Donde Todo Comenzo. . .
As I heard the estimated cost for the operation of my brother, seems like my body lost all of its energy in an instant.
I couldn't move my feet and I lost all my words at the moment. It's just like a bucket of ice was poured upon me and I was frozen.
Walang lumalabas na kahit isang salita sa bibig ko na para bang tinakasan ako ng boses. Blangko. Hindi magawa ng isip kong makabuo ng salita at pangungusap para makapagsalita. Sa isang iglap, para akong napipe. Nangilid ang mga luha sa mata ko. Anumang oras ay tuluyan na silang bubuhos.
Did I read it right? Did I misread it?
Where will I get that huge amount of money? Manlilimos? I had no idea! That's too costly! Kahit ano'ng maliliit na negosyo, extra, at sideline ang pasukin ko ay matatagalan bago ako makabuo ng ganoong napakalaking halaga ng pera! This is too much!
I gave the doctor a simple nod—which was the assigned doctor for my brother, Kalil.
Matangkad, medyo mahaba ang buhok. Ang mas nakaaagaw ng pansin sa kaniya ay hindi basta-basta ang pagkakahulma ng mukha. Her lips, cheeks, eyes, and her nose were not ordinary, visibly obvious. She has furry skin. She's also wearing eyeglasses that is good for anti-radiation. Nakasabit sa leeg niya ang stethoscope. She's not a pure Pilipina, judging by her physical features.
She's kinda familiar. . .
Right now, I'm here at the John-Bio General Hospital to visit my brother, Kalil, and to know his condition as well.
Blood loss.
Bone fractures.
Brain damages.
Ang maputing balat ni Kalil ay labis na naging maputla. Noong makita ko siya kanina, ang kaniyang puting university uniform ay naging kulay pula dahil sa dugong galing din mismo sa katawan niya mula sa pagkakahulog sa building—na hanggang sampung palapag.
He attempts to commit suicide. He jumped into a ten-storey building. Of course, it creates a commotion to the public. What happened was now all over the internet and social media.
However, Kalil is now in a ‘semi-critical’ condition, according to Dra. Chem.
Hindi basta-basta ang building ng school nila na bawat palapag ay napakataas. I'm not an architect nor engineer but the distance from each floor of the building made it obvious. Kung nasa second floor ka pa nga lang ay nakalulula na, paano pa kaya kung babagsak ka pababa mula sa pinakamataas na palapag?
My brother needs to undergo an operation but not in an as-soon-as-possible case.
Hindi puwedeng mawala si Kalil sa akin. He's my brother—and the only one that I have right now. Baka hindi ko kayanin kung pati siya ay kuhain sa akin. Minsan na akong nawalan ng mga mahal sa buhay at masasabi kong malaking bahagi ng buhay ko at pagkatao ko ang nawasak dahil sa matinding kalungkutan.
I don't want it to happen again. Tama na.
Baka sa susunod, hindi ko na kayanin. Baka mabaliw ako. The pain is too much to handle.
"Essa! How are you? Are you fine? How are you doing?" Natigilan ako nang marinig ang nakaiinis na boses na iyon. Bawat salita ay parang nagdudulot sa akin ng matinding sakit, lungkot, inis, galit. Every single word from that voice disgusts me—as well as the person who owns it. My hands trembled in resentment.
My fists clenched tightly. Before, whenever I heard that voice, it gives me solace that I had love to embrace. Now, it sent shivers down my spine as it disgusts and infuriates me.
Pagkaharap ko sa taong iyon, hindi ko na naman alam ang sasabihin at gagawin ko. Nablangko na naman ako dahil hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman at dapat kong maramdaman dala ng mga nangyari ngayon.
Mixed emotions dominated my whole system.
Mabilis akong tumalikod nang makitang tumatakbo patungong direksiyon ko si Skyler. He was running in my direction, sadness and sympathy are visible in his eyes.
I won't answer all of his questions. Everything will make no sense, to be exact. For what? To confuse me again? To deceive me again? I have had enough of his words and hearing his arguments will just make the situation worse.
We should stop it now.
I continued walking to completely avoid him. Hindi na tamang makaharap ko pa siya at magkapalitan kami ng mga salita dahil hindi na dapat. I wish, he would vanish in my sight in an instant.
My mind's telling me to stop and face him, to talk to him, to let him explain, dahil may parte pa rin sa aking kailangan ko munang maghulos-dili—but I immediately stop myself from the thought.
Hindi na maaari.
Hindi na puwede.
Hindi na dapat.
I had to finish everything. Gusto ko ng magpahinga at payapain ang isip ko. Masyado na akong napapagod at hindi na kakayanin pa ng damdamin at utak ko na pagsabayin ang lahat ng mga nangyayari. I was completely miserable. This is the only thing I should do.
"Essa! Are you fine? Stop right there! Please! Let's talk! Kausapin mo naman ako!"
And then I stopped.
Bakit ganoon? Bakit huminto ang mga paa ko kahit sinasabi ng utak ko na magpatuloy lang ako? Napakadaya! Seems like fate is against me. Hanggang sa naramdaman kong yumakap siya sa akin mula sa likuran ko. . .
Dinaya ko lang ang sarili ko. Hindi na ito dapat at ayaw ko na, right? Pero bakit parang may parte pa rin sa akin na nagustuhan ko ang yakap niya? I must have gone mad for what I felt.
I faced him, trying my best not to show at least a piece of emotion—because that is my weakness—and he's also one of my weaknesses. I may not take a look at the people around us, but I'm sure that they're looking at me and Skyler who has a scene right now.
Gusto kong umiyak, gusto kong magwala, gusto kong ilabas ang lahat ng emosiyong nagsisiksikan sa dibdib ko na anumang oras ay maaaring sumabog; kaso ay hindi ko magawa! Parang sa isang iglap, nawalan ako ng lakas. Nanghihina na ako.
Anumang oras, bibigay na ang katawan ko.
I don't know what to do anymore and my head might explode anytime. Everything was so abrupt, unforeseen, unexpected. Hindi man lang ako sinabihan, nakapaghanda sana ako.
"W-We need to talk."
Pain is visible in his eyes, it was pleading, while saying those words. His eyes were telling me to at least give him a chance, to explain his self, and to defend his self. Maging ang boses niyang nakapagpapagaan sa loob ko ay may bahid ng lungkot habang binibitiwan ang mga salitang iyon. Sa tono niya, parang sinasabi niyang kaawaan ko siya.
He was the one who comforts me in my miserable state; the one who makes me feel significant and loved. Ilang salita niya lang, mula sa kalungkutan at pagkatulala ay bumabalik na ako sa dati. Every smile of him makes me feel safe.
He tamed every raging wave in me. Parang gusto kong hayaan siyang ipaliwanag niya ang sarili para naman maliwanagan din ako.
Ngunit nang maalala ko ang ginawa niya, natauhan ako. I shouldn't talk to him, to begin with. I shouldn't see him and hear his words.
Dahil tapos na ang lahat sa amin.
"Can't you understand? Were you deaf? Alin sa ‘ayaw ko na’ at ‘tapos na tayo’ ang mahirap unawain, Skyler?" I yelled at him. I maintained my posture to show him na hindi na ako padadala sa mga titig niya. Natatakot ako sa mga posibilidad at mga pagkakataon.
"Can we set aside that first, Essa? Unahin na muna natin ang kapatid mo! He needs to undergo an operation! I'm begging you, please, kahit para kay Kalil na lang muna. . ."
Napatawa ako nang mapakla, nararamdaman kong unti-unti nang bumabagsak ang mga luha sa mata ko. A sarcastic laugh escape from my mouth. I bit my lower lip so hard to stop myself from crying.
This is not the right place.
Ayaw ko ng magbulag-bulagan pa. May hawak na akong tungkod na maggagabay sa akin para hindi na maligaw, para hindi na ako makinig pa sa mga sasabihin niya. Papaikutin niya lamang ako sa mga salita niyang nakasasakit sa ngipin sa tamis. Nakasasawa.
"What will you do, then? You will lend me your money? You will give me coins? After that, what will happen next? We're going back like we used to? Is that what you want?"
He's about to say something but I cut him off and fired him again. "Your money won't bring back us, Skyler. All my words were simple, right? But why can't you understand them? Tanga ka? Bobo ka?!" I yelled once more.
Deep inside, I heard a loud bang in my chest from those offensive words I just muttered in front of him. Paano ko nasasabi kay Skyler ang ganoong mga bagay gayong aminado ako sa sarili ko na hanggang ngayon. . . Paano?
I hate to admit it but I'm just fooling myself.
Parang nagbitiw ako ng salita, pagtapos ay kinain lang din naman iyon.
A statement without application is dead.
"That's now what I want, Essa! I just wanted to help Kalil! Just accept it for the sake of your brother! Accept my help and disregard the thought that I'm helping because I wanted to bring back us. Accept it because you need it!" he argued, eyes widened, veins popping out.
"Hindi na, SKYLER."
Diniinan ko ang pangalan niya upang ipangalandakan kung gaano siya karuming tao. What I saw that day is enough to not fall again from his sweets. I should really stop. Masyado na akong nahihilo sa isang bagay na hindi ko dapat iniikutan. Masyado na akong nagpapahilo sa isang bagay na hindi naman nakahihilo. There's only one way for this. . .
Oras na para gumising sa isang panaginip na ako lang din naman ang bumubuhay.
I took a deep breath and wiped my tears away.
Tinatagan ko ang boses ko upang iparating at ipakita sa kaniya na matatag pa rin ako—even though I am really not.
"Kahit Ibenta ko pa ang katawan ko, gagawin ko para magkapera at maoperahan si Kalil! I won't accept any single penny from you. Ikaw nga, marumi na, paano pa kaya ang pera mo?"
‘Everything will be okay, Essa. You did the right thing, Essa.’ I told myself.
Pagtapos kong sabihin iyon ay mabilis akong tumakbo palabas ng ospital. Hindi ko inintindi ang sigaw ni Skyler maging ng mga bulungan sa paligid. Wala akong pakialam sa kung anuman ang sasabihin o iisipin nila dahil wala naman silang tulong at maiaambag sa akin.
I run as fast as I could. Gusto kong ilabas ang napakabigat na pakiramdam sa dibdib ko. I don't want people to see me in my weak state. I didn't want them to see me miserable. Kapag tungkol talaga sa mga mahahalaga sa akin, nagiging mas mahina pa ako sa mahina.
Nakarating ako sa isang eskinita. Maliwanag pa naman dahil hapon. No one's here except me so it might be the right place—dahil walang makakikita sa akin pagdating sa kahinaan ko.
Napaluhod ako sa sementong kinatatayuan ko ngayon kasabay ng pagbagsak ng mga luha sa mata. Nonstop. Hindi ko na kaya. The world is against me, I guess. I could feel it.
Both of my parents died.
Our house was burned down.
Skyler and I were not in decent condition.
Now, I needed to make a huge amount of money for Kalil's operation and that is no joke.
"The fall causes damage and injuries to Kalil's brain. It causes destruction or deterioration of his brain cells." The doctor that was assigned to my brother started to explain.
"According to Glasgow Coma Scale or GCS as the most widely used scoring system used for assessing the level of severity of a brain injury or brain damage, we discovered that your bother is in moderate brain injury—12."
"Do not be complacent, Ms. Espejo. As of now, we're waiting for three more test results. I suggest you to prepare a high amount for this operation."
She continued explaining a lot of things. I get some of it and some were not. I was absorbed by my emotions and I couldn't take them all. But what made me caught off guard was her last statement.
"Possible that he might have Prosopagnosia. . ."
Bakit ganito? Bakit ba napakamalas kong tao? Bakit ba hindi na lang sumang-ayon sa akin ang mundo? I just wanted to be happy. I just want a normal life. Is that bad? Is that illegal?
Kahit hindi na kasiyahan ang ibigay sa akin.
Kahit. . .
Kahit kapayapaan na lang sa buhay. . .
Pero bakit ganito? Sa lahat ng hiniling ko ay kabaliktaran ang ibinigay sa akin! Ang hiniling ko ay ubas, ngunit ang ibinigay sa akin. . . ay isang mansanas. Napakadaya. Hindi 'to tama!
Buong buhay ko ay puro kabutihan lang ang ginawa ko. Alam ng Diyos kung gaano ako kabuting tao. Alam niya na sa dalawampu't tatlong taon ng pamumuhay ko, puro kalooban niya lang ang sinusunod ko.
Pero bakit ganito? Ito na ba ang premyo niya sa akin? Ito na ba ang kapalit sa lahat ng mga kabutihang nagawa ko? Ito na ba ang sukli sa lahat ng mga pagsusumikap ko?
Ang dagdagan ang mga problema ko?
My tears were unstoppable as it symbolizes grief, sorrow, and disappointment. I tried hard to stop crying but I failed to do so. I hate to admit that I was disappointed to Him. Buong buhay ko, ipinangako ko sa sarili kong hindi ko kailanman Siya tatanungin sa mga bagay na nangyayari sa akin, mabuti man o masama.
But this is too much! I didn't deserve it all! He took my parents away, our house burned down in the fire, Skyler and I are in critical condition, as well as my brother who needs to undergo an operation. Isn't it too much?
I stood up straight and heaved a long sigh. Mabilis kong pinunasan ang mga luha sa mata at pisngi at inayos ang sarili. Hindi dapat ako nagiging mahina sa mga panahon na kailangan ako ni Kalil. Kaming dalawa na lamang ang magkasama sa buhay because our parents passed away.
Isang sagwan na lang ang natitira, ipaaanod ko ba sa tubig?
Ako na lang ang inaasahan ni Kalil. Kailangan kong magpakatatag dahil ako na lang ang kinakapitan niya at siya na lamang din ang kinakapitan ko. Kailangan kong gumawa ng paraan at kumilos. Hindi naghuhulog ang itaas ng biyaya habang ako ay nakaupo lang at walang ginagawa. Walang himala ang darating na paggising ko na lang sa umaga, ayos na ang lahat. There's no such thing as miracle so I need to work hard for the price.
"Another ‘fight for life’, huh?" I mouthed. I flashed a forced smile across my lips.
Ang dami ko ng nasimulan.
Ang dami na naming hinarap ni Kalil.
Ngayon pa ba ako susuko?
Magpapatuloy ako. . . Hangga't may dahilan para magpatuloy ako.
Hindi ako susuko. . . Hangga't may dahilan para hindi ako sumuko.
I started to move my feet to go back to my brother Kalil, at John-Bio GH. I hope, Skyler's not there anymore and left the place. Dalawang hakbang pa lamang ang nagagawa ko ay napahinto ako nang may matapakang kung ano. Kumalansing pa iyon. The word ‘metal’ comes first in my sanity. . .
I looked around and see no one. Silence illuminated the lane. How do I describe it? Imagine the place in a ‘ghost town’ mode.
I shifted my gaze to the ‘something’ na natapakan ko. What I saw made my brows furrowed. Take a guess: a tool or weapon with a cutting edge or blade, often attached to a handle or hilt. It is a tool or weapon that can kill a person by stabbing it to the target's body. One may say that it's very dangerous.
Answer? What I saw is a knife. Kumikintab pa ito sa talim at tulis. I can see my reflection on the edge, standing with a confused look. Don't belittle the knife because it is not ordinary as it is.
It has bloodstains. . .