Drugs.
I ran to them, I ran with all my life for that feeling of being numb. Not being able to feel the fucking heart wrenching pain of losing your soulmate.
Drugs.
I wish I could say they fixed everything and now I'm not hurting, but that's a fucking lie.
They barely numb it, I still feel it all.
They just make it slightly easier to deal with so I don't off myself.
You're only nineteen Vincent, what do you know about love or soulmates?
I'm only nineteen and I know it all, I've felt what real love feels like at seventeen years old. I knew it when I met Grace Larsen.
When we were finally together, it was only close to five months before—you know.
Even though it was a short amount of time, it was no fucking measure to what happened and what I felt in that time.
We went through everything, together.
She saw past the trash I knew and thought I was, I'm glad I was stupid enough to give in to her.
She's the first person who made me feel like I wasn't better off dead, she made me feel like I was cared about and loved, loved so fucking hard.
She was incredible, and her heart was too big for her own good. I was probably the worst person to have a crush on at that time.
The time where I started going off the edge, but then I met her.
The little blonde, with gorgeous blue eyes, a magazine worthy smile with lips of an angel. She was always smiling and she was goofy, and so alive.
You couldn't not smile when you were around her.
Dominic knew exactly how I felt, he'd tease me when we first started dating and he'd hangout with us. He'd laugh at her antics and nudge me.
He could see how whipped I was.
"Free the nipple motherfuckers!" Grace yells as she flies on her feet towards the rocks edge, when finally— she takes a big leap off and jumps into the water.
Me and Dominic approach the edge of the rock and look down to see Grace submerged from the water, the moonlight shinning on her as she laughs and motions for us to come.
"Get in here!" She yells and laughs.
I turn my head to Dom after he nudges me, he held a smirk on his lips and looked down to Grace in the water.
"She's a keeper huh?" He asks, knowing damn well what the answer to that question would be.
"Fuck yeah man, I'm going to marry that crazy girl down there." A smile etches at my lips as I look down to my beautiful girl.
God I was crazy about her.
The love I had for her was insane, I was ready to drop racks on a ring and pop the question in my junior year of high school. I wanted everything with this girl, I just fucking knew she was the one.
I'll never be able to explain that feeling or how you just know, but I feel it for her. It didn't take me long to fall stupid fucking in love with Grace.
The first time I saw her, god, I just smiled and looked at her.
Like no one else was in the room, I could only focus on her. It was loud in there, lots of people and so many things going on, but I still was fixed on the sight of her.
Her.
All I can think about, is her.
— —
"You didn't go to school again I assume." Luke groans as he places his bag on his bed as he arrives.
So what I haven't gone to school in two weeks? I'm fucking fine with laying here and getting high.
I've seen her twice since all this bullshit happened and I really couldn't take seeing her again.
Her face, it just brings everything back up and my chest begins to ache.
Me and Luke talked things out and I was a bigger person than I was on the vacation, when we got back to our dorm I apologized to him and told him there was no hard feelings.
We couldn't hate eachother, I needed him.
He had good intent and he more or less did me a favour, even if we were friends and everything was amazing for the rest of the year— what happens when we graduate?
Do I stay in her life? Do we go separate ways?
I had no fucking idea how the hell that was going to work out. It was better her and I not really having a relationship, as much as it killed me, I made a promise to her grandpa and her when I left the hospital that night.
A promise that she will have a second shot and have a chance to get away from everything I brought her into, a chance to do better and be safer.
I broke it already but I can't let it continue, I'd be a horrible person to take her back like this when she's oblivious and I'm the reason she's like that.
I'd dream so many nights that she'd remember me, remember it all and I'd really have her back.
I wouldn't lose her again after that.
But I knew it was never a possibility. It haunted me for eight months and then I saw her face again, in my best friends room.
It was an overwhelming day. This year has been the hardest thing besides losing her, this was almost harder since I have her back but can't have her.
I can never forgive myself for what happened to her, if she wasn't involved she would be scar free and perfectly fine. Because of me she can't remember half of a year in her life and other smaller injuries.
It makes me feel like I'm worth fucking nothing with the fact I let it happen to her, I let her put herself in danger because she insisted. It's not like I never tried to fight it, fight her on the matter, but she was very persistent and hot headed.
I'd always agree.
I couldn't say no when I looked in those eyes.
"Whatever Luke, talk to me when you do more than Snapchat whores in college." I scoff in reply to his complaint.
"I'm just saying Vincent, don't you want to graduate this year and get this over with? You can go back to trying to heal without her." He says sympathetically, of course, since he's always so worried about me like he's my fucking father.
"Heal? When the fuck did I ever heal? I just did more drugs, so I guess I'm healing right now." I give an attitude filled grin as I lay across my bed. I had just woken up from a nap that probably lasted the whole day.
I guess I took the wrong pills.
Whoops.
"Don't even get me started on that bullshit Vince, you started that shit way to young and should cut it out. One day it'll kill you." He says angrily, I could tell he was genuinely upset though.
Typical Luke, always has to be big daddy.
Blah blah blah.
"No Luke, what'll kill me is not taking them and being able to think about the fact I'm never going to be happy or fall in love again. So suck my dick you fucking asshole." I shout rudely across the room to him.
None of these fucking people understand what it feels like.
To want to feel nothing.
At all.
I'm in such a fantastic state of mind, I had a wonderful birthday and a great sleep afterwards. Thank you all so much for the birthday wishes again♥️
I had a clear head to write today and I'm glad to get this chapter up for you guys, so let me know what you think, any predictions, thoughts, questions.
Be sure to comment and vote if you liked it! We only have a few chapters to go!
Next update should be Friday!
-Tia