Dana was staring at the coffee cup in her hand. She sat on her bed. The suitcase stood still unpacked where she had left it – right next to the door. She had hoped to catch Julie before she would go over to class or to the library. But the room was vacant, so she had sat on her bed. She tried to understand why she felt so uncomfortable all at once.
To be with John was so easy. She felt comfortable in his presence, didn't need to find excuses for being who she was and what she did. Of course she wanted him to like her, to get a compliment on a dress or about the way she looked. But she liked it even more when he laughed about her jokes, walked the beach or in the park without feeling the need to talk. Dana didn't want to compete. She knew why John was with her and that he enjoyed the ease of their relationship. Would that hold once they were officially a couple? Or would she need to answer questions about why John had chosen her over his beautiful, screen-perfect wife? Would she be able to sit in any restaurant without her calories being counted? And how would it affect her studies? She would hardly be able to set foot into a classroom without being stared at. Did she love John enough to face all that?
I need to talk to Julie, she thought.
Julie was sitting in the library studying Modern English Literature. When Dana flopped down beside her, she looked up.
"Seen the paper?", Dana asked quietly.
"Which one?"
"People of today"
"No. Is there something interesting in it?" Julie sat back in her chair.
"Yeah. John and me."
Julie starred at her. "You are kidding!"
"Oi!", said a black-haired guy from further down the long table, demanding silence.
Julie packed book, notepad and bottled water in her backpack and off they went.
Outside the library they sat on bench. "Tell me!" Julie urged.
"Not much to tell", Dana said and told her about the grainy picture, John's decision to divorce Claudia and his announcement to get this straightened out.
Julie looked at Dana. "So, what does that mean?", she finally said.
Dana hesitated. Her glance went to the familiar buildings on the campus, to students passing and chatting. She saw her Media professor coming out of the door, nodding at her in recognition. She nodded back and smiled by way of saying Hello. A fellow student, Sam, rode by on his bike and waved.
"I am not sure I want that", Dana finally said.
Julie waited for her to continue. "I don't want spotlight and being under scrutiny. I want to be me and not some actor's girlfriend." Dana felt her eyes tearing up. "I just want..." She looked at Julie. "I just want an ordinary life."
She knew Julie did not understand. Julie always tried to be in the spotlight. She was member of a group of actors who performed each season for a few days at the Arts Festival. Her hair was bright red, her skirts short and she was always surrounded by people how were way beyond Dana's league. Dana had always wondered whether they would have been friends if they had not coincidentally been placed in one room.
"But you like John?", was all she asked now.
"I like John", Dana agreed. "But I like the John I met in California." How could she make Julie understand that she liked the man but not his job? "Now that he is becoming famous there are so many strings attached. We are not able to just be ourselves. We will be watched. I will be compared. Private moments will be a thing of the past." She shook her head in despair. "I am not sure our love is strong enough. In the end, I am just some girl he met on the beach and he is a good-looking aspiring actor, who divorced his wife to enjoy an early mid-life crisis."
"Oh, come one!" Julie yelled. "Don't make yourself smaller that you are! You are funny, brilliant, smart and one of the cutest girls I know. John can consider himself lucky to have a woman like you. And to be honest, I pretty sure it is exactly what he wants. Else he would not keep calling and taking you places!"
Julie had grown really angry and Dana started to blush. Still, she was not sure Julie was right. She could not give him what he needed. He would want someone who was able to share the limelight, to smile and wave into cameras, to wear pretty dresses on red carpets, to hang on his arm and be his plus one.
Dana shook her head. "Not sure you are right, Julie." She looked at the watch and got up. "I have a class now", she excused herself. "I see you tonight."
******
She was not able to concentrate on anything Mr. Winter said. She was doodling on her college block, drew hearts and tears, J's and question marks.
"Hi, Dana", someone addressed her when she was finally packing her things. She braced herself, thinking that a fellow student might actually have recognized her in that grainy picture at a newsstand. She looked up. Sam was walking over.
"Hi, Sam. What's up!"
"I was wondering..." His voice trailed off. He cleared his throat. "Do you like coffee?"
"Coffee?" Dana asked totally confused. She had not expected that. Was he asking her out? They had been in graduation class for some time now. In fact, they had been in a few classes together over the last few terms. He was a shy chap. Smart, ambitious, liked to shine in class. Straight A's as far as Dana knew. He was also a famed member of the student swim team.
"Yeah", she said. " I live on coffee."
"Good", he seemed relieved. His hands were fidgeting with the strings of his backpack. "There is this new coffee bar down on Main Street. Have you been?"
"No. Is it worth going?"
"It is", Sam was grinning now. "Want to try it out?"
"Now?"
"My next class does not start until 4 p.m.", Sam said.
"OK." Why not, Dana thought. Still she had to ask: "Why?"
Now it was Sam's time to be confused. Then it dawned on him and he actually blushed. "Well, I meant to ask you for some time, but I was not sure you even know who I am."
When Dana just glared at him, he continued. "You always seemed - you know – in a different kind of circle... But when you actually greeted me today, I thought I'd give it a try."
They had stared walking down the hall towards the buildings exit door, so there was actually no need for Sam to look at Dana. He kept studying the floor as they walked on.
Dana was caught by surprise. Different circle? She did not even know she had a circle. Not for the first time she wondered how she came across. Aloof? Unapproachable? Unfriendly even? And when had she greeted him, she wondered. Did he refer to earlier today, when she and Julie had been sitting on the bench, nodding to her professor?
"No, I know you", was all she managed to say. The following silence was awkward. Dana tried to come up with something to say. "Can I get your notes from today's class", she finally asked. "I did not really pay attention."
"Yeah, I've noticed", Sam said. "Sure. You can copy them." And after a while. "All good with you?"
"Yeah, just some private stuff going on I have to figure out." Dana gave him a crooked smile.
"Private stuff... I see", Sam said. "Are you seeing anybody at the moment?"
To ask this question was the logical consequence. But Dana was not ready to answer it. "Wow, you sure come on strong!", she exclaimed instead.
Sam blushed again. "S.., sorry", he stuttered. "I, I , I did nor mean to be intriguing...It's only... Never mind."
Dana stopped, turned to face Sam and changed the topic. "So, where is this new coffee bar?"
It was a nice place. Massive sofas, cozy corners, chill-out music, delicious cake and great coffee. No magazines or newspapers – Thank God, Dana thought. That would have been the end of the start of a nice afternoon. As Sam went to get a second round, Dana contemplated her fellow student. Nevertheless his good looks – dark hair, not too short and not too long, fascinating light-brown eyes, a nice sportive body with broad shoulders and a slim waist that told of his extensive swimming experience – and his intelligence. He had grown up the only child of a farmer and a teacher, homeschooled and with a bunch of dogs as playfellows, he told her over Chai Latte and coffee with milk. The last year of High School he went to Gardiner High School in order to prepare him for a life away from home. Since two years he was at the University at Montana, dutifully returning home each school break to help out on the farm.
He is like coffee with milk, Dana thought. Honest, homemade, humble. You know exactly what you get. John is more like Espresso – intense, strong, exotic in a familiar way. But I am not sure I can stomach that.
Even thought they had had an awkward start, it was a nice afternoon. In no time at all, it was time to return to class. "Hey, that was nice", Dana said. "Let's do it again."
"Yes", Sam smiled. "That would be cool. Can I get your number?" They exchanged phone numbers, did not really know how to say their Goodbyes, hugged quickly and went on their ways.
******
"You had a date?" Julie was almost shocked when Dana told her about the afternoon with Sam. Dana did not know if date was the correct word for it, but –Yeah – maybe it was. "So, you are ditching John?" Julie inquired. Did she?, Dana wondered. She was not sure.
"I just had coffee with a fellow student", she said.
"No, we are having a friendly coffee", Julie pointed out. They were sitting in their favorite after-dinner-place to chill.
"Hey, one can not have enough friends. Isn't that what you always say?!"
Julie took a long, hard look at her. "I am not doing this message service thing between you and John again", she finally said. "If you want to back off – fine by me. But do not get me involved."
They sat in silence for a while. Then, they started talking about other stuff.