"I know this is hard. You are strong enough to get through it."
She told me this when I was in the hospital bed, wires draped over me like a veil, and the beeping sounds of the machines echoing through the sterile room. I took as deep of a breath that I could, filling my lungs with the sanitized air that surrounded me in my hospital bed. I was tired. I was tired of fighting. It was like my own body wasn't even mine anymore. I was a puppet on a string, pulled by whatever force that wanted my end to come. Flatline. My last breath had come, and now it was time for me to go.
"Don't leave me, Nick! You are stronger than this," she yelled as my eyes were squeezed shut and sweat dripped down my forehead and I no longer had control over the shaking of my body in this hospital bed.
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Another Monday had come with another week. Over and over again comes the routine, no life worth living. The sun comes up with the day and goes down at night. I am tired of the routine. It never ends. It's a broken record that replays and replays until the listener goes insane. I am the listener and I am not quite sure when I will lose my mind. Would it be better if I did? Do insane people know that they are insane? I am always tired. Even when I wake up in the morning. I open my eyes and I am groggy, the sleep in my eye sockets is blinding. Tired from sleeping, tired from living this same old, same old life every day. Wake up, drag your body to school, try not to go to sleep in your desk, people stare and think that you aren't okay. I am okay. I convince myself every day. Surely, I wouldn't be here if I weren't okay, right?
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I no longer trust anyone. I only trust the people that give me what I want and what I need. Deep down I know that they aren't the people that I should trust. They are the people that I need to run far away from. I know this isn't the direction my life should go. I never thought that this would happen to me. But with bad feelings comes bad things, just as this. I secure my arm with an elastic band above my elbow, and I press the cold needle to my skin just under my elbow, and inject what I know is poison but I know it feels more like pleasure. My world fades away, and I slip into euphoria. I can feel it in my veins, coursing through my body with each heart beat. Nothing can stop me now. I am unbreakable, nothing in this god awful world can hurt me anymore. I slip in and out of consciousness and finally I am completely gone. I have been pulled under by the demons that want to destroy me and everything that I have left.
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Song: Kettering by the antlers