It's been a few months since I lost the baby and a lot has changed since then. For starters Ryder and I haven't spoken since the morning after I stayed at his place when we left the hospital, which I don't think was intentional but we both needed space to grieve. I still get sad about our baby and wish things went differently but my coping mechanism is the gym and unfortunately in every case you have to keep going, even if that's the last thing you want to do. I got the butterfly tattoo I always wanted along with angel wings in memory of the baby.
I switch out of my day dream when someone drops a weight in the gym. I turn up my music along with the speed on my treadmill. Today's my first day back at school since everything and it's the last thing I want to do hence why I came to the gym - I needed an escape. I haven't talked to anyone in so long apart from mom and Emily who forced me out of my room most days and if you haven't already guessed are forcing me to go to school today.
Once I'm finished in the gym I shower and put on some baby blue sports leggings and a black cropped sweater. I decide against wearing make up and let my straight hair cascade down my back
I take a deep breath once I park at school. A knock on my window makes me look over and I see Shay standing there a small smile on her face. I open my door and grab my car before getting out of the car.
"Hey" I say my voice quieter than ever before
"Hey Talia" she says "I'm so sorry about what happened" she gives me a sympathetic smile "I can't imagine what you and Ryder are going through"
I smile and blink back the tears threatening to fall, noticeably still not over it "thank you"
"I'd you want to ditch class, or want to talk about it I'm always here"
The bell signalling the start of classes rings so Shay and I walk into school together. The sympathetic stares I'm receiving from everyone are a lot harder to deal with than I expected. I have English first class with Ms Henry which - because I need to go to my locker - I'm probably going to be a few minutes late for
"I don't know what's going on with anything in your life really, but feel free to join us at lunch" Shay smiles leaning against the locker beside mine
"Be careful, I might actually have to take you up on that offer" I attempt to joke
Shay smiles "well I'd like that" she stands up straight "now I need to get to history so I'll see you then"
"Bye" I say and grab my books
I walk down the corridor toward English. Once I open the door everyone looks towards me most of them seem shocked I'm even here "sorry I'm late" I say my voice low again
Ms Henry nods and I take my seat. I notice Ryders not here and wonder if he has been back to school yet either. Ms Henry gives me a brief summary of everything I missed before class returns as normal.
Ten minutes before the end of class the door opens and Ryder walks in
He doesn't say anything instead give Ms Henry a quick nod before walking towards his seat. We make eye contact but both break it almost straight away before he takes his seat.
The bell signalling the end of class rings after a few minutes later. I grab my stuff but as I'm walking out the door Ms Henry calls me back. Once everyone's gone she shuts the door and walks back to her desk
"I know you're probably sick of hearing this but I'm sorry about what happened" she says
I give her a small smile "thank you"
"If it helps I know what your going through" she tells me her own voice suddenly becoming sad and low "I told you I had one child but I should have more. I was expecting last year but unfortunately I had a miscarriage"
"I'm sorry"
She gives me a sad smile and shifts in her spot "I wasn't as far along as you were but I still miss my baby everyday"
I nod understanding where she's coming from "it's like you know you have to go back to the real world eventually but you feel selfish for doing it" I say "like if I smile or make a joke, I feel like I should be ashamed"
"I totally get where your coming from" Ms Henry agrees "but you have to say to yourself that you deserve happiness like you deserved your baby. Live for your baby, enjoy life. I know it's hard but you need to do it"
"Otherwise you'll fear ever becoming pregnant again or you'll never come out of your dark spell. They're roads you really don't want to go down at your age"
I nod and look up at her. We both seem to have the same watery as each other "thank you"
She shakes her head "It was no problem and anytime you want to talk you know where I am"
_______________
It was lunch before I knew it. Like planned I sat with Shay and the girls who came up to me all them weeks ago. I couldn't help myself from looking over at the table I used to sit at with Ryder. My seats now occupied by Sean who I also haven't talked to in weeks.
"Don't you think it's so weird how you and Ryder came back to school on the same day" one of the girls giggles "it's like you both planned it"
"It's his first day back too?" I ask having assumed he was just late to school today
Shay nods "my dad said he quit his job and he went MIA on everyone"
I look back over to their table and Seans saying something while Ryder stares off into the distance
It's the end of the day when I'm going to my locker before anything wild happens. I hear an awkward cough from beside me and without looking I immediately know who it is
I turn my head to look at Cammy who's giving me a sympathetic smile. I don't say anything so instead she speaks up "Hey Talia, I know we haven't talked in awhile but I'm s-"
I shake my head and interrupt her "if I were you I wouldn't finish that sentence" Cammy looks taken aback for a second before she composes herself "don't think for one second I'm going to even look your way just because I lost my baby" I snap "you were supposed to be my friend but instead you showed your true colours so I mean it when I say never speak to me again"
I look across the corridor to see Ryder standing there a unreadable look on his face. He doesn't say anything instead just turns and walks away. I turn back to my locker noticing Cammys gone
"What a day"