Junior year was different.
Lakyn and I didn't do any of the pre-school activities, Kaitlynn went to a few, but Matt and Juliet usually chose to hang out with us. We wasted the last of our summer in pools and laying around the James house watching horror movies.
Matt hated them, and after throwing one too many fits we somehow found something he hated even more: mini golf. Well, a version of it that Lakyn, Juliet, and myself came up with anyway.
The problem was that Matt and Kaitlynn took the game way too seriously, they knew rules that could have only been in a manual somewhere, and really it was just mini golf. Any sport that had the word 'mini' in the title wasn't meant to be taken seriously.
It was Juliet who started it, ironically enough. By deciding that she could redirect Lakyn's shot by just ... kicking it out of the way.
Unsurprisingly, that started an all out war.
It ended with a bruise on Juliet's hip the size of a basketball, and Lakyn's knuckles bleeding, and me laughing so hard I thought I might actually piss my pants.
We lost Matt and Kaitlynn somewhere. They were busy pretending not to know us. But personally, I thought it was a great way to end the summer.
***
"Did you know I had a baby?"
We all looked up at Juliet as she angrily plopped herself onto the ground. Her tray nearly fell over, but Lakyn grabbed it just in time. She either didn't notice, or didn't care, because she picked up a fish stick and threw it at the wall anyway.
"But..." Kaitlynn said slowly. "You're a lesbian."
Juliet threw her hands up angrily, and Lakyn snorted. "Shit, first day of school and the rumor mill is already working."
"Ooohhh," Kaitlynn said, realization drawing. "They're trying to decide why you were missing for so long."
"I fucking guess," Juliet muttered bitterly.
"It'll pass," Matt said. "Don't worry about it."
"It'll pass?" Juliet repeated. She looked around at our little group of friends, then towards the tree that Matt and I used to sit under. It was still full of people, and those people still technically liked me, but I didn't have the energy to put up with them these days.
Lakyn said it was because I was tired of pretenses. That I was becoming a more authentic person, and authentic people tend to be allergic to bullshit.
"Maybe it won't, so what, why do you care what these people think?" I asked.
She didn't answer right away, but Lakyn was watching her with interest while he ate. Finally, she said, "I don't."
"Cool," Matt said. "When people ask, can it be my baby?"
We all cracked up laughing and Juliet said. "Okay, okay, what else are people talking about other than me?"
"Not me, for once," I said. "I think I'm finally old news."
"Me either," Lakyn said. "Which is a nice change of pace."
Juliet sighed deeply. "You two are supposed to be the screw ups. Get to work. Do something dramatic."
We didn't, we liked not being the talk of the school, but unfortunately the rumors about Juliet continued to spin. In response to the pregnancy rumor was abortion, which somehow spun into the idea that Juliet had run off to become a porn star, but had quit when she'd gotten pregnant, and she'd had to sell the baby in order to move back home. At some point someone mentioned that she was a lesbian, which created a whole debate about if Juliet was actually gay, or if she just liked to play around.
It was awful, and people were horrible to her.
"Why doesn't she just switch schools?" Kaitlynn asked Lakyn one day in a low voice. "Public school would probably be better than this."
Lakyn lifted a shoulder. "She says she doesn't want them to win."
Kaitlynn let out a breath. "Damn. She's stronger than me. I would have given up by now."
I had to admit, I agreed.
***
The second I walked through Matt's front door I was met with an "¡Ay, Dios mío!" and Ms. Alverez suddenly stood over me, fretting with my hair, my face, my ears. I laughed and wiggled out of her grasp until she was holding me at arms length. "It's been so long, mijo, I thought you'd starved to death."
Matt snorted next to me and I grinned. "Actually, I am hungry-"
Ms. Alverez huffed and pushed me off towards the kitchen while she had a quick talk with Matt in spanish. I didn't bother sticking around, but followed the scent of enchiladas and my growling stomach instead.
Unsurprisingly, there were a lot of people at Matt's house. I recognized some of them, like his cousin Elena, but not many of the others. Still, Ms. Alverez had raised me with manners, so I said a quick "Buenas tardes!" before helping myself to a plate.
When Matt joined me we squeezed our way into the table and Elena leaned close with a wicked grin on her face. "So, what have you boys been up to?"
I leaned her way, like I had a juicy secret to tell, and said, "Nothing I can say here."
Elena rolled her eyes. "Don't worry about them, they can't speak english."
"My mother can," Matt replied, and winced when Ms. Alverez smacked him upside the head. "Ay, mamá, I was on your side."
Ms. Alverez didn't say anything, but she sat next to him, and I let myself settle into the feeling of family. Things at my own house were still weird. I was beginning to have the sinking feeling that my dad wasn't only not talking to me, but my mother either.
Matt was the only person I knew with separated parents. He never talked about it, and I had a feeling it was because he didn't feel like he was missing anything. Ms. Alverez was a force - mother, father, and holy spirit all in one.
I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn't even realize dinner was over, until I noticed Matt was hanging by the doorway, waiting for me. Ms. Alverz and I were the only ones left at the table, and she was giving me a look. Not a Momster look, but something like how Mr. James looked at me.
"Go ahead," I told Matt. "I'll help clean up. Keep Elena occupied with some raunchy story."
Ms. Alverez's eyes narrowed, but she didn't say anything, and she didn't move. I grabbed my plate to get up, but Ms. Alverez's hand dropped on my wrist. "Que tienes, mijo?"
I started crying. I couldn't help it. I had practically lived in Matt's house since I was a child. I had cleaned the baseboards and made tamales and I didn't speak a word of spanish, but I knew how to pray the rosary. I couldn't keep a secret from Ms. Alverez any better than Matt could.
But the one that I had was heavy. I didn't know if she could take it the way Mr. James could. I didn't know if her Catholicism would let her. I didn't know if she would ask me to leave, to never come back, to never mention the boy who lit up my whole world.
My parents were teetering on a line, Lakyn's had kicked him to the curb long ago, and I felt silly sitting there thinking it was her Mexican blood that would reject me quicker when I knew that it wasn't a race thing. It was a homophobia thing. It was ignorance and fear and hate. And I had never once known Ms. Alverez to stand down in the face of something she didn't understand.
I dropped the plate. "I'm gay," I said. The words came out on a choked sob, and I fell apart in ways that I hadn't before. Not when I told the whole fucking school, not when I told Matt, not when I told my teammates, not when my parents kicked Lakyn out of my room. I'd never said it like that. I'd never had the chance to admit it. I'd never felt it.
"Oh, Scott," she said softly, and I felt her arms go around me before she pulled me close to her. She was warm, and soft, but her hold on me was firm. She rubbed my back and let me cry, the same way Mr. James had the night I left my parents house, but this cry was different. This was something I had been unknowingly holding in since I'd started coming out. This was the death of the Scott White who was a lie. All the pain, hurt, fear, and trauma.
All the nights I had spent running away from something that was so true and undeniable, became something solid and tender in the arms of Ms. Alverez. She didn't have to say anything, or put anything into words, I knew she still loved me. I knew she wouldn't kick me out of her home. And I was so relieved to finally have that acceptance from someone who had known me since I was a child.
I didn't need it, but it was something that I desperately wanted.
The acceptance of a mother.
***
"I came out to your mom," I told Matt, sitting on the bed of his pickup somewhere in the middle of nowhere with a six pack between us. We didn't drink like we used to, but the occasional night out wasn't unheard of.
"Mmhmm," Matt said.
"She took it well."
He took a long drink and dangled his arm over the edge of the truck, looking up at the sky. "I think she kind of always knew. Or, ya know, had a feeling. Looking back, it's like, she was raising me to be ready for it."
I snorted. "Sounds about right."
"That's not what you wanted to come out here for though," Matt said. "You could have told me that without the beer."
I hummed and rolled the bottle between my hands, trying to gather up the courage for what I really needed my best friend for. Finally, I asked, "Do you remember when your parents split up?"
"I was six," Matt said. He was quiet long enough that he finished his drink and opened another one. Then he took a deep breath and let it out in a spanish swear. Matt rarely cursed in english, so I knew it was serious.
"My dad's a twin, and my uncle's gay. When he came out he told my dad first, expecting support, ya know? Instead, my dad told my Abuelo and, well, my uncle got kicked out. My dad did some really shitty stuff, to himself and his brother and my mom, he's still not okay. Not really. But if I go visit he'll at least be sober enough to look me in the eye."
"Fuck," I said, then repeated, "fuck!" and leaned over to snatch the bottle out of Matt's hands.
He laughed at me. "Little too late for that, don't ya think?"
"Alcoholism runs in families, ya dick! No wonder your mom got all up my ass about dragging you to hell with me!"
Matt laughed again and snatched his bottle back. "Shove off. We're talking about you, not me, I'm fine. Why are you asking about this shit, anyway?"
I sighed and took another drink. "I don't think my parents are going to make it. And I feel like I should be torn up about it, but, really? I think they're both better off alone. They got married so fucking young."
"You say that like you wouldn't marry Lakyn tomorrow if he asked."
I lifted a shoulder. "That's different. I love him."
"You don't think your parents love each other any more?" Matt asked.
"I'm not sure they ever have," I said, and I let the night fall around us like a heavy blanket full of things both of us were too damn young to have to deal with, until I asked, "What happened to your uncle?"
"He's in California somewhere," Matt said. "I think my mom writes him letters sometimes. I'm not sure if he replies."
"I hope he's happy," I said.
"Me too," Matt replied.
"Is that why your friends with me?" I asked. It was an alcohol fueled question. "To make up for what your father did?"
"Nah," Matt said, around another drink. "I'm friends with you because you're pretty to look at."
"Oh, fuck you," I said, and Matt laughed so hard he nearly fell off the truck.