Remus had gotten exactly zero minutes of sleep between going to bed and alarms going off. He pushed the curtains aside, then stopped with his leg halfway out of bed. He had an on-off stabby headache, his stomach still hurt, and despite crying almost nonstop during his waking hours over the past fifteen hours he still felt like he might start crying any second.
He pulled his leg back into bed.
"So, what happened?" Spinnet asked as he got his stuff to get ready for the day. Remus just looked at him. "Why'd you go missing?"
"None of your business," Sirius said as he got out of bed. "Leave him alone."
Spinnet glared. "I was just asking."
"Are you all right?" Struthers asked.
Remus just shrugged. No. He wasn't. He'd never be okay again. His teacher called him a monstrous beast that deserved to be locked away because otherwise he'd maul his three best friends. Which was pretty much the truth.
"Aren't you going to get ready for class?" Peter inquired.
"No," Remus whispered. "I d--don't need to go to class today."
"Of course not," Spinnet snorted, causing Remus to flinch. "Why not? Put everyone in a panic, go missing, then get out of class. Aren't you just special." He saw Sirius going for his wand. "Go ahead and hex me, Black. You and your friends get away with everything, so go for it."
"Sirius, don't," Remus pleaded.
Sirius flickered his gaze to Remus then lowered his wand. "Bugger off, Spinnet. And don't say anything about Remus."
Spinnet stormed out. Struthers paused by Remus's bed. "I'm glad you're all right, and I'm sorry for Andy--"
"It's f-fine," Remus mumbled, shrinking back. "Thank you."
After he left too, Remus realized his friends weren't getting ready. He pointed this out and James shrugged. "If you're not going to class, we aren't either."
He felt so exasperated. He didn't want to deal with this. He wanted to be alone. "You shouldn't skip class," he murmured. "I have permission, You don't."
"So?" Sirius flopped onto his bed, eyes sparkling. "Since when does no permission stop us?"
"Yeah, isn't it better if we're here for you?" Peter asked. "I wanna be here for you."
"Fine, if--if you're going to stay then I'm going to class." Remus got out of bed, rummaging through the wardrobe for a clean uniform. "I'm not going to be party to you three getting into trouble, there's b-been enough of that," he added when they all began complaining. Then he felt relieved when they reluctantly agreed to go to class because he didn't want to go.
Once they left, Remus grabbed his pillow and sat in a window, hugging his pillow, wishing it was Gwyllgi, staring at the sky. It felt like there was a giant gaping hole in his chest, everything inside of him just seeping out. He was so hollow. Sighing, he pressed his face into his pillow. He knew he should try to go to class but he doubted he'd be able to focus, or do anything. Plus they had Defense today. There was no way he could face her right now. He'd have to eventually, but... if he could put it off just a little bit longer...
Twenty minutes later the door opened. Remus glared, expecting to have to lecture one (or more) of the Marauders, but to his shock Lily came flouncing in. Before he could say anything she marched right over and hugged him. Remus felt a little uncomfortable from her touch, as if Dedenne's words were being spoken when her arms went around him; however he didn't pull away.
"Pettigrew told me you're excused from classes today," she said, climbing up onto the window seat next to him.
"You sh--should be going to Charms," he said, glancing at the clock above the door.
"Nope. I'm skipping Charms."
His jaw dropped. "Lily--"
"What?" she demanded, eyes blazing. "I don't know what happened last night but you obviously went through something distressing. I mean, if you want to be alone I'll go."
He thought about it for a few seconds then went back to hugging his pillow. "You can stay. If you want."
They sat in silence for a bit, watching clouds drift by. Lily scooted closer. "Do you want to talk about it?"
He licked his lips nervously then told her the same thing he had told the Marauders last night, then had to also explain to her that Dedenne didn't like his father because she had never been told that lie, and then explained to her that's why she treated him the way she did in class. Then more of the story came out: his poor grades. He wound up showing her some of his homework.
"What?!" Lily shuffled through his essays, a look of horror etched on her face. "Remus, these are amazing! These should be--be Os! Not... A D!? She glared at one of the papers. "How is this a D? I got an O on this essay and it's no where near as good as this. How come you never talked to Professor McGonagall before?"
Because Dedenne's not wrong to hate me because of my curse? "I d--don't know," he muttered, tugging at his sleeves, realizing with a flush of embarrassment that he was still in his pajamas as well as having dried blood on parts of him. "She's... a teacher. I g-guess I never thought to go to anyone about it." Despite all of McGonagall's kindness towards him he supposed deep down he had been afraid she would have dismissed it.
"You don't deserve these grades," she said, still looking through his homework. "Good God."
"I don't know what's g--going to happen in her class now," he said miserably. "I don't want to go at all."
"Maybe you don't need to?" She glanced up, forehead wrinkled with worry. "I'm sure Professor Dumbledore would understand."
"I c-can't avoid a mandatory class for the rest of my time here!"
She slammed the papers down. "Well I'm not going. In protest. We should all protest her. I'm sure the boys will agree with me too. I could get Cassie and Alice to agree too! I bet most of study group would as well, except probably Twycross and Craft but who cares about them."
He managed a smile, the first one since yesterday. "I appreciate that however I'd rather you not."
They both got off the window a moment later then Remus got the snacks Peter had left for him, splitting it with Lily for breakfast. They sat on the floor by his bed while they ate then she looked around the room, crinkling her nose up, commenting about how disgusting boys were.
"Our dorm is messy but at least we don't leave underpants laying about," she said, eyeing a pair of boxers. "Who do those belong to?"
"I don't know."
"I bet they're Potter's. They've got brooms all over them."
Remus ducked his head, smiling again, a little relieved at the distraction from his anguish. "I don't know," he lied since they were indeed James's.
Lily got up, wandering around the room. "Whose are these?" she asked, poking a pair of Y-fronts with her shoe.
"Lily--"
"Are these yours?"
"NO!" He went brilliantly red. "I--I don't leave my personal clothes lying about." Now he went redder, having said personal clothes to a girl.
"I don't either. Why are boys gross?"
He shrugged again, stretching his legs out. "No idea. It is gross though." He hated when they left their socks and underwear everywhere. It all stunk so bad. He couldn't really tell this to them so he just tried his best to ignore the stench, which he suspected would only get worse as they got older. Ugh he couldn't imagine how the dorm would smell when they were all hormonal teenagers.
Lily sat back down next to him, picking up a licorice wand. "I'm glad I only share with Alice and Cassie."
"Oh, right," he said, not really realizing before there were seven Gryffindor girls so their dorm would have been split up. "Sometimes I wish we were split up."
"Oh?"
"Spinnet doesn't like me," he said. "Doesn't like Sirius either. Or James. It's just a little rough having to deal with that." He wondered what it would be like once he cut the Marauders out of his life, sharing a dorm with them still.
"I'm glad I don't have to share with Twycross," Lily giggled. Remus made gagging noises which made her giggle more. "I mean, she's not so bad, she's just so... so..."
"Snobby?"
"Yeah." Lily pointed the licorice wand towards James's bed. "So can Potter."
"James isn't a snob," Remus said protectively. Lily rolled her eyes at him. "O--okay, yeah, he can be."
"That is his underwear, isn't it?" Remus just popped some candy in his mouth, not answering. "Can I ask you something? I don't know if you'll know but..."
"What is it?"
She gave him a wide-eyed look. "How come girls can come up to the boys' side but boys can't go up the girls' side?"
"Because people back in the tenth century were completely sexist and for some reason no headmaster or headmistress has changed that?" He tilted his head. "Or so I'm guessing."
"It's dumb."
"It is," he agreed. "Maybe you could become a headmistress and change it."
She put her head on his shoulder. It was slightly blech to him but not as bad as the hug so he could handle it. "I don't know if teaching is my thing. It's yours though."
"Wha--?? No! I don't--"
"Professor Lupin."
"Sh--shut up!"
"Headmaster."
He gave a loud snort. "Yeah right."
"It could happen," she said, nudging him.
"Mmm." He didn't say anything else, not wanting to argue. Instead he cautiously put his head against hers. No flare up of itchiness or discomfort. Actually, it felt... kinda nice. He closed his eyes and after a moment wound up falling asleep. He stirred a bit when she moved her head, his falling against her shoulder now, going back to sleep. He woke up a bit later when she had to go to Herbology. He apologized for falling asleep against her but she didn't care.
"I spent the time reading," she said, indicating one of his books she had picked up. "You probably needed your sleep."
"Probably," he yawned, rubbing his eyes. "I'll see you later."
After she left he figured he should get a shower, because he hadn't gotten cleaned up at all since the night before. He still could smell dried sweat and blood on himself. So he took a long, hot shower (mostly wallowing in self-pity and misery) until all he could smell was his soap and shampoo. He retreated back to his dorm, changing his sheets, then burrowed under the bed with a blanket.
Just as he was about to fall asleep someone knocked at the door. He ignored it but whoever it was kept knocking then he leapt out of bed when he heard Professor McGonagall's voice. He ran over, opening the door with a little bit of fear. "H--hello Professor," he said, backing away as she came in. "Um..." He nearly asked if his friends did something then kept quiet, since he had the feeling it was to do with him.
Sure enough, as soon as the door shut she asked, "Are you doing all right?"
"Um..." He glanced around then down at the ground. "Yes, ma'am, I--"
"Remus, it is okay if you aren't," she cut him off. "I wouldn't expect anyone to be okay after such a--a horrible thing."
Remus swallowed then slowly shook his head. "N--not really. I--I'm still... it--it hurt... but--but she--she wasn't--lying--"
McGonagall closed the space between them and her arms went around him in a hug. "I refuse you listen to you trying to defend her. What she said was wrong. Do you understand me?" She pulled back, hands on his shoulders as she stared very sternly into his face. "It was completely wrong of her to say those things. She was supposed to be your teacher, regardless of her feelings towards werewolves she was your teacher, and as teachers we are supposed to be taking care of you." Her hand lifted to stroke his hair. "You're not a monster."
Remus had been managing to hold back tears until these words. "I--I--I am--"
"No, you're not," she said firmly. "You're not a monster, you don't deserve to be locked away, and you're not a danger to your friends. All right? You're a boy, a child. You're a kind, intelligent, talented, good young man. Not a monster. You're not wrong for existing, Remus."
He stared up at her for a few seconds then he was in her arms again; she held him as he cried. He couldn't quite believe her words, though out of everyone in the entire school she'd be the one he'd most likely believe. It was like a war in his head. Professor McGonagall--the most incredible witch in the entire universe--said all this? It went against everything he knew. She had come all the way here to make sure he was all right, and to tell him this.
He still felt like a monster, but McGonagall did help dampen down what Dedenne said.
*
After McGonagall left he returned to bed, sleeping on and off, and right when he was getting hungry again the door banged open. He peeped out, surprised to see the Marauders. The clock clearly stated 12:45. "What are you doing?" he asked, climbing out from under the bed, sitting down on the edge of it. "You only have fifteen minutes to get to Defense."
"No we don't," Peter said, plopping down next to Remus and putting a plate of food in his lap.
"Um, yes you do."
"No. We really don't," Sirius said, sitting on the edge of his bed across from Remus. James sat down next to him, grinning. They were both grinning. So was Peter.
"Is something going on?" he asked, narrowing his eyes as he studied his friends.
"Ohhhh something is most definitely going on," snickered James.
Then, silence. Remus sighed. "Are you going to tell me or am I supposed to guess?"
"Announcement at lunch from ol' Dumbles," Sirius said, sticking his finger in the air. "All Defense Against the Dark Arts classes are hereby cancelled."
Remus stared in disbelief. "Wh--what? Wait, what?!"
"There are rumors going around," James said excitedly. "First of all, she wasn't present for classes in the morning. None of the students have seen her, as far as we can tell. Some say she quit, some say she got fired."
"One of the biggest rumors is she hexed a student," Sirius said.
"Well, the biggest rumor is--" Peter began but James threw Sirius's pillow at him. He yelped, getting smacked right in the face.
"What's the biggest rumor?" Remus asked.
"Nothing," James and Sirius both said while Pete looked guilty.
His stomach began churning with fear. "Um. D--does it involve... me?" he asked, voice cracking. Nobody said anything which confirmed it. "Oh. Merlin. Wh--what are th--they saying?!" Did Dedenne... tell the students? Tell someone? Was his secret out?! "T--tell me!" he squeaked when they were still silent.
"Some kids think it has something to do with you," James finally said, fiddling with his glasses, avoiding Remus's frightened gaze. "Since you went missing last night. Right after detention with her."
"What are they saying?" he asked again.
"That's about it," Sirius told him lightly. "Just that you were involved."
"Do you think it is?" Peter asked. "Not--cause of the argument but because she's been so unfair to you?" He looked at Remus curiously. "Maybe Dumbledore fired her for that?"
"As well he should!" James grumbled.
Remus looked down at the plate of food. It looked appetizing but he felt more sick than hungry now. "I don't know. I doubt it. Maybe she had a family emergency." What was going on? She said some awful things, yes, but--but surely that wasn't grounds for being fired, was it? He wasn't a normal student. Dedenne wasn't just saying stuff out of thin air, everything she said had a ring of truth to it; even with Professor McGonagall disagreeing so intensely it seemed strange. So... what was going on?
"Remy..." Sirius slid off his bed, going over to sit next to him, hand gently pressing against his back. "Did she curse you?"
"No... I t--told you..."
"You got a random nosebleed," he said flatly. "Honestly?"
"Y-yes!"
"No curses? She didn't hit you did she?"
Remus was aghast now. "No! She--she never touched me! Or used a spell on me! No. N--nothing like that." He looked wildly around, realizing they didn't quite believe him. "It w-w-was just a nosebleed!" The last thing he needed was everyone to think Dedenne had punched him in the nose. Well. No. The last thing he needed was his secret getting out, but rumors of a teacher punching him was pretty close. "No one's saying that are they?"
Silence.
"Are they?!"
"Um." James began messing with his glasses again. "Well. We weren't the only ones who saw you with blood on your face apparently. You ran by a couple other students. When the rumor got out you were involved cause of going missing, whoever else saw you yesterday began saying that. Um, that you were all bloody. So I think a couple students are. Saying that."
Remus gave a wail, covering his face.
"It'll be all right," Sirius said, hand returning to Remus's back.
"No! It's not! I don't want anyone--anyone t-talking about me! Or involving me! Or--or looking at me!" What if the papers got hold of this? What if they published an article about Dedenne punching a kid named Lupin?! His parents would see and... "Merlin. Merlin. Merlin." He realized after a second he was saying this out loud. He got up (the plate of food crashing to the floor) and began pacing.
"Remus...!"
"I--I didn't have anything t-to do with this!" he moaned into his hands. Except, of course he did. Her disappearing after all of this, it was because of him, it had to be--but why?! Was Dumbledore firing her because of him? "I--I have to go. I have to go see--Dumbledore--and ask--" He started to leave but Peter dashed over, grabbing him. "L--let go, I need to see him!"
"I know but you're still in pajamas," Peter said, tugging him back into the dorm. "And no shoes."
*
Remus got dressed then went to Dumbledore's office. He wasn't sure what the password was this time around so he had to wait, pacing back and forth. Finally one of his ghost friends drifted by and he managed to convince him to go get the Headmaster. Soon the gargoyle moved, and Remus was able to go up to Dumbledore's office. His legs were shaky as he went, scared to do this.
"Come in!" Dumbledore called before he even knocked on the door.
Remus took in a deep breath and went in. The office hadn't changed since he was last there. He crept over to the desk where Dumbledore was sitting, waiting until he was told to sit to actually take a seat. He wasn't sure how to ask about the rumors or why Defense had been canceled so he sat there in silence for an awkward amount of time, staring blankly at Dumbledore--or at least, his beard--too embarrassed to look him properly in the face.
"Have you come to chat or merely admire my beard?" Dumbledore asked.
Remus jumped. "Oh. Er. Yes. I mean. No. I mean. I--I had a--a question. About... w--well... um... the M--I mean, J--James, Sirius, and P-Pete t-told me about the announcement. You made. At lunch, I mean. About... um... D--Defense Against the Dark Arts class."
Dumbledore nodded slowly. "If you've come to confirm it, yes. Defense Against the Dark Arts is cancelled for the remainder of the term."
"Wh--why?" Remus whispered.
"Because we no longer have a teacher for the position," Dumbledore replied calmly.
Remus winced, shrinking back into the seat, wanting to throw up. "Why?" he whispered.
"Why?" Dumbledore gave him a rather quizzical look. "I'd think of all the students here you'd understand why, Mr. Lupin."
He wrapped his arms around his middle, bending forward. "M... me?" he forced out while also trying to keep the bile in.
"I won't lie to you. Yes, it is because of you."
"Oh Merlin." He squeezed his eyes shut. He got a teacher fired. For simply telling the truth. Perhaps--she hadn't been fair but he never intended this to be the result.
"Remus."
He should have just... stood there and taken in the filth she had spewed at him and not let it get to him. If he hadn't run off none of this would have happened. He got a teacher fired. It was all his fault. Because of what he was.
He jerked his chin up. "You--I'm--I'm sorry," he gasped out. "I'm sorry. Please. You--you sh-shouldn't fire her. I--I'm not coming back anyway. I won't. I know I don't belong here."
"Remus--"
"She--she was right. I'm just a danger. It isn't--isn't right for something like me to be--be given precedence over a human. It's--"
"REMUS!" Dumbledore shouted, sending him into terrified silence. "Calm down. You have every right to be here. I told you before, last summer. You should be here at Hogwarts. You do belong here. I won't have any of this rubbish about not belonging. I don't know how you've convinced yourself of that but I never want to hear it again, understand? Furthermore," he went on, not even giving Remus a chance to respond (not that he would ever admit that his mother constantly wrote to him that he didn't belong at Hogwarts), "I have not fired Professor Dedenne. She's chosen to leave of her own volition." Something about the way he spoke made Remus suspect there was more to it than just that. "She feels this is not the career for her. She's already left, as a matter of fact. However there is no need for you to worry as she has no memory of your secret."
Remus blinked, body trembling. "What?"
"The fact you are a werewolf has been erased from her memory," he said, pressing his fingertips together. "She remembers blowing up at a student although isn't sure which one, and knows she left by her own free will due to her--mmm--temper."
No more Dedenne. He--couldn't believe it. Plus she didn't know he was a werewolf anymore. No risk of her telling anyone. Everything had just been... wiped clean... He was absolutely stunned.
"Now. What's this about you not returning next term?"
Remus swallowed heavily, eyes going back to his lap as he began plucking at the hem of his shirt. "I--I was just... No. I mean, yes. Er. I'll be returning. I just thought... perhaps... I shouldn't... but I will..."
"Good. Actually, now that I have you here, there is another matter I wished to speak to you about." Suddenly his face got very grim, and Remus felt afraid again. "I just want to implore you to be careful. With your... friends. Misters Black, Pettigrew, and Potter. I've noticed you've become rather close with them and while I am very happy to see that you have such good--albeit very mischievous--companions, I wish to impress upon you the need to keep some distance."
"I understand," Remus said, relieved that's all it was about. "I am very careful."
"I'm glad to hear that." Dumbledore stood up, motioning for Remus to follow him to the door which he did. "Have a good day, Mr. Lupin, and enjoy the rest of the term."
Remus left his office, went down a few corridors, then slumped down in a window, completely shocked by all of this.
No more Dedenne.
Then suddenly he began laughing rather crazily, remembering the bet he had made with James. Looks like I'm doing some of his summer homework, he thought then got up, walking back to the common room as if in a fog. Not the numb, blackened, horrible fog like the night before, but a confused, dazed sort of fog. It just all felt so utterly unreal.