I walk outside with a purpose. I need to find Nick. No more waiting. No more second guessing.
So much has happened today, so much uncertainty, that I would have never imagined that I could be as sure of something as I am right now. But, then again, it's not just something. It's Nick.
The guy that makes my heart flutter. The guy that makes me laugh and smile and even cry because I can't help but feel every emotion in the universe when I'm around him. The guy who I feel so passionately about that feeling anything less than every emotion at once would be a disservice to both of us. The guy that I might lose.
I quicken my pace. It's cold out, and I hadn't bothered to bring a jacket from inside. But right now, my coldness can wait. I have a mission, one that can't be delayed by a single second.
I check the barn first, but with no luck. Then I stop by the stables and look in the field, but he was no where to be found. The old me would have stopped looking, accepted the fact that I wasn't going to see him, and went to bed.
But I'm not the old me anymore.
I'm no longer afraid of caring too much, of growing too close to someone, of letting the idea of love be anything more than a fairy tale in my head. I don't want some fantasy that I've concocted, I want real, true, I-care-so-much-it-hurts love. I want a love that's worth fighting for. I may not have realized it before, but I do now. Most of all, I realize that it doesn't have to be a fantasy, because I have that with Nick.
Screw walking, I think, before breaking into a run. I want to be with Nick as quickly as I can.
"Nick!" I shout, running into the woods. I thrash through the trees carelessly, not keeping track of if I've made a right or left or where I even am at all, because my only priority is finding him. "Nick can you hear me!"
Nothing.
"Hello!" I shout, not slowing my pace. "Nick are you there!"
Still, nothing.
But I don't care. I don't mind spending all night, screaming until my throat is raw, and running until my legs can't carry me, until I find him. I won't give up on us. Not again.
I open my mouth to scream again, but I hear something in the distance. It could be my imagination, but I don't care. I bound towards the sound, plants scratching at my ankles. "Nick!"
Then I hear it.
"Leighton!"
I break into a full sprint now. He's here. He's really here. "Nick!" I scream.
When I finally see his usual mop of brown hair running towards me, my heart glows. All the feelings I have for him hit once again, even stronger than I thought possible.
We don't slow down when we reach each other. He lifts me up instead, spinning me into his warm embrace. I've missed this feeling of his hands around me. It may have only been less than a day, but my fears that he might never hold me this tight again were enough to make me beyond appreciative. I settle my head in its usual spot on his chest. We stand there, locked into each other's embrace, not wanting to let go, for what seems like eternity.
"Where the were you?" he murmurs into my hair, still holding me tightly. "I've been looking for you for hours."
"I got lost."
He nods his head, and we're still so close that I'm sure he can hear my heart beating. As much as I want to stay like this, I can't pretend that things aren't broken between the two of us. If I have any chance in fixing it, I have to address it somehow.
"Jack and I are over." I say. It's blunt and to the point, but it needs to be.
I can't bear to look up and see his reaction, so I bury my head into his chest. But I don't need to look at him to know how he feels. His body tenses up around me, and suddenly his arms are gone, the cold air allowed to penetrate through me once again. He takes a step back, and before I even look up, I know that his jaw is clenched.
"Let's get you home," He says, his voice icy, and I can tell that he's pulling away from me. He turns to lead us out of the woods, but I grab his arm, keeping him in place.
"Please Nick," I plead. "Can we at least talk about this?"
His eyes are hard. "There's nothing to talk about."
I scoff. "Bullshit. You can pretend that you feel nothing inside, but I know when you're putting up a front. So please, let me in."
"Why?" he spits. "So, you can run back to Jack in two days when you want your golden boy back?"
He runs his hands through his hair and takes a deep breath, his voice growing less harsh. "Look, I don't want to do this right now, so can we just go to the ranch?" It would be so easy to just say yes, to postpone our conversation. But if we had any chance of fixing this, we needed to talk about it now.
I shake my head. "You don't just want to not do this here; you just don't want to do this at all. You like to bury your emotions in deep dark places that you don't let anyone have access to. I know that you let me in before and I screwed it up, but all I'm asking for is one more chance."
He pulls his arm from my grasp. "I don't give first chances, let alone second ones."
"But you gave one to me."
He looks at me through cold eyes. "And look where that got me."
He turns to walk away, and when I try to grab his arm again, he easily shakes me off. So instead I run in front of him and stop, blocking his path.
"Look, I know that what I did today was wrong, and I know that I betrayed your trust. But it was so much easier to fall into the same routine of Jack than to take a risk on us. Things between us were going so well that I was terrified of getting hurt."
He tries to sidestep me, but I block his path again. "Kind of similar to how you're afraid of being hurt by me again too. But I'm not afraid anymore, Nick. I'd rather get hurt by you a thousand times over than never be with you at all."
He tries to look away from me, but I hold onto the side of his face, steadying his eyes with mine.
"Because I love you, Nick."
My heart nearly stops as the words leave my mouth.
But they're true.
Saying those words gives him so much power over me, over my heart, but I'm tired of being scared. Being scared is what got me into this mess to begin with.
When I say those words, his whole demeanor changes. His face morphs from stone cold to vulnerable, all his defenses crumbling right in front of my eyes.
"Don't say that if you don't mean it." He breathes, and I shake my head strongly.
"I'm not lying. I really do."
He seems dazed, his brain unable to process his own thoughts.
"But why?" He sounds confused, confused as to how anyone could possibly love him. My heart breaks.
"Where do I start? I love you because you're funny, and kind, and you think about what everyone needs from you before you think of yourself. Because it may be hard for you to open up at first, but when you do, you have so much love and happiness to give to everyone around you. Because when I'm around you I can't help but smile, and when you wrap your arms around me, I can't think of a single place on Earth that I'd rather be.
Most importantly, I love you because you are yourself, strengths and weaknesses and all. And anyone, and I mean anyone, who has the privilege of knowing you, will feel the same way."
He seems shocked. I can't believe that he's surprised that I feel this way about him. But then again, I remember how lowly he thinks of himself, and I want nothing more than to fix every doubt he has.
He rests his forehead against mine, closing his eyes. "I don't deserve for you to love me." I shake my head firmly.
"Look at me," I say, his eyes fluttering open. "You deserve so much more than you think you do. So many people around you love you Nick, and we're not all mistaken. We all love you for so many reasons, and you need to learn how to love yourself the same way."
He pauses, stroking my cheek with his thumb. He needs time to process everything, and I'm more than happy to give it to him. I know how difficult it must be for him to feel like he's deserving of nice things happening to him.
"And your done with Jack?"
I nod my head. "Completely."
He looks into my eyes, scanning them for something. Whether he was looking for honesty or confirmation I don't know, but he seems to find what he's searching for. He leans down and places his lips onto mine for a soft, deep kiss that is enough to make my knees weak.
When he pulls away, his face still hovers over mine.
"I love you, too," he says, and a smile breaks onto our faces. He wraps me in another embrace, his lips peppering kisses along my ear.
"Please don't hurt me," he whispers.
My heart aches. "I would never do that to you."
He sighs. "People rarely tend to do it on purpose."
~~~
Hey everyone! Did you guys like this chapter? If so, make sure to vote and comment!
Side note: I don't know where everyone is reading from, but where I'm from in the US, the schools and restaurants are locked down because of Corona Virus. Since I am off school, I will be uploading multiple times a week for the next few weeks. If you are off school or quarantined, I hope that the chapters can provide some sort of entertainment! Make sure to stay safe out their guys and I pray for anyone who is affected by this virus. Love you guys!