It's nearing six in the morning and she's sleeping soundly next to him- she has been for the last two hours, and he thinks thank God. Her body is laid on it's side, with her stomach and chest partially strewn over his own. He can feel the rise and fall of her chest, and small heated breaths leaving her body as her mind goes through REM. Her arm stretched across the expanse of his chest, the ends of her fingers dangled over the edge of his body.
6:01 am.
It's not lost on him the intimacy of their position. The memories of how he would lay in bed with Maria like this flooded his memory for a moment, but this wasn't his soon to be ex wife. This was Olivia Benson: his goddamn partner. He knows the nature of their relationship is just as close friends, but he also knows that's complete and utter bullshit. Since her last abduction- since that warehouse they had been bound to one another like glue. Olivia found solace in his company.
It started that night she called him just a few hours after she insisted they leave her at home alone after being released from the hospital...
Then....
Olivia had finally been released from the hospital after spending nearly six hours there getting testing done and evaluated to make sure it was safe for her to come home. She couldn't believe that she had to go through this entire ordeal again. Except this time that son of a bitch was dead. He'd put a bullet in his head right in front of her, his blood splattered all over her as he fell to the ground; his brain matter leaking through the hole in his skull. She remembers it all so vividly yet she's trying so hard to already forget it happened.
He'd almost raped her- killed her.
She can't shake the memory of his gun on her, forcing her to play a game of russian roulette. The circular end of the metal touching her temple as she urges herself to pull the trigger. This was it.
"Liv?" She was pulled from her reverie. Her body was laid out on her couch as the guys tried to help her get settled in as much as they could.
"I'm sorry what did you say?" She couldn't even hide that she was completely out of it. The images played through her mind like a reel of footage, only showcasing the most brutal parts of her torture.
"Do you want us to stay with you?" Fin stood near the coffee table with his hands shoved into his pockets. She knew he was trying his hardest but the look of worry on his face wasn't helping her case at all.
"No, I'll be fine. I just need some quiet," Nick came from the kitchen with a glass of water in his hand and a bottle of ibuprofen.
"You sure?"
"I'm sure. I know if I need anything to call."
"Anytime," Nick emphasizes.
"Anytime," she repeats back to him and gives a faint smile. He feels the entire world still around him when he sees the sadness etched into her face. Olivia is trying her hardest to appear okay in front of them- this he knows. For chrissakes, she had just endured a scenario he wouldn't even wish on his worst enemy.
This was his partner, his best friend and one of the strongest women he knows. To see her so...broken? He can't seem to process it. Not again.
"You rest up. Good night, Liv," Fin heads for the door and looks over at her for a moment more until she closes her eyes. His feet feel like blocks of cement as he urges himself to leave her, and for his own selfish reasons he hopes that she does call him tonight.
"I'll have my phone on me," he says softly before turning away and following Fin.
Now....
6:03 am
It's time to get up for work and he debates if it's truly worth going in if it means leaving this bed. "They're just friends," he knows. Just friends who spent almost every night together, sleeping in the same bed; who gave each other forehead kisses and pecks to the cheek, cried to one another as they both went through the toughest moments in their lives. He's going down a whirlwind of flooding emotions and shakes the thought of them being anything more. He feels like an asshole for even thinking about it but there wasn't anyway they would be remaining just friends.
She stirred against his body almost as if she could hear everything going on up there in his head. He began moving swiftly from underneath her and he thought he had succeeded until he heard her mumble his name. "I'm right here Liv. I gotta wake Zara up for school, you rest," he leaned over the king bed with his forearms resting on the mattress. It bowed with added weight and her body turned more towards him. Her eyes were barely opened trying to seek him out in the darkness of the room. He rubbed her hair back from her face and kissed her forehead before pulling the comforter up further and padding his way down the hall.
.....
"I'll be right outside," Nick sat in the driver's side of the unmarked SUV parked outside the three story building. Today was therapy day and Olivia was down to one session a week. He was so proud of her. For the last few months he's been taking her to make sure she goes. It has been their routine every week since that first day he offered to take her for support. Nick sat outside waiting for the hour and sometimes even grabbed her a coffee or a snack for after. It was comforting she admitted and couldn't imagine what she would have done without him here.
"See you in an hour," she gives him a small smile before opening the door and heading inside. It was only two weeks ago that she only started coming once a week. Her and Dr. Lindstorm had made so much progress, and as much as she protested therapy she's thankful she bit the bullet and went.
She stepped off the elevator to the second floor and walked through the familiar hallways until she reached his office. She knocked before entering and was glad to finally feel comfortable entering this room. Therapy was scary and defeating sometimes, it always felt like a chore to come here. Now it felt like the one place she could go and not feel like a victim- like she wasn't going completely insane and instead felt like she was healing and moving on with her life.
"Hi Olivia, how are you?" Dr. Lindstorm stood from his desk and just like routine had come around to join her on the two cushioned arm chairs.
"I'm hanging in there," she settled into the chair across from him and wrapped her cardigan tighter around her, suddenly feeling a chill around her.
"You sound a lot different than last week," it was his job to ask, to be concerned but she sometimes wished he wasn't so adamant sometimes.
"I had a night terror- last night actually," her voice is quiet and can't help the shame that follows admitting it out loud for the first time to anyone besides Nick. Her lips pursed together trying to form together the right words. It had been weeks, yes, since her last terror but she felt defeated. This chapter of her life would never close. She would always be healing, always working towards "normal".
"How did you handle that?" He jots down a few notes and looks back up to her.
"Oh well..." she blows out a deep breath sending the few hairs framing her face up. "Nick was there to help me through it. He made me tea, we talked about it, and somehow I managed to get a few hours of sleep afterwards," there's a pause that follows between them and it causes her to fidget with the sleeve of her cardigan.
"You're still sleeping at Nick's house?" His question made her groan internally. Dr. Lindstorm didn't like the idea of her leaning so heavily on him at times through her journey.
"Not every night," she tries not to sound so defensive but her tone betrays her.
"But?"
"But I am there most nights," she picks at the few pieces of lint on her slacks refusing to look up at him. Olivia doesn't want to be scolded and hit with the harsh reality that she would have to learn to be more dependent.
"How many nights is most?" He's pushing for her to be honest with herself.
"Every day this week," the words catch in the back of her throat and she finds herself close to tears. Before her attack she hadn't ever been this emotional and she wishes she could just hold her shit together for just one goddamn session.
"Why is that?" He grabbed a few tissues from the box on the small table between them and handed them to her.
"I don't know...I guess he just makes me feel safe. He's the first person I saw both times after..." she stops herself from even saying his name out loud and takes a moment to catch her breath. "Having someone next to me at night and be right there to hold me when I need it most is just a lot more comforting than being in my bed alone," the truth floods from her mouth.
"Because you're scared of dealing with the possibility of having a night terror alone?"
"Yes. I had them when I first was home alone for weeks and I barely slept because I was so terrified of having them again."
"Here's the difference between then and now, Olivia. You are so much stronger than you were those few months ago. This was your first night terror in a week. You can do this," his tone isn't in a condescending way to make her feel like she's a small child he's coaching to feel better. She knows he's right. All of her hard work over the last few months had come down to this very moment, and now was the time she would have to step out into the world on her own without Nick there to hold her up.
"So what you're saying is you want me to try sleeping at home more this week?" Olivia isn't dumb she knows that's exactly what he's saying, but she needs the confirmation or she knows she'll stay in this constant state of denial.
"I get it. You and Nick are in a relationship-"
"We're not in a relationship. We're just friends," he looks at her with his eyebrows raised almost like he doesn't believe her. Hell, she doesn't even believe herself.
"What?"
"Just friends?" He repeats her words back to her as a question.
"Nick is in the midst of a divorce, I just got out of a long term relationship. We're just great at being there for each other. He's my partner, my best friend," her cheeks became flushed and the chill she felt earlier has now become a spiraling heat filling her body. Now's the time to face this head on and she hates every bit of it.
"Do you ever see yourself being more than just close friends with Nick?"
"No," she shoots back quickly and after two decades of mastering interrogations and bluffing, Olivia can't even get herself to lie about that. "Yes," she sighs and rubs her thumb and forefinger against her forehead.
"Why do you think you struggled so much to answer that question?"
"Because I can't do that to us to Nick, our jobs and our friendship are at stake here. I don't want to ruin that," the walls they've managed to build around them to keep everyone out have managed to be demolished all at once in a matter of minutes.
....
Olivia had been abnormally quiet since she had gotten back from therapy hours ago. Sometimes she just needed a little time to process and regain a sense of ground, but it hadn't been like this in awhile. He gave her her space despite wanting to reach out to keep her close to him. Although she was distant most of the day, he still invited her over for dinner tonight. She accepted of course and might he dare say he saw her light up just a little bit more.
They had gotten back to his place just in time for Zara to help them cook, and she helped him put her to bed soon after. Zara had requested for Olivia to read her a story tonight and he gave them some much needed girl time together. It wasn't long before he heard her footsteps creaking down the hallway into the kitchen when he finished loading the dishwasher.
She came into the kitchen still dressed in her slacks and blush colored blouse only missing her blazer and shoes. Olivia stood in the entryway of the kitchen almost as if she was debating on crossing the threshold, because the moment she did she knew it was time to talk about whatever happened in her session today. He waited patiently leaning back on the counter with the edges of his fingers resting on each side.
She wrapped her arms around her and she looked towards the ground before finding the courage to finally look up at him. His eyes burned into her soul reading her and couldn't bare it anymore. Nick knew her too well.
"I'm sorry Nick," Olivia's voice croaked and she felt a burning in the back of her throat. Again with the crying- when it came it flooded and she wishes not everything felt like the end of the world.
"Don't you ever feel sorry," he held his hand out to her and she obliged, craving his warmth around her. He pulls her into his chest and he relaxes when he feels her arms wrap around his torso. Her head rests on his shoulder and he feels his shirt dampen once again like the night before. "I want you to be able to tell me what's wrong. Don't ever feel ashamed. We've talked about this," his voice is soft and low, his breaths between words making her hair fly lightly.
"Dr. Lindstorm thinks I'm too reliant on you- that I'm here too much and need to work on spending more nights at my place," it hits him like a brick when he realizes where she's going with this. A night without Olivia? As much as it seemed she needed him, there's a part of him that needs her more. "He wants me to be more independent and I can't. I can't do this without you. I just can't and that terrifies me because it makes me realize that-" She stops herself from admitting much more of the truth than she intended. His body stills beneath her and the room falls completely silent. He's waiting for her to finish that thought. To let him know that what he was feeling wasn't one sided. Nick was tired of tiptoeing around it but Olivia's pace was much more important for him to follow. And here they were, finally crossing the line they had teetered on for months.
"It makes me realize that I love you, and that leaves me petrified. You're my partner, Nick. I can't ruin that because I need you Nick," she's pulled away from him and he completely shatters when he sees her face coated in her tears. His hands cup each side of her cheeks and push her hair out of her face. He searches her eyes for answers that he knows she won't openly admit outloud. It's a gamble but she doesn't back away when he pulls her gently towards him. His mouth lowers onto hers softly and he feels her falter in his hands, leaning in closer to open herself up to him. It's the most she's felt in months. The adjustment of her meds made it hard to feel the desire for anything.
Nick waits on her to make the next move, not wanting to push her too far. It's when she pulls away from him that he worries if he's gone a step too far. The corners of her mouth upturn the slightest and it's confirmation that it was nothing close to being too much.
"Here I was afraid of blurring too many lines and you just went and did that," a nervous laugh leaves her body. She would be lying if she said she didn't want more. A part of her wants to test just how far they were both willing to go.
"Was that okay?" He moved his hands down to her shoulders and gave them a squeeze. Before he can even pull his hands completely away from her she grabbed ahold of them and held them with her own.
"It was more than okay," she bites on her lower lip craving to kiss him again but she worries herself if maybe that was moving too fast already. "I'd be lying if I said I haven't wanted to do that for awhile," crimson rises up her cheeks and she feels like a school girl all over again.
"Well I wouldn't be against doing that again. I mean if that's alright with you," his thumbs run along the backsides of her hands. She leans forward and her forehead connects with his. Anything to savor this moment before reality comes crashing down on them.
....
Social distancing has me updating...crazy! Expect an update to Stay here soon as well. Thanks for sticking me as always xx.