I wake up the following day with my phone announcing I just received a text. There's no sign of a hangover, no headache or sick feeling in my stomach, but for the first time in my life, I wish there was. I wish I could blame the alcohol for the show Jake and I put on at Joe's dance floor last night. I was indeed intoxicated, but it was by my best friend's cologne and the feeling of his hands around me.
Trying to remember we didn't actually do anything doesn't help with my embarrassment. We didn't kiss, we didn't even say anything to each other, but the whole lips accidentally bumping, nails scratching scalp and nose nuzzling neck, that was way too lascivious for a couple of friends. And if anything, it gave me validation for lusting after him, because none of that would've happened if he weren't lusting after me as well.
I don't need validation for that, I need for it to stop.
I sit up and reach for my phone, releasing a sigh before checking the text. It's Cassie. Reading her name is enough for my stomach to flip, both from guilt and excitement. Guilt because I know the whole thing with Jake was wrong to her; I wouldn't like to see her dancing with someone else the way I did. Excitement because of the prospect of talking to her, seeing her again. I miss her.
I like Cassie, I really do. I like her intense green eyes and her dark hair. I like her silky voice and how she always has something to say. I like the sound of her laugh and her stories. I like how the atmosphere changes when she's around, like everything is cool and there's nothing to worry about. I like it when she touches me and I like it when she kisses me.
Her text is short, simple and to the point. "I miss you." It makes me smile and it makes me feel even more guilty. I should have texted her first. I was the one who misinterpreted her words, I was harsh on her.
I reply with a simple "I miss you too" before getting off my bed and heading to the bathroom. I place my hand on the nob, but it's not me who pulls it open, someone else does it from the inside, startling me. Jake smiles when his eyes fall on my face and he whispers a soft apology, brushing past me to his room. I wonder how he manages to act like nothing happened. He's been doing this since last night, since the song ended and we moved back to the bar, to drink beer and people watch.
I wanted to say something, ask what was that, but I couldn't even look at him. When his hand found my knee, it was nonchalant, like he always does, just to call my attention to a guy who was dancing in the most weird way. No subliminal intentions hidden behind that light touch, but it made my pulse quicken anyway.
It's Sunday, none of us have anything to do or anywhere to go, the apartment is a bit of a mess, so Jake suggests we make it a cleaning day. It turns out to be an excellent idea, not only because the place can really use some cleaning, but because when the sun finally goes down, I'm able to act as normal as him, as if nothing had happened the night before.
At first, when I was helping him move the couch, I couldn't even hold his gaze. However, when he turned on the music and started to sing out of tune and dance with the broom, I could only see my best friend. No lusting, no embarrassment, it was Jake in front of me and there was no reason for me to act like he was someone else.
It's only three in the afternoon when we're finally done. I've just finished cleaning the bathroom and, since I'm already there, I take a shower. I think about Cassie as I do so. Maybe my reply wasn't good enough, maybe it wasn't what she expected. I wanted her to say something, I kept checking my phone every five minutes, but my "I miss you too" would insist on being the last message there. Maybe she wants me to say something as well. Maybe she's waiting for me as I'm waiting for her.
With a towel hugging my body, I walk to my room, close the door and collapse on my bed. I feel fresh and the room seems even fresher. No signs of dust, the comforter smells faintly like softener, the whole room smells nice and clean and everything is in its right place. I remember the last time Cassie was here and how alluring she looked on my bed. Everything so light and clear even though it was already late and the artificial light from my lamp was the only thing illuminating the space. How ethereal would she look right now, with the sunlight leaking through the white curtains as they slowly sway along with the soft breeze.
So I take my phone and invite her over. And she comes. And neither of us has to say anything, we just hold each other and know everything is fine.
The rest of the day is spent in the living room. Jake is there too, sprawled on the couch while Cassie and I lay on the floor, on top of the comforter and pillows I so nicely adjusted for us. We watch a movie together. My fingers are intertwined with Cassie's as Jake absently caresses my hair. Again, it's nonchalant, no subliminal meaning, just something he always does, but it confuses me and it makes me want to cry.
-
I listen to the front door opening and, seconds later, a hand messes my hair. I'm on the couch, reading a book I may have stolen from Jake's collection. He has a nice taste for literature and music, so he's used to me borrowing his stuff. He looks tired after working all day, but he has a warm smile on his face nevertheless.
I managed to survive the week. Among having Jake in the room next to mine and only being able to talk to Cassie through the phone, I can say I've done a pretty nice job at acting normal around Jake, despite craving for him to touch me every time I see him.
"You hungry?" I ask, leaving the book aside and already walking to the kitchen.
"Starving," he replies, making himself comfortable on a stool, propping his elbows on the counter and leaning in for better view.
I make us both some grilled cheese while hearing him tell about his day and how he so strongly desires to kill his boss. I really enjoy these domestic exchanges, cooking for him, hearing him rant about everyday stuff. These are the moments where I feel most at home. Jake makes me feel at home in a way I'd never felt back in my old house in Frankenmuth, with my controlling mother, my submissive father and my asshole brother.
Jake has always been my home. From the day we'd officially met until now, he's the only one I've ever truly considered family. Well, except, of course, for the times when I feel the desperate need to fuck him.
"Is Cassie going with you to Joe's tonight?" Jake asked suddenly during our dinner. I had heard his phone vibrate against the wooden table, then watched him smirk at the screen before he asked the question.
"Yeah, why?" I ask suspiciously.
"Do you mind going to hers after?" I raise an eyebrow at him. His smirk widens. "I'm talking to this girl and she wants to come over tonight."
My eyes burn, but I hold back the tears. It's painful, like someone just hit me in the stomach. I feel selfish; I'm going out with Cassie, I shouldn't be worrying about him, it's none of my business. But I don't want to know he's sleeping with someone else, I don't want to know there's someone he desires and this someone isn't me.
"Can't she see me?" I ask softly, almost as a whisper. My voice shakes.
"She can, but-" he hesitates. "I don't know, I'm just afraid you'll feel uncomfortable and since going to Cassie is an option, then why not?"
"It wouldn't be the first time I wake up to a girl in lingerie sitting on my couch, but you're right, I'm going to Cassie's."
"You mad?" He asks softly.
"No, Jake." My tone is harsh, it screams that yes, I am mad, but he pretends to believe me.
Suddenly, I don't feel like going to Joe's anymore. I don't wanna sit there and watch the blue lights, remembering I was under them just last week, with Jake's arms around me, while he's at home fucking someone I don't even know. So I text Cassie and ask if we can just stay at her place, order a pizza and have some wine, maybe even watch a movie. Cassie is always up to anything, so it's for a night at her apartment that I dress for.
I like her place. It's always very organized and smells faintly like her, not just her bedroom, but pretty much every room. She's waiting for me with a warm smile and her arms wrap my waist as soon as I take the first step in.
"Hi." she breathes through a smile. I brush a strand of hair behind her ear, my lips mirroring her smile, and place my hand on the back of her neck.
Cassie's lips on mine are delicate, sweet. The kiss is very quick, just a greeting, but enough to send a shiver down my spine. She looks especially happy, way more than usual, like she's up to something. The smell of pizza invades my nostrils and she smiles wider.
"Are we having homemade pizza?" I ask, her arms still around my waist as we stand by the door.
"We are and I have some really nice wine in my fridge. Cheap and sweet, just the way you like." I kiss her, deeper this time, but still as delicate as the other one.
Cassie holds my hand, fingers intertwined, and guides me the few steps to her couch. I take a good look at her for the first time, now that she's not glued to my body. I watch her as she connects her phone to the speaker and puts on a song for us. She's wearing a flowered dress and no shoes. She looks cute and I wanna hold her.
"John Denver?" I question, hearing the beginning of Windsong. She turns to me, a sweet smile playing on her lips.
"Heard you and Jake talking about him once, thought you might like it." It's really nice of her and I can feel my heart being comforted by the gesture, especially because I know it is definitely not her type of music. But that man's voice makes me think too much about Jake. John Denver is our thing and it makes me wish he was here with me.
"I love it," I state, trying to keep my voice from shaking as my breath gradually becomes unsteady as the song progresses, anxiousness starting to get the best of me. "But I think maybe something else would be more appropriated."
"Like what?" She asks, thankfully not showing any signs of sadness.
"The Weeknd?" I suggest, knowing how much she loves them.
"Wow, sexy." She wiggles her eyebrows and changes the song, my body relaxing as soon as Abel's voice meets my ears. "Want some wine?" She asks, already walking to the kitchen to pour me some.
We stay on the couch, a glass of wine in our hands, talking about anything and everything until the pizza is ready. It's a nice night and it leads us to a very expected yet very welcome end. Wine and The Weeknd is just the perfect combination for an environment filled with passion and just the right amount of lust.
I wake up the next morning with my arms around her waist and my face glued to her hair, smelling the citrus scent of her shampoo. I stay there for a while, enjoying her warmth and her smell, before she wakes up claiming to be starving. We eat the leftovers of last night's pizza and take our first ever shower together. I wish I could stay the whole day, but Jake and I had agreed to go grocery shopping today, so I leave not long after.
I decide to walk home. Cassie's place isn't very far and I don't feel like wasting money on an Uber. Besides, I really enjoy walking, especially by myself. It's nice for thinking and I have a lot to think about. Is it possible to be in love with two people at once? That's the question replaying in my head the whole way, walking home with me, screaming loudly. But I'm not in love, I can't be. I mean, I like Cassie, I really do, but "in love" seems too much, way more than what I actually feel right now. And well, I simply can't be in love with Jake. And I am not! I just lust after him sometimes. Maybe a lot of times. And sometimes I wish he would just lay down with me and hold my hand. But I'm definitely not in love.
I'm taken out of my trance by a sharp meow. I stop, look around and see nothing. Then I hear it again, clearer this time, and I can make out where it's coming from. I walk to the trash can and there it is, right behind it, a black kitten looking lost and frightened.
"Hey, little one." I say softly and receive a meow in return.
I pick up the kitten and walk the two blocks separating us from my apartment. I keep talking during our journey, trying to comfort the small creature. I forget about everything in that moment. Taking care of that cat is the only thing in my head. Until I open my apartment's door to see Jake leaving the bathroom with nothing but a towel hanging from his waist, his hair dripping to his chest, the water running down his soft skin.
Jake stops and looks at me, and I know by the look in his eyes how clear it is that I want him right now. We freeze, staring at each other with desire. It's a high pitched meow that breaks the sexual tension. That and a girl wrapped in a towel stopping beside him.