A chapter full of nonsense.
"What are you doing?" Joel asked Colton, who grinned like an idiot.
"Drinking, Daddy-o."
Jowl facepalmed. Great. Dixon was under the influence and thought he was his father. Perfect.
"How much?" he played along.
"Alla this,"was the reply. Colt sounded like he was five.
"C'mere, buddy,"Joel said, trying for a smile. He held his arms out, and Colton leapt into them. "Oof."
"My head hurts."
"That's why we don't drink so much." Joel failed to not cringe. He picked Colt, who had started singing a mashup of songs, up.
"Why are there so many songs about
Rose in bloom, at the sight of you, oh so
BRAVE,
I'll fight like a soldier,
Rise like a
Why do miracles just happen like that,
Happen like that?"
Which turned into a song about nonsense.
"John Cooper's beard, John Cooper's beard, Joel's chest tattoo he's tryna hide from his dad-"
"Shut up,"Joel grumbled, carrying him to the kitchen.
"Baby, you're a firework,
Goodness knows you're a piece of work-"
"That's not how the song goes?"
"Shush."
He continued, "And iiiiiiiii-eeeeee-yiiiii will always hate yoooooou.
You used to call me on the telephone!
I knew you were trouble when you kissed me, so shame on Annie. "
"That's mean,"Joel commented, dumping him on a chair.
"Thinking you could liiiiiive without tea. Joel-el iiiiiiis naughty.
Moriah's now pregnant,
And she's all mad.
I wonder why, I wonder why-y."
"Stop starting rumors, Michael,"Joel scolded. "Also, have you considered a career in parody?"
Call me friend, but steal my tendons.
Electrocute my beard and feathers-"
"What the-"
"LANGUAGE!" Colton screamed.
"Okay, Captain America."
"Now, stop interrupting me."
"I can't wait for you to vomit,"Joel muttered.
"RUDE."
"Is it too late now to eat Takis?
Cause I'm feeling so, so spicy.
Too bad Bieber is illegal.
Canada disowned him, oh.
I wonder why, no I really don't. "
Joel cackled as he filmed Colton's drunk parody. One, it was pure gold. Two, it was the perfect payback.
"I got the houses on the map.
Daddy's coming back.
Joel's not here no more.
He drank Mo's margari-ita.
Luke is getting cattle,
Coco's driving tractors,
Vince is buying vintage.
We're all gonna die-ie-ie."
Best one yet, Joel thought.
Suddenly, Colton froze.
"Uhhhhhh,"he moaned.
Joel grabbed him and held him over the trash can.
"Puke,"he ordered.
"Ew," Colton mumbled, but he vomited. A lot. Joel gave him some water and sat him on the floor while posted the video on social media.
"You know what, Colt?" Joel said. "Feel free to get drunk again."
The author was not under the influence of any sort during the writing of this story.