Once I had closed the door I started to lay out the equipment and set up the enlarger.
Billie moved out of my way as I measured and diluted three different solutions before pouring them in separate trays. I placed the first piece of film carefully in the negative carrier before putting it into the enlarger.
The process of making prints was one of the reasons I enjoyed analogue photography so much.
I turned on two safety lamps and faced Billie. "Are you ready?"
"Uh," she watched me place a dark blanket over the window, "for what exactly?"
"The fun part," I whispered, killing the main light.
The room was flooded with contrast: jet and crimson.
I felt myself smile as my eyes adjusted to the sudden colour change. I had no words to describe it but being in a darkroom always made me feel a weird mixture of emotions.
"This feels familiar." A smile had bloomed on Billie's face as well. "I have light like that in my bedroom."
"You do? Why red?"
"I'm not sure. It makes me feel good somehow. It can be both calming and stimulating."
"You're right. It kinda makes you feel like you're in a strip club and your mother's womb at the same time."
"That's a... weirdly accurate description. It's perfect for either feeling like a bad bitch or having an existential crisis."
"Is that what happens when you write?" My tone was joking but actually I was being serious.
Billie leaned against the wall. "Pretty much. You know how we already talked about how I write from different perspectives? It can help to get into the right head space, I guess."
"Because it feels less like reality?"
"No. Maybe. I don't know. If I start thinking about it I can't do it anymore. Also it makes my room just feel safe. It makes me feel like I'm in a cocoon or some shit. Does that make sense?"
I nodded. "For me the darkroom always makes me feel detached, like the world doesn't exist."
Billie tore her eyes from the red lights to look back at me. "Maybe it doesn't."
"Maybe it doesn't," I agreed.
The printing process began. A piece of paper had to be positioned on the easel so the image was projecting onto the paper. I started the timer to control the exposure time.
Then I worked quickly, plunging the paper into the tray with developer solution.
"Now watch."
The image slowly appeared on the paper.
When a minute had passed I used tongs to slide the photograph into the stop bath for ten seconds before putting it in the fixing solution for another 30 seconds. I washed off the print in clean water and held it up for Billie to see.
After the first print I began to fully concentrate on my work to repeat the process with the other negatives.
I was usually listening to music while doing this so I had never realized how loud everything was. The nocking of the tongs against plastic, the gargling of the solutions when I tilted the trays from side to side. Even the quiet rustling of paper was sharp in the heavy silence.
The bathroom was small. Each time I moved past where Billie leant against the wall we almost touched.
Just when I hung up the last print I looked at her momentarily to catch her eyes darting from my lips back to my eyes.
I released my bottom lip from where it was caught between my teeth from concentrating.
Something I could not quite place had changed, shifted in the air.
I washed my hands in the dark, not yet ready to leave this surreal dream state. Instead of turning the main light on I leant back against the wall before turning to Billie.
I mirrored her position by leaning my shoulder against the cold tiles so that we were face to face. The red wrapped around us like a familiar blanket.
There was something in the way she looked at me that made me want to kiss her badly.
I leaned my head against the wall, shifting my perspective. Now it was a world askew. I could not tear my eyes away from Billie's face, all red and black. I felt high.
How she looked at me was strange. Strange because I was no stranger to it. It was a gaze to be singled out in a crowd. It asked a question and gave an answer, all in the steady not-looking-away.
Billie took a slow step forward.
My pulse beat in my throat because suddenly I could see very clearly where this was going.
Oh, I just thought, my gaydar really does need calibration.
Billie reached out and pushed a strand of my hair away. I closed my eyes when her fingertips brushed over my temple, so tender it was barely there.
We were right earlier, I told myself, reality doesn't exist outside this room. Here and now is all there is.
Ignorance could be one hell of a drug.
When I opened my eyes again I found Billie looking serious and a nervous kind of determined.
We were so close my arm did not have to extend far for my hand to grasp the fabric of her t-shirt at the waist.
"Billie..." I stopped because my voice was raspy and because I forgot about everything when her wrist came to rest on my shoulder. I held still, paralyzed, as she leaned in.
When her lips pressed against mine it felt like walking down the stairs and missing a step.
There was no hesitation. Billie moved in again, so soft and sweet it made my head spin. Her hand moving to the back of my neck helped me to eventually recover from the surprise and the leap in my chest.
Finally I reacted, tilting my head and deepening the kiss.
I relaxed and turned to let my back hit the wall. Her breath faltered when I moved my hand to her lower back and pulled her against me. Fingers sank into the hair at the base of my skull. My knees felt weak.
I held myself back, let Billie explore, tracing my lips and meeting my tongue.
My attempt at keeping the pace down did not quite work out. Rather I felt my head being pulled back by my hair until it hit the wall. I opened my eyes to look up at the red celling but everything was out of focus.
I heard a stifled gasp that must have been mine because her mouth was hot on my jaw, starting to press a line of kisses up to my ear.
I pulled my hands back when I realized my fingertips at her hips had pushed up fabric and were against skin. I had to stop Billie before I could no longer stop myself.
Before she could reach my ear I ended her trail of kisses by cupping her jaw and capturing her full lips again.
My heartbeat was louder than the rain falling against the window when we pulled apart.
There were two light orbs staring back at me when I opened my eyes slowly.
Her expression was difficult to read. She looked sad somehow. "I know what you meant earlier. It really does feel like being pushed out a window."
"Uh-huh," I murmured because I did not trust my voice yet and because I could not tell if Billie meant it in a good or bad way.
We did not move, stayed standing close, hands on shoulders and hips. I could not even begin to ask myself what just happened.
I felt unsteady still, like I needed to sit down. I wanted to close the gap again and just... hold her.
And that was terrifying.
It made me want to turn around on the spot and leave Billie standing there. Even if it was my bathroom she was standing in, even if it was far more likely that she was going to be the one leaving me standing.
Ignore that feeling for now. Just be casual.
It was ridiculous, embarrassing even, how a harmless kiss had such an impact on me.
If Billie was going to be casual about this I would be fine with it. If she was just using me for whatever reason I would be fine with it too. There was no need to get feelings involved.
Meo scratched at the door and woke us from our trance. We moved apart and I opened the door for him when he meowed. Light from the flat flooded into the bathroom.
When I looked back at Billie that melancholic expression from earlier was gone.
"Are you ok?" I still asked because I trusted my voice now and because I wanted to test if things were going to be awkward between us now.
"Yeah, you?"
I nodded with a smile because I was. Things were not awkward. Being casual should be no problem.
When I started to clean up the mess in the bathroom I heard Billie curse under her breath. "Finneas has been waiting outside for ten minutes," she explained, scrolling through messages on her phone.
I could not suppress the stupid smirk forming on my face. "Oops."
A moment later I had walked her to the door.
"I'm in London till Thursday so, who knows...?" Billie trailed off with a smile.
"Yeah, who knows...?"
I had no idea what it was she liked about me but whatever she wanted did not have to be complicated. The time limit made it feel like there would be no consequences. It was liberating in a way.
I could not get my heart broken if it did not have the timeto get involved in the first place.
"See you around, Mara."
"Just... just reach out if you want to try another restaurant, go for a ride, uh, with my bike, break in somewhere or watch a movie or whatever."
Billie shook her head laughing at me when I somehow managed to make every single entry on my list sound suggestive.
"Don't be stupid now just because I kissed you."
"I won't. I swear."
"But don't be shy either. I gave you my number for a reason. If you want to do any of what you just said-"
"I'll text you."
Billie grinned, satisfied with my answer. We hugged goodbye hastily and she left.
Back in my flat I had to lean against the door for a moment to take a deep breath.
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Words Are Dead - Agnes Obel