You had that dream again.
The one where you're in a small black box. You struggle and pounded against the sides but nothing.
You started to feel claustrophobic... as the box seems to get smaller and tighter. It closes in on you, and squeezes into your skin. You cant breathe, feeling what little oxygen you have left starting to run out, and of course you start hyperventilating making it worse but you cant stop. You pound and hit, shaking the box so hard you were even sure you bounced it up in the air a few times.
The box starts to dig into faster.
your arms are in the top coners, your knees hitting the sides. Its so tight you cant touch your hands together. You cant touch your arms, your legs, our your face.
And it just squeezes and squeezes.
The lack of oxygen starts to make you dizzy.
Everything in the already dark box goes even darker and darker... and it feels like your dying until...
It breaks.
It shatters around you... and your sitting in the living room... watching yourself.
The other you, dream you, is on the couch... and you see jeff behind that one.
Hes holding a plastic bag.
The other you doesnt notice.
But the real you cant keep your eyes off of him.
It seems like a long time before anyone does anything.
They just stand there for a while.
You watching tv and smoking...
Him standing over you... you totally oblivious what was about to come.
The first time the real you was too
But youve had this dream too many times to not know whats gonna come next.
And when it happens it happens so quickly.
He quickly draps the plastic bag over your head, quickly snatching the handles of the bag, pulling the bag as tight as he can against your face.
You can see the outline of your face pressed against the bag.
The plastic in your mouth going in and out as you struggled to breathe.
Theres steam in the bag.
Coating the inside.
Youre sure it was quite warm in there too.
You struggle for a bit, your hands grasp the plastic and you try to rip it up with your nails but nothing. Jeff pulls tighter as red marks start to form at your neck.
Even know its not you, you can feel yourself suffocating.
It hurts.
It hurts more than you can imagine.
Your lungs burn and its so painful not being able to take in a proper breath.
To not take in any breath.
It lasts for so long...
10-15 minutes.
You can only sit there hopeless watching.
Before you would try to scream.
You would try to hit him.
You would try to puncture or pull the bag off.
But nothing works.
You cant budge them.
Its like you're air, you can touch them, but you cant move them.
You're not wind, just air.
Suddenly, the fake you stops moving.
Her head falls to the side and she goes still.
He still keeps the bag on her head.
He keeps it there for whatseems like hours.
You're not sure how long that lasts.
He finally lets go and he falls to his knees behind the couch.
He grips on the head of the couch and just sits there with his head down.
His shoulders start to shake... and you here him sniffle a bit.
Then he just breaks down.
He cries out painfully and sobs.
He screams to an empty house.
He screams and screams, his pale skin turning a sort of pink.
He cries, his tears pouring down his face, snot dripping from his nose and onto his chin.
You never seen him cry like this..
He pants, painfully sucking in air, only to just cough it out and choke again.
It looks painful
It looks familiar
You don't want to see him like this.
At first you tried to console him.
Tell him everythings alright and you're here, you're not that stranger on the couch.
But he cant feel you.... you cant even feel yourself.
He finally gets up, propping himself up on the head of the couch. He stands there... head down... just crying.
He stays like that for a few monents... until he walks infront of the couch, and plops down behind you.
He takes off the bag so so gently.
As gentle as when he picked up mia for the first time and he grabs you.
He places your head on his shoulder, and your body nexts to his. He turns up the volume on the tv, and they sit there for a while.
You can hear the tv too, its your favorite show, and he hits there, holding you.
A few episodes at least...
Before he takes out a needle... a full needle.. filled with... something but not herion.
He interlocks his arm with yours and lifts his sleeve up. He pierces his forearm with the neddle and your sure he finds a vien.
He turns up the tv to as loud as it goes.... and he pulls down the plunger.
Soon he falls asleep, and you both lay there alseep.
Eventually You walk over, and sit down next to him. The couch doesnt move when you sit down on it.
You place your fingers on his neck, and it's cold and stiff. Theres no pulse.
You lay your head on his shoulder and close your eyes.
You feel nothing.
You are nothing.
Just this blackness that is everywhere and no where at the same time.
And just like that you're awake again.
You don't dream much anymore.
But when you do its that one.
And it always ends the same.
You think it was an omen.
For something you have to do.
.....
"Hey baby... you're looking good."
You hear his voice comming from the the door way. You feel sick.. but its not time for that right now.
You took a few painkillers, enough to fight off withdrawals but not enough to get you high.
You smiled at him and walked over, placing your arms around his neck.
He picked you up and you wrapped your legs around his waist.
"Ive missed you jeff... ive missed us..."
What people don't understand is... that he wasn't bad all the time...
Just sometimes.
But not times like these.
"Ive missed you too baby"
Its been months since you had sex, in fact, you don't remember the last time you did.
Sure, he may have had sex with your sleeping or unconscious body... but you never got much feeling from that.
That wasn't sex to you.
You didn't know what it was but it wasnt sex.
Lust ran through your body as he buried his face into your neck.
There was no biting or pain.
Just sweet kisses.
He wasnt mean all the time
If he was, you wouldn't have fallen in love with him.
If he was, you wouldn't have gone with him.
But when he was mean, you stayed? Why?
Because you longed for times like this.
Times like this was worth all the pain.
It was worth all the strangers lives who were lost.
It was worth all the pain your family went through.
It was worth it all.
How selfish is that?
You moaned into him and he threw you down on the bed. He lifted off your shirt gently, and he run his down down your chest to you stomach, back up again to grab your breasts.
It wasn't hard, everything was so soft,
You felt a tingle run through you, it gave you goosebumps, it made your sense of touch heightened.
You pushed off your sweats, and laid there in thin panties.
You felt the cold air run through your body, and it felt good.
He hovered over you, and kisses down your neck to your chest, and down some more. He placed his hands in your panties, and they didn't feel rough or cold.
It felt so warm... and soft.. and... and
It was times like these, when you saw the real jeff. You saw what no one else have seen. What no one else will ever see again. What you probably wont see again.
He was truly beautiful.
He always has been.
He always will be.
Even when he was at his ugliest, to you, he was always beautiful.
He or you had brainwashed yourself so good.
You would do anything to feed this obsession.
You would given your life away.
And that was a long long process.
It was almost done too, you weren't you anymore
And for years, and years and years
You haven't been.
It wasn't jeffs fault, he was a symptom of it.
The truth was, you had lost yourself long before you even met him.
You thought maybe, he was the key to finding a new self or your real self.
But the time for that has come and gone.
There was only right now, and you needed to be in the moment.
He pushed your legs aside, and pulled off
Your panties, his arms on either side of you.
And it felt so good.
Your eyes rolled back into your head.
And you melted into it.
You rocked your body with is, and grabbed onto his back, digging your nails so slightly.
And you melted into ecstasy.
...
You woke up a few hours later, jeff was asleep next to you, so you just rested your head on his chest, and listened to his heartbeat for a while.
You wanted to soak this up.
You gave everything for this moment and you wanted it to last.
He wrapped his arms around you, even while deeply asleep.
You laid there for a while, but you started to get sick, so like any good junkie, you woke up jeff and asked him if he was feeling sick yet.
He groggily agreed, and he got up with you, and you both drank water and got your supplies ready.
You made the shots, you were a good judge of dosage and timing. You were also great and finding healthy veins. You were a good clean shot, maybe in another life, you would have been some sort of nurse.
You made them bigger than usual, definitely big for the first shot of the day. You had previously placed the note in a easy to find spot, and left a voicemail on your moms answering machine.
You shot him up, and he fell back in pure bliss.
Then you shot yourself up, and did the same.
You swam in the warm waters, and let the heat take your body.
You swam,
And swam,
And swam.
You weren't sure when you stopped swimming,
Or when you started choking.
Or when you stopped breathing.
You were just so warm, peaceful and free. For the first time in years, you were free.
And you died with a smile on your face.
...
Hours later, covered in vomit, jeff slowly, and surely got up.
He felt sick, and wanted to re up again.
"Babe, you awake?"
It was quiet.
"Babe." He said more sternly. He shook you, and you barely responded.
"Babe!" He said, his voice flooded with panic and he moved to your side quickly.
Your breathing was weak, and your skin was ashen grey and pale. Your lips were blue, and he recognized this sign.
He has seen it so many times before.
In so many people.
But this was the first time, it scared him. The first time he wanted to help.
He told himself he could do it, hes saved you before, he could do it again.
He pressed on your chest, and breathed into you, but nothing.
He gave up after 15 minutes.
You were so strong, and your heart kept beating.
Even if it was weak, and not in rhythm.
But now your breathing has stopped completely, and there was nothing he could do.
He laid you on his lap, and spent your last minutes with you.
He sobbed over you, and through snots and tears, he loaded up what he had left in his stash.
He shot up sloppily and his blood dripped on you.
And he went for that lovely warm swim,
But as unfair and crazy as it seems, he kept waking up.
He tried again and again, but nothing worked.
What a sick game this all was.. and there was no winner.
It was over.
(I have one more chapter to write for this book then its over! I can't believe this blew up so much, you make my emo sophomore heart very happy, thank you)
(I hope everyone is staying safe, and if you're on quarantine like i am, i hope this brings you a little excitement)