I need to stop crying. Crying isn't going to solve anything. Then again, sitting in a broom cupboard eating my bodyweight in chocolate isn't going to solve anything either, but here I am anyway. They say chocolate and sex are on the same brain level for girls and that girls are supposed to get as much pleasure from chocolate as they do from sex. I can tell you, if I could go back to James' birthday party, I'd eat so much chocolate that I would just look pregnant, rather than actually having sex. Chocolate is much more pleasurable anyway. Chocolate doesn't knock you up and then go off with your cousin. Chocolate doesn't shoot you cheeky grins in the hallways because it knows you secretly like it. Chocolate doesn't judge you. It's just there for you when you need it, crying "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat me". And when you do, you don't have to feel guilty, because it's what the chocolate wanted.
What the hell am I even talking about?
Anyway, I've decided to hide out in this broom cupboard so I can have a think. What better place is there? Mum and Dad have gone home – well, Mum's gone to wherever she's staying in Hogsmeade and Dad's gone back home, I presume. I didn't say goodbye to them, I just peaked out of the broom cupboard (which is in the entrance hall) and I saw them leave. I don't know if I'm glad to see the back of them or if I want them to come back and sort out their problems. Or is it too late?
It's so annoying. I wish I knew what it was that caused them to go so psychotic the night before we came back to Hogwarts. It can't be my pregnancy alone. I mean, if it were, why did they both show up to the school? Oh I don't know, it's all so confusing. Maybe something happened – maybe Dad cheated on Mum! Maybe that's why she threw him out of the house. But Dad's not the cheating kind...is he? Anyway, who'd have him? Personally, I wonder how the hell Mum ended up with him. Don't get me wrong, I love my Dad (most of the time), but he's an overgrown kid. He's worse than Hugo most of the time! Mum's so methodical and mature all the time. They're complete opposites. It's a wonder they even survived nineteen years of marriage.
I don't know what to do. A year ago I never would have expected that I, Rose Weasley, complete nerd and prefect, would be facing issues like my parents divorcing or an unplanned pregnancy. I was so exam-orientated. My whole life was studying for the OWLs. But they came and went and then I found that I had nothing to do anymore. Of course there was always Quidditch, but even that gets boring after a while. Even boys didn't interest me – not really. I mean, there was Carl the Ravenclaw who broke up with me in front of the whole school, but I was more upset because of the humiliation rather than actually losing him. The only boy I ever really had eyes for was Teddy.
I need Teddy now more than ever...but he hates me just like Dad does. Why did I have to be so bloody childish about the engagement? I should be happy for Teddy and Victoire. He loves her so much – what guy wouldn't? She's even more beautiful than her Mum or Dom (both of whom are so stunning they make me look like a troll whenever I stand beside them). She has no flaws at all. Even Nana Molly and Grandad love her the most because she's their first grandchild. Nana and Grandad Granger don't favour me for being their first grandchild, which I find completely unfair.
"I don't want to hear it, Malfoy," I hear a voice hissing from outside the broom cupboard. I push open the door, only slightly, and peek out into the entrance hall. Dom and Malfoy are standing by the front doors of the castle. Dom's face is very red and she hasn't changed out of her Quidditch robes yet and Malfoy (also dressed in his Quidditch attire) looks just as pale as he did when I told him that I want to put our baby up for adoption.
"Dom, you have to believe me –"
"Why should I believe anything you say?" she shrieks, her voice echoing around the hall.
"I told you I'm sorry!" Malfoy says exasperatedly.
"Sorry?" she cries, "You're sorry? Don't you think "sorry" is a little bit trivial for this situation? You got my cousin – my best friend – pregnant! And you think that "sorry" is going to cover it? You're pathetic, Malfoy!"
"It was before I was with you," Malfoy says loudly, "we agreed not to tell anyone. I didn't even know she was pregnant!"
"How could you ask me out after you slept with Rose? You're sick! Did you even like her? Or were you just using her?"
Oh dear.
Right now, I'm not sure if I want him to say he loves every bit of me or he just wanted sex. I suppose part of me just wants to kick him in the groin and the other part (very small part) wants him to hug me and say everything is okay.
"I..." Malfoy starts, "I was drunk. Of course I must have liked her at the time...but now, I like you, Dom."
That little ferret! Only the other day he was saying how he isn't happy with Dom and how much he likes me! Kick him in the goods, Dom!
"Well it's a bit late now," she says, and I can hear that she's crying in her voice, "You're going to have a baby."
"No we're not," says Malfoy, "Rose wants to put it up for adoption."
It's hard to tell how he feels about that. His facial expressions are hard and emotionless and his voice is monotonic. Guys are so hard to read.
Dom glares at him for a moment and her facial expression softens into a sad grimace.
"B-but I don't understand," says Dom, "Rose wouldn't do that."
How would she know? It's not like we ever discuss that kind of stuff.
"She wouldn't!" Dom insists, "You're making her, aren't you?"
"No!" Malfoy protests, "It was all her idea! I only just found out, I haven't had time to get my head around it!"
They stay quiet for a few minutes.
"Is it true you punched your dad?" Dom asks so quietly that I can barely hear her.
"Yeah," Malfoy says nonchalantly, "so?"
"Why did you hit him?"
Malfoy stays quiet.
"He said something about Rose?" Dom presses, "You were standing up for her?"
He nods. What an idiot! Why can't he just lie? He seems to be an expert at that.
"You like her," says Dom, "I knew it."
"Dom –"
"I'm going to bed," she sighs, "I'll talk to you when I've calmed down. Right now all I want to do is hex you into oblivion."
She storms off up the stairs. Malfoy is left in the entrance hall and kicks the front doors in rage. I've never seen him so angry. In fact, I never really see him as anything other than calm and collected. Maybe I should go and calm him down...or does he want to hear it from me? I mean, I'm the one who lied to him. But apparently my brain and my legs aren't really working in partnership today because I seem to be walking out of the broom cupboard and over to him. How odd.
"How long have you been in there?" Malfoy shoots when he spots me.
"About four hours," I shrug, "I needed to think."
"...In a broom cupboard?" Malfoy asks, eyebrows raised.
"What better place?"
He's looking at me as if I'm a crazy woman. I suppose I sort of am a crazy woman. Well I can hardly be described as sane now can I?
"So..." Malfoy says awkwardly.
"Why did you just lie your bollocks off to Dom just now?" I ask bluntly.
"I didn't!" he protests.
"You told me that you aren't happy with her. Or was that all talk? I suppose you regret saying all that crap about liking me now that I'm damaged goods."
"Weasley, you really are the most annoying person in the world!" he cries, "I wish I never slept with you!"
"The feeling's mutual! You weren't even that good!"
That hit him hard. He pauses for a few seconds because he doesn't know what to say. I try to hold back laughter.
"Whatever," he shoots back, "it's not like you'd know!"
"What?" I cry.
"Dom told me you were a virgin!"
"Yeah, well she told me you were a virgin too!" I cry.
"Well..." Malfoy stutters, "Good! That rules out the STD risk!"
I stare at him for a second before we both burst out laughing. I'm serious, our laughs are echoing around the entire entrance hall. It's like we don't know what else to do. The situation actually can't get any worse so we're just laughing! This is not how I expected it to go down. I tell a guy I'm pregnant and we have a good laugh about it! I'm pregnant...but sure at least we don't have chlamydia!
"You're an idiot," I laugh.
"We're both idiots," Malfoy admits and I nod my head in agreement.
"What are we going to do?" I ask, still chuckling, with tears streaming down my face - but whether they're tears of sadness or laughter I'm not quite sure. I think it's both.
"I thought you wanted adoption?" he asks.
"I...I don't know what I want."
"Let's not decide tonight," says Malfoy softly, "Let's just...sleep on it."
I've been sleeping on it for the last few weeks. It's time to wake up.
"Why did we do it?" I sigh, "What were we thinking?"
Malfoy shrugs. I shrug. I reminisce.
**
The party was already underway when I returned to the Common Room after jinxing Carl Blunt, my ex-boyfriend. I was in no mood for the festivities, but as soon as James saw me, he bounced over to me, an extra Firewhiskey in his hand.
"Have a drink!"
"I'm underage," I protested.
"It's my birthday!" said James, as if that justified underage drinking.
"So? I'm only sixteen!"
"You never loosen up, Red," slurred James, "You'll drive yourself into an early grave with the amount of work you do."
I rolled my eyes at him and grudgingly downed the Firewhiskey to prove a point.
"There! I can loosen up!"
He looked impressed.
"Nice work, Red!"
He bounced off again to talk to a dark-haired seventh year who was sitting alone in the corner of the Common Room. I, of course, was still completely embarrassed by what had happened at dinner and I felt as if everyone was talking about how I'd been dumped so publicly by Carl. I poured myself another Firewhiskey, drank it quickly and poured another one.
"Steady on, girl," I heard Al say from behind me, "How many have you had?"
"Three," I said, holding up two fingers.
He took the glass off me and set it down.
"You never drink! Have you any idea how strong that stuff is?"
"As strong as your face!" I spluttered. Al raised an eyebrow.
"You look like Harry Potter," I said.
"Yeah, you'd think he was my dad or something," said Al sarcastically, "Maybe you should go and lie down."
"No! I want to dance!" I said, even though nobody else was.
"You're going to embarrass yourself!" Al protested.
"If the girl wants to dance, let the girl dance!" said Malfoy, who had just appeared beside Al, draping an arm around his shoulders. He looked very handsome, wearing a black shirt and black jeans.
"Why are James' parties always full of drunken idiots?" Al sighed.
"Loosen up Al!" I laughed.
"Yeah, loosen up, Potter!" Malfoy agreed in his endearing Scottish accent, "Why can't you be more like Rose?"
"Yeah!" I exclaimed, "Or more like Scorpassus here?"
"Yeah!" said Malfoy excitedly.
Al rolled his eyes and left the two of us by the drinks table.
"You're cool when you're drunk," Malfoy slurred.
"D'you know what's cooler...funk!" I exclaimed.
"You're dead right there!" Malfoy agreed seriously.
"There's nothing better than funk," I said, bopping to the music.
"I agree," said Malfoy, "I completely agree."
"Play that funky music, white boy!" I yelled at him.
"Okay!"
He just stood there and shrugged. We both burst out laughing for no apparent reason.
"We're talking quite a lot of bullshit," I observed.
"It's quality bullshit, m'lady," said Malfoy.
"I need to sit down," I decided, as I was very dizzy indeed. We walked over to the couches by the fire and chased a few first years out of them. Malfoy threw himself down beside me and slouched down so we were at the same eye-level.
"You have brown eyes," Malfoy observed.
"So do you," I said.
"High five for brown eyes!"
We didn't high five in the end – our co-ordination was way off and we gave up after seven tries and six accidental slaps on the face.
"You never spoke to me before," I said.
"I did!" he insisted, "In first year, I said hi when Al introduced me to you! And I think I said excuse me at one stage when I needed to get by you."
"But we never SPOKE before...like an actual conversation...with your big Scottish accent," I slurred.
"What are we having now?" he asked, "and I can't help my Scottish accent, given that I'm Scottish!"
"I suppose you're right. So what's your favourite farmyard animal then?" I asked.
"A one-legged duck, definitely," he said, not smiling, but his eyes shone with sarcasm, "How about you?"
"Pigs," I said, "because it's a fun word to say!"
"PIGS!" Malfoy shouted, and a couple of fourth years looked over in shock, "Oh, not you..."
The night went on like that, full of completely pointless banter. Soon the Common Room had cleared out completely, or people had just fallen asleep on the floor of it. I wasn't sure what time it was, but it had to be well after two o'clock. Dom was passed out on one of the armchairs, Chastity Finch was on the floor beside her and Laura Phelps was sprawled across a table beside the window. But Malfoy and I were still wide awake, playing a game of "I Never" with an almost empty bottle of Firewhiskey.
"I never...had a sexual fantasy about a teacher!" I said. Malfoy grinned coyly and took a gulp of the drink.
"Ew! Which one?" I laughed.
"Chang," he grinned.
"Chang? No way!"
"Okay, my turn!" he said, "I never...kissed a cousin's mate."
I didn't take a drink, seeing as I'd never kissed one of my cousin's friends.
"Want to change that?" he grinned.
My heart flipped over in my chest at his words. His hair was lying flat on his head at this stage of the evening, making him look sexier than ever. What red blooded female wouldn't kiss him? I leaned in, both our heads turning left, and our lips were touching, softly at first. Then I felt his tongue caressing my lips, as if knocking to see if they could come in. I opened my lips obligingly. I wasn't exactly experienced in the area of boys, but I could tell that he was good – really good. One of his hands was resting on my waist while the other was cupping my face gently. My heart was going crazy – it was a feeling I'd never felt before. My hand flew to his and I lead him upstairs to my empty dormitory.
We lay down on my bed and continued our passion-filled kissing session. For some reason, I knew exactly what I was doing. Maybe it was the Firewhiskey. Maybe it was the surge of lust I was experiencing. Whatever it was, I felt the moment opportune to unbutton Malfoy's black shirt while he unzipped my jeans. I didn't even realise how much I was shaking, but Malfoy did.
"We don't have to –" he whispered, but I put a finger over his lips.
"I want to," I whispered back...
**
"Um, Weasley?" Malfoy asks, pulling me out of my day dream.
"Hmm?"
"You've been staring into space for the last five minutes," he says worriedly.
"I...I better go," I say, "Goodnight, Malfoy."
I run upstairs and all the way up to the Gryffindor Tower, the memories of James' birthday still fresh in my mind. It's got my heart racing even thinking about it. I didn't even think I'd remember that much, but if I strain my mind, I can still remember his touch – it made me tremble. But that's lust, one of the seven deadly sins. And I'm pretty sure "being a lying, cheating bitch to your cousin" is in there too.
Speaking of which, Dom is sitting on her own in the dorm when I return. She's crying into her pillow, but she stops and looks up when I come in. At first I think she's reaching for her wand to hex me, but she just reaches for a tissue and wipes her eyes.
"You're back then," she says in a very shaky voice.
"Look, Dom, I'm so s–"
"Don't say you're sorry because I really don't care," she says. Her eyes are red and puffy, just as I'm sure mine are.
"How could you not tell me?" she sobs, "I thought we were supposed to be more than just cousins, Rose. We're best friends."
"I know," I say, feeling so guilty I think I'm going to cry, "I should have told you...but Malfoy and I didn't feel the need to tell anyone because we were so drunk when it happened. It was just a one night stand."
"Yeah, and look what the result of it is."
I nod gravely.
"I wanted to tell you that I was pregnant, I really did."
"Then why didn't you? It's not like you didn't have the chance. We share a dormitory! We saw each other every day over Christmas!" she cries.
"I know," I say, "but I was trying to get my head around it before I told people. And then by the time I was ready to tell you, you told me that you were going out with Mal- um, Scorpius."
"You could have told me," she says quietly, "I would have understood."
Yeah, right – she would have understood just as much as Dad did.
"I'm sorry, Dom, I really am," I say.
"Do you like him? Scorpius?"
Her blue eyes are digging into mine, searching for the truth. I doubt she'll find it if I can't even find it in myself.
"It was just a one night stand," I say, "I can barely even remember it."
That's such a lie.
"But Rose, you always said your first time would be special...what made you do it? You've always been so sensible," says Dom, shaking her head.
"Firewhiskey," I say, "and I was upset that Carl had humiliated me in front of everyone. It was out of comfort I did it, not out of love – or even like for that matter."
Dom sighed heavily and started biting on her thumbnail.
"It doesn't matter anyway," she says, "it's not like I can be with Malfoy now."
I breathe in. This is something I have to do.
"Look, Dom, Malfoy likes you, not me," I say, running over to her bed and sitting down beside her, "I'm giving the baby up for adoption – in a few months, this will all be over with. Malfoy's done nothing wrong, okay? So...so be happy, Dom. Don't let my stupid mistakes ruin your life as well as mine."
She looks at me sceptically and then she nods.
"Perhaps you're right," she whispers unsurely, "Maybe I shouldn't break up with him."
Part of me feels saddened to hear this. Part of me feels guilty that I've just told my cousin a huge lie.
And another part of me feels that I've just made the second biggest mistake of my life.