UNEDITED
"Let go!" I demand without looking at him, a face that once had been part of my life. I suppose before this I had innate feeling that he is the only one for me. I thought we were both in board. Guess I was so wrong. It's not anymore.
Jeremy and I. We met when we were in high school. I was extremely attracted to him. We were getting along just fine despite both of us being student. In the beginning of our relationship I was a bit heavier while he's bit of health nut. I've been struggling with my weight issues since in primary school. I've always been someone with a laid back and insecurities personality due to my weight issues but Jeremy was always with me, convincing me he liked me for who I was.
That, until his ex showed up at our school from nowhere. His ex has transferred to our school and won't go away since. It's seems the ex-Lucas not be over Jeremy yet. I try to not let this bother me and prove to Jeremy that I was enough for him. I've never with Lucas face to face until one day when we were at the party at our classmate's house. When Jeremy talk to another friend, I went up to Lucas to try get him to join us since I noticed he was staying away from where most people were. Surprisingly he was a few inches taller than me and had a lot of scars around his neck. He was quite polite when we were chatting. But I just can't help it but feel like I'm just a joke next to him. Instead he being polite, he can't stop mentioning about my body. I know I'm not near to being fit as him but come on. I have feeling too.
After that, my emotions are always on a rollercoaster ride. What bothers me the most when Jeremy has decided to keep his ex around us. On several occasions we had fights over his ex. This used killed me inside that I get so depressed that it's hard for me to get back to my usual bubbly self. Jeremy also discussed things about our relationship with him which in my opinion he should have discussed things with me. This has bothered me a lot. I have brought this up several times but Jeremy still wants to keep him. He has reassured me that he loves me only and only want to be with me so I should put a more trust on him. He just doesn't understand my point of view. It's really tearing me up inside. I doesn't understand how he didn't realized my feeling. Don't let me start when his ex has been non-stop calling him in front of me. I feel direspected
I couldn't take it no more when I caught Jeremy bringing up his ex to his house without letting me know. We had fight again but get over it. One day when I went to his house Lucas was there as well, I walked up to Jeremy's bed and I had caught their conversation which is about my appearance. He felt the need to his ex exactly know about his thought about me. Jeremy laugh so hard when Lucas called me chunky and even calling a few a friends at school with several names as fat, mama bear and insulting them in a way I couldn't believe. I heard how Jeremy say to his ex that how he doesn't like fat people and values skinny type more. I just wish he would communicate with me. I have insecurities like so many others. It hurts so much when he said he needs me to lose 59 pounds. Seriously? Why not 60? This where it got so middled for me. I stormed in and threw my phone on the floor which jolted them both. They were both startle until they saw who was standing at the door way. I saw Jeremy's mouth moved to say something but I just walked out of his room and out of his house.
There is so much anger in my body like a machine gun that is fired constantly without maintenance. I was so ready to blowed up so the next day I tried to approaches Jeremy but he was nowhere to been found. The rest is....BOOM! Mario, one of Jeremy's friend approach me then I was crushed. I feel stupid when he told me that Jeremy choose his ex over me and even slept with him behind my back. The person I trusted most betrayed me without hesitation. I have nobody else but him. But maybe this is the best for both us.
Took me long enough to figure out that I was the only one putting an effort in. No wonder he became sullen and closed off when he was around me after his ex coming back. Well, its been 2 years now and quite a few things have happen and I've finally gotten over it. Though I've still got trust issue.
I thought I would never meet him anymore but here he was, standing before me.
"What do you want Jeremy" I asked as I trying to keep my voice calm. I hope he would picked up and just leave since my voice came out kind of cracked.
I thought I've finally gotten over him? I admit I miss what we once had when we were together. He was my first best friend. He knew what I needed even when I couldn't articulate it and...
"I want you back"
What?
"What?"
He opens his mouth to say something but I cut him off.
"Just leave Jeremy. Why are you here? What do you want from me?"
"I-I want to surprise you"
I raised my brows in confusion. "Okay.. well that works. Now please remove your hand off me" I stated firmly but his grip didn't budge at all. "Jeremy!" I hissed, my voice higher than it should have been.
When he finally freed me I instantly walked off and my pace quick with the heat as I count from 1 to 10, to calm myself from getting angry.
As I was about to reach the building I could feel he following close behind then suddenly he boldly pressed himself against my side and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pulling me and I was forced to stop. So not cool.
"Not. Not until you hear me out"
I quickly turned to him. My body start shaking uncontrollably as he kept on talking, plead to me.
"I still love you. I've learned from my mistake. Please forgive me baby. Please take me back. I beg you" his right hand taking a grip on my left arm.
At this point, his blue eyes that used to longed for me only are watering. I feel like crying too because deep inside I miss him. He was my first boyfriend. We had the same interest and anything I wanted he would be down. But all of that is just memories.
He is my past.
So I took a deep breath as I try to flex every muscle in my body as hard as I could for 5 seconds but nothing work and I had been on edge.
I tried to free my arm but again, his grips didn't budge. So I shake my arm a little bit too much made his grip loosen. As he was about grab me again I grap his wrist and put him into a wrist lock, tighten it when he let out a gasp as he made a face like he was in pain.
"I will snap your wrist if you dare to touch me again" I warned. Inever lose control of myself before. But this guy has crossed the line. I should got a pepper sprayed later.
Jeremy look at me with disbelief on his face. His eyes widen and his mouth is wide open but shut it back. I'm sure he could see nothing but anger in my eyes.
After I feel a bit calm, I let him off as I step back. "Go away Jeremy. The day you had betrayed me is the day I had thrown you out of my life"
"I'm so sorry. I w..."
"I hadn't realized I was just plan B. My heart completely broken. You've no idea what I've been through these past year"
"I didn't mean to hurt you. I swear I love you"
"Really?" Sarcasm dripping in my voice. "It took me a good years to get my life together and quit beating myself up" I looked away from him, tried to hold my tears. "I lost you and I lost my parents too. I didn't want to coming out like that. I c-cry the same night after you had gone with him. My mom was so worried and wants an explanation so without thinking I told her about us. She freak out and tried to convince me that I misunderstood my feelings toward you. After that she left my room only to come back later with my dad. He beat me up"
"I'm so sorry" Jeremy was sobbing convulsively almost drops to his knees, hands up to cover his face. When I observe him I just notice how he has changed a lot. His body is bit tubby. I couldn't believe someone like him had changed. He is on his way to being fat. I remember how he was so obsessed with healthy food. He was always aware of what he eats and just treat himself with unhealthy food every once in a while. I recall one day when I bought ice cream for myself during our dating period. He didn't say anything but his face was changed somewhat. When I asked him why, he just shrugs while say nothing. After that I asked him to buy me Mcd. I couldn't help but feel like this is karma. He brought this on himself.
"You know he'll show up, you know that along but you are so good at pretending. I was so blind, so naive. How could you??" I whispered. "You promise me that we will come out to our family together. You promise to protect me but you abandon me. How could you" I didn't hide my tears as I let them drips down.
Back there we have been hiding from our family because Jeremy's parents is raging homophobe. They has talked about how they hope LGBT people disappear. As for me, I hasn't come out because I was simply coward and scared of my parents rejection.
As for my parents, currently they live three towns over me and somehow they finds out where I live. One day they coming over to my place and starts babbling off the list of a bunch of things I need to change if I wants them to take me back in. But no thanks. I'm perfectly fine by myself. They had no choice but accept me for who I am.
Jeremy wipe his tears and tried to reach me but stopped in the mid when I narrowing my eyes. "You know, I had lost everything and the feeling is like I lost everything in fire with no money, no insurance. I was so confused, so scared at the time. I've nobody to turn to. You turned your back on me"
I closed my eyes to calm myself. I don't get angry so often but when I do, I get mad so much that my head hurts and it was almost impossible to get rid the anger until I'm done raging. "You know how much I despise cheater.." I shook my head as I let out a sigh. "My parents kicked me out but I'm so lucky having aunt Leslie by my side. She took me in with her" I said after a while.
Jeremy looks at me with sympathy. He knows my aunt. We used to hang out at her place. My aunt was single mother with three children.
"How is her been doing? I miss her too"
I gave him a really look. "She had passed away a year ago and listen, I wont add more on what you did to me before because you now know how hurtful it was and I wasn't plan to be with someone's fall back plan anymore. I've no idea what future holds but I'm happy where I'am now so just leave me alone" I said with a final tone. As flattering as it sound, I'm not going to be an idiot.
You could forgive, but don't be a fool.
"I hope I didn't do what what I did but we were both so young and I-I can't love two people at once. I know I fucked up so bad and I know I did wrong but please give me a second chance"
And the award for the most obvious soft begging in history goes to....
Can't love two person huh. "Listen, I've stopping loving you in any way of shape or form when you left me behind" I don't know what he is thinking by rekindle our relationship when there is none.
No, Rien, Nada, Nyet
I was so devastated when he left out of the blue. Like all what we had means nothing, weren't worth. If he ever loved me, he wouldn't have hurt me.
I wouldn't want to ever feel like I'm not worthy of love again.
I stepped toward him with a tears. Jeremy seems nervous when I hold his hand on mine. "Thank you. Thank you for apologize" I sobs. I don't need closure but I really felt good about this meeting. He had admited his mistake and apologized. This is whay I want. I feel free from all the anger and hatred I had for him when he left. The weight was lifted and it was the most wonderful freeing feeling ever.
"Can I hug you for the last time?" His voice cracked and filled with hope.
It's been a while since I got a hug and I really need one right now. So I hugged him. He tightened the hug and buries his head on my shoulder, sobbing.
Finally letting go, he stepped back and held my eye for a few heartbeats with lots of emotion on his face-regret, sadness and all before he nod and walking away. Away from my life for the second time.
He was my first best friend and my first love. I'll always remember him but I have moved on and it's best for my mental health not to be remember anymore.
..............
That night, I stripped off, stumbled into the shower then hop into the bed with a smile on my face. For the first time I was definitely had the best sleep and best dream ever until at some point I wake up to used the bathroom, had a snack then went back to sleep for another hours. I didn't remember what the dream was though.
Sorry for the mistakes.
English is not my first language