Matty
My thoughts were consumed by the itching at the back of my head, not physically though. The internal itch that comes with a mild addiction to certain drugs. It was taking everything within me not to burst with emotions. All I wanted to do was drown myself in the things that made me think less about the reality around me. It's so bittersweet though, I should be over the moon right now. I'm living my dream. That's why I hate myself more for it.
"You look happy today." Alyssa said, looking over at me from the couch on the bus. I don't know how she could think that but maybe I just put up enough of a front that she's somehow convinced herself that I'm okay.
"I am." I lied. It hurt to lie to her, not that it's a big lie. And it wasn't a complete lie either. I wasn't specifically unhappy but neither was I overjoyed.
She looked back down at her phone and continued scrolling through whatever she was looking at, a smile was on her face and it hurt me even more to feel this way. I know I shouldn't rely on someone else's presence to stop me from the need to abuse drugs, it's not a healthy way to cope. It just gets so lonely trying to keep myself right these days.
If we were at home though, I wouldn't be feeling like this. I could do a few lines and be fine for ages, it wouldn't bother me. There would be no need for me to worry, it's just this setting caused me to take it to the next extreme. It's like when they say weed is a gateway drug but in this instance it's being on tour.
There's something so beautifully tragic about the feeling it gives me. When I'm on stage I feel invincible, like nothing can take me from that moment and drag me through the dirt. The second I walk off stage though, it hurts me to walk away. When you have hundreds of people interacting with you, looking at you for some form of safety for an hour it makes you feel like some form of God, maybe that's why I've become so frantically against the prospect of religion as I got older. Walking away from it and sitting in a room with your friends, your family or even just the strangers that work for your band becomes dull. Not in a bad way, it's just such a contrast.
Too many times have I left the stage and ended up alone for hours on end. That's when it gets dark. That's when I felt the need to self medicate in the worse ways imaginable. It leaves you feeling empty, like there is no one else in the world that can possibly fill that void. Mix it with adrenaline and alcohol, it's a recipe for disaster. Alas, I turn to drugs to fill that empty, vacant feeling. Something to distract me from the noise in my head.
That's why I don't consider myself an addict. I don't rely on it everyday of my life, or even for the mundane days alone in my flat. I only seem to feel that itch when I tour. It's a fucked up concept for me, to finally get the opportunity to show the world what I'm capable of but be hit with the burden of loneliness and depression whenever I get to perform.
I used to fill that void with girls, sex and any substance that would come my way until I hit a point of loneliness that the nameless faces didn't seem to feel the same anymore. In the beginning of our touring days I was a typical wanker that would sleep with girls in every city we stepped foot in. I almost craved it more than touring itself but it didn't work. The second they'd leave I'd be alone again and needed the drugs.
I had hoped that finding a girlfriend that actually wanted to be with me for who I am would change that. It did for awhile but it would fade away, like everything else. I just hope for my own sanity that Alyssa isn't someone that will disappear like the rest. I'm not so egotistical that I convince myself that I wasn't the issue in these relationships. I always was. And that's why it scared me how much I now seem to rely on her being here.
"What you thinking about?" Alyssa looked up again. How fucked up I really am but you have no fucking clue and I'm terrified you're going to find out and leave me like the rest of them do.
"How cute you look right now." I said quickly. She blushed and shook her head.
"You're very mushy sometimes, if only your fans knew how cheesy you actually are." She grinned.
"Don't reveal my secrets, I have an image to uphold." I said slowly. She chuckled, thinking I was just joking around but deep down, I know it's not about how hopelessly romantic I am at heart. I'm just glad I never met Alyssa years ago when I was a right knob.
"Your secrets safe with me, Matty." She shot me a wink. I hope so but I also hope you never find out my real secrets before I can sort them out.
She got up off the couch and wandered into the bunk area. I watched as she walked, taking in her beauty. I was in over my head with someone like her. I wasn't worthy of the affection and time she was giving me.
George walked out a few minutes later and nodded to me. "You alright mate?" He asked. I looked up at him and smiled.
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" I returned.
"You've been eerily quiet today, it's not like you." He said. "Usually you're rabbiting on about some book you've read or some documentary we should all watch."
"I'm just taking time to process everything." I told him. He nodded and sat down next to me.
"What is there to process just now?" He was being oddly inquisitive today.
"Look I don't wanna talk about this shit right now, I'm fine so stop worrying." I kinda snapped. He gave me a funny look and I softened my features. "Sorry, I didn't mean to snap."
"No it's fine, just making sure you're all good. We have a show to play tonight." He reminded me.
"I know." I nodded. "It's gonna be fun." I tried to sound as into it as possible. I was excited for the show, it's just after that would be the annoying bit for me.
"Alyssa seemed to really enjoy watching us last night." He grinned.
"Yeah, she was talking about it a lot." I told him.
"That must've been a good ego boost for you." He smirked. I folded my arms across my chest and laughed.
"You know me too well George." I said.
"It's good to see you so happy with someone." His features went soft.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"I've seen you with many girls before, no one has seemed to capture your entire attention the way that she has." He said softly.
"I think she's just amazing." I felt myself cringe at how soft I was being but it's hard not to be when talking about Alyssa. She is just perfect.
"Do you love her?" He asked me. It took me by surprise. "I just know how you get, you fall in love so easily. It wouldn't shock me."
"I don't know, it's very soon for that kinda emotion." I shrugged. I don't know if I can say yes to that one just yet. Maybe I do love her? But surely that feeling would scare her off.
"I've seen you fall quicker." He rolled his eyes.
"Well you've got me there but this is different, she was a mate first." I said. "I think it's on that track if things keep going the way that they do but I'm just taking things slow with her, making sure I don't royally fuck up like every other relationship I've ever had."
"It's a good way for you to handle it, I'm proud of you mate." George placed his hand on my shoulder.
"Thanks?" I said in a questioning tone.
"I've just never seen you more grounded in my life, since she came into the picture you've just been like a different person in all the best ways." He smiled. "I'm just happy for you is all."
"That's probably why I'm slightly terrified, if I'm honest." I mumbled.
"If you weren't scared, I'd be worried." He said.
"Yeah, me too." I laughed. I know what he means though, she has changed me a bit and even I can see that.
"I'm gonna grab food, you want anything?" He said getting up off the couch.
"Nah, I'm all good thanks." I smiled up at him. He nodded and left the bus, braving the cold weather and fans awaiting outside. I wasn't ready to go into the venue yet, since we had a few hours left until we had to sound check, I didn't see the point leaving yet.
I got up off the couch and decided to go and see what Alyssa was doing. She was sitting in our bunk, looking at a book. She glanced up at me and smiled. "And what can I do for you?" She asked, a cheery tone in her voice.
"Oh I don't know, maybe a kiss would be nice." I said nonchalantly, she grinned up at me and patted the spot next to her for me to sit.
"I think that can be granted." She said. I sat down next to her and leaned in, capturing her lips in mine. It was soft, making me feel like I was on cloud 9. It's crazy how even a kiss from her can ease some of my worries.
"Do you want to go out with the guys tonight?" I asked her. She looked at me and tilted her head to the side.
"If you want to then I wouldn't be opposed to it." She said.
"Maybe for a little." I replied.
"Then it's a date." She winked. I put my arm around her shoulder and we leaned back against the wall with our legs hanging over the edge. She opened the book and begun reading it again. Every now and then she would read out a passage she liked. I couldn't stop looking at her though, the way she would say certain words made my heart flutter. I have never met a girl with so much passion for the simple things, like just reading. She was fascinated by the language and the way things were worded, something that I enjoy more than the average person would think. It was refreshing in some way, knowing how deeply she connected to the words in front of her,
"I don't think I've ever known anyone like you." I spoke up. She closed the book but held her hand on the page so not to lose it. Her eyes met mine and she leaned up and kissed me on the cheek.
"Likewise." She whispered. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing though, she probably hasn't met anyone that has the potential to ruin her life in the way I could.
-
Alyssa
The show was just as good as last nights. I was completely under some form of spell just watching it. Who knows if I would feel this way if I didn't know the band like I do. Maybe I have such a deep connection with them as people so I find their performance to be just that little bit more beautiful to witness.
When it was over Matty pulled me to the bus, wanting some time alone before we went out for drinks. I personally think he just wanted some time to get off for a bit before we had to leave the bus and be around his band mates. The second we got on the bus his lips were attached to my neck, attacking me with kisses and bites.
"You need to change." I moaned slightly. That only encouraged him though.
"If I need to get out of these clothes, might as well make the most of it." He said against my neck. The vibrations from his words sent shivers down my spine.
"Save it for later." I told him. Although I didn't really want him to stop, we weren't exactly concealed while standing in the middle of the living area of the bus. Anyone could walk in.
"I want you now though." He said, pulling back and looking at me with desperation in his eyes. It wasn't like a sexual need though, it seemed a little deeper than that.
"Is there something wrong?" I frowned at him. He closed his eyes and shook his head.
"No." He whispered and then looked at me, a little more relaxed though. "It's just hard to be up there, seeing you singing along and looking so fucking good."
"Does it turn you on while you're on stage or something?" I smirked at him.
"To no end." He mumbled.
"You're really something." I giggled, he flashed me a grin and kissed me again, this time a little less needy though. All I could taste was the wine he'd drank on stage tonight.
"At least just give me a cheeky hand job." He said with a pout. I rolled my eyes at him and laughed.
"Go get dressed, we have drinks to consume." I told him. He threw his head back and then laughed.
"I fucking love..." He said but stopped immediately, snapping his head down and looking at me with wide eyes. I felt myself freeze on the spot, just staring back. "I'll go get changed." He said quickly and walked off to the back of the bus.
The door opened and Ross, George and Adam walked on laughing. "You guys ready?" George asked.
"Yeah, Matty's just changing." I told him, trying to act like nothing had just happened there. Did anything happen? Was I overthinking? Was he really about to say he loved me?
"Fucking hurry up Healy." Ross called out towards the back of the bus. The rest of them must've changed out of their show clothes in the venue.
"He's always the last to be ready for anything." Adam rolled his eyes. I was already wearing a simple black fitted dress with my docs so there was no need for me to change.
Matty finally walked out but he avoided my eyes completely. "There he is." George grinned.
"Let's go." Matty mumbled, walking past us all and exiting the bus. We all followed him.
The club we were going to was only a 5 minute walk from the venue so it didn't take us long to get there, thankfully. Matty didn't say anything to me though, he just walked on ahead of the group. It left me feeling a little empty though. I know he's drunk but what the fuck was that?
When we got to the club we all made our way straight to the bar, George encouraged me to do shots of Sambuca with him. I agreed only on the basis that things were now in an awkward state of unknown with Matty now and I just needed to forget that for a little bit.
George ordered us 3 each and we threw them all back as quickly as we could. "It burns." I whined.
"But it's good." He grinned at me. I nodded and ordered a drink for myself. Once I got the drink I turned and noticed Matty talking to Ross but he seemed off now. It was unlike him.
A few people recognized the guys, talking away and asking for pictures. It was kinda funny to see them in a setting like this and being noticed by fans. "You good?" Adam asked me after he finished talking to the girls that had approached them.
"Yeah." I smiled. The alcohol seemed to fill me quickly, making my head feel a little fuzzy.
"How come you're not with Matty?" He asked. I glanced over at the man himself and saw he was talking to one of the girls, the rest of her friends had left her by this point and it made me feel a little worried. I didn't want him to think I was being jealous or anything so I tried to ignore it.
"He's talking to some fan, thought it best to leave him to it." I shrugged. He nodded and sighed.
"I'm glad you decided to come out though." He told me.
"The night is young Adam, I'll tell you if I agree with that statement in a little bit." I winked at him. He smiled back at me.
"Are you enjoying the tour?" He asked.
"Yeah, it's been really fun so far." I grinned. I looked back over at Matty and he was still talking to the girl, he let out a laugh that even I could hear over the music. It made me frown a little. "What about you?"
"I love it, touring is always a good time." He beamed. "Want to get another drink?" He asked, nodding at my now empty cup.
"Yeah." I nodded quickly. If I was going to enjoy myself at all tonight then alcohol was a must.
This time I ordered 2 drinks and downed one on the spot. "Jesus Alyssa, are you trying to catch a hangover?" Adam laughed.
"It's all a part of the fun." I shrugged. He shook his head laughing and we decided to head towards a booth that was empty. I felt Matty look over at me as we walked by but I did my best not to look at him. Whatever his problem was suddenly, I wasn't here for it.
-
An hour passed by and I was beyond drunk. Adam and George kept feeding me drinks to help me keep up with them. Matty disappeared for a bit but when he returned he still didn't really look at me, let alone talk. I was fed up.
"Come dance with me George." I demanded, my words were slurring all over the place. He was sat next to Matty in the booth.
"Okay, fine." George said rolling his eyes but he got up and followed me to the dance floor. "Why didn't you ask Matty to dance?" He asked.
"He's being a moody git tonight." I said as we begun to dance.
"I have noticed that, why is he in a mood?" He continued.
"Well it was all going fine until he said something then freaked out and ran away, that's when you lot came on the bus." I explained over the loud music.
"What did he say?" He asked.
"I think he was going to say that he loves me but by the look on his face it wasn't intentional and he probably regrets it or something." I frowned. George glanced over my shoulder towards where the rest of the lads were sitting.
"Do you love him?" He then asked me, looking down at me. I spun around giggling and smiled at him.
"I don't know, it's a bit soon to tell but I care about him a lot." I said. "But maybe on some level I am in love with him." His eyes widened a little.
"And this isn't just the alcohol talking?" He pressed further, clearly wanting to confirm for himself if I was just drunk rambling.
"Like I said, maybe I do." I shrugged, coming to a halt. "But I don't know yet. I don't feel like I truly know enough about him and everything is going so fast." I said. "There's just sometimes I look at him and I've never felt anything like it before, I can't explain it George."
"Sounds like love to me." He grinned. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, getting on my toes because he's so tall.
"I love you though, George." I said loudly. "In a totally, platonic friend way."
"I love you too, you fucking riot." He said back. I pulled back and grinned at him. "You should try and talk to him."
"He won't even look at me." I furrowed my brows together.
"He's fucking looking at you now." George nodded behind me, I looked around and caught Matty staring right at us but the second he noticed me looking, his head snapped in another direction. "In fact, the entire time you've been looking elsewhere, his eyes have been glued on you."
"Then why is he acting like a big baby?" I whined.
"This is Matty we're talking about." He chuckled. "The guy has serious issues with being honest to people about his true feelings, in fact as far as I know you're the only person he's ever truly been honest with in how he feels."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"He told you how he felt about you, without being cornered into it." He said. "That's not something he does Alyssa. He did it because he cares about you and obviously, he wants to be with you in a serious manner." I looked over at Matty again, he did the exact same thing. "If he does confess his undying love for you, I wouldn't be shocked if I were you. Just be gentle with it though, like I said he isn't the most open when it comes to his feelings so when he does say it, he gets scared."
"Got it." I nodded.
"He probably freaked out, thought you would be annoyed at such a big gesture from him and is now feeling awkward." George rambled. "Matty is the kind of person who feels everything or nothing at all. With you, I think he feels it all."
"You're such a hopeless romantic aren't you?" I asked George, he chuckled and threw his head back.
"I can be sometimes but I've seen him in enough relationships to know that he doesn't take these things lightly, nor does he throw that phrase around." I nodded.
"I guess I should try and talk to him." I gave George a kiss on the cheek and then walked over to the booth.
Matty
I would really fucking love to know what the fuck they're talking about over there. Why is George looking at me every few minutes and then Alyssa will turn around and look too. Are they talking about me?
I watched as Alyssa turned and walked over towards the booth I was sitting in. Ross and Adam were in the middle of some random conversation, something that I zoned out of a few minutes ago. Alyssa walked straight towards me but I couldn't look at her, I couldn't face the music yet. I expected her to sit down next to Ross but she just grabbed my arm and yanked me to my feet. Due to how drunk I was, I didn't really have the energy to protest.
She didn't say anything though, she just pulled me through the crowds of people and led me outside. It was pretty dead out in the street, making me feel even more awkward. She stopped in front of me and stared at me, arms crossed over her chest.
The awkward tension was now thick in the air, I didn't know what to say. It's honestly a talent how speechless she could make me because I'm usually the kinda person who could fill any awkward silences. But here I was, completely unable to form any structured sentence to fix this.
"Why you being weird with me?" She finally asked.
"Why you being weird with me?" I shot back. I closed my eyes and huffed at how fucking stupid I sounded. Why did she have this affect on me, I felt like a teenager who couldn't even talk to a girl sometimes.
"You're being childish now." She mumbled. I opened my eyes and looked at her, sighing.
"I am, you're right." I said. She smirked a little at me.
"I can't believe you're admitting that I'm right." She said with a hint of smugness in her voice.
"You get 3 of those, use them wisely." I shot back.
"Tell me what the fuck is wrong? Everything was fine until you..." She stopped herself.
"Until I almost said something stupid." I mumbled.
"So you think it's stupid?" She furrowed her eyebrows. I could kick myself, that's not what I meant.
"No... I think the way I almost said it and in that setting and definitely in the timing, is what's stupid." I tried to redeem myself.
"So you didn't mean to almost say it." She said.
"I don't know." I whispered, avoiding her gaze. "It's just a bit soon to be saying things like that."
"And that's okay, just say that instead of avoiding me all night." She looked hurt.
"I'm sorry I freaked out. I was scared I fucked it up again." I tried to explain. "I'm not good with these things, I always seem to say stupid shit and make people hate me."
"I don't hate you." She said softly, looking at the ground. It was like she was disappointed for me to say all this to her. As if she wanted me to confess that I actually was in love with her. I don't know if this is the right time though, I don't know if I am fully in love yet. But I also don't think it's just a casual feeling either.
"Look if I were to have said it and not had a massive freak out like I did, would you..." I couldn't think straight, she was clouding my head and making me flustered. "Would you feel the same?"
"You won't know until you say it." She shrugged.
"Now who's being childish." I rolled my eyes, she let out a short laugh.
"Maybe I am." She smirked.
"Just answer the question." I said firmly.
"Just say it." She demanded. We just stared at each other, both too stubborn to give in.
"You say it." I muttered under my breath.
"Maybe if you say it first." She shot back. I felt myself burst into a fit of laughter at how immature we were both being. She started laughing too.
"I kinda think I'm in love with you." I finally said, not breaking eye contact. She turned serious for a second and then broke out into a massive smile.
"I think I might love you back." She whispered. Hearing her say it out loud, heck even hearing myself say it out loud made me feel so much lighter. It kinda solidified the feeling a bit.
I closed the distance between us and kissed her, wrapping my arms around her waist. "Good." I mumbled against her lips.