Losing Ruby
Copyright © 2020 Kelsa Dixon
All rights reserved
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[Chloe]
The weight of it all was too much. It was bearing down on me and I didn't know how much more I could stand to take before my knees gave out and I crumbled. Before one of the many concerned glances Luca kept firing at me, fractured my heart wide open. How many more times could Noah pull me back up before I was only a weak puppet left on a slack set of strings?
They were gone. For good. Forever.
"C? If you need a minute...." A warm set of words breezed past my ear as Luca leaned in too close. Soon he'd be able to hear my thoughts. I looked up to find Kendall beside him, worry pinched between her eyes—she was as loyal and devoted as he was with the matched concern pointed in my direction.
"I'm good." The words came out firm from deep in my chest, head held high. Just as Noah and I used to rehearse years ago.
I felt Kendall's watchful eye graze over the shoulders I pushed back; past the hair I pinned tightly behind my ear. I could hear her offer before the words came out. Do you want to get something to eat? Do you need some air? If you need someone to talk to.... I excused myself before she got the chance. "I need to use the bathroom." I slipped away before she could agree and find her way down the hall with me.
At the back of the house, I took a right at the stairs. There was no one back here. The voices and murmurs and condolences silenced in the quiet room. A sanctuary of sorts now. Or maybe a shrine. I couldn't decide if it was a place of peace or more pain, surrounded by all of the things that would never mean anything to anyone but me.
I sat perched on the edge of their bed and I stared at the framed photos that lined the wall between a set of windows that peered into the backyard. There were years of our lives on that wall. Years with Ruby in them. A set with mom, a different set with a different background that included our dad. A few with the seven of us. None with only the six of us. I wondered if there would ever be any with just the four of us.
I had to pull my gaze away before the thought ate me alive. I bit my lip to keep the cry buried inside. It continually attempted to surface and I held my breath to stifle it. Pushing to my feet, I lifted a hand to the dresser across the room. Jewelry strewn about in various cups and dishes. In a box that sang a soft melody when I opened it. It had been our mothers and had been gifted to her when she was six.
I remembered the story as if it were just this morning she'd told it to me. I had listened in awe at the thought of never remembering a mother that had adored you. She'd explained that the bits and pieces she did recall were cherished moments. Ones that made her feel instead of remember. She carried that faith in love even into the years of her adulthood. I couldn't fathom that kind of strength.
She wasn't here now to remind me that sometimes the feelings were easier to carry than the memories.
My breath caught in my throat and a twin set of tears sprung free. I didn't bother to brush them away—I was alone.
The pads of my fingers brushed a pair of gold hoops laid out on the wooden top. They'd been the ones she'd worn everyday. Finding my reflection in the mirror in front of me, I pulled the studs from my own ears, replacing them with the simple loops of gold. When I was done, I guided my own chin up with the back of my hand. The light from the window on the wall next to me glinted off the metal. They were mine now.
I stared back at the face in the mirror and as I allowed the water welling along my lashes to blur my vision, I pleaded to catch a glimpse of the one person everyone else saw when they looked at me. Maybe one small glimpse would remind me of what she would do if it were her in my shoes. Where would Ruby find the strength? What would she say to Noah and Luca and Brody to make this all okay?
But it didn't work. I saw nothing, but the pathetically pale face I knew as my own. I blinked and released the tears. If only they could free the pain, too.
I turned away as small dark currents began to race their way down my cheeks. I let them continue their trek, disrupting their path wouldn't stop the leak.
I didn't look at anything else in the room as I slowly shuffled into their bathroom. I stood in front of the vanity, my arms hanging limp at my sides, the strings growing weaker as I felt my knees start to sink, my thighs wobbly. I picked up his cologne first, and my hand hit the marble as my legs nearly gave out. I'd missed it. In only five days I'd nearly forgotten the cedar and tobacco smell of his jackets. How it lingered on the sweatshirts I'd steal when Noah gave me shit for taking his.
How could I have already forgotten?
I capped the bottle and placed it back exactly as I'd found it. Pulling open the far left drawer, the contents rattled inside. I slipped to the back of my mind, reeling in my emotions. I blocked out the hoards of people just steps away, in the other part of the house. I was eight again, and Ruby had told on me for using her makeup without asking. So mom let me play with hers.
The tears dried up as I cleared the dark smudge beneath my eyes, dusting the line of my lashes with color to soften how swollen they'd become. I brushed color onto my cheeks to hide how sick I felt at all of this. I reapplied lipstick I'd long since bitten away as I held myself together.
I looked nearly the picture of the strength I didn't carry the way my father had once claimed. But I'd continue to try.
Their closet caught my eye on the way out. It was cracked and it called to me before I could convince myself it wasn't a good idea. They were there; among the clothes that told me who they'd been. The soft, neutral colors that had been our mom. With sharp lines and impeccable detail. Styled and understated.
The sweaters that hung on our dad's side. Right next to the clean, pressed button ups he wore to work. I tugged on a sleeve of a cardigan I used to tease him mercilessly for. He was built tall, his shoulders broad. He still spent hours in the gym on the days he could afford to do so. And yet he was the first to chill in a restaurant; at the first sign of an autumn breeze. The corner of my mouth turned up at the memories; at the irony of a man his size being the first to complain about a draft. The way Noah ragged on him. The way Luca laughed. How Brody—before the accident—relentlessly teased Ruby and dad when he was also reminding them that it had only just dropped below seventy-eight.
I eased the material from the hanger and sunk to the floor, using it to cover my face. This time the choking sobs weren't going down as quickly as they came up. The sound was howling to my own ears.
An arm fell around my shoulders as he sank to the floor next to me. "You held on for a long time, C," Noah said, softly.
"They can't be gone. Not for forever."
"They are."
I lurched forward as my stomach twisted, threatening to come up. "I need them here."
He pulled my hair over my shoulder. "You don't need anyone, Chloe. Remember what I taught you."
"It's too much this time."
He went still next to me. He said nothing.
I wailed into the sweater, pressing my face into my cloth covered palms.
"You're stronger than this, Chloe," he said with near disappointment. "You are not fragile."
You only break, if you allow yourself to be broken. I sat up and although the cries quieted, the salty streams of tears did not, and they ran freely down my face. My head hit the wall and listlessly rolled toward him. "I don't want to be strong."
His mouth set in a firm line, his eyes hardened. "You don't have a choice."
Because life still goes on and you are still here. I knew the words he didn't say.
He held my stare, and I silently pleaded for him to tell me this was all a very bad dream—a nightmare; a night terror. And I would wake up to him shouting at me to open my eyes. That I would rush downstairs to find mom and dad downstairs waiting for us at the breakfast table. My lips quivered; his did not.
There was no other option. They were gone, and I would have to move on. My strings snapped as I sank towards him. My head hit his chest with a sob. His arm curled around me and he sat with me silently. Just like he always had.
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• losing ruby •
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