This is not mine for offline purposes only.
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'I feel like I'm floating on clouds.'
My first thought upon regaining consciousness after that stupid 18-wheeler in the next lane lost control was that my surroundings were warm and comfortable. Also dark, very dark. Someone nearby was playing drums of some kind, some sort of repeating rhythm.
'Why is it so dark? And who the hell is playing drums?'
Looking around didn't help, everywhere was just dark. The drum beat sounded familiar though. It sounds like a heartbeat. If it is a heartbeat, that heart sure is beating fast.
'Who is playing drums in the rhythm of a heartbeat? Wait a minute, is that my heartbeat? No that can't be right, it's way too loud to be mine.'
I suddenly realized that my surroundings were constricting against my entire body. A warm liquid substance permeated my surroundings.
'Holy shit, was I eaten by a giant snake of some kind? Oh my God! What a shitty way to die! Oh God I'm in its stomach! Wait do snakes even have a stomach area or is it just one long stomach? Argh focus! How do I get out of here?'
Struggling proved futile. I could barely wiggle my arms and legs.
'Oh God I can barely feel my fingers and toes. Son of a bitch! Have they been partially digested? Is it because they have a larger surface area like how fries absorb more cooking oil due to a large surface area? Did my fingers and toes absorb more snake stomach juice compared to the rest of my body? Argh why am I thinking of this shit right now!'
The constricting feeling seemed to intensify and I felt myself slowly moving upwards.
'Nooo I'm moving deeper into the snake's stomach! Oh God I'm gonna get turned into snake shit. Is snake shit brown like human shit? Oh who cares what color snake shit is! I don't want to be snake shit! Wait a minute, muffled voices! I hear muffled voices! There are people out there! I'm saved!'
My joy was short-lived as I felt my head getting crushed.
'Noooo! Is this how Oberyn Martell felt as The Mountain was crushing his skull? Why am I getting crushed now? Don't snakes crush their prey before they eat them? None of this makes sense! What the shit kind of snake is this!?'
Suddenly I felt a giant claw grab the top of my head.
'Oh shit there's a giant crab inside this snake stomach!'
I felt myself getting pulled upwards by the claw. Noticing the absence of the warm liquid around my body and the cold rush of air against portions of my skin, I realized that I was outside the snake now.
'Oh thank God I'm out! Stupid snake! Stupid crab! Stupid 18-wheeler!'
Pain. A pain unlike anything I have ever felt before.
'Did someone just hit me with a cricket bat? Or one of those 50 Shades of Grey paddles? Holy shit that hurts!'
I cried out as the pain blossomed on my buttocks, spreading to my upper thighs and lower back. Opening my eyes to look at my attacker…
"HOLY SHIT! ARE YOU A GIANT? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. Or rather, what I thought I screamed at the top of my lungs. What came out instead sounded more along the lines of "WAAAAA WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
'What the? Why can't I speak properly? Why does my tongue feel so weird? Must be the snake stomach juice or something. And why is everything so blurry? Oh right, I don't have my glasses on right now. Snake stomach and all that.'
The giant woman then began speaking gibberish in a loud booming tone.
'Shit I don't speak giant. What language do giants even speak? Did this giant woman save me from the snake?'
Turning my head out of curiosity to look at the snake...
'Can't really see properly without my glasses but that looks a lot like a pair of legs and an opened woman's vagi- … … OH GOD! OH SHIT! WHAT THE HELL! DID I JUST COME OUT OF THAT? WHAT THE SHIT IS HAPPENING!'
In my confusion and panic I barely managed to notice that the giant woman was now handing me over to the other giant woman, the one I apparently just came out of.
'Eeeewwww. Gross gross gross. This is so gross. How did I even end up in this giant woman's birth canal? Wait a minute. Birth canal? Birth? SHIT! Was I just born? Am I a baby?'
Looking down at my body confirmed my worst fears. I was looking at what could only be a baby's body. Apparently a newborn baby's body.
"OHHHH SHIIIIIIIIT!" was what I wanted to shout. All that came out was "WAAAA WAAAAAAAAAA!"
The woman holding me was saying something to me in a soft voice. With no idea what she was saying, I tried focusing on her face. I couldn't really see her facial features, other than noticing that she had black hair, two dark colored eyes and a mouth. I assumed that she had a nose but I couldn't really see it with my baby vision. So, I reached out to confirm. Yup, she has a nose.
'What is she saying? It sounds like Japanese. Is she speaking Japanese? Was I born in Japan? Oh shit, I don't know anything about Japanese culture other than sushi rolls taste good, especially the chicken rolls. Is it still called sushi if the rolls consist of chicken? I thought sushi means fish. Huh. Maybe I can ask my new mother. No, she would think I'm being weird.
Oh shit, does this mean I died in my previous life? Oh man, who's gonna feed Benji? Probably my brother. I hope he doesn't feed Benji any of that shit from Purina, heard their fillers are really unhealthy. Argh focus!
Ok, what are the facts? Fact one, old life gone, have been reincarnated and am now Asian with a high possibility of being Japanese. Fact two, reincarnation is apparently a thing. Wonder why no one has ever exposed this? I mean this is some major shit man! Wonder what the religious people would say about this? Wait a minute, is there some kind of conspiracy going on? Argh focus!
Fact three, no need to work at that stupid job anymore! Stupid manager can kiss my ass. Ugh woman managers are the worst, with that stupid chip on their shoulder about how men have it all and bla bla so they feel the need to go above and beyond to prove who knows what, with the end result being that these woman managers are more competitive and egotistical than their male counterparts. And then they complain about why everyone likes the male managers more. Ugh. I've had six woman managers in four jobs. Are there more women in middle management now or something? Ugh, what shit luck.
Guess that's why I died from a freaking road accident. Thousands of people have road accidents every year, yet only a small handful are fatal. Why did mine have to be one of the fatal ones? I finally paid off my student loans last month too. Ah shit, what a waste. If I had known I would die I wouldn't have paid off that stupid student loan. Hope this life isn't as unlucky as the previous one.'
My musings were interrupted when what appears to be a large man entered the room, speaking in a loud excited voice. The woman holding me tilted me towards the man. I felt like some sort of live exhibition on display at an art gallery. The man was speaking excitedly while motioning in my general direction.
'Yup, that sounds like Japanese to me. Wonder what he's saying? He seems happy. Hmm he also has black hair and dark colored eyes. Guess I'll have black hair and dark colored eyes in this life. Cool.'
The woman who I now assume was the midwife then exited the room carrying a bucket of some kind along with a bunch of red colored cloths. Six smaller people then entered the room, speaking excitedly and motioning in my general direction.
'The woman holding me and the giant man standing before me are probably my new parents, but who are these six smaller-sized people? Wait a minute, are these my siblings? Oh my God I have six siblings? I thought this was Japan! Aren't their birth rates like really low? Six siblings! Oh my poor new mother, she should just install a zipper on that thing.'
As I focused on the new faces appearing before me up close one by one, I couldn't help but notice that they were all vaguely female. I was hoping that due to my baby vision that I had seen wrongly, but all six had long hair of varying lengths and their tone of voice were rather high pitched. So, I either had six brothers who had long hair of varying lengths in Japan, a country known for their conservative culture... or I had six sisters.
'Oh shit! Oh shit! Do I have six older sisters? What the hell! Am I the only son? Are you kidding me?! Ahh I hope they're not the bossy types. If they are then I take it back, I rather have six woman managers than six older sisters! Cause at least you can quit your job, you can't quit your freaking family though! Not for close to two decades anyway. Wait a minute, what's the culture here in Japan regarding turning 18?'
After what felt like several hours (but in actuality was only a few minutes) I felt tired. Really tired. As if I had just completed a full ironman triathlon tired.
'Why do I feel so tired? Baby body? Baby body. Man, those words feel weird together. Baby body. Hehe.'
I tiredly closed my eyes and fell asleep in my new mother's bosom, failing to notice that the walls, ceiling and floor of the room were made of wood and that this room looked nowhere near what a hospital room would look like.
"Oh look he's fallen asleep," Amano Takeji whispered to his wife while looking longingly at his son.
"Yes he has," replied a smiling Kanemoto Sayuri. "Finally, you have a son. Does this mean we won't have any more children after this Takeji-san?"
"We'll see," Takeji replied while smirking playfully at his wife. He was rewarded with a gentle punch to his bicep. "So, what should we name him? Hmm, I was thinking of a good strong name like Sozen or perhaps a steady and firm name like Kanbe. What do you think Sayuri-chan?"
"Amano Sozen. Hmmm. Amano Kanbe. Hmmm. Either just doesn't feel right. What other names did you have in mind?" replied a tired Sayuri, her eyes half closed by now.
"Hmmm, how about Genji? Amano Genji. That seems to roll off the tongue," he replied while looking hopefully at his wife.
"Genji? Why Genji? Doesn't that name mean 'two beginnings'?" Sayuri questioned. "Hold on, are you naming him Genji just because you now have a male heir to pass on the family business to and the two beginnings signifies the two halves of your life, one without a male heir and one with?" Sayuri said while her eyes widened then quickly narrowed rather dangerously at her husband.
"Uhh, of course not. I just, um, I thought it sounded cool that's all! No really! We can name him something else if you feel that strongly about it," Takeji stammered out.
'I knew it! This man is so easy to figure out! Then again, he is a good husband who has never cheated on me unlike all his business associates. Poor Azumi-chan, finding out about her husband's two mistresses when she was eight months pregnant. Fine, I'll let him name our son Genji', thought Sayuri while she continued to stare at her husband, his face looking hopefully as well as nervously at her like a child awaiting their parent's decision on whether or not they could have a slice of cake. "Ok, we can name him Genji. Amano Genji. Yeah, that does roll off the tongue," said Sayuri with a smirk after a long pause.
"YES!"
"Shushhh! Don't wake up little Genji," Sayuri admonished her husband with an annoyed whisper, a hint of a smirk playing on her lips.
"You're the best wife ever," whispered back Takeji, planting a kiss on Sayuri's forehead.
"I know."
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