When the walls close in, what do you think about? The world outside? Certain death?
For Lou, it was the first. For three years now, he had been the butt of everyone's jokes. He meant nothing. The other dolls saw him as nothing.
Sitting in his new house, [he had no idea what had happened to his mansion.] he pondered his new life. Wake up, sweep, clean, clean some more, sleep, rinse, repeat. His everyday life consisted of nothing but.
Lou pondered. He had nothing else to do. He lay on his bed, in the Supply Shed, and carefully fingered his wounds. It had been three years, and he was still subjected to surprise beatings. He'd been washing windows, brooding, and generally minding his own business, when they attacked. They pinned him down, and tore at his clothes, his hair, and littered the street with stuffing. He didn't even try to fight them. At this point, he was just happy that the Supply Shed was stocked with all the extra stuffing a doll could ever want.
Wincing as he stitched a hideous rip in his arm, Lou seethed. He had once been THE doll. And yet, the only happiness he could find was taken away from him. At this point, he was just another doll...another doll who could never achieve his dream. He had the same dream as any doll on earth; to go to the Big World, and meet his child. But no, he just had to be a prototype.
"It isn't fair," he growled again. "How can a bunch of rejects be allowed to go to the Big World, when I can't? How come no one understands?!" He was screaming now. Whirling toward the wall, he started to punch, letting out all the injustice. He pondered; why couldn't he just be another doll in the bunch? Why did he have to be the one doll that no one liked?
Why did he feel so awful about it?
Sighing, Lou stopped punching the wall. He'd been doing that for months, and it wasn't getting him anywhere. He looked around. Everything was the same; the crates, the boxes, the barrels that he didn't bother going through. The cleaning supplies that awaited him in the corner for this afternoon's labor. The door, that he only went through twice; once in the morning, and once in the afternoon.
He was hated. By dolls and humans alike. And he felt guilty about it.
He knew he'd made some mistakes. But, he also knew there was no chance of forgiveness. Sighing once more, he silenced those thoughts, and lay down to sleep. He had a long afternoon of cleaning to do.
A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts, and a familiar voice floated through; "hey, Lou? Can I come in?" Lou rolled his eyes as the rabbit-thing, not waiting for an answer, let himself in. Ox sat on the bed, and turned to face his old friend. "Hey, Lou. You okay?" There was no answer. Lou stared at the wall, away from his former friend. Every time he looked at Ox, he felt like crying.
Ox tried again. "You know, you don't have to sit in here all day. You can do other things, like any other doll." He heard a sound coming from the prototype, and turned. "You wanna come hang out with me for a while?" For a moment, Lou didn't answer. Then, he rose from his bed, not facing Ox, but sitting up anyway. The rabbit-thing smiled. "Hey! Atta-boy, Lou!" He patted LOu's shoulder. "I knew you were still in there!"
"Like any other doll..." Ox paused. "What's that?" Lou tensed, his fists clenching. "Like any other doll..." he repeated. He started to laugh, repeating the phrase over and over, uncontrollably. Ox bit his lip, nervously. "Um..." Before he could respond, Lou whipped around to face him. "Like any other doll!" He screamed. "I'm not any other doll! I'm not a doll at all!" Ox jumped. He hadn't expected this sudden outburst. "Now, Lou..." Lou cut him off. "I was never mad for love, okay? Or can someone like YOU, loved by everyone you know, not understand?" Ox glance at the floor, unsure of what to say. Lou continued without notice. "Every doll needs to be loved. I'M NOT A DOLL! I'M SORRY, OKAY?" Frowning, Ox cautiously stepped toward Lou. "Sorry? what for?" Lou grabbed his shoulders. "GET OUT! GET OUT! I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP! I DON'T NEED TO HEAR YOU RUBBING IT IN! YOU WON! I LOST! I'M NOT STUPID! I GET IT, ALRIGHT?" without waiting for an answer, Lou shoved Ox out the door, and barricaded it behind him. The rabbit stood frozen. He'd never seen Lou act like that before. It was as if...Lou no longer trusted him.
A sound from the shed caught Ox off guard. Lou was crying. Cringing, Ox moved to knock on the door...and froze. He couldn't stand there when his friend needed help, but Lou had made it pretty clear that he would just shove him out again. With his head down, Ox left, hoping to give Lou some space.
Lou cried for a solid two hours, before he finally pulled himself together. 'Just like an ugly doll,' he thought to himself, miserably. Ugly dolls got all the love. They could never understand. They could never understand what it was like to have everyone hate you. They were too lovable. They could never understand what guilt felt like. They were too nice. And they could never understand what it felt like when you were dying on the inside out, never knowing what it was like to be truly happy. Wiping a tear from his cheek, Lou reached under his pillow, and pulled out an empty notebook he had found lying on the ground a year ago. Over time, it had become his diary.
September 23, 2019
I hear it all the time; Ugly dolls are not one bit ugly. They're too nice. I say, Ugly dolls are just as ugly on the inside as I was. They don't care. All they care about is that they got to be with their perfect child.
So why do I feel so...bad? I feel this swirling in my gut. It's like...hopelessness. I know I'll never have a kid. I know I've made mistakes, and I know I'll never be forgiven. I know my punishment will never end. I know I'm completely worthless. Why do they keep having to remind me?
there was a pounding on the door. "Lou! You're late!" Emotionless, Lou hid his diary, and gathered his things. He snapped on a pair of rubber gloves, a hairnet, and an apron, feeling like a dork. Pushing that feeling away, he opened the door, and pushed his cleaning cart out. There to greet him were the ones he had affectionately dubbed His Doom.
Smirking, Matt walked forward and grabbed the other end of Lou's cart. With one hearty push, Lou was sprawled out on the ground. Matt's minions laughed. Abby took pictures. She could never have enough pictures of Lou looking like trash. "Still think my nose end up all wrong?" She sneered, watching as Matt's henchmen, Griff and Leon tossed dirt at Lou. "Who's ugly now?" They jeered with each toss. "Who's ugly now?" A couple years earlier, this would've infuriated Lou. But no longer. He was done being angry. What was the point? His anger only amused people now, anyway. No one took him seriously. So there was no point in being angry, not when there was nothing he could do about Matt's dooms-men. So, he merely pushed his cart along, beginning his afternoon drill. Coming to the picnic grounds, he observed what would most likely be another four hours of work. Laughing, Matt slapped his shoulder. "Sorry about that. We made a bit of a mess here. But hey, anything for you, huh pal?" A roar of laughter went through the bullies as they marched away, dropping litter and knocking things over as they went. Lou sighed. Yes, he deserved that.
Taking out his broom, he went about sweeping, quickly zoning out, and ignoring the stars, the laughter and jokes at his expense. 'No One loves you.' The voice in his head teased. 'What you gonna do about it?' Lou didn't know.
A red fuzzball interrupted his thoughts. "Want some help?" Lou glanced up at Lucky bat. "No, thanks." he mumbled. Lucky bat must not have heard him, because he went along picking up trash and humming to himself. Ignoring him, Lou went back to sweeping, entertaining himself with thoughts of leaving this world forever, so he didn't have to deal with it any more. No more bullies, no more guilt, no more having to look at there snide faces and remember the looks they gave him after he said they were ugly. Those sad, shocked, hopeless faces that had once given him satisfaction and twisted happiness, covering up the guilt and empathy.
Lucky bat, ignorant to Lou's currant state, tossed his armfuls of garbage in the trash. "You know what would make this more fun? We could see who could gather the most trash the fastest!" He turned around for Lou's opinion, only to find the blond doll was not listening. "Uh...Lou?" When he received no answer, Lucky bat hopped up on a table, and waved a wing in front of Lou's face. "Lou? Are you okay?"
"Just leave me alone." Lucky bat blinked, shocked at Lou's tone. He sounded...empty, and yet full of hurt at the same time. The same way all the Ugly dolls talked when they found out they were rejects, only...stronger.
"What?" In his shock, that was the only thing the red bat could get himself to say. Lou glanced over at him, and net his eyes. Lucky bat suddenly felt sick.
"Just leave me alone...please." Lou repeated ducking his head again, but not before Lucky bat saw the tears that streaked his face, falling off his cheeks and littering his clothes. As Lou continued sweeping, Lucky bat got a good look at him. His hair was a mess under that hairnet, and his suit was an absolute disgrace. Of course, Lucky bat never really cared about looks, but he knew Lou would've ordinarily gone crazy. Lucky bat wanted to chase after him, to find out what was wrong, but Lou was already leaving. He had asked Lucky bat to leave him along. Which left the red bat with only one solution...
"MOXY!!!" Lucky jumped off the table, and went charging towards to portal, knowing Moxy would still be around for lunch. If anyone could fix Lou, it was Moxy.
Lou ignored Lucky bat's sudden panic. He was honestly relieved that the ugly doll had finally left him alone, but at the same time, sad because he no longer had company. He shook that off. 'No,' he told himself. 'No love. You can't have love.' As much as he wanted it, he didn't want to risk adding more pain to the sea of hurt inside him.
*nine hours later*
Lou trudged into his shed, pushing the cleaning cart into a corner, though, with his new lack of strength, it only rolled about two feet. He stumbled, without the cart to support him, and leaned against the wall to remove his apron. Matt's friends had stolen his hairnet, and hung it from the flagpole, so he spent two hours trying to get it back down, with no avail. He'd thrown out his gloves after he got who-knows-what all over them, which left him with just his apron.
The apron fell to the floor, and Lou flopped onto his bed face-first, without even taking off his clothes like he usually did. But, even though he was bone-tired, sleep did not come easily. He tossed and turned, tormented by thoughts. Thoughts of guilt, anger and sadness. thoughts littered with loneliness, and longing. He wanted so badly to eave this world, and all these bad memories, but he was trapped. If he didn't do something soon, He'd go crazy.
Although, there was something nagging at him...was he really trapped? could he really not leave? What would happen if he...tried?
He looked out the window for a while, taking in the houses, all of them looking like they'd gone through a blender. Oddly, he found himself liking them, but kept his thoughts to himself. He took in the streets he knew so well, and just looked at the world, feeling a very small sense of calm wash over him. He flopped onto his bed, pulled the covers up under his chin, and closed his eyes, hoping that if he laid there quietly, he could sleep. But, instead of a welcome sleep, he felt like he was falling, straight down a black hole, into nothingness...