Monday, 31st of December 2018
I hope you find your way, I'm sorry we couldn't make it. Still I'll miss you anyway, I just grew and couldn't break it. How I wish perfect was enough for my own heart, sometimes I swear it was enough for my own heart. I guess I'll wait another lifetime. ~Nao, another lifetime
Ahhh New Years Eve, the year had finally come to an end,Natalia and I were celebrating the New Years together at Laangstrand, Swakopmund. As for Rafael, he recovered successfully just in time before the festivities began. He tagged along with us to the coast with his boyfriend Ajax, they were cute together. Ajax was perfect for Rafael because he took care of him throughout each and every step of the way in his recovery when they met at the hospital. Ajax was a student at the Namibian medical school and was now an intern at the Katutura State Hospital, so it was love at first sight when he first saw Rafael. I still bug Rafael now and then to come out to his parents about his bisexuality but he's still not ready, maybe if Ajax is the one then he'll definitely have him as a support backup. Blake couldn't join us because he went on a baecation with his girlfriend to Cape Town with money, I do not know where he received it from.
Either way he didn't spoil our holiday at the coast by missing out on us, I enjoyed it together with the gang. Standing on the dunes watching the mystical orange sunset drift away behind the ocean was magical, you could taste the smell of sausages and beef in the air from the braai stand nearby with Amapiano hitting that sweet spot from the JBL speakers. Eventually we gathered around the fire drinking, dancing and eating most especially, you name it. It was all fun and games counting down to midnight until the Sun had escaped our midsts as the stars took over the skies shining down on us. It was getting cold and it was time to find that special someone to snuggle up to and of course Natalia joined me on my camping chair seating on my laps as we snuggled together underneath the light of the stars. The sky was clear providing a full moon view right above the ocean, Natalia rested her head on my shoulder while we witnessed the view and said to me "You know If I'd left the coffee shop even earlier that day, this moment right now would be in my dreams. I never thought I'd date a 19 year old child like you." Natalia said as she giggled extending her arm around my neck. I laughed out loud from what I just heard, "Woow... hmm... I think you're with the wrong person 'cuz judging from the way you act I wouldn't believe you're 20. You call me baby whenever you want money, like really do babies own money?". She slapped my cheek lightly as we started laughing at the shade we were threw at each other. "Thank you Babe for treating me so well, let's take this new year as an opportunity to be the best we could ever be."
I kissed her forehead and hugged her tighter "Like Usher said I wouldn't trade this moment for anything not even a minute." She giggled "Yeah Usher said it not you." We both laughed together for a while and I said "You do know you're wrapped around my arms right?". She sounded puzzled "Yes around your thin toothpicks, in fact you gotta help me remove some pieces of meat stuck in between my teeth." I chuckled a bit and said "Oh you mean these toothpicks?" I started tickling her as she burst into laughter and began begging me to stop, unfortunately I didn't and she began trying to break loose, but that didn't work since my toothpick arms were too strong to be snapped into half. "Okay! Okay! Okaaayyyy! I'm sorry!", I paused and asked her "What are you sorry for?" She was catching her breath and said "I'm... I'm sorry... for offending you big cry baby... now let me go.". "Hmm, I'll let you go once time stands still but from now till then you'll still be in my arms, everyday, every hour,every minute,every second excluding the times you use the toilet 'cuz ion wanna die just yet lol. But until then you'll be my girl."
She scoffed at me yelling "I'm gonna kill you Julien!", I looked at her unthreatened "There's nothing but sand around us, what you gonna do?" She said "Imma build a sand castle and throw you in the dungeons while we celebrate New Years in thirty minutes.". I hummed "Hmmm, says the so called adult.", "Yo Julien!" Ajax called out my name. "We running out of volume to keep us lit for the rest of the night, we gotta go refill ASAP!". "Babe can I come with you? There's something I've been wanting to discuss with you." Natalia asked as she got off of me, "Let's talk about it once I come back, the countdown is approaching." I said as I stood up walking away with Ajax towards the car, she said out loud "But Julien it's really important.", I ran back to her and replied "Babe I promise you we'll sit down and talk about it once I return, time doesn't wait for anyone in this case." I kissed her lips and hugged her goodbye.
Ajax was a great guy, I enjoyed spending my time with him, we always spoke about ideas and the future because that's what was important to us. He expressed to me about how his teenage life was misunderstood by his family and friends the moment he came out of the closet as gay. Nobody was there to support him rather he received insults and disrespect from the ones he loved the most, his parents had a fallout because his father could not accept the fact about his sexuality which resulted into conflict with Ajax's mother who developed a better understanding of Ajax. Eventually after two years of toxic within the family, Ajax had turned 15, his father disowned him and ran away, leaving just Ajax and his mother to fend for themselves. Ajax was loved even more by his mother because she believed that everyone should live their life at their own will without judgment regardless in what they believed in or not, same applied to the belief of heterosexuality and homosexuality. Hence forth, Ajax became his own man embracing his beliefs to his advantage and turned the negative energy into fuel, fuelling up his drive to achieve his dreams, proving his haters wrong. That dream was to become a doctor saving people's lives and being a motivational speaker to be the voice of those who couldn't speak out.
That's one thing that Ajax and I had in common. A mutual goal that we intended on striving for even with the fact that my father died by the weapon of a murderer and his father abandoned him for revealing who he truly was. We both accepted that life in general wasn't fair, we had to suck it up and move on, something we both knew was that, taking things personally would be the death of us in this world because it was not all about the survival of the fittest. It was all about the survival of your mentality by adapting to how the world works and accepting change. We would go on and on all day having fun never having any dull moment, like we were brothers. I've always wanted a brother and that's what I felt every time I was with him, I developed a love for him because he was genuine, we could understand each other's pain and help each other at our lowest. We were proud of each other at that moment as we finished restocking our liquor and headed back home. The beaches were stretched with cars and tents packed with people same applied to the dunes filled with 4x4s only having the road divide the beaches and the dunes apart. Unfortunately traffic delayed us for the countdown so we moved along traffic with the fireworks lighting up the sky above us,It was a memorable experience seeing the fireworks from both the beaches and the dunes simultaneously. I wouldn't ask for a more beautiful New Year celebration in Namibia, my home.
1st January 2019
We arrived at our spot on the dunes welcomed by cold winds. "Yo bro we let's take it back to the beach cuz I ain't gonna freeze to death." Ajax said once we exited the car "Yeah let's bounce I'll help organise the stuff while Natalia can pack up the food.". "Man your girl is crazy strong, she left in tears a few minutes once you guys left, I tried to comfort her but she told me she had to leave and never come back. I tried stopping her but she attacked me and put me down to the ground and ran down behind the dunes into the darkness. You owe me man, this outfit way too expensive to be rubbed in the dirt." Rafael said in agony holding the side of his ribs. I received a notification from my phone, I pulled it out to see a voice note on WhatsApp messenger. It was from Natalia, I walked up to the edge of the dune and played it "Hi Julien *sniffles*, I'm so sorry I can't be with you anymore, I just can't bare the truth about your past and I feel like it's best we stay apart from each other. I'll always love you Julien and I'll never forget you, goodbye.". Her profile picture disappeared as soon as I finished listening to her voice note, I tried calling her then I realised she blocked me. The cold wind whistled into my ears as I stood there facing the darkness of the namib desert, it was empty and cold. That was my heart right there, dark and empty full of heavy cold sand dragging me down from how high I was being in love with Natalia. I was shattered into little pieces like broken glass scattered all over the floor, it was time to endure my eternal consequence of love and that's when your lover leaves you. "She's gone." I muttered, Ajax walked over to me hugging me from the side "Any sign of her?", I gave him my phone to play the voice note and walked away to pack our equipment and food.
"What did I do? What have I done? Why me?! Was it because I couldn't talk to her at that specific moment? Argh!!!" I was fuming as I packed up the equipment, I didn't know how to express my feelings because I wasn't expecting this, especially not from her. We finally finished and sat in the car about to leave,it was silent "Why does life have to be like this? Guys is there anything I've done wrong but be a good boyfriend?!" I yelled out. Ajax then sighed as he spoke "Bro, Julien. As much as it may hurt, I'm sorry and I hate to tell you this but you just have to move on and focus on 2019 bro. Okay?". I looked at him with tears escaping my eyes, I cried. I cried like a baby at birth into his arms as both Ajax and Rafael comforted me. The night had become bittersweet, 2019 began on a rough start but nonetheless we kept moving on. Even though he told me to move on, I tried calling her on other people's phones who she knew I was friends or related to but they were all blocked. It was like she changed her identity and became a ghost. Nonetheless it was time to start walking on a long lonely journey.
12 April 2019
11:30 a.m.
*Ring Ring*, I was woken up by Rafael, "Why was he calling so early?Argh fine." I picked up the call "Happy Birthday bro!!!, I know you're a sad sac but I'd like you to come out of that prison cell." Rafael said over the phone. "What is it now man? Can't you see I'm waiting to die?" I replied in a deep tone. "Bitch! There's a lunch special at Mareua mall Spur and I ain't letting you miss out on a meal of a 500 gram steak with potato chips and a Greek salad for a 100 dollars, I mean how they gone make profit from this but whatever, get up already!" I replied annoyed "If I come through will you stop talking?", "Yeah man, I'll be there in an hour." He replied "See you there." I cut the call and fought myself out of bed. I walked to the bathroom passing the balcony of the great view from my apartment, I never got bored of it, sometimes I'd wonder if staying at Independence 77 apartments for life would be worth it. Nonetheless, I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself "Today is a new day, I'm 20 and I refuse to be unhappy. Keep staying handsome and meet new people, you got this man. I love you so much,I mean ain't nobody got nothing on this.". I got ready and drove to Mareua through the busy traffic on Independence Avenue, as I arrived at the parking lot I saw Spur was empty, "That's weird today's Friday but I don't see anyone in there." I call Rafael and he pounced out of the bushes behind me "Surprise!!!" he yelled, "Ahhhhh! What the hell is wrong with you!?" I screamed in terror, I really hated surprises and he knew it "It's your 20th birthday, even though it ain't your 21st but fuck it, you need this more than anybody, I arrived here 10 minutes ago with Ajax and apparently there is an emergency because the kitchen pipe burst. Ajax is inside trying to help fix the pipe burst while the plumbers are on their way." We walked over to the entrance, and I knew it would be a disaster,I rolled my eyes and said "You see this day keeps getting worse and wo-".
*SURPRISE!!!* I was expecting to encounter a flood of water not a tsunami of people, it was packed! I could not believe it, I was speechless. It was something I've never expected to happen because I didn't even like people but there they were, chanting my name "Julien! Julien! Julien!". I felt like I was made of ice cream because the chills in my skin plummeted my body temperature, leading my heart to beat as fast as a land cruiser V8, it was like everyone was fighting to have a chunk of me, damn my mood elevated on the spot. Hell yeah, I was in the mood for this party, "I booked out the venue man, it's ours for the night bro! Party party party everyone ye ye!". Even though Rafael was a dumbass, I sure did love that dumbass. Ajax and Blake were party animals, nothing new from what I've seen though, I didn't like being the centre of attention so I just laid low enjoying the crazy vibes of the night. I sat down catching my breath from all the dancing I did sipping on some punch, until Ajax came to me followed by two friends. "Ladies I'd like to introduce you to our life of the party, Mr. Julien! Julien this is my friend Ivy as well as her chommie Rosalià." Ajax said happily. "Hi ladies nice to meet you all, are you enjoying the party?" I stretched out my hand giving them handshakes. "Ooohh Ivy, he's such a gentleman, look at the way he's holding my hand." Rosalià said as I held her hand while she blushed "Oh c'mon Rosalià, you're liquor consumption has come to an end for the night." Ivy replied giggling at her.
"Have a seat ladies and join me, make yourself comfortable." I gestured towards the seats, rather they sat in between me,Ivy on my right and Rosalià on my left, we spoke enlightening the atmosphere around us by every sip we took of our punch's. It was fun and all because we all reached a level of comfortability laughing at the crazy stories I received from both of them. Ivy now had too much to drink and fell asleep right in front of us, we laughed at her because she was too much of a lightweight. "So it's just you and I now Julien." Rosalià said starring into my eyes as she sipped on her punch. "I enjoyed the company you two have given me tonight." I replied while downing my punch. Rosalià grabbed my phone and and my finger for my Touch ID, "Hey what are you doing?" I asked trying to reach for my phone. "Here's my number whenever you need someone to talk to okay? Judging by the way you're drinking, it feels like you trying to forget about something tragic." She said as I nodded my head slowly looking back at her. I didn't get it but either way she said her goodbyes and carried Ivy to the exit " Wait! How are y'all getting home? I could take you." I yelled out. "No it's okay our dial a cab is outside and you're in no condition of driving as far as I'm concerned.". I waved at her saying "It was nice meeting you Rosalià." She blew kisses back at me and within a blink of an eye she was gone round the corner. What did she mean? Well I guess I'll find out later on today, "Yeasss, it's my birthday everybody!!! It's gonna be my birthday after birthday after birthday, huh!?" Everybody laughed as I yelled out to them right before I was to dance with my bottle, I bet nobody would beat me at that I swear. The night was young and fun, way much better than my 20th will ever be.