Edited 05/30/21
Spring break rolled around quickly, and Meadow couldn't help but be relieved. Spring break meant she wouldn't have to worry about schoolwork for an entire week. It also meant she'd be able to sleep more. Hopefully. Who knew what went through Sam's head when he assigned patrols. She felt like her entire body was made of lead every day. The only thing keeping her going was the adrenaline that pumped through her body every time she patrolled and the gallons of coffee she drank every day.
She missed the days she only had to worry about school, work, and Jake. It was so much easier back then. She could stay in her room for hours on end. She could keep her emotions inside and choose when she wanted to talk and when she didn't. She could sleep throughout an entire night without waking up once. She could do so many things that she couldn't do now.
Now, she had to be outside for hours on end, she had to use her words to communicate with others, she had to let her emotions out, she had to stay up and couldn't sleep for more than three hours straight. Hell, she had to quit her job to keep up with her patrol schedule.
She was so out of her element, and yet it gave her a sense of satisfaction. She'd never had a goal in mind for her future. She was just going to pass school and stay on the reservation to take care of her dad until he died. But she had a plan now. A dream. A goal. And she was going to achieve it.
Meadow sighed as she watched Jake leave the house to hang out with Bella. She was left alone in the house with her dad, who she hadn't properly spoken to since she shifted. Unconsciously, she messed with her fingers and thought of a way to approach her dad. She bit the inside of her lip hard and yelped at the pain that spread throughout her mouth. She stood from her seat and walked into the living room. Her dad was watching TV when she entered, and he looked at her when he caught sight of her. Awkwardly, she sat down on the couch across from him and sat so that she was curled against the fabric. She cleared her throat and asked, "Can we talk?"
She winced as it came out hoarsely and unsurely and ducked her head. The TV turned off and enveloped the room in silence. She picked up her head and made eye contact with her dad. He was giving her all his attention, which was a first for her. It made her uncomfortable. She took a deep breath in before she started the conversation she had been putting off.
"I wanted to, um, talk about - well, I," she stumbled over her words and blushed in embarrassment. She didn't know how to start the conversation; she didn't know how to tell him how she felt.
"Take your time, Meadow," he encouraged her. She stopped talking and nodded her head.
"I wanted to talk about - I just feel like - I'm sorry," she said, chickening out. She lowered her head so that her hair shadowed her face. It was quiet until she heard a heavy sigh.
"I'm sorry, too, Meadow," Billy apologized. She looked up in surprise and stared at him with wide eyes. She couldn't believe he was apologizing. Her dad was a prideful man, like most fathers, so she'd never heard him apologize before. She gave him a confused look. He registered it and continued.
"I haven't been completely fair to you," he confessed. "After your mom died and your sisters left, I relied on you to make sure Jake was taken care of."
"Why?" she asked. "Why did you let me take that role on? I'm barely older than him."
"I was hit hard by your mother's death. And when your sisters left, I - I didn't know what to do with myself," he explained.
"We were all hit by mom's death," Meadow said. She was annoyed. All of them were affected by Sarah Black's death. And all of them dealt with it in their own way. Rachel and Rebecca fled town, Billy wallowed in his own pity, and Jake put on a continuous smile. And Meadow? She shut down even more and gained a fiercer sense to protect her family. That was why she couldn't completely hate her dad or leave him to live by himself.
"I know," Billy said. He made sure to keep eye contact with her so she would understand that he did, in fact, know.
"I saw the way you curled in on yourself every time someone asked how you were doing or what you were doing. I saw the way you frowned increasingly every day. I saw you become a shell of your former self and for that I am sorry," he said sincerely. "I wasn't the parent you or Jake needed. I put you in a role you weren't ready for."
"All you're doing is apologizing!" Meadow raised her voice. "You're telling me things I already know! I don't want just your apologies!"
She was shaking but she didn't know if it was from anger or if it was just her nerves.
'Just remember to listen and don't hold back.'
Paul's words rang through her head. She latched onto them and quickly tried to gain control over herself. When she was calm again, she said, "I'm sorry. It's just that I feel like all my life, I've had to put myself and my feelings second. Every action I did and every word I spoke was influenced by how they would affect you and Jake. 'How much time would this take away from Jake? Could I do this and still take care of them? What if I get in trouble and it reflects badly on dad? How much of my money will be left for Jake and dad if I get a new book?
All those questions and not one of them ever was about me or how it would affect me. I never considered if something would make me feel better if I did it or if something would make me feel better if I bought it. I got so used to everyone else putting me last that I started doing the same thing. You say you saw me wither away, but you never did anything about it. You watched me wilt and you didn't care. You didn't care!"
Tears flowed out of her closed eyes as she wrapped her arms around herself. She just wanted him to care about her. A squeaky wheel registered through her ears, and she felt a presence in front of her. Suddenly, two arms were holding her. She stiffened and opened her eyes. When she realized what her dad was doing, she threw her arms around him and held him tight.
"I never wanted us to end up like this," Billy said in a wavering voice. "I've never been a good parent like Sarah was. She was the one who understood what it was to be one. I should've been the one-"
"Stop," Meadow whispered. "Don't."
"I thought you could handle it," he said. "I thought you could take care of Jake until I got better. You and Jake have such a close bond and I thought it would be better for the both of you if you relied on each other. I should've known better."
Meadow pulled back from the hug. She saw tears linger in her dad's brown eyes and the sorrowful expression on his face. She'd only seen that kind of look when her mom died.
"It hasn't been all bad," she said, trying to make him feel better. "It was pretty fun hanging out with Jake."
"Don't try to make me feel better," Billy scolded her lightly.
"I'm not," she lied.
"My little Meadow," he said. He placed a hand on her head and pulled her so that he was holding her again. "I'm so proud of you. I haven't given you sunlight or water, yet you still found a way to bloom by yourself."
"What do you mean?" she asked quietly. "I haven't bloomed."
"On the contrary, you've matured into a fine young lady," Billy said with a smile.
"I've still got flaws," she protested.
He hummed and said, "Every rose has its thorn."
"I'm sorry," Meadow said. "For yelling at you before and for yelling at you today."
"I wouldn't have you any other way, my little Meadow. It's better you showed the world your colors."
His words rang through her head. She had to show the world her colors. It was time for her to let her goals be known. No more waiting around for things to naturally happen. She pulled away from her dad again and opened her mouth before she hesitated. An uneasy expression overtook her features as she second guessed her actions.
"You can tell me," her dad said. She wanted to. She really wanted to, but she couldn't help but remember the time Paul had said the same thing to her. Things between her and her dad wouldn't straighten out right away. She was sure their relationship would get better over time, but she couldn't confide in him yet.
"It's nothing," she said. "I'll tell you when I figure it out."
"Don't be afraid to talk to me about anything. I'll listen this time," he said with a loving smile. She'd keep it in mind.
---------------------------------
She steeled her nerves and waited anxiously for Paul to show up. She would have told Jake first, but the way he had acted the other day made her rethink her decision. Paul had made it known since she had given him a chance that he would listen to what she had to say. He was someone she could count on to take her feelings into consideration. She heard the leaves rustle behind her, alerting her to Paul's arrival.
"There's my flower," he said. He hugged her from behind and swayed her side to side. She giggled at his antics and hugged him back when he released her. He plopped himself on the sand and patted the spot beside him. She sat next to him and grabbed his hand in hers. Paul was surprised she was making the first move but refrained from saying anything.
"How are you?" he asked.
"I talked to my dad today," she told him.
"And?"
She smiled and said, "We made up."
"I'm proud of you babe," Paul said.
"Yeah. I don't think our relationship will suddenly get better, but I'm hopeful for the future. He gave me some good advice, too."
"What did he say?"
"He said it was better for me to show the world my colors."
"So, like to speak up more?" Paul guessed.
"Yeah, and there's one thing I wanted to speak up about. I wanted to tell you first, though," she said shyly.
"I'm that important, huh?" he asked jokingly.
"Why do you always do that?" Meadow asked abruptly.
"Do what?" he asked.
"You always crack a joke when I'm trying to be serious," she replied with a frown. He sighed and said, "I just want to make you more comfortable. You're always so tense when you talk to me and the only way you open up is if you feel safe enough to do it."
She felt giddy from his revelation. She had felt slightly annoyed every time he interrupted their serious conversations with something funny. She couldn't help but feel silly for overreacting.
"So thoughtful," she mused.
"Yeah, well, don't go telling the guys. You'll ruin my reputation," he grumbled.
"Your reputation is already ruined, you big softy," she laughed aloud. Paul let her settle down before he asked her to continue where she left off before.
"Just listen, okay," she pleaded.
"I always do."
"I want to challenge Sam for the Alpha position."
Paul blanked and remained quiet. Meadow's heart beat in her chest as she waited for his reaction. Well, for more of a reaction. She hadn't expected him to say nothing. He detached their fingers and stood up. She let out a small noise of surprise and leaned away from him. She mimicked his actions and watched his face morph from emotion to emotion.
"You want to challenge Sam for the Alpha position?" he asked. He sounded like he was in his own head and couldn't believe what he heard.
"Is that so bad?" she questioned smally.
"Why?" he demanded.
"I just - I think I can make a change. I think I can make shifters' lives better. It's already hard with the lifestyle change and Sam's way of running the pack doesn't make it any better." she confessed.
"You can't," Paul stated.
"W-what?"
"You can't," he repeated himself. "Sam's been doing good so far with what he's been given. He went into the position without any warning. What makes you think you could do better?" Paul ranted.
"Exactly!" she yelled. "He doesn't understand the position!"
"And you do?"
"I've seen enough to know what could work and what doesn't work."
"It's one thing to see and it's another thing to do!" he yelled.
"I can do it!" Meadow yelled back. "Sam was so ready to give Jake the position, but I'm not allowed to take it?!"
"That's different!"
"How?! I share the same DNA with Jake! The only difference is he's a boy and I'm a girl!" she pointed out.
"There's never been a female Alpha before! There's never even been a female shifter before!"
Both Paul and Meadow were shaking and baring their teeth at one another. Neither one of them was backing down. Paul turned and stalked away from her before he turned back around and walked up to her.
"I want to support you, Meadow, but I can't support this," he said.
"You can't or you won't? You're being a coward!" she yelled. "You're just scared of what Sam will say!"
"I'm scared of what he'll do to you if he finds out you're planning to take his rank!"
"He won't find out if you don't tell him," she said.
"What if it slips through my thoughts, huh?! You know I can't keep something this big a secret!"
"Why don't you tell me how you really feel?" Meadow asked in a nasty tone. "You told me Sam was the one to 'save' you from your home life. I know you, Paul. You think you owe him everything and then some. So, you'll hide behind him and report back anything suspicious. Yeah, why don't you be a good dog and roll over for him?"
Paul exploded and shifted in record time. He growled at her and took a step forward in warning. Meadow shifted, too, and growled back. They bared their teeth and waited for the other to make the first move. Paul moved first and pounced on her. They rolled into the forest and over the underbrush. Meadow ignored the sticks and the rocks that poked her and focused on throwing Paul off. She rolled away from him and stood in a defensive position.
"Meadow?"
She turned away from Paul and caught sight of her brother and Bella walking towards her. Distracted, she didn't notice that Paul was already on all fours. He charged her and rammed his head into her stomach. She yelped in pain and fell on her side. Paul stood over her and growled in her face.
"Meadow!" Jake shouted before he pulled Bella away and shifted.
What are you doing to her? Jake asked as soon as he shifted. He rushed forward to help, but Paul snarled at him.
If you can't beat me, what makes you think you can beat Sam? Paul asked furiously. You're going to get yourself killed!
I won't know unless I try! Meadow responded. With a grunt, Meadow flipped Paul off her. She panted and stood her ground. Dread filled her when she felt the familiar feeling of someone joining the pack link.
What is going on? Sam demanded to know.
A.N.
It's about. To go. Down.
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