Ancient smashing in with another review!
Don't look being the nose! I'm hideous!
Today I took the time to read With Seoul by TheKaiSong.
TLDR; A fanfiction slice of life turns into fantasy conspiracy.
Grammar and Word Usage: Not her first language - Normally I do not start with this, but I feel compelled to because this single fact ripples out through everything. The author lives in Asia and English is not her primary language, and that is evident in the writing. From a biased perspective I love how she tries. I can see the effort and I will happily give an A for effort. From an unbiased perspective, it is difficult and requires focus. You have to translate what is written inside your mind to understand what the author is attempting to say. Her grammar is not technically wrong that much, but there is a difference between someone who is poor at grammar despite it being their primary language and someone whose way of structuring words together mentally is based on a seperate language and set of rules while technically being correct.
World Building: Very Late - World Building covers many things. It covers politics, laws of nature, current events, technology, and any backstory needed for you to understand what is transpiring in the story. It covers any and all external forces onto the characters from outside of the immediate group. Being a fanfiction, this story involves a universe with pre-set rules and falls into one of the easy narrative sins of fanfiction: It doesn't explain anything. At first it didn't seem a big deal. Going to movies? Going to hospital? Cars? These things need no explanation. But as the story progresses things start to unfold that leave me feeling we aren't in Kansas anymore and I have to just accept what is happening without the information to know whether or not it is completely normal. But then at this point there is some world building that leaves me wondering if the MC saw the world the same we do, prompting no explanation necessary, and she has to learn of the new world the same time we do.
Characterization: Confusing - If World Building is the understanding of the external forces applying pressure to the characters, then characterization is the understanding of the internal forces between the characters, and like the world building, the author makes no explanation of the internal forces. You run into characters and the MC reacts to them in certain ways and I find myself having to just accept it because I don't know who they are, what role they play with each other, or anything about them. What little bit is explained about any character, including the MC, is done through a pure Tell rather than show method. And you are given very little. I don't even know if half the characters are male or female, young or old, siblings or lovers or just friends. When I can get past that, its a cute cast of characters, but I won't lie. It is hard to care about characters you don't understand past their name.
Plot: A slow boil - Between the fact that language is not her primary language, the lack of explanation for external or internal forces, and the purely Tell not show method of writing, then the plot is difficult to go through and massively held back. The plot takes time to bring to a good point where there is clarity and conflict, and I fear by the time it reaches that point most people will have stopped reading it. Even on reflection I can barely grasp what happened in the first half of the story. It is like starting off in a stoned, drugged state for the first half of the day and then your mind is clear the second half. And I can't put my finger on any particular reason or if it is the combination of the things I mentioned before. I do get the sense that the MC herself was not mentally in the best place for the longest time, so that is realistic to what I read and helps the plot come into itself, but as said, its a slow boil to reach that moment of clarity and conflict.
Overall I would rate this story a 2 out of 5.
I had a difficult time doing this review. I do not like refleting on a story and coming to a conclusion that it is below average or having nothing truly positive to say when I can see clear effort, and the author isn't a jerk who deserves it. The author has been a positive part of the the book club.
I have read stories that are genuinly BAD and leave me wondering just what in the living hell their fans are smoking. I have met authors who are jerks, self-entitled crybabies, toxic, draining, and reject every bit of feedback and effort for them to improve. Reviews are wasted on them. But the thing is... this is not a bad story. And the author doesn't strike me as a jerk. Its a good story, its problem is that it is very rough. Not even a rough diamond, but the coal that needs to be aged and pressed into a rough diamond before it can be shaved around the edges.
I feel obligated to be unbiased by the nature of a truly honest review, but at the same time wanting to be specific enough that the author can reflect on their story alongside me and come out better for it because even within my openly blunt manner and personality, I want the best for people.
So you know what? Let's smash together!
If you are interested in learning to write, mastering the craft, want some really good reads, or just to chat and hang out with a mature group of adults, feel free to hit me up for a smashing discord book club that has lasted years.