ELIZA
I know it's already a bad decision coming here when Millie won't stop eyeing me from across the table. It made me feel insecure, like I didn't belong. I'm happy to see Hunter socializing with her like a friend but I can't deny the fact that they looked so good together. Hunter has been sweet with me, feeding me food, constantly asking if I'm okay. But I just can't get out of the conversation that we have out of my head.
"How are you even so sure he'll get back to you once I do that?"
"I just know he will. That's how well I know him."
Her sultry voice resounded in my head. I tell Hunter I don't feel good, because I do, and ask to go to the bathroom. He asked if he would come along but I insisted she stayed. I feel crowded enough by Millie. I walked to the lake house and opened the door, the smell of fresh daisies the first thing to greet you.
But the way he said he wants to have babies with me, messes with my mind. I'm again on cloud nine but I choose to erase that sweet feeling. I feel like I'm betraying someone I don't even know.
The cabin was designed like the one you see in those Home and Interior magazines, it's picture perfect with a matching elegant fireplace. I walked to the long corridor leading to what I thought was a bathroom, I opened the door and it's a nursery. It's complete with toys, books and everything baby proof. Few pictures also line the walls and one particular picture caught my eye. It's Hunter and Millie, staring at each other's eyes, smiling, full of love and emotions.
The bile rose up in my throat and I almost puked right there and then. I went out and opened the next door, thankful it's the right room and I emptied my stomach on the sink. Once my stomach decides it's time to puke my guts out, I sit down on the toilet, still gripping the rail, I pull down my panties and peed.
When I pull it up, I can see a small amount of blood in them. There, bright red and screaming "You have your period"! on my face. I don't know what came over me but I cried, I cried my eyes out. Maybe I'm just emotional because of my monthly visit but I'm emotional because I asked for a sign. A sign if I should consider Millie's plea. Looking at the blood-stained panties, my tears flowed from my eyes, this was a clear sign. A clear sign that I shouldn't be pushing for something that isn't even fully mine.
I scanned the bathroom and found tampons in one of the drawers, used one and pulled up my panties. I looked at myself in the mirror and wiped my tears dry. I walked out and I saw Millie and Hunter from a distance hugging each other while they're looking down at their daughter's grave. My heart just shattered in a million pieces, my breathing constricted, the walls of my chest felt like they're going to blow up any second. And when she tiptoed to kiss him, I couldn't look at it. I ran back to the cabin and shut the door silently while I sob. Sobbing because this was all on me, hurting because I didn't know when to stop loving him even though I shouldn't. He belongs to someone else. And that someone else is not me.
I pulled out my phone and opened the ticket I booked one week from now. I was about to reschedule it when I heard Hunter's voice calling for me. I stood up and wiped my eyes with his jacket and opened the door. I walked out and he asked if I was okay.
"I don't feel well..." I said, almost breaking down in front of him. But I pulled myself together and asked if we could go home. I don't want to look like an outsider in this get together but I won't handle facing his family one more time. He said he'll borrow Troy's car and jog back to the picnic to get his keys. I used that moment to reschedule my flight tomorrow. When I used to do this, availability of flights would somehow interfere but I was able to do it so easily. The odds are really in Millie's favor.
I clicked on the green button of the confirmation page just as Hunter opened the door for me. He walked around to the driver's side and turned the car on drive. I don't want any conversation with him because it will hurt more and just one word, I will cower. I will say yes to him every time. My body says yes to him every time. I know what I'm doing is selfish but I need to do it for my conscience. With how he is with Millie, that special bond between them can't even be denied, with how their second chance might look if I don't let it happen. I love him, I love him so much that's why I'm doing this for him. Doing this for them.
I spent the drive looking out the window, while he reached for my thighs and squeezed it. I feel calmness under his touch but at the same time guilty because I'm already used to it. My brain says yes but my body's already accustomed to it. And it will be the hardest part to deal with.
Once we're at their house, I was quick enough to open my door and ran to the door, up the stairs and locked myself in the bathroom. I really have a hard time keeping this a normal thing, normal like Hunter wouldn't even suspect.
A faint knock on the door startled my thoughts.
"Eliza, are you okay?"
I took a deep breath, almost obsessed at looking at the dried-up blood on my panties.
"I'm fine, I'll be out in a bit." I stripped down everything and decided to take a shower. Once I adjusted it to the temperature I wanted, I sat down, my back hitting the tiled wall, letting the hurt cascade down my body, letting my tears mix with water, hoping it would also go down the drain.
--
After I scrubbed my body until my skin burned, I put on my PJs and grabbed a tank top, still part of acting normal around Hunter. I was thankful Evee wasn't here to ask so many questions or to make me change my mind. He's casually texting on his phone when I got out of the bathroom.
"Are you feeling better?" he asked, not looking up from his phone.
I hummed my reply and lay down on my side of the bed. Which won't be on my side anymore come tomorrow morning. My hormones are a traitor and I feel extra emotional. I don't want to hurt him but she looked so hopeful, and I'm not someone who wants to take that hope away.
His hand snaked its way from my ass to my stomach, his feather kisses from my shoulder to my neck. He bit on my earlobe and my body almost caved in.
"I'm on my period..." I whispered, still tucking myself on the side of the bed, clutching the duvet up my body, using it as a shield from something I don't even know.
"Oh..." he said, his lips still above my ears. "I'm sorry. Do you need anything?"
I shake my head. "Just cuddle with me..." for one last time, I almost said. I reached for his arm and entwined it with mine. Maybe for the last time, I'll let my skin memorize how it would feel to touch him while he's still mine. Let his body linger with mine. Let that feeling take over me, even if it would break me in the end.
At midnight, I feel his heavy breaths against my shoulder knowing he's still deep in sleep. I looked at him, the tears flowing and caressed his face for one last time. I grabbed my suitcase and immediately booked for a cab; thankful someone will be here in 10 minutes. I picked up every single piece of clothing I own scattered in his room, I almost grabbed his unwashed white jacket and brought it with me but I stopped myself. I need to start fresh on my own, even leaving all the things he bought me. It will just remind me of this bitter end. And he would hate me, for sure, he would. I would prefer anger over him knowing the truth. The truth will make him run back to me and I can't do that. I can't be that selfish.
I zip my suitcase and check my phone, the driver will be here in 5 minutes. I put on my jacket over my sleep clothes, not risking making any sounds by changing it, and grabbed my suitcase, lifting it. I tiptoed towards the door and I felt him hum in his sleep, thinking he would be awake but he went back to sleep. I hold my breath opening the door, looking in the hallway and peaking downstairs. No one is here. I lifted my suitcase and slowly closed the door. I made my way downstairs and finally I'm outside without interruption.
The cab was there when I sneaked out from their gate, thankfully unharmed. But then I heard a bark from behind me, it's Detroit.
"Shhhhh, buddy, keep quiet!" I whispered to him. He wagged his tail, thinking I'm playing with him. The app just gave me a notification that my driver is already outside and my tears start falling again.
"I will miss you..." I hugged Detroit and he licked my face and whimpered. Once I'm outside and in the cab, I can still hear him barking from a distance.
I didn't know how I even get through the 12-hour flight by myself but I still feel the heaviness in my heart when I stepped on the LA streets and hailed a cab
I didn't know how I even got through the 12-hour flight by myself but I still felt the heaviness in my heart when I stepped on the LA streets and hailed a cab. I must look really ridiculous with my outfit and I don't even care. My phone is going off for hours, texts and calls from Hunter and Evee. I ignored them and let my phone battery die so I won't have to explain anything to them, hell, I don't even want to talk to anyone right now. I hail a cab and throw my suitcase first before dragging my body inside. I don't want to go home yet so I decided to go to Jason's.
Once we're in the café, I handed the cabbie a few bills and lifted my suitcase, dragging it to the pavement. I opened the glass door, the bell jingling and the usual coffee aroma invading my nostrils. Jason, looking handsome with his barista apron on and his muscular arms bulging but he doesn't have that effect on me. Once I'm in front, his cashier looked at me weirdly since my oversized sunglasses covered half of my face and I'm still in my PJs.
"Can I have my usual please?" I said to the cashier whom I've never seen before. You've been gone for almost a month, Eliza.
The cashier still looked at me confused and the line was getting longer behind me. Before I could scream at her face, Jason must've noticed me behind the bar and dragged me to our usual spot to hang out. His coffee shop is full so he left me on the couch while talking to one younger man with the same apron he has. Once he's back, he brings me his usual gigantic chocolate chip cookies and my favorite drink, caramel macchiato. I didn't know that it could be made fast or I'm just not time aware in my state of mind.
"Pretty! You look..."
"Wasted, I know."
"No, you look tired." When he realized he said the same thing, his shoulders slump and eyed me from the counter. "Well, yeah, kind of wasted."
I removed my sunglasses so he could see how I rolled my eyes at him while munching on his signature cookies. The usual calm whenever I'm with him makes me think of what just happened. I didn't know what came over me but I threw the cookie on the table and hugged him rather aggressively. I cling to his neck not caring if he can't breathe, I just cried and cried.
"Pretty, what's going on?" he caressed my back and I cried some more. He's the closest to a brother I could have.
Before I could even answer his question, a petite blonde went to our table looking confused and angry.
"Jason..." she said. "Uhm, the delivery finally arrived. I thought you would like to talk to them about the coffee beans you got last month?"
"Yeah, I'll be there." Jason said and faced me, wiping the tears from my face. "Now, you should tell me everything after my shift. But feel free to order anything, it's on me."
"Fine, but tell me, who's that girl?" I can still see her giving me death stares, glancing at us from the glass window of the employee office.
"Ah, she's Amara. My new business partner." He stammered on that last part so I definitely know something is there.
"Okay. Spill." I relaxed against the couch and stared at him.
"We, uh, had a one-night stand..."
"Are you planning on making it two?" I asked.
He chuckled and threw me a piece of the cookie, landing on the couch. For the first time in a few hours, I forgot I was hurting. Being around with a friend made me feel normal again, like I'm back to the old me in this busy city, minding her own damn business.
--
I opened my phone and it was once again flooded by text messages from Hunter. Evee has been trying to get into my Instagram. I feel guilty but there's no turning back now. I unfollowed everyone on the only social media I ever use. It gave me a notification that I'm blocked from doing anything, comment, like, friend request for 24 hours since I unfollowed everyone in a matter of minutes. I threw my phone in my bed and looked up at the ceiling. The sunflower Hunter gave me a few months ago is already wilting in the corner of my room. Pretty much sums up how I feel right now. I feel like a wilting flower, no, I actually feel like shit.
My phone rings and I hesitate to pick it up but I saw Amy's name and I answered immediately.
"Eliza! I have been contacting you for hours! Can we meet up?" she asked, her tone giddy.
"Uh..." I check my watch and it's only two in the afternoon and I don't have anything better to do than stare at the four corners of my room. "Yes, sure. Where do you want to meet up?"
She mentioned a restaurant downtown which serves the best burgers. I took a quick shower, put on jeans and a shirt, and grabbed my keys.
I drove and was surprised I didn't run over anyone on the road while getting there. I parked the car and spotted Amy, with her long blonde hair in neat curls, sitting on the far side, sipping her coffee and typing on her laptop.
I place my bag on the seat across from her.
"Hey, what's up?" I asked, trying to put the biggest fake smile on my face. I still feel like dying.
"Eliza!" She stood up and walked over to my seat and hugged me. Amy has been a great friend and if I haven't met her, I wouldn't have the biggest break of my career. I really am so thankful for having her in my life.
"So, how's London?" she asked and I looked at her confused. I never told anyone about it.
I didn't answer and dug in on the burger she ordered for me.
"Look, I know you and Hunter are a thing. No need to hide it from me."
"I'm not hiding it from you, Amy. I wasn't just ready to tell anyone. But we've broken up so..."
"Oh my God, are you okay?"
I muster all the strength in me not to cry in front of her and look like an idiot in this crowded place.
"I guess, it's meant to happen." I shrugged my shoulders, proud of myself I didn't even shed a tear but I know deep down, I'll have to confront the pain when I'm alone.
"You know, I'm always here, right?" Amy reached for my hand across the table and I sincerely believed her. I'm thankful that there are people I can talk to who'll understand my dilemma.
"Thank you..." I squeezed her hand and she smiled at me warmly.
"So, I met up with you to discuss a promo tour!"
I smiled, feeling so excited about what's to come with this movie happening in a couple of weeks. We talked about the countries we'll visit, she briefed me on how to handle fans specially on book signings. I feel so surreal that this is all happening with me in it, also shit scared of how everything will turn out since Hunter will be there too.
--
I got home and brought Amy's gift to me. Some books she recommends I read and a cake from her favorite bakery. It's a waste to even eat it by myself so I called some friends in LA to come over and my sister who's in town for work. I don't know the glitch with this social media thing but I can still see everything being posted by people I followed a few hours ago. I know I'm not supposed to do it but I went to Hunter's account and went to his tagged posts.
A few fan related edits of me and him and a few from his friends. One recently posted, it's a video of him drinking and smoking and having fun. Sharp pain pierces through my heart. I know how he adores his friends and likes to hang out with them but what did I expect? For him to sulk in his room and cry over me? This is driving me insane. I turn off my phone and throw it on the bed. Then I hear the doorbell ring, thankful for the distraction.
"Eliza! Look at you!" Keri, one of my Aussie friends here in LA, gushed at me. It's not like I look any different from any blonde girl out there.
I hugged her and she's followed by Charlie, Mace and Michelle. Kate's car just parked outside and she's with her model friend, Thomas. She's holding a bottle of rosé wine, my favorite. She touched my cheek and pulled me into a hug. I waved and smiled awkwardly at Thomas while I'm still caged in her arms.
"Where in the bloody hell have you been?" she asked and stepped inside, looking all so bossy with my favorite wine in her hand. I snatch it from her and get a bucket of ice from the fridge.
"I've been to London..." I blurted out.
"Oh, okay. London is such a nice place to visit. You should've told me so we can go together...." She grabbed one of the pizzas from the table, bit into it and then her face lit up. "Oh my God, you're with him!" she squealed.
I rolled my eyes at her exaggeration and sat down across.
"Are you two like a thing, thing?" she asked, her eyes turning to slits.
"Were a thing..." I opened the bottle of wine and retrieved some glasses from the cupboard. I handed one to Kate, Thomas declined and sat down with my friends.
"Where? What happened?"
"Well, I guess it's not meant to be."
"Okay now, you need to tell me all the details."
I took a deep breath and looked at her. I know my sister can sometimes be nosy but I love her, I love confiding in her even if it makes me feel less of me. It makes me feel grounded. And it makes me feel not alone.
"He had a past; as stupid as it may seem, Kate, I believe in destiny so I figured I should give them their second chance."
She fiddled her fingers on the rim of her wine glass and bit her lip, her curly copper hair cascading down her chest. She looks fantastic.
"Wait, did he even want a second chance?" she asked.
"Why does that matter?"
"Because you just made a decision for him which he might not even want. What did you do? Sneak out from his life and expect his past to come swooping back in?"
I feel like an idiot, especially when Kate is making me realize things. I have been selfish, I know, but I couldn't deny the fact that I felt insecure whenever Millie's around. She looked so distraught and just imagining him with her feels like a ton of rocks being pressed on my chest.
"I don't know..." I exhaled, exasperated. I chugged my wine and poured another one.
"You're so selfish."
"I know..." I rested my forehead on crossed arms on the counter, thinking about what I did. "I mean, they should be together right now. Maybe their second chance might work out."
"Or he's miserable like you at this very moment. I know your heart's in the right place, Eliza, but you just took that chance from him to choose. Have you ever thought that it's you who would like to stay?"
"Yes. Of course he would choose me, he's kind and loving and he wouldn't do anything to hurt me."
"So you hurt him instead? Without even telling him why?"
"They had a baby. I couldn't match that, ever."
"Had?"
"She was still born..."
She gasped and I told her about Bella, her eyes fixed on mine. Her hand on top of mine.
"Sis, you've been a caring human being your whole life. You've been the sweetest. You have such a passionate heart, believe me if I say I totally get you. You're the kindest person I know. And I might not be beside you at all times but I always know you'll do good."
She sighed and sipped her wine. "This decision you've made just made me look at you in a new way. You actually sacrificed your happiness for another person's happiness. I could say that I'm not even surprised. This is you, Eliza. It has always been you. But have you ever asked yourself? What are you without him?"
My sister stood up, her familiar scent all over me and pulled me into a hug. I buried my face in the crook of her shoulder and sobbed silently. This is a rare moment for me and my sister, we never had any interaction unless at home in Australia and that's basically in the morning when we eat our breakfast.
I wiped my tears dry and she looked down at me with so much hope and love in her eyes.
"You're forever my baby girl, you know that, right?" she smiled at me, seeing Dad's features on her. They look so much alike.
"Ugh, Kate, we're only one year apart, remember?"
"I'm still the big sis, remember?"
I chuckled and hugged her once more. I loved that we could do this, me in a shitty place while my sister's there to comfort me. Above all the things my sister said to me, one question rings in my ears and creates an ache in my heart.
What are you without him?