Amal
"I don't want to talk about it," I said, pouring some tea into the cup.
"You haven't been the same since the engagement..." Imad said.
"Stop it. Stop this inquisition." I said and put the teapot on the counter and looked up to Imad to meet his curious, worried eyes.
"Listen Imad if I wanted to talk about it, I would," I said almost in tears, but I held them back, because I knew it would be give Imad a cause for concern.
"Is it Naveed?" He asked. I looked at him again.
"Imad!" I yelled his name.
"Okay okay. I am sorry." He said and took a step back.
"What's going on here?" Both of us avert our attention to the door to see my dad standing.
"Nothing," Imad immediately replied.
"Amal follow me." He instructed and walked away. I left the kitchen and followed my father, walked behind him towards the garden. He walked into the dome-shaped garden pavilion. He sat down on the sofa and I sat next to him. My father likes to spend his time in the pavilion, actually loves it. He enjoys the peace and quiet. Most of his books are stacked on each other on the coffee table, and the other half are in his office waiting to be read. He put his cane beside him and turned to look at me.
"Are you okay?" He asked, three simple words, placed together to instantly put me in tears. I wiped away my tears whenever they would fall. He placed his arm on my shoulder and pulled me close to him, hugged me and consoled me. I didn't even know why I was crying, I just was. Or maybe I knew exactly why but I didn't want to allow myself to believe it, because I simply didn't want it to be true. Not a word I could say to convince myself to stop crying. Nothing came to mind. "It's going to be okay," He said.
"What would Layla do." He wondered aloud. "She would probably give a good speech about life, and God's plan." I stopped sobbing and rested in his arms, it felt safe and familiar. I felt like nothing could harm me when I am with my father. "I remember a long time ago, when your mother and I traveled to Dubai. My sister, your Aunty Sarah had come to visit, at the time we were not in good terms. Your mother saw how displaced I was when she was there, she tried to console me once my sister left and I snapped at her. Said words that were so harsh and bitter, I regret them to this day. She forgave me later nonetheless, loved me unconditionally..."
"Dad, why are you telling me this story?" I asked.
"So you can learn from my mistake. To not push away those who care for you and want only good for you, to not push away a good thing even when you are scared of it," He spoke in a modulating tone.
"I can't force something that isn't there," I uttered unexpectedly in a low tone, my heart discreetly confessing its deepest desire. My words then resonated in my mind, finally a reason slowly started to formulate and slowly I understand my tears.
"You are right Amal, you can't. But when you want something to exist you pray for it and work for it. You do everything in your power to attain and retain it - if you want it," He said and kissed my forehead. "But it's not easy because somethings we want aren't meant for us, but you'll never know if you don't try."
"I missed you, dad," I said and sat upright, breaking from his embrace.
"I missed you too." He replied.
Me: Hi
I am sorry for acting the way I did before you left.
1 hour later
Naveed: Hey. Apology accepted
Me: I shouldn't have brought it up and forced you to answer my question...
Naveed: No you shouldn't have insisted on my response. But I understand why you needed to know.
Me: You do?
Naveed: Yes I do, because you thought I still had feelings for you.
Me: Yes, something like that.
My phone started ringing, his name popped on my screen. I picked up his call and didn't speak immediately, I listened to his breathing first. It was awkward, the silence. I didn't know what to say. "Assalam alaykum," He greeted.
"Waalikum salam," I replied. "I am sorry again."
"Amal I am not mad at you," He said. I sighed in relief. "I am glad you brought it up."
"Why?" I asked.
"Because for a while in a very long time, I experienced butterflies in my stomach as you would phrase it. I had forgotten the feeling, I was taken aback with your question." He explained, smiling, I could sense his smile even though I couldn't see him. I just knew.
"If I was ten years old I would have phrased it like that. Now I would phrase it as nervousness, anxious..."
"Fine Mal, you made your point," He cut me off and spoke. "I have to go now but it was nice hearing from you."
"Yes the same for me. Later Naveed," I said and hang up. We are back to normal, it seemed and it felt nice. But how do I tell him the truth... The truth that I have been ignoring. The good thing I have been afraid to confront.
After the engagement ceremony, after he said what he said, I felt something, like something heavy was placed on my chest. A truth I thought I was ready for. I didn't expect him to say yes, but hearing him say no, hurt. I didn't understand it at the time, nor did I want to. But now searching deep inside, my feelings are clear, then again, so are his.
Naveed
"We have shared custody. You can't take her away from me!" I yelled, anger coursing through me.
"Calm down Naveed. I am not taking her away from you..." She tried to speak, tried to reason with me. I just couldn't have it.
"What do you call moving to another country miles away from me? I am not going to give up on her, she is my daughter and I love her." I said.
"I know you love her, but my husband got a job offer he simply cannot ignore. I am compromising as well, moving to another country is scary for me as well. But that is what you do for people you love. You compromise. Naveed, you are a good doctor, I am sure you can get a job anywhere and Sweden is a wonderful place. I know Amal is here and you probably..."
"This has nothing to do with Amal, don't bring her into this." I cut her off and spoke clearly. "This is about my daughter."
"Not about Amal? It has always been about her!" Her tone now higher than mine. "You told me when we first got together that you had feelings for her and you always will, and that I had to accept that if I were to ever be with you. Now that she's actually here, and you have a chance to pursue her you are telling me that you aren't planning to do so. You must take me for a fool."
"I told you that I will always care for her, that was it. You bringing her into this is not fair. This is about our daughter and the fact that you want to take her away from me."
"I am sorry. It's not easy for me, I want Manayer to have her dad in her life. Believe me, I do, but I also want her to have me in her life. I can't see any other way," Mariam spoke with vigor in her tone. I knew deep inside, she meant well. I... I just can't lose my daughter.
"No, you just can't see it my way. We can settle this in court, because we had an agreement. You are literally breaking the first agreement we had. I would never put you in such a position. Tell me this, would you even consider this if I came to you with the same proposal..."
"Don't do that. This is different. I finally want to move on and you are trying to hold me back," She snapped, finally speaking her truth.
"Move on Mariam. I didn't stand in your way when you remarried. But you don't get to take away my daughter from me just because of him." I tried to explain to her.
"I guess I will see you in court." She said and stood up from her seat. "One more thing."
"Yeah?"
"Why haven't you already moved on? When the woman of your dreams is just within reach," She asked and waited for my response, that took me a moment to cumulate.
"Dreams aren't a reality," I finally responded.
"Only when you don't chase them," She replied and left. Mariam is tolerant, she has always tried to understand me, even when I am being impossible. I wish it was easy, but it's not. I don't want to give up on my daughter.