The promise I made to myself didn't last.
I blamed Lakyn James. Not directly. It wasn't like I could walk up to him and say 'hey, I can't get the way you looked while that guy was sucking on your neck out of my head, and it's really causing me some problems.'
He'd probably think I was crazy, for one. And no matter how many times my daydreams ended in him pulling me down so he could whisper in my ear that maybe I should see it from the front row, I highly doubted that was how it would go.
I wasn't sure Lakyn actually talked to people. Once he was on my radar, I saw him around, at different parties. He kept to himself, on the outskirts, different drinks in his hands. He wasn't awkward enough to call attention to himself, I had to actively look for him, but he was there. I'd watch him drink and then inexplicably disappear, following some guy and some signal I didn't know.
He was smoother than me, and I knew a lot of tricks.
I wasn't sure why he was so interesting. I didn't know if it was the dark hair or the apathy that attracted me. Or if it was just the fact that he'd looked fucking hot when he'd glared at me from across that dark room, all disheveled and aroused.
What I did know was that in some room at some party drunk out of my mind with my pants down, I was very aware that when I closed my eyes, it was Lakyn's mouth I was imagining. It was pretty easy to do since I didn't actually know the dude that was going down on me.
Suddenly, the music stopped, and even groggy and out of it, I was aware of the sound of crashing footsteps and doors slamming open.
"What the-"
"COPS!"
"Shit!" I almost kneed the guy in the face when I suddenly sat up, but he was backing away at the same time, rubbing his mouth with the back of his hand. I was too damn drunk to button my jeans so I just pulled them up as high as I could and prayed.
"Do you think that window works?" the dude asked.
"Too risky, just use the door!" I was right on his heels as we barreled out of the room and into the crowded hallway. Everyone was either too sloshed or too panicked to realize who either of us were, or what we could have possibly been doing, and we took off towards the back doors that were already wide open.
People were headed for the fences, throwing themselves over the edges, and I was right behind them when I heard someone scream. My head whipped around and that was when I realized there was a freaking pool. The cover on it was some kind of tarp, and drunk teenager after drunk teenager had tried to run right across it. The tarp had caved under the weight.
They were going to drown.
I had stopped running. I didn't remember stopping, but Matt was standing right across from me, his expression as torn and pained as I felt.
"How drunk are you?" he asked.
"Too drunk to pass a breathalyzer," I replied.
"Did you smoke?"
I shook my head, and so did he.
"We're staying, huh?" he asked.
I whispered 'fuck' and Matt said something in Spanish before we both turned around and ran towards the pool. My hands burned against the ground in a way that I knew would burn later before I shoved my head into the freezing water.
My senses seized up, my brain trying to make sense of the warm alcohol still in my veins and the cold fucking water I was attacking it with. I pulled myself out, took a deep breath, then started reaching for hands.
I was aware that I was drunk, off balance, and slower than normal, but it didn't matter once I zoned in. I grabbed everyone I could and started dragging them out, not paying attention to where they landed but going for the next person instead.
I wasn't sure how long I was there before officers were next to me, helping out much better than I was, but not telling me to move. The next moments passed in a blur, from being on my knees outside, to sitting in the middle of a trashed livingroom with a heavy blanket wrapped around my shoulders and some warm drink between my hands.
I could see red and blue lights from the windows, and kids lined up against the wall being treated by EMT's. Cops were taking statements and handing out slips of paper to anyone they had caught trying to run. Matt was speaking spanish. I wasn't sure if it was because he'd forgotten english, or he was too drunk to realize he'd switched languages.
"Son, whose house is this?"
I blinked and realized there was a cop standing in front of me. I blinked again when I realized I didn't know the answer. "Uh, somebody's."
The man nodded. "Have you had anything to drink tonight?"
"Uh," I said again, nervously. My instinct was to lie, but something told me that was a bad idea. I winced and admitted, "A lot."
The officer nodded again. "Do you have someone you can call to come pick you up? An adult."
I glanced at Matt and nodded. The officer clapped a hand on my shoulder and left me alone then. I waited until Matt was by himself too before I shuffled over to him. "Call your mom."
"Dude," Matt said under his breath. "She's going to murder us."
"My dad is probably drunker than we are," I pointed out. "Call your mom."
Matt's lips thinned but he patted around in his pockets until he found his cellphone. There were a few water droplets on it, but he wiped it clean and it still worked. He crossed himself, then dialed.
I wasn't sure what Matt told her. He spoke in low, soft spanish and I let it fade out around me. I watched as some of the others were escorted out either to parents or cop cars. I didn't know how they chose who got to go home and who had to go to the station. I was just glad I wasn't one of them. Only a few people left in the ambulances but I heard cops telling parents that check ups were probably smart.
I faded in and out for awhile until I felt Matt tense up next to me, and then I saw Ms. Alverez. If the messy bun and track suit were anything to go by, Matt had woken her up. One of the officers was talking to her and I heard him say that he was letting us off without a fine because we'd acted against our own self interests and probably saved some lives, but that he'd like to see us put in a few community service hours.
She nodded along to whatever he told her, shook his hand and thanked him for his time, then looked at both of us and jerked her chin towards the door. Matt got up first and I followed him into the backseat of his mother's car.
I'd never been with either of them in complete silence, but that was how she drove. No radio, no yelling, no muttering the directions under her breath like she always did, even if we were going somewhere we'd been a million times before.
Matt sat low in his seat, with his head resting on the window. His curls had dried into some weird clump and he looked wrecked. Sad, even.
"Mom," he said, but stopped talking when she shook her head.
"I don't want to hear it right now, Matthew. I'm so disappointed in you."
The silence felt heavy all the way to their home, weighing on my shoulders and my consciousness. I was tired, but I couldn't let myself fall asleep.
When we got home, Ms. Alverez killed the engine but didn't move. Matt was reaching for the handle, but he paused, waiting his mother out.
She looked at him through the rearview mirror and said, "You need to do better."
Matt nodded and let himself out of the car. I went to follow him, but Ms. Alverez turned around in her seat so that she could look at me. I froze.
"You know that I love you," she said. "And I know that you are a good kid. But you are making some very dangerous decisions right now, and if you can't think better for yourself, then I need you to think better for Matt. He would follow you through hell, Scott. And I need you to understand that. I'm not ready to lose him. And I don't think you are either."
I felt my heart drop all the way into my stomach, and my mouth was dry as I forced myself to swallow and nod. "Yes ma'am."
Her eyes searched my face for a moment, then she turned back around in her seat and said, "Go to bed."
"Yes ma'am," I said again, and scrambled out of the car. I wasn't sure if she followed me, but I wasn't sure I wanted to know either.
***
Our community service wasn't mandated by law, but it was by Ms. Alverez. She made us promise to put in at least ten hours a week until she decided that she was done punishing us. Neither of us complained.
Matt didn't bother mentioning that he was surprised I was going along with it. We both knew I didn't have to - she wasn't my mother - but we also knew what I would lose if I argued about it.
I told my own parents I was preparing for college. Neither of them asked any questions.
Matt chose the local library but I put my time in at the shelter. Spending my hours taking care of stray dogs who needed a little happiness as badly as I did was pretty good for my health.
I tried to remember my talk with Ms. Alverez, I tried to remember the guilt, the weight it put on me. I tried to keep that feeling close.
But the further away we got from it, the more sober moments covered drunk memories, the less I remembered. And I knew, just like earlier promises to myself, that I was slipping away. That I was going to fall right back into bad habits.
All it took was clocking in for the last time, forgetting what Lakyn James' face looked like, and an invitation to the last party of the school year.
Matt went with me.
Because he always did.