tommo, waiting until he was crossing the porch to unlock the door, then turned back to Jeremy. "If you can't accept that things have changed now, that's your problem. If this is where we part ways, then... then I'm okay with that. But if you can pull your head out your ass by the end of the night, I'll see you tomorrow at the dinner. Otherwise, don't bother showing up."
The door clicked open as Jeremy got up and cut across the grass. There was no looking back. No final words.
He was just gone.
I tried not to let myself read too much into it, stepping through the open doorway with Tommo tight on my heels. The table was laid out, April the only one seated with both hands tapping furiously at her phone. She was scowling down at the device as though it had personally insulted her, a curse at the tip of her tongue.
"Boy trouble?" I asked, startling her. The phone rattled to the table, the sound wincingly loud as her gaze swung my way.
"What's with the deep voi– Oh my fucking god, MOM!" April suddenly screamed, all but throwing the chair back against the wall as she rushed to my side. Tommo stepped back as April's hands flew to my face, crushing my cheeks in her grip as she twisted my head from side to side, nostrils flaring in bull-like anger. "What the fuck happened?"
"Boy troubles." I grinned, fighting back a grimace at the dull throb that accompanied the movement. "I'm fine."
"You look like you took a dive face first into the concrete. Multiple times!" she shouted, punching my chest. "Mom! Come downstairs, now!"
"What the hell," I hissed, rubbing the spot she hit as Mom's frantic heels clicked into the room.
"Beau!" She gasped, in full shocked mother mode. A hand pressed to her mouth. I tried not to roll my eyes at the theatrics.
"I'm fine, I swear. The blood makes it look a lot worse than it is," I said, going to wipe my face again once I knocked April's hands loose, only for my Mom to emit a sharp huff.
"We're going to the hospital," she announced and I gaped back at her.
"Mom–"
"Theodore, would you prefer to be dropped home or will you be accompanying us?" Mom asked, completely ignoring my attempt at protest. Her face was stern, blue eyes narrowed at me until any form of protest inside of me died.
Tommo, ever the parent pleaser and little shit he was, smiled at my Mom thoughtfully. "I may as well come, saves you the time of having to drive almost entirely in the opposite direction."
"Wonderful," Mom chimed, voice angel sweet in response then hardening as she addressed me. "Get in the car. I'll fill your father in with where we are going and then you will tell me, with graphic detail, what on earth happened to you."
"Narc," I murmured to April as I pushed past her and to the front door. Tommo was quick behind me, going as far as to pull the back door to Dad's car open for me. I glared back at him, settling in the seat and scratched at the flaking blood along my jaw. Thudding himself into the seat beside me, Tommo's face broke into a smug grin and I shoved his shoulder. "Asshole."
"I'm proud of you," Tommo said and I blinked back at him, genuinely surprised by his words.
"Thanks, man," I smiled, groaning when the action started a new tidal wave of blood from my nose. Grimacing I pushed my sleeve against it, trying to soak up the worst of the damage. The front doors opened in tandem seconds later, both April and my Mom bowing into the car. Starting the engine, Mom raised her head just enough to glare at me through the rearview.
"You've got fifteen minutes to explain yourself, Beau Minders," Mom stated, throwing the car into reverse. Soon we were rolling down the driveway, her eyes entirely trained on my own the whole way down. "Start talking."