The next morning, they were all eating breakfast together, and Lisa had even managed to coax Ryujin out of bed early with the gift of some bacon, but neither of them looked too happy about being up that early. Seolhyun had cadets again – her second week there – and she was a little less grouchy than she normally would've been about being up before eleven on the weekend, which didn't bode well for Jennie's plan. Chaerin listened with interest, as the only one who could manage to talk about the military without feeling bitterly upset, or having no clue what she was talking about. Jennie silently sulked as she listened to her daughter talk, stabbing at the frittata on her plate with a little too much resentment.
"So last week they told us we have this real soldier coming in today," Seolhyun excitedly said, "like an actual real one who served in Afghanistan. He apparently did three tours, and he's in town and they asked him to come and tell us a bit about his job."
"Sounds like you'll learn a lot," Chaerin said, her eyes darting to Jennie's and gaze softening slightly in pity.
Smiling brightly, Seolhyun nodded happily, "mhm, he's supposedly like this big war hero too. He must've seen a lot of combat, and probably killed a lot of people to be awarded that heavily. Hey ma, did you- did you ever kill-"
"Don't ever ask me that question," Lisa sharply cut her daughter off, a haunted look in her blue eyes as she tightly gripped her knife and fork in her hands. Everyone was caught off guard by the harsh words, and Seolhyun frowned slightly in confusion, her fork halfway to her mouth.
"I didn't me-"
Jennie reached out to gently touch Seolhyun on the arm, while Ryujin shoved a forkful of eggs into her mouth, looking between them all, trying to gauge the situation as she ate her breakfast. At the gentle touch on her arm, Seolhyun cut off, pouting slightly as she slumped in her chair. Of course she hadn't meant anything by her comment – she was just curious, and had spoken thoughtlessly – but today was a bad day to have asked. Lisa had spent all of the night before in bed, and Jennie had ordered the promised Chinese food and the two of them had watched old movies together, while Chaerin helped the girls with their homework and played scrabble with Ryujin while Seolhyun played the piano. It had been a quiet night, but this morning, nothing had changed, and Lisa was still as reserved as yesterday, uncharacteristically staying quiet through breakfast. Of course it had to do with Seolhyun's excitement at her second week of cadets, but it was largely due to her surprise run in with Taehyun yesterday. It had shaken her more than she liked to admit, but not as much as it had the first time, and Jennie was extra attentive this morning, well-tuned to picking up on the non-verbal cues that signified Lisa's moods.
"Ryujin, how would you like to go to the museum today, sweetheart?" Chaerin piped up, abruptly changing the topic, and Ryujin perked up at the mention of the museum and excitedly agreed. Jennie threw a grateful look at her mom, who gave her a tiny nod in acknowledgement, and slowly exhaled in relief at the thought of having some alone time with Lisa to help her sort through things. It would make it easier for them to talk without being interrupted by Ryujin asking if they had carrots to go and feed to the horses, or if Jennie would come and paint her nails for her. Not that Jennie cared at all – she loved to spend as much time with the girls as possible, because the weekends, mornings and evenings were all they ever really had together – but today wasn't going to be easy on Lisa. Jennie had found that the hardest part about being a parent was keeping it together for the sake of the kids, especially when they didn't understand what the problems were and just needed their mom, but sometimes you just needed to fall apart, and Chaerin was giving Lisa that option today.
Breakfast was tense for the rest of the morning, but Lisa numbly kissed Seolhyun goodbye on the cheek and told her to stay safe, and Jennie could see the guilt on both of their faces for unintentionally upsetting each other. Kissing her daughter goodbye and fixing the collar of her jacket, Jennie watched Seolhyun walk outside, and turned to Lisa, cupping her cheeks in her hands and reaching up to give her a gentle kiss. "She didn't mean anything by it," Jennie quietly said, "and saying no wouldn't be a lie."
"Their deaths are on me," Lisa hoarsely replied, "and that's okay. I came to terms with that a long time ago."
"No one blames you for that," Jennie assured her, her arms encircling Lisa as she held her close, feeling Lisa sink into the warm embrace as she let some of the tension bleed out of her.
"No, they just reward me instead," Lisa bitterly replied, giving Jennie a quick squeeze before pulling back. She gave her a sad smile and a quick kiss on the tip of her nose when she saw the concerned look in Jennie's eyes, and Jennie gave her a silent searching look, almost begging for her to open up more about it. They'd been trying so hard to talk about things, but sometimes they hit a wall, and this was a big one for Lisa – the biggest – and Jennie knew that it would take some time to jump that hurdle, but right now she just wanted Lisa to vent. To let go of some of the pain she'd bottled up for so long. "I'm okay, Jennie. You don't have to worry."
Jennie let out a slightly strangled laugh, picking up one of Lisa's hands and pressing a kiss to the back of it as she held it tightly in her own, "I worry about you every moment that I'm awake. Sometimes I worry about you in my dreams too."
Running her free hand through her awry hair, Lisa gave her another small smile, "then I guess that makes two of us. Come on, let's go and see if Ryujin wants to take Orsa for a walk with us before your mom takes her out."
"Okay," Jennie readily agreed, giving her hand another quick squeeze before they wandered back to the kitchen to find their youngest daughter rifling through the cupboards for food, while an excited puppy sat at her feet, waiting for the snacks that Ryujin was sneaking to her. Lisa and Jennie both laughed as they shook their heads; everything would be okay, because they all still had each other, and for the girls, nothing had changed.
-----
Jennie was wrapping up some paperwork, having left Lisa to sift through a stack of the most recent photos she'd taken, smiling whenever her phone vibrated with another photo of the polaroid's that Lisa was going through. They were all sweet or funny, and Jennie would set her pen down to pick up her phone and look at it, before sending a reply back. They'd spent the rest of the morning tidying up around the house, just the two of them dancing around the topic at hand while they worked together to tidy up the mess of two teenagers who had a bad habit of leaving their things strewn around the massive house. The familiarity of something as simple as cleaning helped to settle Lisa's twitchy nerves, and with the sound of music drifting from the record player in the corner of the living room, they'd made quick work of the place, and Lisa had seemed to be better. Jennie still watched her closely though, trying not to smother her, but still reaching out to gently touch her arm, or silently give her a questioning look. They spoke a little about yesterday, and Jennie suggested a quick trip to the therapist again, but Lisa shot that idea down again.
It was a tricky thing to handle, because it had all happened so long ago for Lisa, and she'd mostly come to terms with everything and moved on with her life, but sometimes, when things came back to shake her up, she couldn't help but feel like she was still in that headspace. Her PTSD never came back in full force, and her flashbacks were fewer than her panic attacks, but they still occasionally came. Those were the worst parts, because she couldn't stop those, but after decades of practice, her and Jennie both knew how to manage them and keep her grounded, which was some small comfort. She'd been lucky yesterday, and had swallowed her panic before she'd let it get the best of her, and had let Jennie take care of her and keep her grounded, but Lisa would be lying if she said it hadn't left her rattled. Jennie could see it in the tired circles under her eyes, even though Lisa hadn't woken up at all last night, and in the slightly hunched set of her shoulders, as if the weight of all of her memories were dragging her down. Photography was the only way she could unwind right now, and so, Jennie had left her to it when Lisa had assured her that she was fine, and gone about her own business so that she could stay on top of things.
She was in the middle of a phone call with Sam, who was calling about Ryujin's soccer game with Shin Hye tomorrow, as well as about some business, when raised voices came from downstairs. Frowning, Jennie pushed her chair back, rolling away from the desk and climbing to her feet, trying to focus on Sam's words and the loud ones from downstairs, as she made her way to the door. "Hey, Sam, um, can I give you a call back? I've, uh, I need to check on something quickly."
"Of course!" her friend replied, "I'll see you tomorrow anyway, so we can talk then if you're busy for the rest of the night. Say hi to Lisa and the girls for me."
"Yeah, sure," Jennie replied, "bye, Sam."
Hanging up, Jennie frowned as she pulled open the door to her office and stepped out into the hallway, walking towards the top of the stairs. She was almost bowled over by her teary-eyed daughter, who shot her a venomous look as she bumped past, and Jennie stumbled slightly, caught off guard by the sudden hostility. Reaching out, she grabbed Seolhyun's arm and jerked her around, "hey, what's going on?"
Her daughter let out a sharp laugh, tearing her arm out of Jennie's grip and all but running upstairs. Mouth open in surprise, Jennie was torn between going after her daughter or going to ask Lisa what all the shouting was about. Ryujin and Chaerin were already home, and Jennie wasn't sure who the shouting had been between, but it looked like it was more serious than just the two girls' usual bickering and arguing. Choosing Lisa, Jennie turned around, making it down two steps before she saw Lisa racing up towards her, her face white and her eyes red and full of tears. "What happened?" Jennie immediately asked, quickly jogging down the next few steps and reaching out for Lisa, wiping away the tears on her cheeks as she felt her panic well up inside.
"She knows," Lisa choked out, "sh-she knows about me."
Jennie felt a lump form in her throat at the obvious fear in her wife's eyes, and the slightly accusing look there too, and she swallowed the lump as she forced herself to reply, "how?"
"Someone from cadets, I guess," Lisa choked out, "I don't know, she won't talk to me. She just- she came in and she wouldn't even look at me, and then she said-" drawing in a shuddering breath, Lisa shook her head, looking at Jennie with panicked eyes, "I need to talk to her."
Taking her wife's hand in her own, Jennie turned around and started dragging her upstairs, rounding the first set of stairs for the second set, and Jennie dropped Lisa's hand in favour of a comforting hand on her back as they walked down the hallway. Outside their daughter's closed door, Jennie hesitated, raising a hand to knock. There was no response, and Jennie sighed, "Hyun, come on, we just want to talk to you."
With no response, and a few banging noises, Jennie turned to Lisa and shrugged, turning the handle and pushing the door open. Jennie's eyebrows flew open in surprise, taking in the mess of clothes being roughly pulled from the closet and drawers, while her sobbing daughter shoved handfuls into a duffle bag. "Wha- Hyun, what're you doing?" Jennie sighed, stepping inside with Lisa close behind her.
"I'm g-going," her daughter stammered as she choked on a sob, "I don't want t-to stay here anymore." Feeling a sharp pain in her chest, Jennie took a step closer, reaching out to gently touch her on the shoulder, jerking back as her daughter whirled around as if she was going to lash out at her. "Don't touch me," she hoarsely replied.
"You haven't even told us what's wrong," Jennie softly said, "talk to us, please."
"No, I don't want to talk to you," Seolhyun snapped, "you lied to me. Didn't you?"
Biting her lip, Jennie turned slightly to look at Lisa, who was staring at their daughter with a pained look on her face. There was a pleading look on her face, like she was trying to ask her to understand, and she drew in a deep breath as she stepped towards her. "We've never lied to you. There are just things that we never told you."
"Like that you died," Seolhyun said, her voice cracking as she looked at Lisa.
Lisa swallowed thickly, and Jennie reached out to lay a gentle hand on her shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze as more tears spilled onto Lisa's pink cheeks, "I'm right here."
"But you did, didn't you? You were d-dead for two weeks, that's what they thought," their daughter asked, a look of betrayal on her face as she looked at her mom's standing before her. Jennie was silent – she didn't know what to say, and this was Lisa's talk to have with her – and she clung to Lisa, keeping her upright and being a lifeline for her as she felt her wife draw in a shuddering breath.
"That's what they thought," Lisa said, stressing the word thought, "but I was... fine. I am fine."
"You're lying again!" Seolhyun hysterically laughed, "The past few weeks, you've been acting weird, and th-the panic attack in the car. Did you really think I was that stupid? Were you ever going to tell me?"
Lisa quickly nodded, clenching her teeth together as she grimaced like she was in physical pain, "of course! We were- we were waiting for the right time."
Another sharp laugh, and Seolhyun started stripping off her cadet's uniform, tossing the muddy overalls onto the bed and kicking the boots off to land where they came to a stop. Pulling on some black jeans and a faded grey t-shirt that Jennie recognized as her own. Zipping up the bag, Seolhyun turned around, crossing her arms across her chest as she glowered at her parents. "When was the right time, ma? You had seventeen years to tell me. You couldn't find one right moment in there to tell me."
Taking a step forward, Lisa reached out for Seolhyun, who dodged away from her, stubbornly wiping away a stray tear as she jutted her chin forward. Lisa exhaled forcefully, sniffing quietly as she stood frozen in place. "I needed more time," she said, her voice breaking as she spoke, "It's hard for me, Hyun. This is something I don't talk about – not even with your mom. I need you to understand that."
"I don't understand, ma!" Seolhyun exclaimed, "There's so much that would've been different if I'd known!"
"What would've?" Jennie quickly asked, "Your decision to go into the army? You can still change your mind about that."
Seolhyun cracked a wide smile, shaking her head in disbelief as she looked at Jennie, "so that's what this was all about? You put me in there hoping that I'd change my mind? You left it up t-to your friend to tell me because you couldn't even tell me to my face. Was he supposed to talk me out of it for you? God, do you even fucking care what I want?"
"Careful," Jennie warned her.
"Or what, you won't tell me about the time you almost died?" Seolhyun laughed, "or are you and mama secretly divorcing and keeping that from us too. What, you were just okay with her not telling me? You couldn't tell me yourself?"
Jennie bristled slightly, raising her own chin as she stubbornly set her jaw and gave her daughter a stern look, "this was your mother's choice, and we thought it would be better for everyone if she told you when she was ready to. We were going to tell you soon."
"Oh like I'm going to believe a word that comes out of your mouth!" Seolhyun hotly replied, "All you do is lie – it's what you're good at. You didn't tell me about Jiyong, or this, so how am I supposed to trust you? We're a family, we're supposed to tell each other things."
"You're a child," Jennie snapped, "and you do what you're told, and we tell you what you need to know. You're not an adult in this, and if you're going to act so childish then we'll treat you like a child. Now sit down. Let your mama explain."
"Seolhyun, please," Lisa quietly asked.
There was a brief flicker of hesitation as their daughter's resolve wavered, but then she steeled herself and reached out for a black leather jacket and shrugged it on, before fetching a pair of shoes and lacing her boots up. Climbing to her feet, she gave them both a wounded look, feeling betrayed by it, and she was breathing rapidly, her hands shaking slightly as she reached out for her bag, slinging over one shoulder. She walked towards them, trying to brush past, but Jennie stopped her with a hand on her shoulder, giving her a hard look.
"I'm not letting you leave this house," Jennie told her in a low voice.
Unfortunately, Seolhyun had Jennie's stubbornness, and she just laughed in her face as she shrugged off her mom's touch, towering over her by half a foot, "you can't stop me."
She bumped into Lisa as she rushed over to the door, slipping out into the hallway, with Jennie storming after her, with Lisa trying not to cry as she trailed behind. Jennie rushed after the heavy footsteps, muttering curses under her breath as she chased down her daughter, her feet quick on the stairs as she ran down them. Chaerin and Ryujin were hovering in the doorway of the kitchen, Chaerin's arms wrapped around her granddaughter's shoulders as they watched the scene unfold before them. Seolhyun was rifling through the pockets of her jacket for her car keys, and Jennie was quickly running down the steps.
"Seolhyun, I swear to God, if you take one step outside that door, you're grounded from now until college," Jennie said.
"I don't give a shit what you say, and I'm not going to college," Seolhyun choked out, the keys jangling in her hand as she cast a quick look at Jennie, before her eyes darted behind her. Jennie turned to look up at Lisa, who was as white as she was, and frozen at the top of the stairs, a scared look on her face as she watched her daughter leave. Lisa made a small sound of protest, unable to even make her lips move, and Jennie turned back around, watching Seolhyun open the front door.
Her feet pounded on the last few steps, and she stepped out onto the cold stone of the front step, grabbing a fistful of her daughter's jacket and pulling her to a stop. It was still light out, the sun only just starting to set, and Jennie looked up at her daughter with a pleading look in her eyes. "Please. We love you, we've only ever wanted to help protect you."
"Well you didn't," Seolhyun bitterly replied, "you just made things worse."
Jennie frowned in confusion, shaking her head slightly, "what did you do? What would have changed if we'd told you? We can help you, whatever it is."
"No, you can't," her daughter choked out, a sob falling from her lips before she could step herself, and Jennie instinctively reached out to wrap her in a hug. She hated to see her girls upset, and right now, she just wanted to comfort her, and make her hot chocolate and tell her stories about when she was younger, while they looked at some of Lisa's photos. She'd always been able to make her daughter feel better, but whatever she was hiding – because Jennie realized there had been something wrong, maybe not a boyfriend, but something – Jennie couldn't help her with it. Seolhyun wouldn't let her help. "You can't help me. I don't want your help; I don't want anything off you. I hate you – I hate you both."
Leaving Jennie standing on the top step, shivering in the cold January weather, Seolhyun pulled her hand out of her mom's hand, while Jennie stood there blinking in surprise. Of course there had been arguments before, they butted heads often and had their differing opinions, but Seolhyun had never once said that she hated her mom's. They'd never fought to the extent where things had been that bad, and even if she didn't mean anything by it, it had hit Jennie harder than expected. Blinking slowly at the sound of wheels spinning, she registered the fact that Seolhyun was in her car, taking off down the driveway, and they had no idea where she was even going. It wasn't until Chaerin walked over to the front door, reaching outside to pull Jennie back in, that she moved, her feet numb as she stepped back into the warmth of the house and shut the door behind her. Ryujin looked so little as she hovered in the kitchen doorway, confused at what had happened, and Lisa was sitting on the top step of the stairs, her arms wrapped around her knees as quietly sobbed.
Running a hand over her tired face, Jennie blinked slowly, frowning as she looked at Chaerin, "hey mom, how about you and Ryujin put a film on in the living room."
Slowly nodding, Chaerin cast a wary look at her daughter, and then her daughter-in-law, before beckoning for Ryujin to come to her, and ushering her into the closest sitting room, the door tightly shutting behind her. Jennie exhaled forcefully, as if she'd been holding her breath and was desperate for more air, and she quickly crossed over to the staircase, climbing the first couple of steps. Lisa climbed to her feet and abruptly turned around as Jennie walked up to her, frowning as she quickened her pace.
"Lisa! Hey, Lisa, it's fine," Jennie called after her, jogging to Catch up, gently touching her on the arm, "she'll get over it, she'll be home tonight, you'll see. We'll just- we'll talk to her later. We'll get her to listen and- and you can explain what happened – to both of them – and we'll just put everything out in the open. She'll understand."
"I think she made it quite clear that she doesn't want to listen," Lisa stiffly replied.
"We're her mother's," Jennie said, "We'll make her listen."
Lisa whirled around with a look of accusation on her face, "just like you were going to make her realize that going in the army was a bad idea? This is all your fault. You let her go there, and now someone else- they told her, not me, they did. I should've been the one to tell her, but because you had another great fucking idea, which has backfired spectacularly, now she won't even listen to me."
Wincing at the harsh words, Jennie grits her teeth in anger as she frowned, "so now this is my fault? You're the one who insisted on waiting! I told you to tell her a long time ago – tell both of them – but you said no, you weren't ready, and that was fine by me, you could take as long as you wanted to, but don't say that it's my fault when I told you to tell them. I wouldn't have had to come up with another idea if you'd told her. She wouldn't have needed to know what the army was like, because she should've been told by you."
"And I couldn't tell her!" Lisa snapped, her eyes glistening with tears, and Jennie's mouth went dry at the rare look of anger on her wife's face. She wanted to wrap her in a hug too, but she would just pull away too, too wrapped up in her sharp words and heartache to seek the comfort of her wife. "If I could've I would've! It's not my fault!"
"It's not my fault either!" Jennie spluttered, "I was trying to stop her, in case you didn't realize."
"Oh well great job, Jennie, our teenage daughter is upset and driving to who knows where and we have no fucking clue when she's coming home," Lisa exploded.
Sighing, Jennie reached out for her, feeling the stab of rejection when Lisa took a step backwards. Putting up her cold front, Jennie's face hardened as she took a step back too, and she saw the realization on Lisa's face at the fact that she'd hurt Jennie's feelings, and she opened her mouth, making to move towards her, but was cut off by Jennie, "save it. I'll be back later."
"Where are you going?" Lisa called after her as Jennie jogged downstairs, walking over to the coat hooks and slipping her own on, before jamming her feet into the first pair of shoes that were hers. Fishing the keys out of her pocket, Jennie walked over to the door, hearing Lisa shout after her. "Jennie, where are you going?"
She didn't bother replying as she stepped outside and slammed the door behind her.
-----
It was pitch black outside and Jennie was still driving around the city, going to every place she knew that Seolhyun liked to visit, keeping an eye out for the sleek Ferrari with no luck. She didn't bother calling anyone to see if she was there, because she knew that the people that Seolhyun would go to would call her if she turned up, and she was right, because a few hours later, her phone rang, and Jisoo's name lit up the screen. Scrambling for the phone, Jennie kept her eyes on the road as she slid across to answer.
"Hello?" she breathlessly answered.
"Hey, so, uh, we've got the mini Goth at our place crying her eyes out, and I'm just wondering if you're aware of that, or if this is brand new information?" Jisoo drawled into the phone, and Jennie let out a sigh of relief. She was at Rosé and Jisoo's place – of course that's where she'd think to go first, but Jennie had been worried when they hadn't called and said she was there. "So I'll take that as a yes to being aware. We tried calling Lisa but she's not picking up."
"We had a fight," Jennie hesitantly told her, feeling embarrassed about it.
Jisoo quietly laughed, "Yeah, well I didn't think my niece was crying for no reason. She won't stop though – gets that from you I suppose – so we don't really know what happened. Rosé is trying to comfort her and – Doyeon, leave her alone – yeah, well she won't stop fucking crying so she's not really getting very far on that end. Want to tell me what I'm dealing with? I mean, I know I'm a cop, but I'd rather not have to have to open a whole case as to why I have a teenager acting like she just killed- oh no, Lisa told her?"
Jennie couldn't stop the laughter that bubbled up, and she sobbed slightly, wiping at her eyes as she braked at the red light. "Not exactly. She didn't get the chance to; she was at cadets today and... I don't know, she wouldn't even talk to us. And then Lisa and I- well, I don't think anyone's happy right now. It's fine though – it'll all be fine. I'll swing by and get her now."
"Nope," Jisoo said, "I'm not getting a call at midnight saying there's been a homicide at the Kim estate because someone's been murdered. I'm not up for a game of Cluedo right now. Just... go home, talk to Lisa, and I'll let Rosé handle... whatever's happening here. We've got the spare room, she can stay there, and I'll even make her pancakes in the morning if she's not an asshole crier like you. I'll bring her back tomorrow."
Sighing, Jennie ran a hand over her face, "okay. Yeah, okay, that'd be great. Thanks, Jisoo – and tell Rosé I said thanks."
"Do you want me to send the fucking therapist over once she's done with Seolhyun? I'm sure there's one too many wounded egos in your house tonight. You know Rosé won't mind, especially if it's to do with that."
"No, it's fine," Jennie assured her, "she'll be alright. I'll get her to give Rosé a call in the morning though."
"Okay. Maybe have a drink when you get it – you sound stressed. Fuck, I don't envy all the shit in your life right now. I'm kind of glad I'm not a billionaire."
Shaking her head, Jennie let out a loud laugh, "yeah, thanks for the reminder. Being rich is the exact cause of all of my problems right now. Have a good night."
"Not bloody likely," Jisoo snorted, "you'd think her mother was a ghost with the way she's carrying on. Must be quite a shock to find out your mother was presumed dead for two weeks. She should try going to the funeral – that was a bit rough."
"You're an ass," Jennie sighed, her lips twitching slightly, "and I don't think that's the problem. I don't know what it is, but she's not telling us something. I had a feeling – I even asked her about dating just to be sure – but she won't tell us."
"Your little weirdo loves me, I'll have a quick chat to her," Jisoo said, "I'll even put on my uniform and scare it out of her if I have to."
"You're a major ass," Jennie said, rolling her eyes.
Laughing, Jisoo sighed, and her voice softened slightly, "really though, just leave it to me and Rosé for tonight. Try not to worry too much, and try not to argue. I'll see you tomorrow."
Jennie said goodbye and listened to the silence as Jisoo hung up, and she sighed as she turned at the next set of lights, making a quick square and heading back home. The house was dark as she pulled up, and Jennie felt a flicker of disappointment and sadness at the thought of Lisa going to bed angry and upset with her, and the thought of her daughter not coming home to bed at all. The door creaked slightly as she opened it, and Jennie fumbled in the dark for the coat hook, kicking her heels off and carelessly leaving them on the floor. Slowly moving through the house, making sure she was quiet, Jennie slipped into the games room and poured herself a double scotch, before slipping back out of the room and heading for the stairs. In the light from her phone torch, she went upstairs, all the way to the third floor, and hesitated as she reached Seolhyun's closed door, which had a thin beam of light spilling out from under it. Swallowing the lump in her throat, Jennie opened the door, and Lisa raised her head at the movement, her eyes red and puffy behind her glasses, and a half-drunk cup of tea in her hands. The clothes that had been carelessly tossed around the room were now neatly folded at the end of the bed, courtesy of Lisa, and Jennie felt herself breathe a little easier at the sight of her wife.
"She's at Rosé's," Jennie said, and Lisa nodded.
"I know," she murmured, "Jisoo called."
"Want something a little stronger?" Jennie asked, draining half of the scotch as she drifted over to Lisa and held out the rest of it. Her hands were warm as she took the glass and drained it, setting it down on the nightstand, and Jennie sat down beside her, keeping her hands to herself for now. Lisa opened her mouth to say something, but Jennie cut her off, feeling the need to speak first. "I'm sorry."
Lisa climbed to her feet, quietly laughing as she slowly walked towards the door, "forget about it."
Climbing to her feet and snagging the empty glass off the nightstand before following after her, Jennie sighed, "come on, Lisa, you know I didn't mean it."
"When have you ever said something you didn't mean?" Lisa snorted.
Jennie couldn't help but feel a little sheepish at that, because she hadn't meant her words to be harsh, but she did mean some of it. She had told Lisa to tell the girls sooner, on more than one occasion, and maybe Seolhyun wouldn't have still wanted to join the army, and might not have joined cadets. There were a whole series of events that might not have happened if one of them had acted a little differently, or been a little persistent, and it wasn't fair to blame either of them for what they'd done.
"Well that's beside the point," Jennie spluttered, "I didn't mean to upset you. I didn't- you know I would never blame you for all of this. She doesn't blame you either, not really."
"Sounded pretty fucking clear that she does," Lisa laughed, and Jennie flinched slightly. Only when she was really mad did Lisa swear, and that's when Jennie knew to choose her words carefully. "Hates us too, apparently."
Jennie quietly laughed, shaking her head, "she doesn't. She didn't mean it."
"Oh yeah, how do you know?" Lisa sharply asked.
"Because I was her. I told my mom I hated her every time I saw her for about five years. We fought and argued and I'd get mad and I would tell her I hated her, and that I wished she wasn't my mom. Even when the fights got really bad, I never really hated her though. I was a kid - she's a kid," Jennie told her, "she'll be mad for a while and then she- she'll listen, and we'll move past this."
Lisa let out a laugh of disbelief, shaking her head, "that isn't how I want things to be, Jennie. I don't want my kids to have your childhood, you even said that yourself. She's going to turn-"
"Like me?" Jennie asked, a wavering smile on her lips as her eyes shone with unshed tears, "You think I'm not scared about that? That I don't think about how much I'm fucking things up every single day? Every time I snap at them or tell them to do something, I'm scared that I'm going to lose them because they'll see me the way that I saw my mom. That terrifies me. You think that it didn't hurt to have her tell me that she hates me?"
"No! That's not what- you're not your mom, Jennie! And Seolhyun's not you. But I don't want lies and secrets and arguments," Lisa told her, "I want us to be a family. I want us to be okay again."
Jennie made a sound of frustration, giving Lisa an incredulous look. "Okay? Okay! Things haven't been okay in weeks! The past two months have been hell for me, and I've been trying so hard-"
"Mom?" a small voice said from a few doors down, and Jennie and Lisa both whipped their heads around to peer into the darkness, making out the faint outline of a figure standing in the doorway to Ryujin's room, "is everything okay? Is Seolhyun home?"
Lisa brushed past Jennie, rushing over to Ryujin and wrapping her in a hug as she spoke quietly to her. "Hey baby, everything's fine. Seolhyun's staying at Aunt Rosé's tonight, but everything's okay. Why don't you go to bed, hm? You need to rest if you're going to win your soccer game tomorrow."
It was silent for a few moments, and Jennie could feel the ache in her chest growing. She didn't want anger and shouting and sharp words, she wanted both of her girls safely home, and Lisa's soft spoken words and warm smiles. She wanted the delicate touches and gentle kisses, and the Lisa that she'd had before she'd bumped into Taehyun again. She didn't resent Lisa for the way she behaved, and didn't blame her at all, but Jennie would be lying if she said that she didn't miss it when they were all happy and stress free. With the accumulation of everything, it had become too much for them to get by like it was just a little bump in the road, and day after day of stress and tears and arguing had been wearing them both down. It had been almost two months since everything had taken a sharp turn downwards, and the bad had overshadowed the sunny spots. Lisa, they could've managed, or Chaerin's cancer or trouble with the girls, they could've managed, but all three at once was too much.
The dull ache inside became too much, and Jennie craved a comforting touch of someone who wasn't angry at her right now, and she crossed over to Ryujin's door, pulling her daughter into a tight hug, closing her eyes as she felt some of the fight fade away. Pulling back, she kissed the side of her daughter's head, "go on then, back to bed, love. We'll see you in the morning. I love you."
"Yeah, I love you both too," Ryujin tiredly mumbled, "goodnight."
Lisa murmured a quiet goodnight, and a few moments later they were both staring at a closed door. Turning away, Lisa slowly padded down the hallway, sighing as she tightened the belt of her fluffy robe, and Jennie took a step after her. "Lisa."
Pausing slightly, Lisa turned back around, retracing her steps to kiss Jennie on the cheek, "don't come to bed yet. I'd like to be alone for a little while."
Heart sinking, Jennie nodded, willing herself not to cry, but not managing to keep her voice steady as she replied, her voice quiet in the dark. "I love you."
"I know," Lisa softly replied, "I love you too."
Choking back a sob, Jennie followed after her, but instead of stopping on the second floor and going to bed with her, she carried on down to the first story, returning to the games room and pouring herself another glass of scotch. Sitting in a leather armchair near the fireplace, the lamp bathing the room in a warm glow, she drank her drink, scratching the belly of an excited puppy, who had followed her in. Feeling tired down to her very bones, Jennie decided to go to one of the spare rooms instead, craving the dark comfort of sleep almost as much as Lisa's warm embrace, but knowing that she owed Lisa her space after their argument.
Draining her glass, she left it on the end table, switched off the lamp and carried Orsa back to her bed in one of the coat rooms, whispering goodnight to the puppy before she dragged her feet as she wearily climbed upstairs. There was an empty bedroom in the one beside her own, and she stripped off her jeans and jumper, before climbing into bed, sighing as the silk sheets slid against her bare skin and her limbs relaxed. Sleep didn't come easily though, and she tossed and turned for hours, until the sound of the door creaking open reached her ears. Pushing the blankets back, Jennie sat up, squinting in the dark as she listened to the door click closed again, and bare feet pad over to the bed. She didn't have to ask to know that it was Lisa, and she rolled over to the other side of the bed, making room for her. The mattress jostled as Lisa climbed in next to her, and neither of them spoke, but Jennie felt the gentle brush of fingers against her lower back, and she let out a shaky breath, her eyes fluttering closed as she reached out and let her own hand briefly touch Lisa's. After that she fell asleep quickly, but it wasn't the same without being in Lisa's arms, and when she woke up the next morning, on the opposite side of the bed to Lisa, she couldn't help but feel sad.